Decided To Be Daring

This morning my wife had to go in really early to work.  So I got her up at 5:15am.  I tried to roll over and go back to sleep after waking her, but my mind turned on and wouldn't let me.  Since I was up really early anyway I figured it would be a good day to stop by and check on a friend's house on my way into work (she's on vacation and I have been stopping every other day to get her mail and make sure the house was ok). Seeing how I was not going directly to work and was going to be going somewhere with no one around, I decided to be a bit daring and go to her house dressed in a skirt, my new teal tank top, heels, hoop earrings, hair down, and push-up bra.  I was all girled out.  Leaving the house my heart was racing as I hoped not to be seen by my neighbors.  They are young redneck grease monkey types and I have no idea how they would treat me seeing me dressed as a girl.  But I got in the car with no one seeing me and headed to my friend's house.  It felt so comfortable being dressed the way I was.  I wish I could dress like that all the time, but still not out at work (may never be out at work due to the type of company I work for).  I got to her house and got out of the car.  I mustered up a lot of confidence to walk to her mail box and get her mail and go in her house.  No cars passed by so all was good.  Not getting many chances to dress like this, I figured I'd enjoy a few more moments and went out to her back yard and had a cigarette.  I caught a glance of my reflection in the sliding glass door.  I nearly fell over.  I thought I really looked good.  Very passable, especially since I couldn't see my ever so present five o'clock shadow.  Finished my cigarette and it was time for me to change into my normal work clothes and head to work.  Kinda sad, but at least I had a few moments as myself.

Pinterest

I am so addicted to the women’s apparel category on Pinterest.  I see all these cute outfits I wish I could wear.  Hopefully some day I can wear them.  For now I just repin them into my Fashion for Friends board so people don’t know that they are for me.

The Debate

This weekend even though I will not be in NC for a reunion, my wife and I will be going to a friends house for the weekend.  For the past 25 years, this friend has held a weekend party to celebrate his birthday.  I have been going for the past 7 years.  He is a theater techie and most of the people that will be there are people I used to work with when I was in theater.  The debate is whether or not to come out to them.  They are friends, but I don't see them much anymore.  Most theater people are very open minded, but techies are very hard to read.  It could go over well or it could not.  I acknowledge the fear is talking when I'm worried it won't go over well.  But is this the right setting to come out to them?  Does it matter if they know?  Maybe like everyone else, they know and are just waiting for me to say it.  Should I go with my toes painted or should I remove my nail polish and just be the old reserved me.  I'm not sure.  Part of me thinks they won't care, another part of me worries they will make fun of me.  Ugh.  I hate when I have this debate going on in my head.  Maybe I should just go with my toes painted and if someone says something that could be the ice breaker?  At least I have till Friday to decide.

Feeling a bit sad

As this weekend draws closer, the sadder I get.  This weekend marks the 75th anniversary of an outdoor theater I worked at.  I spent four summers there.  It was like a home away from home.  Over those four summers I grew as a person.  Learned many things about myself.  I also made many friends who I consider family.  For the past 10 years, I have tried to go back to visit.  Every year I let life get in the way.  This year was supposed to be different.  This year I was going and many of my friends were going to be there for the huge reunion celebration.  But as plans for the reunion were finalizing, life was getting in the way again.  There was no way I could afford to go down for it.  It would have cost about $1000 for hotel, gas, food, etc.  So I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going.  Now as the weekend draws closer, my facebook is lite up with hopes from friends to see me, and I have to tell them I won't be there.  It's hard.  I miss them so much.  Many of us are spread across the country so getting everyone together is usually not possible.  I hope when the 80th anniversary comes around, I will finally stand up and not let life get in the way.  Not sure if anyone I know will be going to that one.  I hope so.  That will be 15 years without seeing many of these friends.  Those four years will always be in my heart.

School forced to allow transgender pupil, 16, to sit exam in a skirt (Link)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/9419577/School-forced-to-allow-transgender-pupil-16-to-sit-exam-in-a-skirt.html

Camp Aranu’tiq: A place where transgender youth can be themselves (Link)

http://sdgln.com/social/2012/07/20/camp-aranu-tiq-place-transgender-youth-can-be-themselves

Dreams, Fears and What Not....

Dreams....
Lately I been having dreams again that I vaguely remember.  Last night I had two.. the first I dreamed that I failed my Real Estate exam again and I got fired because of it.  That scared me as in less than a week I retake the general section of the Real Estate exam.  Then I had another dream where I was turning into a bear.  Really weird.  I don't remember much of it but I do remember I was slowly changing.  I woke up as I was growing bear fur.  I wonder what that dream means.

Fears....
This morning as I was getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror.  I was only wearing a bra and panties.  As I looked in the mirror, a fear came over me.  As I have not started HRT yet, I am still very male.  And my reflection was just of a man wearing a bra and panties.  It was saddening.  I started to worry that even when I start HRT that I will never look feminine.  I'm afraid I will always look as a man in woman's clothes.  I want to be a woman so bad.  I want people to look at me and have no doubt of me being a woman.  I fear that it won't happen.  It has got me in a funk this morning.  Yesterday I watched some YouTube videos of people's transition slide shows.  Showing how they looked before HRT and then the progression of each month on HRT.  A majority looked amazing.  Like you would never tell now that they were ever male.  I want to be like them.  I want to be a pretty woman.  I hate dysphoria.

What Not....
I have been out to a lot of people in the last month or so.  I'm a little disappointed that I really haven't gotten any questions.  I know that many transgender people don't want people asking them questions, but I actually do.  I'm surprised my parents or my sister hasn't asked me anything about being Trans*.  They don't have the links to my blogs so they can't read about what I'm going through.  Maybe they just need time to process it.  Or maybe they are ignoring it.  I don't know.  I welcome the questions.  I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become with myself and being able to express myself.  Granted, writing is so much easier because it gives me more time to think, but I want to be open about everything.  The more open I am, the less I hide.  The less I hide, the more I can be my true self.  On my tumblr blog, it gives people the option to ask questions.  I get none.  I watch others get asked all sorts of questions, me nothing.  I want to talk to people.  I need to talk to people.

Now a happy note....
My new clothes should arrive today.  I hope they fit.  I look forward to the day when I can actually go into a store and try on the clothes I want instead of ordering online and not knowing if they will fit or not.  Also I got my new woman's watch last night.  It's cute.  Much smaller/sleeker, more feminine.  I wore it to work today.  I wonder if anyone will really notice I'm wearing a woman's watch.  Probably not.  Oh well.

Words that are Transphobic & Why

Thinking

Since my last post about two hours ago I have been thinking about what I wrote.  About why I have slowed down.  Was it really because I've been busy?  Or was it because I've been stressed.  The more I thought of it, I think those reasons were just masking the real underlying reason.  Deep down I think I was starting to think I was putting to much stress on the people in my life.  I think I felt like I was asking too much too quick from my wife and my friends.  I felt like I was drowning them in Trans* this and Trans* that.  Was I just putting so much out there and asking so much that they were getting sick of hearing it?  Was I pushing too hard and asking too much?  Were my friends tired of hearing about me and what I am going through?  Most of my life I have been the person who would drop everything to help, always be the ear to listen and never speak back.  Some part of me always felt that my troubles were never worth vocalizing.  Fear has made me think that no one wants to hear me complain or whine or express myself.  So I would just internalize and not bother anyone.  Then the freight train of my accepting and coming out as a transgender woman came and I didn't have time to worry about internalizing.  Was I just dumping too much on the people around me?  And of course being me I end up going from one extreme to another.  Instead of being open and my myself.. I go into hiding and internalizing.  I want to find a happy medium.  I do not want to stress any friendships or be a bother to anyone.  I just want to be me.  But I do need help, but I've hit the other extreme and too worried to ask for it.  I'm all in my head again and twisting everything around.  I want to find a balance.  This journey is so hard, I just need to remind myself that it is worth it in the end.  I don't want the depression and self loathing anymore.  I want the happiness and self content.

TOMORROW’S PEOPLE: CHANGING ATTITUDES TO TRANSGENDER ISSUES (Link)

http://gaynewsnetwork.com.au/feature/ft-south-australia/7858-tomorrow-s-people-changing-attitudes-to-transgender-issues.html

Blah

Lately I have been feeling very blah.  Things have slowed down a lot regarding my journey.  It's been weeks since I have fully dressed or put makeup on.  Even though I am out to a lot of people, I am still hesitant with being out as the woman I am inside.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm waiting for another perfect opportunity like the pride parade.  Or a small gathering of friends.

My desire to be a woman is still strong and still growing inside of me.  I feel like I still need to be pushed though.  I know part of me hopes that a friend would call and beg me to come over so she can do my hair.  Or that a few friends would do like a girl's night and invite me.  I don't know.  I do know that everyone has been crazy busy, including me.  Lately my weekends have been booked.  Like this coming weekend, my wife and I have to go over to my parents to help install ceiling fans and then after that we are having a family gathering to celebrate three family birthdays.  Since not everyone in the family knows, I still have to hide.  Sunday is a free day, but that just means the normal laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, etc.  Also it hasn't helped that I have been stressed lately.  I was stressing over a Real Estate exam.  Which I failed one part, so now I'm stressing about having to retake that part.  Always stressed about finances.  I would love to be able to afford to get a bunch of new women's clothes to continue to grow my wardrobe and get more makeup supplies.  But those aren't really necessities so they must wait.

I've also been a little depressed lately.  Next weekend is the 75th anniversary reunion party for an outdoor theater I used to work at.  I was hoping to go but it was too expensive for us to travel to NC for it.  I understand that we can't afford it, it's just hard when watching all my friends post on FB how they are looking forward to seeing everyone and I won't be there.  Luckily one of our theater techie friends is holding his annual weekend birthday bash that weekend.  It's the 25th anniversary of that, so my wife and I will be going.  I haven't seen many of those people in a long time either.  None of them know about me so I will again have to hide it.  Not sure how some of them would take it.  Most likely they would take it like everyone else saying they have always known and would be supportive.  But who knows... damn fear... I really wish I could duct tape fear's mouth shut.  Of course who knows... maybe I'll get buzzed or drunk and let it slip.  Guess we shall wait and see.

I've also been getting very anxious to start HRT.  In some ways I can't wait to start, but another part of me is ok with waiting so my wife and I can try to have a baby.  I really want a girl.  I want to make her a princess. I look forward to taking her shopping and getting her all dressed up.  But then as I get excited about that, I also worry about raising a child in a household where her father is a transgender woman.  I worry about what her friends would say or do.  Again... damn fear talking... it really needs to stop.  I know it is trying to protect me, but I also know this is the correct path for me regardless of the risks.  So I look on the bright side and think that by the time she is old enough that society will have finally caught up and be more accepting.

On a happier upbeat note... my new woman's watch should be delivered today and the new clothes I ordered should be delivered tomorrow.  I can not wait.  Guess that's all for now.

Ten Things Transgender Persons Should discuss with Their Healthcare Care Provider (Link)

http://www.glma.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=Page.viewPage&pageID=692

My Blog

As of this morning I have passed 800 page views for my blog.  I just want to thank those who have been reading.  I hope my journey is informative and for those who are reading that are also transgender that you know you are not alone.  I will continue to write about my journey and maybe inspire others to write too.

Becoming Katie (Link)

http://www.tulsaworld.com/specialprojects/news/becoming_katie/default.aspx

Weekend Update

This past weekend I took a couple more baby steps in my journey of transition.  First I ordered some new clothes (a couple of shorts, tank tops, and a more feminine watch).  I can't wait till they arrive.

Second on Saturday I wore my kilt all day even out in public.  I know a kilt is a man's garb, but it is still a skirt and I wore it out.  I did not care what other people thought.  I thought this would be a good baby step to going out fully dressed some day.  I had no issues.  No weird stares or comments.  So that was a big plus.  I was worried.  But I tried to look confident wearing it and I think I succeeded.

Third step was on Sunday.  My wife and I went through our clothes to clean out and reorganize.  After we threw out a bag full of ripped and holey clothes and had a over flowing bag for donations it was time to reorganize what was left.  I finally have separated my female clothes from my male clothes.  I was surprised at how equal in quantity they are becoming.  My male clothes are slowly shrinking and my female clothes are slowly growing.  I know I will have to keep my male clothes for a long long time, but I'm happy to have my female clothes in a few designated spots instead of hiding in bags or in a cubby.  All my skirts and shirts are now hung up in the closet.  All my undies, bras, tights, nylons, etc are in their own drawer, no longer mixed with my male stuff.  It is nice to no longer have to have them hidden.

I know these are baby steps, but it makes the transition much easier if you do it one small step at a time.  Not sure what the next steps will be yet.

Being Transgender

Just some quick personal opinions about being Transgender:

1.  It is not a choice: We are born this way.  Our brains are wired this way.

2.  It is not easy:  Once you accept who you are, it will be a long hard journey.  Longer for some and harder for some.  Not every journey is the same.  You will be fighting the tide of society.  Not everyone will accept you.  Not everyone will support you.

3. You are not alone: There are many people who know they were born the wrong gender.  You are not the only one going through this.  Though the transition varies from person to person, there are many experiences that are shared.

4. There is no norm: There is no normal transgender person like there is no normal cis person.  Each person is unique.  Some are happy with just dressing and living as the opposite gender with no hormones and no surgery.  Some are happy with just taking hormones, dressing and living as the opposite gender with no surgery.  And some need to take hormones, dress & live as the opposite gender and have surgery.  Everyone is different and unique.  Thus beautiful for their uniqueness.

5. Love yourself: Above all love yourself for who you are.  Don't let people make you feel any different.  Be who you are and were meant to be.  Don't let anyone keep you from being that.  Don't let fear hinder that.  When you love and accept yourself for who you are, the darkness will fade and the fear will be silent.

Goals

Making the journey of transitioning can be very scary. There are many obstacles to over come as you begin the journey and continue on the journey. The journey is long and does not start when some would think. It does not start when you first dress as a woman. It does not start when you take your first hormone injection. It starts long before that and everyone's journey takes different paths at different speeds. The end goal isn't always the same either, but many experiences are shared despite the differences. And fear is always with you along this journey. But if goals are set, then each time one is achieved then the fear will become quieter. 

My therapist says that "Fear will use your education, beliefs, morals, spirituality, relationships, insecurities etc. etc. etc. because it wants to guard you from risk and pain - emotional and physical. Try to speak to your fear, recognize what it is saying and say "Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I recognize this risk and I believe I deserve to take it. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be my most true self. I accept me today and always.""  

Here is a current list of goals I have set and their status:

Blue = self esteem goals

Green = requires money

1. Accept myself as a Transgender Woman - Complete
2. Fully open up to my wife - Complete
3. Come out to friends - Mostly complete - I have come out to my close circle of friends and some distant friends
4. Come out to family - Partially complete - I have come out to my parents, my sister, and my in-laws
5. Start therapy - Complete
6. Go out in public as a woman - Done once a couple of weeks ago in NYC for the Pride parade
7. Learn how to apply my own makeup - I can do my foundation and powder, just need to learn how to do eye shadow, eye liner and blush
8. Be more comfortable around my house dressed as a woman - I live in a duplex next to my in-laws and still a bit shy of them seeing me dressed as a woman - work in progress
9. Get rid of five o'clock shadow - need to save up $300 to try No! No! hair remover - It may be a couple of months
10. Buy more woman's clothes - On going - currently only have a couple of shirts, a few skirts, two pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts
11. Get more accessories - On going - need a more feminine watch, sunglasses, earrings and necklaces
12. Get more makeup supplies - On going - need brushes, better eyeliner, better mascara, etc
13. Go out more as a woman in public
14. Spend more time with friends as a woman
15. Work on my female voice
16. Start spending more time as a woman and less as a man
17. Start HRT
18. Spend most of my time as woman except at work and family gatherings

This is my list thus far.  I'm sure I'll be adding more as time goes on.  I hope as I achieve each goal I will silence the fear and get to be the woman I know I am inside.

Post from a Friend to One of His Friends

"Life is most certainly filled with hardships and sometimes you may feel that you're getting more than your share of em. But then you think of all the good times with your family and friends fore surely they must out weigh the bad and try not to get bogged down in hopelessness and despair. It may sound silly but, when I get what I call the "mean-reds" I go out and blow bubbles at and for children or maybe just for myself or pick flowers and give them to some one who is not expecting them. Please, do not let life get you down. There is always something to be glad about no matter how minuet."

Getting Anxious

I have been anxious lately.  It has now been a couple weeks since I have fully dressed as a woman.  I've been wearing a bra everyday.  Occasionally I put in my hoop earrings as I drive into work and take them out when I pull in.  I have put on a skirt a couple of times while at home.  But I really want to go full out again.  Still haven't practiced putting on makeup yet.  I do fine with the foundation, powder, lips, and mascara, but I still have issues with eyeliner, eye shadow and blush.  Every time I get close to practicing I seem to talk myself out of it.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm still feeling a bit ashamed of myself... I'm letting the fear get to me.  I try to face it and ignore the fear, but lately it has been stronger.  I want to fight the fear.  I want to be myself as a woman.  I want to get the courage to buy more woman's clothes and be able to wear them.  I am hating wearing men's clothes more and more... they just aren't looking right on me anymore.  I don't know.  Most likely I will be discussing this tonight in therapy.  Hopefully I will make some headway. :)

Gender Warriors

http://www.redeyechicago.com/news/ct-red-transgender-chicago-20120709,0,4418554.story

Reflection

As I continue on this journey of transition, I am finding the hardest part to deal with before I can begin HRT sometime next year is my reflection.  The hard part of my reflection to deal with is my thick beard.  No matter how much I shave or whether or not I use a straight razor or electric razor I have such a five o'clock shadow.  The only way to hide it is with makeup, which can be tedious and costly.  When I have the funds I hope to try that No! No! hair removal.  Right now $300 is hard to swallow, but I hope when I can afford it, it will work.  That's one major thing I need to resolve.  There is nothing worse than seeing the five o'clock shadow and rubbing my hand on my face and feeling like I'm rubbing on sand paper.

Beyond Politics

http://www.opednews.com/articles/1/Beyond-Politics-LGBT-Work-by-Joshua-Fisher-120628-393.html

Healthy Living

http://www.thestar.co.uk/community/healthy-living-i-feel-a-million-dollars-now-that-i-have-become-a-woman-1-4721684

Shocking Figures

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2170773/Shocking-figures-reveal-half-transgender-teens-America-considered-suicide-tried-kill-themselves.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Dateline - July 8, 2012

Last night Dateline on NBC aired a segment called "Transgender children in America encounter new crossroads with medicine".  As I watched it, I was full of emotions.  The segment was about a child who knew he was a girl at a very young age.  But before she realized it and her parents realized it, she was depressed and agitated all the time.  Doctors prescribed about 13 different drugs for depression, ADHD, and anxiety.  It was until one doctor saw her playing with a doll and she lifted her shirt to breast feed the doll did the doctor realize that she was suffering from gender identity disorder.  Once the parents accepted this and allow her to dress and live as a girl did she calm down and was no longer depressed.  However, most doctors refused to treat her with blockers and estrogen.  Why is it ok to give a three to six year old Prozac and 12 other drugs equating to 17 doses a day, but yet it is wrong to prescribe anything to actually help her.  By six years old she knew she was a girl in a boys body.  By nine years old she was in utter fear of puberty and becoming more masculine.  She even contemplated taking matters into her own hands and performing her own surgery to remove her penis.  Thank goodness her mom stopped her.  Why don't people understand that we know who we are from a very early age??  One doctor interviewed said that gender identity was a phase that most children suffering gender identity disorder grow out of it once they go through puberty.  I disagree.  I believe that most "grow out of it" due to societal pressures and force themselves to hide who they are.  Out of fear and being ashamed due to their upbringing or religion.  How many children end up killing themselves because they can not be who they really are??  When will people learn that we know who we are at an early age and embrace it instead of ignoring it??  You can't fix gender identity disorder with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and ADHD drugs.  If you want to help someone, embrace who they really are and help them become the person/gender that they are meant to be, who they know in their hearts and minds, they are supposed to be.

Transgender children in America encounter new crossroads with medicine

http://insidedateline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/08/12625007-transgender-children-in-america-encounter-new-crossroads-with-medicine?lite

Still Afraid??

At this point in my journey I have come out to my parents, my sister, my in-laws, and my friends.  I have been accepted by all but there is still this fear lingering.  I'm still afraid to be me.  Why??  I'm still afraid to dress as I really am.  I'm still afraid to practice putting on makeup.  Why?? Why?? Why??  My wife supports me, my friends support me, my family supports me.  I want to stand tall and be me, but I'm afraid.  I want this fear to go away.  I no longer have to hide who I am, but still feel that need to.  Is it because I have  hid myself for so long that I know no other way?  Why do I fear what other people think?  People I don't know.  I want to feel strong.  I wish there was a way to erase this fear and replace it with confidence.  I just recently got a new bra that actually makes me look like I have breasts.  It's great.  But I'm afraid to wear it.  Why??  God I need a confidence boost.

Transgender 101: 15 Things to Know

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nicholas-m-teich/transgender-101-15-things_b_1432572.html#s875095&title=1_Defining_Transgenderism

When Did I Know

A friend asked me when I knew I was different.... here is my response:


When I was between 5 and 6 my sister and aunt would dress me up and call me Brycianna.  It felt right and I always loved doing it.  In kindergarten all my friends were girls and I rathered play with them than any of the boys.  I loved playing house and with dolls than with boy's toys and sports... so I guess those were the earliest signs.

Up to middleschool, all my close friends were girls and I found I related to them better.  Middleschool was just hell... everyone is lost and confused there.  But at thirteen is when I started to wish I was a girl instead of a boy.  By fifteen, when no one was home I would sneak into my sister's room and put on some of her clothes.  They felt more comfortable.  By Highschool my circle of friends were girls again and I felt more comfortable with them. Junior year it I started to feel depressingly out of place in my male body.  Contemplated suicide several times.  Still every night wishing I was a girl.  Senior year, I forced myself to try to be more male.. that lasted until my Sophomore year of college.  The summer after my sophomore year is when I did the fifth letter and started to come out to my self.  I started wearing girls jeans and shaving my legs, chest, and pits.  The desire to be a woman was becoming more and more.  When I was alone in Virginia after my first wife and I split, I would dress when I was home and sometimes go driving as a woman.  But when I moved back home I tried to push those thoughts away.  


When I met my wife I hoped being with a woman I dearly love that I would no longer want to be a woman.  I threw away all the clothes I had accumulated over the years.  But the desire to be a woman became more and more.  Feeling ashamed of those desires, I just kept them to my self .  But instead it was eating me up inside.  Then a friend got me to write, which opened the flood gates to me accepting myself.  


So I did know at an early age, but due to societal pressures and the way my family was, I hid it. 

Coming Out: Part 2

Yesterday I came out to my sister.  Again, just like everyone else, she said she kind of already knew.  And she was ok with it.  She joked that she always wanted a sister.

In the past few weeks, I have come out to a majority of my friends, my parents, my sister, and my in-laws.  All have been accepting and supportive.  I have merged my Google+ account with my blogger blog.  I have updated my email address to my real email address on my blog sites.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  No more hiding who I really am, for the most part.  As of now, I am not coming out at work and I am not coming out to certain family members.  For work, I work for a small company that is kind of like an old boys club.  Even though it is illegal in CT to discriminate against transgenders, I fear that they would still find a way to make my life a living hell and maybe even find another way to fire me.  For certain family members, they are very old school religious (my grandmother and great aunt especially).  I know they would not understand and would go on and on how I would be going to hell.  Plus with my parents living next to both of them, I know my grandmother and great aunt would cause extra added stress on my parents and they already get enough from them.  I'm ok with them not knowing.  I can at least hide it from them for a while.  I'm not sure what will happen when I start HRT.  I hope I can still hide it from both work and my certain family members.