Self Worth

Why is it so hard for us to see greatness in ourselves?  Why can’t we believe we are good enough? Why is it hard to believe when others say they love us?  Why are we so broken? Has society beaten us down to have no self worth?  When my friends put themselves down, it hurts because I know how amazing they are. But when they try to tell me how good I am, I can never see it.  I can’t see why they love me.  I can’t see that I’m worth it.  But they can’t see it in themselves either.  We tell each other how great the other is, in hopes of them believing even when we don’t.  I want to believe.  I want to feel the love.  I want to see greatness within.  And I want others to see the greatness in themselves.  Everyone I’ve met has greatness in them.  They are amazing parents, the bestest of friends, great singers, great dancers, amazing artists, just down right amazing people.  I try to praise my friends as much as I can because I do see greatness in them even if they can’t.  I hope some day it will finally sink in.  

To steal and modify a quote from Doctor Who: In my 35 years of life, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.

A Dream of the Heart

Ever sit and wonder what your purpose in life is.  Like what path to take.  What are you passionate about?  Are you passionate about anything?  Off and on I ask myself that.  Then not too long ago it hit me.  I felt a huge wave go over me.  I think I have finally discovered my path in life, my passion. Something my heart is telling me I need to do. It may sound crazy or impossible, but I think with a little support and a lot of heart, anything can be possible.  

I want to start a foundation and a private boarding school for LGBT youth.  A place where those who were kicked out of their homes for being themselves can go. Anyone who reaches out in need, no matter where they live, the foundation will pay for them to get to the school.  It would be a place to live and go to school.  A safe place where kids would have a warm bed, food, clothes, and get an education. They would have access to therapy and medical care, if needed. They will have a place to be themselves with no fear.  They would have a supportive environment.  

I would really like this idea to become a reality.  I read of so many stories where parents kick their kids out for being LGBT.  And they don’t have anywhere to go. They end up dropping out of school and living on the streets.  This saddens me so much.  I need to help.  This is where my heart is drawing me.

There are still a lot of details to work out and this is just beginning.  It will take a lot of time, but I really feel I need to do this... one way or another.

Becoming Bibi

After 21 months of blogging, today I decided to change the name of my blog.    ”Who Am I” no longer seems to fit.  I know who I am.  I know who I have always been.  It may have taken me a bit to realize it, but I know now.  

My name is Bibi and I’m a transgender woman.

The 12th Month

Today marks my 12th month on hormones.  I still can't believe how fast the time went by.  Tomorrow I have my quarterly Endo appointment.  I also had to get blood drawn to check levels.  Hoping everything looks ok.  Even with how fast time has been flying the changes have been slow.  I wish I was read as more female than male.  I may ask my Endo about progesterone.  I have had considerable breast growth.  I'm up to a B cup now.  And my butt is a bit rounder and plumper.  I have also become a bit more comfortable in my skin.  I've pretty much stopped hiding who I am except at work.  Even though I'm not out to my whole family, I started wearing nail polish on weekends and they haven't said anything if I see them.  I am so much happier now.  And I've become more out going.  I guess not hiding anymore is a big help.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for me.  Hopefully I get lose the weight I've gained from being on hormones.  I want to see curves.  I will post tomorrow on what happens at my Endo appointment.

Family

I have seen so many posts from people that have lost their family or risk losing their family for transitioning.  It makes me so sad and angry.  Family is supposed to be there for you.  No matter what. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally.  Families should care more about the members of their family that what other people will think.  They shouldn't let their fear of the unknown turn to hate.  No one should be kicked out of their homes, lose their parents, or lose their children.  No one should lose their jobs or their house for wanting to be themselves.  I wish I could take everyone in and show them what love truly is and what family is supposed to be like.  No one should be hurt for wanting to be themselves.  Embrace us, don't push us away.   Families think they failed us for us being who we are. But families are failing us by pushing us away and hating us.  I have been lucky to have a mostly accepting family.  Why can't other families be accepting?  The world needs to change.  It needs to stop living in fear and start living in love.

Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I write.  I know that one of my best friends convinced me to start.  And I began writing on Live Journal.  Just for me to see.  I needed to get my emotions out.  And as I wrote, I felt better.  But something was missing. What is a story without an audience.  What if there were people out there who felt the same way and needed to know that they weren't alone.  So I moved my writing to Blogger.  As my audience grew, I felt the need to touch other people.  I needed to share my story, my life.  I needed a community where I could open my heart.  Where I could share the best of times and the worst of times.  A place where I felt a sense of belonging.  And I found tumblr.  At first I was scared of it. Over time, with the people I touched and those that touched me, I found it to be one of my safe places to be myself and share my story.  Now I am planning on putting my story down into pages of a book. The next chapter of my writing life. Again I feel scared, but to have someone read my story, to feel moved by my words, to feel like they are not alone gives me the strength.

Writing has saved my life.  Getting my emotions out and acknowledging my demons, kept me from bottling up and ending my story, my life.  I have discovered how amazing life can be if you set your words free.  There will always be pain and struggle, but just knowing that you are not alone, gives hope that you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Loss of a Friend

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night.  It’s so hard losing a friend so young. Even though we only worked together for three summers and then became FB friends, he made such a huge impact on my life.  If it wasn’t for him, I would have never discovered my passion for Lighting and Light Design in theater.  Back in 1999 we both applied to work for an outdoor theater in NC (The Lost Colony).  He applied for lighting and I applied for sound.  Somehow they mixed up our resumes and I got put in lighting and he got put in sound.  We didn’t discover the mix up until a couple weeks into the rehearsal of the show.  But I discovered my love for lights and he discovered his love for sound.  

He was also the first guy I ever kissed.  We were at a party, everyone doing “e” and he kissed me.  I had always been attracted to guys, but had never done anything.  So he gave me that first experience. 

After I had moved back to CT, we lost touch for a while until finding each other on Facebook.    That was about 2 years ago.  Unfortunately he was already diagnosed with brain cancer and had tumors growing.  It was so tough watching him deteriorate these past 2 years.  He had such a beautiful soul.  He always had a positive outlook.  Even to the end.

Now he has taken his final march to a better place.  No more pain.  No more suffering.  He will be remembered.

11 Months

Time seems to be flying.  I can not believe I have been on hormones for 11 months.  Not much has changed physically recently.  I did discover that moving my estrogen patch to a new location, may have not been an all to great idea.  It had it's pluses, certain body parts started working more efficiently again.  Unfortunately I think that was due to not getting as much estrogen in my system.  I think the less estrogen caused my increased facial hair growth and mood swings.  This morning I moved the patch back to the old position.  I'm going to try to keep putting it in the old position for a while.  Hopefully I can get back on track.  I've already noticed that I'm leveling back out, for the most part.  A little more emotional.

As for other happenings, most of my friends are using female pronouns more often.  Occasionally they slip, but it's at least they are trying.  Also they are calling me Bibi, more than my birth name.  Even though I'm not changing my birth name, as it can be used for both genders, I like being called Bibi more.

Not much else has been going on.

Dear Parents and Sister,

I know you said you love, support, and accept me when I came out to you.  But saying and doing are two completely different things.  Don’t act like I’m doing this to hurt you.  This was not a choice.  It’s either have me as a daughter or have a dead son.  Don’t tell me how difficult it will be for you when others know about me.  And don’t tell me how hard it will be for you when I come out to the rest of the family.  Do you not realize how hard this is for me?  Don’t add by reaffirming my maleness.  Please stop saying “You will always be my son.”  Please stop saying every chance you get, “son”, “brother”, “young man”.  Do you realize that is like stabbing me in the heart?  I am now your daughter.  I am alive, I am happy, I am who I was supposed to be.  Can’t you be happy for me?  Can’t you accept that?  I should not have to hide who I am around you and the rest of the family.  If they can’t accept me, then what kind of family are we?  I have another family that has accepted me with open arms.  If you are not careful, you will not only have lost a “son”, but a daughter.  I don’t need that toxic environment in my life.  For one of the first times in my life, I am truly happy.  I am no longer in pain.  I no longer sit awake at night thinking of ways to kill myself.  I love who I am.  I love the woman I’m becoming.  I wish you could love me as your daughter.

Halloween 2013

Amazing what a difference a year makes. Last night was one of my best friend’s Halloween / birthday party. Last year I dressed as the Queen of Hearts. I was so nervous and needed help with my hair and makeup. I was scared of what people would think.  I remember bringing my costume to the party to change into.  I got ready in the 2nd bathroom.  Anxiously waiting for the friend to show up to do my hair and then waiting to have another friend do my makeup.  I was shaking most of the time.  Once I was dressed and done up, it took another 15 minutes for me to get my nerve up to walk out for other people to see me.

This year I went as Vanellope from Wreck it Ralph. I did my own makeup and hair. I was able to put my makeup on in one shot.  No washing off and starting again.  I knew what I wanted to do with my hair and got it to look the way I wanted first try.  I was so proud of myself.  As we were getting ready to head out the door, I had no nerves.  I was comfortable being me and I had no fear in letting people see that.  I didn't think twice of walking in, all dressed up.   I was so so comfortable.  The night was amazing.  I got many compliments on my costume.  No negativity.  It was great.  And more feminine pronouns being used.  My friends have been great adapting to the new me.  I'm just one of the girls now.

I love the changes I have gone through this past year. I love finally being able to be myself.

Here is a picture of me... 

National Coming Out Day

October 11th, 2013 was national coming out day.  After a long internal debate, I decided to expand the circle of people I'm out to.  It took me about 3 weeks to think of what to write, and then 4 rewrites on the day to create the Facebook post that I made to out myself.  I am now out to 95% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook.  The only people left are some family that I'm going to tell in person after the holidays.  I was so scared writing the post.  Even though I've had nothing but positive comments and support from everyone else I have come out to, this time could have been different.  But I was in awe at the responses. It was all positive.  Everyone was so supportive.  I was taken back by all the love and support.  It felt so good. I still partially on cloud 9 and it's been over a week.  With that hurdle, I decided to also come out to a couple family members on FB messenger and also email one of my aunts.  Again, nothing but love and support.  I can't get over it.  Such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  People love and accept me for who I am. It still brings me to tears thinking about it.

10 Months

Today marks 10 months on hormones.  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by.  I am happy with the progress I'm making.  I do get a bit discouraged sometimes though.  I see so many woman post before and after pictures at less time than I've been on hormones and they have progressed so much further.  But even with being a bit discouraged, I'm happy with how slow it's going.  It definitely makes it easy at work.  Still haven't had to worry about coming out yet.  I know I have changed a lot in the past 10 months.  I am getting read more as female.  I would say I get read female 30% of the time.  That's better than nothing.  I have such a hard time seeing the results though.  And I hate hate hate how I look when my picture is taken so I still haven't taken any pictures of my progress.  As for other physical changes, my boobs are sitting at just about a "B" cup.  Getting harder to hide them.  Hair growth is still sporadic.  Sometimes I feel like I can go a day without shaving and others I feel like I need to shave twice a day.  Weird.  Other body hair has slowed in growing.  I don't have to shave my chest as much or my arms.  

The biggest change in my has been psychological.  I am more comfortable being my "authentic self" (as my therapist puts it).  I'm more talkative, outgoing, and happy.  I have really broken out of my shell.  It's scary but I like it.  

I'm so glad I finally gathered the courage to transition.  Can't wait to see what happens next month. 

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 30

30) Write a haiku about being trans:

I was scared of this one.  Not sure if I got it right or not but here goes:

The testosterone leaves the body
Estrogen swirls about
I am woman

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 27, 28, 29

27) What goals do you have?

My goals are to be comfortable in my body and be accepted for who I am.  I am starting to get closer to both goals.

28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it?

Hmmm.... I guess I would have to say right now it's wearing a bra everyday.  If I don't wear one, I feel off and uncomfortable.  Even in boy mode I still wear a bra.  Not one that accents my breasts, but just supports them.

29) Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy.

I'm going to use my nickname as I am slowly getting people to use that instead of my given name.

Beautiful
Inteligent
Bohemian
Interesting

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 26

26) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you?

I do feel comfortable answering questions about being trans from anyone.  Especially from people I know.  I feel that the more open and honest we are, the more informed they will become.  I don't get offended with the questions.  Many do not understand what we go through or what it truly means to be trans.  I have an open invitation to a group of friends on Google+ to ask any question they want, no matter how personal.  It has brought a lot of us closer.  I even share with them progress updates, like breasts aching, mood swings, any body changes, etc.  It's funny with the women, they sort of chuckle and say "Welcome to being a Woman."  They have all been uber supportive.  They offer advice from a woman's point of view.  All have offered to go shopping with me whenever I'm ready.  The more open I am and eager to answer questions, the more educated they are in what's going on.  And if this understanding can spread, there will be less ignorance and their shared knowledge could lead to less discrimination in the world.  People fear the unknown.  That ignorance fuels their fear and they let that fear turn to hate.  If we can remove that ignorance, that fuel, we can remove their fear, thus remove their hate.  At least in a perfect world.  But as we gain public understanding and support, I really think that we will be more accepted.  Will there always be hate, unfortunately yes.  But we can lessen those voices. Look how far we have come with marriage equality.  More people support it than those that oppose it.  Many have learned it is not a choice, but who they were from birth.  And I hope the world will realize that transgender people did not chose to be transgender.  Who would chose to go through what we all endure?  Through knowledge and answering questions, they will learn this was not a choice, and maybe just maybe be treated as equals and not a lessor class.  Now I'm not saying it is ok for a person to directly ask about genitals or other personal info without first asking permission.  The people wanting to know, need to have manners and ask permission to ask a personal question and need to do so privately.  But they need to be informed on the correct way to ask questions.  So if they go direct without permission, just tell them how they asked was inappropriate.  Tell them that they must ask permission to ask such questions.  Just like anyone asks another person.  Remind them that they don't randomly go up to woman and ask to see her genitals.  With knowledge comes understanding and with understanding comes support.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 25

25) Doctor visits?

Doctor visits started off scary.  Especially when I started hormones.  I was so afraid when they asked what meds I was on to mention estrogen and spiro.  But I am becoming more comfortable telling doctors that I'm transgender and currently on hormones.  The only doctor I haven't told and haven't visited since starting hormones is my cardiologist.  I'm not sure how to tell her since she has treated me since the day I was born.  And her echo technician is fairly discriminatory (which I have complained about).  But I do need to see a cardiologist regularly so I guess I need to come out to her soon.  Other than that I'm becoming a bit more confident coming out and being upfront.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 24

24) Who is your favorite LGBT actor/musician/director/artist etc and why?

I don't have just one favorite and for the why they are my favorite.... I just like everything about them.  They are great in their craft and I enjoy watching / listening to them.  In no particular order:

• Ian McKellen
• Neil Patrick Harris
• Jim Parsons
• Freddie Mercury
• Nathan Lane
• George Takei
• John Barrowman
• Zachary Quinto
• Ellen DeGeneres
• Anne Heche
• Lana Wachowski
• Laverne Cox
• And many more.  Just too many great LGBT actors/actresses/musicians/directors/artists etc.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 23

23) What stereotypes are put on trans people?

I've been thinking about this one and have been having a hard time getting my thoughts out correctly on this.  So I found this on Yahoo answers that seems to get some of the stereotypes:

1) Almost everyone seems to believe that transsexuals are gay pre-transition. That is, if a man announces that he wants to become a woman and will be transitioning, everyone assumes that he is attracted to men (and same for women who do so). It used to be impossible for straight (pre-transition) people to get sex changes; Lou Sullivan (a gay transman) fought very hard to change that, and won. In reality, there are roughly equal numbers of gay transsexuals (those who are gay post-transition) and those who were gay but, after transitioning, lead heterosexual lives. 

2) Nearly everyone, including some transsexuals, believe that you must adhere completely to gender binary stereotypes if you have a sex change. That is, if a man transitions to a woman, the new she is expected to be feminine to the nines; after all, what's the point of spending all that money unless you're going to really "be" a woman (or vice-versa, a man)? But the fact of the matter is that there are trans individuals who encompass a wide gender range; not too long ago, I remember reading a blog or some-other by a transsexual woman who was agonizing over the flak she got for being a butch woman, since everyone assumes if you're chopping off your penis, you should "look like a woman, too" (whatever that means; women come in all shapes and sizes). 

3) A lot of people seem to think that female-to-male transsexuals are "trying to get 'male privilege'" by transitioning. They are accused of 'taking the easy way out' and becoming men rather than challenging our gendered world and making it possible for women to have more power. I've heard people say that they are anti-feminist for this, and a lot of them get generally spat upon by people who see them as betraying their sex. In reality, of course, nobody is doing that at all; the brand of being a transsexual (not to mention the massive cost, both monetarily and physically, pyschologically, and emotionally) is far worse than being a woman in today's society. 

4) Similarly to #3, people seem to think that transsexuals aren't allowing themselves to be who they are. They seem to think that they are perpetuating the gender binary by wanting to transition their sex. For example, someone might think that a transwoman is a disgrace to the genderqueer cause, because rather than stay in a male body and help people understand that feminine males are possible, she cowardly switched over to look like a 'natural woman' so that she wouldn't get any flak for being different. This is, of course, completely untrue- there is lots of research out there showing that there are possible brain differences in transsexuals, and moreover, your sex/gender has more to do than with just how others treat you; it's also about how you feel in your body (and you'd be surprised at how much a difference male and female hormones can make someone feel; read a transsexual memoir and you'll understand). 

5) People assume that it's a choice, and not an actual disease (gender dysphoria), or if they think it's a disease, it's in a "they're sick" way, versus having an actual clinical, perfectly normal condition. Moreover, lots of lay people seem to think that the way to deal with this is not to change the body, but, since there is a mind-body discord, to change the mind instead. Of course, in reality, there is no (proven) way to change the sex of someone's mind; our brains are immensely complex, full of interactions between genetics, biology, personality, past experiences, formative childhoods, our feelings, our fears . . . the list goes on. You can't just go in there and say "Here, you're a man."; therapy is not going to work like that. 

6) People seem to think that transsexuals just decide on a whim to do what they want; few know that they have to go through tons of gender therapy to get permission to get hormones and to have surgery OK'd, and have to live as that gender for a year or longer. It's rigorous, and the people who transition are dedicated. 

7) That their bodies don't function correctly. I don't know how many questions I've answered on here from people wanting to know if transsexuals can orgasm. If surgery is done right, with a skilled professional, then transsexuals of both sexes can have ultimately wonderful, fulfilling sex lives and do so. 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070212220254AAAidK9

30 Day Trans Challenge - Days 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

17) What's your binding choice and why?

I don't bind.  I do plan on possibly binding my breasts as they grow bigger to hide from work until I'm out.  As for tucking, I rarely do that as I tend to be small at rest.  And with the hormones shrinking the testies, I don't tend to show a bulge.  However on rare occasions I do tape, just to get the feeling of nothing hanging between my legs.

18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live?

The trans laws are great where I live.  I live in Connecticut and we have some of the best trans laws.  Gender Identity was added to the Anti-Discrimination laws a couple of years ago.  I still fear losing my job though if I come out as transgender.  Even though they can't fire me for being transgender, they could always find other ways to fire me and I couldn't really afford to fight it.  I hope to someday get a job at my wife's company where they are very trans friendly.

19) If your religious how do your views effect being trans if your not religious what about your family religions?

Religion doesn't really effect my views of being trans.  I tend to believe that no one should judge and love thy neighbor.  However, my grandmother and great aunt are very religious and old school.  I am not out to them as I don't think they would be very accepting.  They are also ultra conservative and believe everything they hear on Fox News (whom isn't very trans friendly in reporting).  

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

Right now I'm a proud parent of three wonderful cats.  My wife and I are happy with that at the moment. We briefly thought about having a baby, but then we discovered that she couldn't have kids.  We may adopt at some point, but it's not definite.

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community?

My view on the cis-gendered community is it is very uninformed / uneducated on the trans community. There is so much miss information out there.  This tends to lead to confusion and the unknown.  And people fear the unknown.  I think as time progresses and there is more information out there, the cis-gendered community will be less transphobic.  But it's going to take time.  

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?

At the moment no, but I'm not out full time.  Like I previously put in an answer, I do fear losing my job if I come out.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 13, 14, 15, 16

Sorry these are a bit.  With everything going on with my wife, I just haven't had the chance to write.  

13) Bathrooms:

Bathrooms haven't been an issue yet as I am not out full time. 

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

The biggest tip is be confident.  If you show fear, you are more open to questioning.  Also take the time to develop a style, practice putting on make-up, and observe other women.  Learn the mannerisms and how other women carry themselves.  I don't pass at the moment, but these are what I will be doing.  I have had a few moments of passing without trying.  I think that's thanks to the hormones making my body more feminine and also I am becoming more confident in who I am.

15) How have you embraced your trans identity?

I started out struggling with embracing being trans, but I have slowly embraced it.  I realized that this is who I am.  I was destined to be the woman I knew I was.  Having the people around me who support and love me, has definitely made it easier to embrace.  And seeing the changes in me has helped too.  Feeling more confident, being more out going, if I hadn't come out, I would still be in my shell.

16) What's your rock anthem and why?

This is a tough one.  My wife and I were discussing this one.  After much thought, I think I'm going to stick with my favorite song: Dream on by Aerosmith.  It just reminds me that everyone struggles, but to live and learn, to grow and to sing, and to alway dream on.  Singing always cheers me up.  

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 10, 11 & 12

So the last three days have been occupied with ER trips with my wife and her having her gallbladder out. Now that she is resting in her hospital bed and doing well, I figured I would take the opportunity to catch up on the 30 Day Trans Challenge.

10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

My fears in regards to being trans are average.  I do fear that I won't ever fully look female.  But I am happy that I am feeling very feminine.  That is huge.  I also fear discrimination and hate, but haven't experienced much yet.  

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Mainly by crying or having mini panic attacks.  Since being on hormones the dysphoria has not been bad.  If I feel it coming on, I just try to breath and remind myself that I am taking the steps I need to and that I already feel very feminine.  Plus the support that is around me helps a lot.

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

For mental health I see my therapist every week.  She has been helping so much.  I look forward to talking with her every week.  To the point I count down the hours.  And I'm a bit sad after the sessions when I know I have a week until I come back in.  It also helps with writing on blogger and tumblr.  I wouldn't have made it this far with those who read and follow them.

As for my physical health that's a toughy.  For monitoring my hormone progress I see my Endocrinologist every 3-4 months.  However my diet pre hormones has caused weight gain after hormones.  I am trying to cut my portion sizes and watch what I eat.  I am also trying to get in the routine of exercising.  We have a rowing machine, treadmill, and exercise bike.  Just got to get motivated to use them more.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 9

9) What is something positive about being trans?

There is a lot of negative things that happen with being trans.  However, there are some positive things.  I discovered how many true friends I have that have stuck by me when I came out and even rekindled some that I thought were lost.  I am happier knowing who I am and accepting it. I have met so many amazing people through this blog and my tumblr blog.  People that have inspired me and in turn I have inspired them (hopefully).  I feel a part of something bigger.  I feel a sense of belong. I have strengthened my relationships with my bestfriends to being sisters.  I have tested my marriage and even though it has it's rocky moments it is becoming stronger.  I have broken out of my shell.  I enjoy sharing about myself.  I am finally learning to love myself.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship.  Some may say that being trans is a curse with all the negative things that can happen.  But I also find it a blessing, as I am discovering who I am and get to see the world in a new light and it isn't as dark as it appears.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 8

8) How do you deal with being read mis-genderd in the beginning of transitioning by people?

As I am not full time at the moment and spend more time in boy mode, I don't really experience being read mis-genderd.  However with being in boy mode and called ma'am and miss really lift my spirits.  The only issue I sort of have is with my parents.  Since coming out to them, they seem to constantly re-affirm that I am their son.  I don't know if they are doing it more often than what they used to or if I'm just more sensitive to it.  Just seems a lot of "...my son"  "...that's my boy" stuff.  I know it is hard for them to get used to now having another daughter after having a son for 34 years.  I just hope when I'm out full time, whenever that will be, that they will be more sensitive.  And I know slips happen.  I was referred to as uncle by one of my friends and I know it was an honest slip.  That really doesn't bother me.  Maybe I'm weird that it doesn't get to me as much.  Do I hate being called sir at a store or restaurant?  Yes, but I can't blame them if I'm out in boy mode.  Maybe I will feel differently when I'm out full time.  Only time will tell.  

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 7

7) Who do you look up to?

This is a tough one.  I have thought about this since last night.  I can not pin point just one person who inspires me.  As I reflect and think on this question, I think I may have the answer. I look up to everyone.  I look up to those who have transitioned before me, those who are transitioning with me and those who are just beginning.  I look up to anyone who knows who they are.  I look up to anyone who questions who they are.  I look up to those who are here. I look up the person who didn't cut last night. I look up to the person who tried not to cut but couldn't resist the temptation.  I look up to the person who didn't cry themselves to sleep.  I look up to the person who is strong enough to cry.  I look up to those who have taken the step to talk with a therapist.  I look up to my wife for standing by my side even though it is very hard for her.  I look up to my best friends as they support me no matter what.    I look up to my friends for accepting me for who I am with no question.  I look up to everyone.  Everyone inspires me. Everyone gives me hope and faith.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 6

6) Who was the first person you told about being trans?

This is a tough question.  I believe my wife (when we were dating) was the first person I actually soberly told straight about wanting to be a woman and feeling that I should have been born a woman.  But I didn't use the term transgender.  I know there are friends who I had hinted to before and maybe under the influence told bits of my need and feeling to be a woman.  Again not using the term transgender.   I'm honestly not sure who the first person was that I told about being transgender.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 5

5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community?

Yes and no.  I feel I should do more in the communities.  I post a lot to share my story of transition.  All the good and bad so others will know they are not alone.  I also help manage a facebook page, twitter account, and google+ page for Genderfest.com.  Here is a description of Genderfest from the homepage:

GenderFest: Transgender Social Network

Being transgender doesn't mean you have to be alone.  Actually, I prefer "gender variant", "gender free", or "gender positive" - but the point here is that together, acting as a community, we can and are changing the world.

We strive to serve a diverse audience: Some people identify as transgender, trans, transsexual, cross-dressers – or know someone who does – and some reject labels all together.  That’s great -- because the important word was people.  Let's not forget, wherever our conversations go, that we are all people, people who deserve the same respect, safety, and human rights as everyone else.  I certainly can’t speak for everyone, nor do I try – all I can do is speak for myself.  Let me say this, then: I reject the notion that there are two boxes, “Male” and “Female”, and that an individual most fit into one of these two boxes their entire life. 

Instead, I think of gender as a spectrum, that spectrum existing as one property of many characteristics: gender expression and gender identity are two examples.  In fact, I’m not sure that “Male” and “Female” are necessarily the two dichotomous ends of the spectrum.

I invite you to journey with me, to look at these issues and so many more.  As a community we can build a more accepting and safer environment.

With the social media pages, I share information, news, and resources regarding the trans community and the LGBT community.  It helps give me a sense of purpose getting the word out and maybe helping others.

If interested here are the links:

http://www.genderfest.com/

https://www.facebook.com/GenderFest

https://twitter.com/GenderFest1

https://plus.google.com/111413905744527905523/posts

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 4

4) How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you?

The family that I have come out took it better than I expected.  They seemed to have the same response of everyone else I've come out to.... "Oh yeah, we knew that."  I'm out to my parents, my sister, her husband, and 2 cousins.  All have been supportive and fine about it.  My parents tend to be a little less supportive or they are just clueless.  I'm hoping clueless.  They just still reaffirm me being their son.  Like they say it more than they did before I came out.  Maybe they are still getting used to it.  Maybe it's hard for them to see me as a daughter as I still present mostly male for now.  But in time I think they will come around.  Baby steps.  It only bothers me when I'm on the downward swing of my emotions.  And I know slip ups happen.  Everyone has known me as male for 34+ years.  It's an adjustment.  I get that.  Like last night I was called uncle.  I know it was a slip.  It didn't bother me.  

As for why I'm not out to the rest of my family.... they are super religious and conservative.  I think some of my aunts and uncles would be fine if I came out to them, but my grandmother and great aunt would not be.  They both live for fox news and they are the type that pick and choose from the bible to what suits them.  Both are up there in age, so I don't have to hide forever.  Interesting though is that even with how religious and conservative my grandmother is... she didn't care when I was six and my sister and aunt dressed me up as a girl.  She at times encouraged it.  I know she isn't like that now.  Three husbands later and now alone made her bitter and all about church and believing every word of Fox News.  Oh well.


I need to amend my answer to Day 2 regarding my name.  I may be keeping my birth name, but I did pick a nickname for myself.  It's many for the kids in my life that I call nieces and nephews.  I picked the nickname Bibi.  It means aunt in Indonesia.  And another variation has developed... Beebs.  I like both and wish I was called them more often.  They're cute nicknames.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 3

3) Have you ever been outed?

Sorry this is a short one.  The answer is no.  I have not.

9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months on hormones.  I came very close to throwing it all away.  I've come so far, but have so much farther to go.  And with being so depressed lately, I have no energy or will to celebrate 9 months.  So to all my followers for being such a downer lately.  I promise to try to sum up some strength to make it through this and be back to posting happier things.  Just bear with me.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 2

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why?

This one is easy.  I'm not changing my name.  My name can be used by males and females.  It was a predominately male name, but that is changing and more females have my name.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 1

With today being 9 months on hormones, I thought it might be good to do the 30 Day Trans Challenge.

1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?

From a young age (5 or 6), I never really felt comfortable being a boy. At 13 I had started a nightly ritual of wishing I was a girl.  I didn't realize the term transgender referred to me until around January 2012.  My life seemed to be spiraling out of control... at least internally.  I had for the longest time, worn certain feminine clothing, like girls jeans, girls underwear, and occasionally a bra.  I had always rationalized them as just being more comfortable to wear than men's clothes.  But it got to the point where I knew I was lying to myself and others.  Every night I turned the wish into begging and pleading with the gods or whomever might be listening to be a woman.  I was losing it.  I disliked seeing my male self in the mirror.  As I was trying to find myself and stop the spiral, I discovered Gender Dysphoria.  After reading the description, I knew that is what I had, but I had not yet accepted that I was transgender.  Then as I began writing my emotions down and doing major soul searching I realized then that I was transgender.  I am a transgender woman.  But realizing and accepting don't always go hand in hand.  I knew who I was, but it wasn't until May 2012 that I began to accept that I am a transgender woman.  By the end of 2012 I fully accepted who I was.  It still is hard.  Even after 9 months into my transition.  9 months on hormones, it's still a battle.  Internally and externally.  I know this is the right path, no matter how hard it is and will always be.  I will have my doubts when I am weak and beaten down.  I will threaten to stop the transition when I fear my world collapsing around me.  But each time, I scrape up the strength to stay the course.  It is a tough balancing act, to stay happy and keep those in my life happy.  But we will make it through.  Just got to remind myself that.  We will only be stronger from this journey.

Darkness

Last night I had another great therapy session.  Near the end of the session we discussed a part of my past that I have very rarely shared.  The result of the, what seemed endless, bullying in school.  Something I was able to hide from almost everyone.  Along with hiding the constant bullying from family and friends, I hid my nightly ritual.  This is not easy to write about.  When my world seemed to be collapsing around me starting in 6th grade: losing all my friends and the start of the bullying, I started to contemplate suicide and I self harmed.  Almost every night I would sit up in my bed with either a knife or a bottle of pills.  Almost every night I thought it would be easier to just end it than deal with the pain any longer.

As I am still here, I never fully followed through.  Maybe deep down I knew that things would eventually get better, even though it seemed impossible.  I had felt so alone.  I felt I had no one who really cared about me.  It started with just holding the knife in my hand.  Trying to bring it to my wrist.  Then a bottle of pills in my hand, trying to bring it to my mouth.  I was very hesitant at first, even though I really wanted my pain to end.  Over a matter of weeks, the hesitation eased.  That is when I began cutting.  I started light.  Barely breaking the skin.  I pressed down just hard enough to cut through the top layer of skin.  It only looked like scratches.  Fearing what my parents would say with what my wrist was starting to look like, I moved to my inner thighs.  Each night I'd go a bit deeper.  Soon drawing blood.  I would just watch as the blood came to the surface and run down the cut.  I can't explain how it made me feel.... just maybe having the physical pain made the emotional pain subside, just for a moment.

I hit my apex in my junior year of high school.  One night I finally got the nerve to take the pills.  I had no idea what pills to take.  So I downed a full bottle of Aleve and prayed I would not wake up the next morning.  Apparently I couldn't die from taking a full bottle of Aleve.  I started thinking of other ways to end my life.  A girl in my class J.W. saw the signs.  Over a couple of weeks she convinced me not to kill myself.  I still cut, but not as deep as I used to.  The pain was still there, but having someone see the signs and care gave me hope.  I tried so hard to hide it from everyone in my life.  Why I let my guard down to show her what I was feeling maybe was a subconscious cry for help.

Soon after that is when I began smoking.  I made the conscious effort to replace my nightly ritual of cutting with a nightly cigarette.  Over the next year or so I had completely stopped cutting as long as I had that nightly cigarette.  If I skipped the cigarette, I would have that knife back in my hand.  Smoking became my vice.  A bad habit, yes, but I was no longer suicidal.  I found something that made me feel good.  Each drag just made the pain easier to deal with.  By then also my life was getting better.  I found myself surrounded by great friends, especially B, N, H, & M.  How I hid this from them, I don't know.  I put on such a good act I guess.

A few years later in college, things seemed to get bad again.  I was far away from my friends.  Getting bullied again.  I was trying losing it, so I started cutting again.  I picked up the knife with such ease.  I still remember that night crystal clear.  I can still feel how the blade felt going across my wrist.  I, as usual, didn't not cut deep.  Just enough for a little blood.  I cut for the next few weeks or so.  I finally stopped when I started dating my ex.  After dating for a while, I felt it was time to put away the knife for good.  I decided to get a celtic tattoo on my wrist to remind me not to cut.  The reason I chose celtic was because I was part scottish and in my mind every time I look at the tattoo it will remind me of all those that came before me and they endured, so I should be able to endure to.

Since getting the tattoo, I have not cut.  I've thought about it, but I have too much to live for now.  No matter how bad I feel, I just need to look at my wife and feel her love.  She is my reason for being.  And I would never want to hurt her.  When things get bad, instead of cutting I may pick a scab or pick the skin by my nails.  That's the extent of my self harm now.  Since quitting smoking cigarettes, it has been a little difficult not having that ritual, but thankfully I am smoking pipe tobacco once a day.  That has given me my nightly ritual back.  It's a close substitute.

I like to think that maybe way back when I started cutting, the deep down reason I didn't take my life is because the fates knew what I'd have now:  a loving wife, 3 wonderful kitties, 3 best friends, and an amazing famylie.

Taboo

So there is a topic that I've noticed is rarely discussed.  What if a transgender woman decides to keep her penis.  It could be for various reasons: can't afford surgery, scared of the surgery, or they have a significant other whom they love and they like that body part.  Whatever the reason, one thing that is hardly talked about is performance after starting hormones.  Don't let any porn fool you, it is not that easy to get an erection if you have been on hormones for a while.  Yes you expect the morning hard on to go away, but what about if you want to have sex?  And use your penis?  It's not as easy as one would think.  With lack of testosterone in your body, you suffer erectile dysfunction.  It will take a lot of work to get an erection, and even more work to keep it.  Is this the same for everyone?  No.  Each person can experience varying degrees.  Also, think of your penis as a muscle.  If you don't use it, you are going to lose it.  As much as most of us do not like our penises, we tend to not touch it.  The blood vessels constrict and forget how to stretch and bring in blood flow.  It will also become painful if you try.  Trust me.  Ow ow ow.

And if you really love your significant other, like I do, you do not want to disappoint in the bedroom.  Mostly they will understand it takes a bit more work to get the penis up.  But not always can you hold the erection and it may not be as big as it was pre-hormones as again, if you don't use it, you lose it.

So if you want to keep your significant other happy in bed, I suggest every so often, a few times a week, exercise that muscle.  I know it can get dysphoric, but it gets easier.  And for that extra push, you could always go the route of Viagra.  Which my doctor just prescribed to me yesterday.  I have not tried it yet, as I won't be able to afford to pick up the prescription until next weekend.  They are expensive.  10 pills for $50 (if you have insurance).  No insurance 10 pills will run you about $167.  But again, if you love your significant other with all your heart, it is worth it.

My Reach

I have 106 followers on Tumblr and over 3200 page view on my blogger site. When I started writing, I hoped to reach a few people with my transition story.  I can't get over how many people I have reached. I hope that some of what I am sharing is helping people.  Making them feel like they aren't alone. 

Fear

I remember when I was younger, like very young, I had no fear.  I was out going, energetic, very extroverted.  But that fearless kid vanished and has been replaced with an adult full of fear.  Over the years, series of events kept adding on the fear.  I acknowledge that I have fear, but I can't keep it from running my life.  I know how I got some of my fears:

• Fear of heights: I fell off a ladder and a genie lift I was in tipped and fall over with me hanging on to pipes above me.  Now heights terrify me.

• Fear of public speaking:  In sixth grade I had one of the male leads in Anne of Greene Gables the musical.  Kids whom I thought were my friends made fun of me constantly for singing and being in a play.  Since then I hate being in the spot light.  I hate speaking in front of groups, no matter the size.  I start shaking and stuttering.  It terrifies me to the bone.

However, I'm not sure where my other fears come from:

• Atelophobia= the fear of not being good enough
• Social fear
• Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
• Clautrophobia=the fear of enclosed spaces

I know I have been bullied my whole life.  Well not my whole whole life, but since sixth grade.  I don't know what happened in middle school, but I lost all my friends.  Most of them were into sports and since I wasn't, I was no longer good enough to hang out with them.  They started making fun of me for no reason.  Most of my middle school life, I had no friends.  No one to hang out with, no one to eat lunch with, no one to talk in class with.  I was so alone.  The only attention I got was being bullied and picked on by kids that used to be my friends.  I had hoped the bullying would have ended in high school, but no.  The same kids and some new ones continued the bullying and picking on and name calling.  When I found the drama club, I finally had a refuge, but even there I didn't feel like I totally belonged.  With so much bullying, I thought no one liked me.  I started to fear letting people in because I thought they would eventually turn and hate me and become another bully.  It got so bad that most nights I would lie in bed with either a bottle of pills or a knife wanting to stop the pain.  I was never able to take the pills, but I had learned to cut, just to feel something.  Never deep enough to kill myself.  I just could never bring myself that far, even though I had thought about it so much.  I kept thinking the world would be better off without me.  

I did develop three really strong friendships in high school, but I always felt like I had to buy their friendship.  I know that wasn't the case and they wanted to be around me for who I was and not what I did for them, but I couldn't let myself believe that.  As I am older, I know so much better and I consider two of them my sisters and one my brother.  To think back of what I thought I had to do for their friendship... I was a fool.

I went away to college in hopes to leave the bullying behind me and start fresh.  Instead I found a new group of bullies.  Never physical bullying, but constant verbal abuse.  Even after joining a fraternity in hopes to have a group to protect me, the bullying continued.  You know the phrase "I wouldn't pick on you if I didn't like you"?  Those who say that are still bullying you and don't realize how much their teasing and picking on really hurts.  I can take a joke, just not when I'm constantly attacked.  I've had bullies around me for a very long time.  I think the longer I heard their words, the more I believed them.  They destroyed my self esteem.  I feel so little of myself.  I always have this sense of worthlessness.  I never feel good enough.  I feel I don't deserve the wonderful wife I have, or the amazing friends I have.  I think people just put up with me instead of actually wanting me around.  This has all crippled me socially.  I get such social anxiety.  I hate going to parties.  I feel so alone.  I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting made fun of, or doing the wrong thing to get made fun of.  It gets so bad that I fear even spending time with my friends.  There are people I would love to go see and spend time with, but the fear takes over and I never do it.  One of my best friends, she lives down the street from me.... literally down the street and I let fear keep me from seeing her.  Another best friend lives just in the next town over, and I let fear keep me from seeing him.  I don't want to impose on any of them.  I don't want to feel like I'm putting them out.  It's destroying me.  I let the fear twist everything in my head.  I just can't stop it.  And most of this, I kept bottled up.  This is the first time letting this all out.  I just bottle up and make excuses like I'm busy with plans, when I am really just too scared to go out.  And god forbid anyone come over.  I never have people over because it just scares the crap out of me.  What if the house is a mess?  What if I missed some cat fur and they are allergic?  What if the house smells?  What if I don't have food to feed them or drink to offer them?  What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I say the wrong thing?  It just overwhelms me.  Deep down I would love to have my friends over to our house, but I can't get over the fear to do it.

I hate feeling this way.  I hope my therapist can help me with this.  It is not healthy and I can't keep living like this.  And being transgender just adds more fear of bullying and people not liking me.  I hope to one day over come all of this.  One day.

The In Between Stage

Starting to hate this in between stage.  Tomorrow we have a party to go to at a friends house whom I'm not out to yet.  Normally ok I can be in boy mode, except there is a pool and everyone goes swimming. It's gonna be hard to hide my growing breasts.  Cuz they are noticeable as breasts now.  Not sure how they will take it if I come out to them.  Either they could be like everyone else and be like "yeah we knew that" or they could not accept me.  It's so hard to know.  Ugh. We're still going to go, but I'm just worried. I know that if they can't accept me for who I am then they really aren't friends, but I don't want that pain if they can't accept me.

This is worry and stress is also weighing down on my wife.  I hate doing this to her.  Why can't the world be more accepting?  Why does it have to be hateful and ignorant?  

Ugh.

Quick July Update

So it's been 7 months on hormones.  I would love to say I'm getting a handle on my new more emotional state, but I'd be lying.  I mean I was emotional before starting hormones, but now I cry at the drop of a hat.  It takes everything in my being to hold back from crying about things at work.  As for physical changes, my breasts keep growing... slowly, but they are growing.  I'm about a B cup.  I find I need the support of a bra more and more.  This past weekend my wife and I were in Disney World for her birthday and I went 4 days without wearing a bra and it got painful at times. :(  But I survived.   Oh speaking of Disney World something exciting happened.  My wife and I were going to ride the new attraction Journey of the Little Mermaid at the new Fantasyland at the Magic Kingdom and the attendant called me and my wife Ladies.  Like I wasn't wearing makeup, and wasn't really all that femininely dressed... ok I was dressed a bit feminine... pink & powder blue hat, girl shorts, girl tank top, but still subtle to be kind of androgynous and he called us Ladies.   That just made the rest of my day.  Thank god I didn't open my mouth as I haven't really worked on my voice and it is definitely male sounding.  That might have really confused him.  Oh and also the day after that as we were entering Epcot, the cast member at the turnstile called me miss.  Seems like I'm starting to pass a bit without trying.  But I just don't see it when I look in the mirror.  :(  I wonder if I will ever see the changes. How long until I see the reflection I am supposed to see???  Oh well, two great moments at least.

And happy 30th birthday to my wife.  We were both worried about this journey of transition and we have grown so much closer.... closer than we ever thought possible.... and each day we get closer.... yay!!!!!

6 Months and Counting

I can't believe it has been 6 months since starting hormones.  Time is flying.  I never thought I would ever get to this point.  When I first admitted to myself that I was transgender, I never thought I would actually transition.  I didn't think I had the strength and courage.  But here I am, 6 months on hormones and going strong.

Not much to report in changes.  Some really really minor facial changes.  Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's).  I have gained some weight.  Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time.  Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight.  The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian.  For some reason my body is rejecting most meats.  Like eating meat makes me physically sick.  This has happened once before about 17 years ago.  That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time.  So here's hoping it works the same way.

My emotions have been all over the place.  It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years.  Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor.  Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it.  FYI it was the size of a small watermelon.  Yikes.  But I cared all that stress for two years.  Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender.  Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year.  It's been a ride.  But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.

I am very thankful for our support system.  My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle.  We call it Famylie.  We are very close and supportive of each other.  We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned.  They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through.  Always supportive.

That's all I got for now.

Hormone Levels

My first hormone level check results came in.  They are looking great according to my doctor.  I find it interesting when they tested me before they put me on hormones to transition I was on the low end for male hormones.

Who Am I? I Am Me!

A friend convinced me to start writing as a way to get thoughts out.  I needed to figure out who I really was.  I named the blogs "Who am I" not because I didn't know, but was afraid to know.  It has been about a year and a half since I started this journey.  It has been a journey of self discovery and truth.  It's been an interesting journey so far.  Many dark moments in the beginning, struggling with who I was.  I was confused, I was lost.  With the answer of who I was always with me, but hidden.  It was in plain sight, but a secret to me.  Maybe not a secret, but I was scared to admit it.  After 6 months of writing, I was finally ready to accept the truth and take the next steps.

Fast forward a year.  A year and half since the first words were written and a year since the first big steps were taken.  I have come such a long way.  I have friends and family that know, love and support me.  I have been on hormones for 6 months.  I help run social media for "GenderFest" a Transgender Social Network.  Amazing progress, at least in my mind.  If you told me 2 years ago, that this is where I would be, I would never have believed you.  But I am blessed for where I am and for how far I have come.  I have wonder friends who love me for who I am.  Ever their kids love and accept me, calling me Auntie Bryce or Bibi (Aunt in Indonesian).  One of them stopped a kid a school from making derogatory comments about the transgender community by telling them about me and feeling he needed to stand up for me.  It brings me to tears thinking about it.

I know this journey is far from over.  It will continue to have it's ups and downs.  There will still be unsure moments of what the future holds.  I pray every day that both me and my wife with have the strength to tackle whatever comes next.  But there is one thing I know.... I know who I am... I am a women.... I may not have been born with a woman's body, but I am a woman.  Some day my outer self will reflect that, no matter how long it takes.  It may take years, it may take decades, but some day.  I am taking the slow path, but at least I am on the right path.

I may change my blogs name at some point, since I know who I am now.