Ok, I know I have been MIA for a while. Sorry. Things have been crazy. Especially at work where I normally write my blogs in the morning. I usually can't write except in the mornings, because that is when my inspiration and what I want to talk about comes. I spend an hour in my car every morning commuting to work. During that time, I think. And that's when I develop my blogs in my head. If I don't write it in the morning when I get in early to work, then I forget what I wanted to write.
I'm trying to write at lunch time, when limited people are here at work and hopefully I remember everything.
So it has almost been 5 months on hormones. Where is the time going? I had a check-up with my endocrinologist this past Thursday. So far so good. My potassium was a bit elevated from the blood test a week prior, so we have to monitor that. I have also gained 10 lbs since my last appointment. Ugh. My goal originally was to loose 30 lbs, but now it's 40 lbs. Yikes. I am trying to get myself in an exercise routine. I have been trying to get up at 4:45am each morning to run on my treadmill for a half hour. And then before going to bed run an additional half hour. So far I could do 20 mins each time. Guess I need to work my way up to 30 mins. Also due to a head ache this morning, I didn't exercise. Hopefully I can get it in tonight. Also I was told I was a bit dehydrated. She told me I need to drink more water. I am going to try, I rarely feel thirsty so I always forget to drink water. Maybe I should set an alarm to remind me to drink water.
Now on the the changes. Physically, not too much happening. Which is kind of sad, but slow is good so work doesn't notice changes as easily. My breasts are still growing. I am starting to fill a B cup. Not fully but they are getting there. My wife has definitely noticed that they have grown. Body hair has slowed again, but that's been a roller coaster of slow growth and fast growth. It needs to make up it's mind. I haven't noticed any facial changes yet. My wife has noticed my hips are filling out more and becoming curvier. I have noticed that I've started swaying my hips without meaning too, like they are naturally swaying. I now have to pay attention to if I'm doing it, so I don't do it at work. I think my butt is getting rounder/fuller. My undies are starting to fit differently, like the way they are supposed to fit.
Psychologically, I am more emotional. I could start crying at the drop of a hat. I tend to have more bitchy moods, according to my wife. I feel more feminine. Like I feel like I'm sounding more feminine in the way I structure sentences. More than I used to.
I still have fears as I go down this process. One is the in between stages. Like having breasts, but still noticeably male. How will I go swimming this summer? Do I try to bind and hide my breasts and wear t shirts and swim trunks? With friends, do I wear a bikini top and swim trunks or full woman's swimsuit? I don't know how I will feel wearing any of it. Maybe I'll just avoid water all together.
Other fears are that things are not going well at work. I am not out to anyone at work. I am trying to keep it hidden for as long as possible because I fear losing my job, even though it is against the law to discriminate against gender identity in CT. I have gotten two warnings for appearing negative at work. Which is total BS, but my concentration or stress face is being construed as negativity. Also the way I breathe when I'm really focused is being interpreted as huffing and annoyance. AYFKM?!? Well I have tried to give off a more positive appearance. I try to smile as much as I can. I try to talk more cheerfully. I listen to happy music at my desk and change my breathing to a breathy whistle to the music. Now I've gotten a complaint that I'm too happy. Ugh. Really?? I'm starting to think there is some suspicion about me and they are trying to keep throwing me under the bus until they have enough to fire me. I hope that isn't the case. If so, that is really shitty. I'm afraid to find another job somewhere else as I know I won't be making as much as I do now and we can't afford for me to take a pay cut. I really need to win the lotto. ;) So for now I'm trying to be the model employee and not be online with social media, get in early and stay late to get everyone's work done. I don't want to give them anymore fire.
That's about it for now. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm fine, just can't get on to write or when I can I can't think of anything to write.
