Roller Coaster

Ok so first, I failed at disconnecting / unplugging from everything.  I made it 10 minutes.  For the past few months I've been on this roller coaster ride of emotions.  I am really starting to question whether I should seek professional help.  One second I'm happy and cheerful, the next I'm all in my head over analyzing and twisting events causing me to be depressed.  WTF.  Can't I just be happy??  Can I please get off this roller coaster??  Why do I over think??  I really wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes.  I want to enjoy life instead of stress over it.  Ugh.

Disconnected

I feel very disconnected today.  A little depressed.  Too much in my head.  I am going to try to unplug myself.  Log out of Facebook on my computer and my phone.  Turn off my messenger.  And when I'm done writing this, log out of blogger.  My head is spinning.  I'm over analyzing and twisting things in my head again.  I just want to be happy.  Maybe some off line time will do me good.  We shall see how it goes.

Energy

Have you ever been attracted to someone's energy before?  Either that you really need to be around a person or even to connect with a person.  How about the opposite?  Feel you can't be around a person and try to avoid all contact.

I feel that attraction.  It's nothing sexual.  It's just I'm drawn to their energy.  This goes along with my touchy feely-ness.  I also believe that the people with the energy that I'm attracted to are the people I keep in my circle of friends.  I have a hard time explaining/expressing this attraction.  I just feel the urge to be around them and sometimes to touch them.  Again nothing sexual.  Like I just want to hold their hand.  If I'm sitting next to them maybe put my arm around them or put a hand on their leg.  Just to connect with that energy.  Is that odd??  It doesn't matter if they are a guy or a girl.  Like my best friends husband.  We were driving back from Five Guys one time and we were both in the back seat.  His wife and my wife were in the front.  We were very close to each other due to the car seat with their daughter on one side.  I just so wanted to just put my hand on his leg.  I resisted because I didn't know how he'd take it.  He has a great energy about him and I wanted to connect with it.  The same situation happened again with my best friend.  Coming back from Moe's one night, she and I were in the back seat and again I had the urge to connect with her energy.  Again I resisted.  I don't understand this urge. 

For the opposite, another good friend's brother, I don't want to be around.  I feel he has an energy I don't want to be around.  Her husband is the same way to me.  I can't explain it.  It's not because they are guys.  My best friend from High School.  I am highly attracted to his energy.  I never want to stop a hug from him.  I don't know.  I fear that this attraction could come off as creepy.  Or be perceived as an advance.  But it is totally innocent.  But how do you tell your friends or their spouses, you just want to hold their hand.  You want to connect with their energy.  I don't think I can.  They would think of me weird or lying that it is innocent.

I miss my theatre days.  At an outdoor theatre I worked at, it wasn't considered odd if you wanted to just hold someone's hand, or put your arm around them or touch their leg.  It was just the norm.  Like we were all connecting with each others energy. 

Thoughts

For as long as I can remember I've had some thoughts that I would refuse to acknowledge.  Thoughts that were out of my character and I refused to believe I would even think them.  Yesterday a friend convinced me that I should at least acknowledge them so they do not eat away at me.  So I am going to try.  That is the best I can do is try.  Some are disturbing, some make me cry, and some scare me.

One thought that scares me is one where I take my own life.  I get so wrapped up in my head and twist things up so much that I start believing that no one really loves me and I'm just a burden on the people around me.  I begin to believe that they are better off without me in their lives.  Then the thoughts float in about how I'd kill myself.  I've thought about slitting my wrists, driving my car off a bridge, and taking pills.  I do love my life, my wife, my friends, and my family.... but these thoughts try to push their way in.  I fight them off and try very hard to ignore them.

If I were to try to analyze those thoughts I would say that I have very low self esteem and I have a fear of abandonment.  I am very fearful that I will push people away due to my actions or my words.  I over analyze every action or inaction until it consumes me.  Then the depression sets in and the dark thoughts start to appear.  I don't want them.

Other thoughts that scare me are the ones where I hurt other people.  I tend to bottle up my emotions and anger is one of them.  I am very fearful of snapping.  I would never hurt anyone that I love and the thoughts have never involved them, but my anger gets focused on the driver that cuts me off or the person who cuts in line or bumps me without apologizing.  Again I would never act on these thoughts and it is hard for me to believe that I would even ever have them.  I always try to look for the best in people.  I try to have an optimistic outlook on life.  Where does this darkness come from??

I have acknowledged the dark part of me, put I try to keep it chained and buried deep inside of me.  I am truly a loving caring person.  I would never hurt anyone.  I just wish I could recognize the love that comes back to me.  Instead I'm always worried about straining and loosing people in my life.  I never want that.  I just want to embrace everyone and never let them go.

Lasts Nights Dream

So I am said to write that my dream last night was very boring.  Nothing exciting, no body swaps, and I was my normal self.  :(  I dreamt that I was back working for a lighting and sound rental company that I worked at about 7 years ago and I was setting up for a gig.  That's it.  Nothing crazy happened.  I am very disappointed in that dream.  Maybe tonight's dream will be better.  Fingers crossed.

Dodging or Beating Around the Bush

Why can't I be straight with people.  I seem to always beat around the bush.  Why can't I just come out and say what I'm thinking.   With one of my friends I am able to talk about a bunch of stuff, but there are some topics I just dance around.  Why can't I just spit it out.  Why do I hide and dodge?  This is almost as bad as saying "I'm Sorry" all the time.

Interesting Dream

Last night I had a dream very similar to the movie "Chances Are".  I dreamt that I had died in a car accident.  When I died, I went to what I think was heaven.  I was moved to a huge white waiting room.  When my name was called I headed to the counter.  The person there told me it wasn't my time to advance yet and I would be going back.  I really wanted to get back and see my wife.  They told me I wouldn't remember anything after they gave me a shot, but I wasn't paying attention.  All I wanted to do was get back.  I was shuffled into a line and told it was time to go.... not wanting to not remember I jumped the line and got sent back without the shot. 

To my surprise I was born a girl.  The memories of my past life soon faded after being born.  I grew up like the average girl.  I lived in California and was really into theatre and costuming.  I decided to go to college at the State of California University.  It was there that I met the man of my dreams.  He was wonderful.  There was something very familiar about him.  He was from Connecticut.  We started dating my sophomore year.  At the end of the spring semester he convinced me to fly back to Connecticut to meet his family.  As we got off the plane I was getting a very deja vu moment.  Like I had been in that airport before, but it was impossible as I had never been to Connecticut.  As we walked out of the airport, his parents were there to pick us up.  As we turned the corner and they were in view, I got a rush of memories.  I was starting to remember my past life and who I was.  I tried to compose myself and pass it off as being weary from the long flight.  But things got worse.

As we drove and his parents talked I couldn't get over the feeling that I knew them.  As we pulled up to their yellow house that sat atop a slight hill, I got more flashes of memories.  As I had been there before many years ago.  A dog greeted us as we went to the back of the house around the hot tub.  I got more flashes.  Somehow I mentioned to my boyfriend that I was having major deja vue.  I asked him if he ever had a dog named Beisley.  He was shocked.  He asked how I knew that.  He hadn't mentioned Beisley to me before.  I said somehow I just knew.  We walked in the house and I was getting more odd feelings.  I could picture myself there before.  Making cookies, parties, and other random events.  I walked over to their fridge and they had a picture of man on there that took my breathe away.  I suddenly realized that I was looking at an image of myself from my last life.  As that realization popped into my head, my alarm went off and I woke up. 

Ugh. 

Why do I always wake up just as the dreams start getting real good.  This would be a good one to continue if I could re-dream dreams.

The Way It Should Be by Vergil F.e. Tudtud

Solitude have I to endure,
seemingly held with disclosure.
A fellow left astray,
as yet from yesterday.

Flashing your dainty, disarming smile,
warms my heart every once in a while.
Our longtime kinship
will always bloom with friendship.

It has never been so profound,
a lifetime friend have I found.
Let our friendship be a bond,
which can never be like a dry pond.

Let us not forget the dreams we share,
forever like sisters or brothers we care.
You'll always be a friend to me,
and that's the way it should be.

Am I Straining Our Friendship?

I have a friend that means the world to me.  She has helped me in many ways.  She accepts me for who I am.  She supports me.  She encourages me to be strong.  She re-introduced me to writing to help me open up and accept myself.  She is my best friend, my confidant, my life coach.... She has saved my life on many occasions.  She is my inspiration.  She is like a sister and in many ways more than a sister could ever be.

With the secrets I share, the internal struggles I relay, the bouts of depression I endure..... I pray every day that I do not put too much on her.  I hope I never cross a line.  I hope someday I can repay her for everything she has done for me.

I never want to be a burden and I hope our friendship never gets strained.  I want this friendship to only get stronger and to last our lifetime into the next life.

New Dreams

The dreams are starting again.  Last night was a little weird, of course which ones aren't.  I dreamt I was a waitress at some hoity-toity party.  I was serving some expensive Cognac.  We ran out and I had to go get another bottle from the basement.  As I walked down to the basement, it turned into a library.  I kept searching for a bottle, then there was a fire and I was searching for a way out.  Everyone was panicking.  I couldn't find a way out.  Then my first alarm woke me up.  I hope I remember more of my dreams as the nights go on.

Quitting Again

I am attempting to quit smoking again.  As of yesterday, I have started Step 1 of the patch again.  I must of had about 20 dreams last night.  Everything was splintered due to the first night on the patch causes me to toss and turn so I woke up every time I tossed.  But soon I will be able sleep the night and begin the vivid dreams again.  I look forward to writing about them.  I learn so much from them.  It's also fun to see who I'll be and where I'll be.  Stay tuned for some more dreams.......

With A Little Help From Friends

I have now opened up to 5 people about myself. 

The first one was my best friend from High School.  Surprisingly he kind of already knew.  Nothing changed in our friendship.  He accepts me for who I am.

The second was a female friend from High School who I had lost touch with for about 10 years, but started talking to again.  She has always been a very open accepting person so I felt I could trust her with my secret.  She was also accepting and very supportive.  We have talked openly about my gender identity issues.  She is the one who convinced me to start writing.  At first I only wrote on Live Journal for her to see.  I did not share with anyone else.  I was too scared.  But over the past few months, I have gotten a little more comfortable with myself and decided to write this blog.  She has given me the strength to share my story as it happens.  I know I am not alone in my desires to become a woman.  So I want to add my voice.  I also want other people to know that they are not alone.  I owe so much to her.  Without her I would either be lost or worse have ended things because of fear.

The third was another female friend from High School.  The second friend actually told her about me per my request.  I was surprised she also accepted me.  She said she didn't care if I wanted to be woman or paint myself green.  She loves me no matter what.

The fourth was a friend of the second.  This person is going through a similar situation just the opposite gender.  He is actually going through the whole process.  He recently just had chest surgery.  I am so amazed at his strength to follow through.  It give me hope.  He is very supportive of me and willing to help me cope with myself and answer any questions I may have dealing with society and family.  I am honored to have connected with him.

The fifth person is the most recent.  I opened up to him in the past couple of days.  He was a friend I had when I worked in the theatre business.  I have always looked up to him and respected him.  He was my saving grace when we worked together as I was so far from home and he made me feel like family.  I am so happy to have his support and acceptance.

With each person I open up to, I just want to cry.  Not for sadness, but happiness that I have such accepting, loving and supportive friends.  I feel so lucky to have them in my life.  I am so blessed.

Role Reversals

I have a very interesting marriage.  I am a very feminine man who wants to be a woman and my wife is very much a tom-boy.  I take care of the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and cooking.  My wife just handles the baking if any needs to be done and handles our budget forecasting.  Every morning I get up first because it takes me about an hour to get ready and then I get her up (which only takes 15 mins for her to get ready).  I make the lunches for the day and shuffle the cars in the driveway so her car is out front and facing out.  We talk to each other on our respective drives to work.  Within the course of our daily talk, she tells me what needs to get done, what items I need to pick up on my way home and asks me what's for dinner.

I love going shopping, I love fashion, keeping the house clean, chatting with friends, etc.  She likes staying home, sitting on the couch & watching T.V.   Sometimes I expect to hear her ask me for her slippers and a beer.  We joke a lot that I am the perfect house wife.  Our roles are very much reversed.  She boasts how she is the bread winner in the marriage and she complains how bad her day was without too much of a care how bad mine was.  She gets mad at me if I forget to wash the dishes, run a load of laundry with her favorite sweatshirt, fill up her car with gas, or plan the night's meal.

I like things tidy and in their place, she just throws stuff on the floor or leaves stuff laying around without picking them up.  She even is proud when as she's taking off her underwear that she can kick them up with her foot and catch them in her hand.  I use multiple hair products, paint my toe nails, use facial scrubs, etc.  She only uses shampoo and conditioner and put's her hair in a ponytail.  I wear dress pants, heeled boots, colorful shirts and colorful socks.  She wears jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, sneakers, and tube socks.

I love skirts and frilly things, she loves pants and such.

She is very much the man in the marriage and I am very much the woman. 

Issues Reading People

Lately I've been having major issues reading people.  Usually I'm pretty good at it, but not right now.  For some reason I just over read and rerun in my head until I think I did something wrong or crossed a line.  I know that 99% of the time it's not me.  I did nothing wrong.  I'm reading something that isn't there.  Why has my self esteem sunk so low that I'm worried I did something wrong. 

As I write, I would think my self esteem would be rising.  As a dear friend helps me cope with my gender identity issues and love & respects me, my self esteem should be rising.  But I just go in my head and twist things around until my self esteem drops and I worry about loosing friends or upsetting people.  Why???

Touchy Feely

You know how girls can be very touchy feely??  Why can't men be that way??  I mean, you see girls with their girlfriends holding hands or have a hand on the others leg or hugging each other.  Why does it feel creepy if a guy does that to a girl that is their friend??  Why can't men show that affection with no sexual intentions behind it??  I love holding hands and being kind of touchy feely.  Nothing sexual to it.  I just like the contact.  But I am so afraid that it would be perceived as an unwanted sexual advance.  I feel I need to keep away from contact.

Just recently my wife and I were going to dinner with friends.  I was in the back seat with my friend and her daughter while my wife was in the front seat with my friend's husband.  For some reason I felt I need to hug the door and not make contact.  Why???  She is a very close friend who knows all my secrets.  She is a sister to me.

Why did I feel like I couldn't touch her???  Would it have been so wrong to make contact???  I would love to be able to hold her hand or to hug her without feeling awkward.  Why do I feel this way??  Is it society telling me it is wrong for a male friend and a female friend to touch??

I wish I had an answer.

I can't help it,  I feel like I need to make contact with someone.   But it's not just everyone.  Maybe I'm drawn to their energy.  I don't know.  But resisting the touch is like trying to pull apart magnets.  It's weird.  Hard to explain.

GRS Tech Questions

I have been thinking lately, technology has advanced leaps and bounds in the last 50+ years.  Especially in medicine and surgical procedures.  We have cloned sheep, grafted ears on arms, and stem cell research will help advance us more.  We can transplant hearts, livers, kidney's and recently faces.  Why can't we transplant sex organs??? 

Say there is a man who wants to be a woman and a woman that wants to be a man.  Their blood types are a match.  Why can't we transplant their sexual organs into each other??  Wouldn't their bodies with the new organs start producing the hormones need to sustain the organs?  And with the recent development of being able to switch off SOX9 in female mice to change their gender to male and the soon to be developed opposite for male mice to change their gender to female, wouldn't that assist too??? 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if this were all possible??  No longer would we just look like the gender we want, but be able to fully function as that gender.  Maybe it will happen.  Hopefully in my lifetime before I am too old.

Dreams of Being Other People

So I vaguely remember my dream last night.  A group of friends are heading out on a road trip this weekend.  I dreamt I was one of the girls that was going.  She is the youngest of the group and really cute.  I'm almost always jealous of her outfits.  In the dream I was her packing for the trip.  Unfortunately I don't remember the rest of the dream.  I wish I did.

This brings up something interesting.  As I have said in past posts, I have been dreaming more and more of that I am a woman.  I hardly ever dream that I'm a man anymore.  But what's interesting is which woman I am.  I have had many dreams where I am either my friend or her sister, now I'm had a dream of being another friend.  I wish I knew what it meant.  Why am I dreaming of being these women instead of being my own woman?  For one female friend, I like to think the reason I have become her in my dreams is because I respect her so much.  She is the one who convinced me to start writing.  She is the one who is encouraging me to be myself.  She accepts me for who I am.  She is an amazing person and an amazing mother.  She is the type of woman I would want to be if I were a woman.  So maybe that is why I become her in my dreams. 

Becoming her sister is maybe a way to show how close I want to be with her.  I want to be considered her sister in real life instead of her non biological brother.  So my dreams could have manifested that.  As for becoming the other friend.... that was a first.  No idea.   Oh well....

Quitting

For the past few months I have been attempting to quit smoking.  Thanks to Step 1 of the patch, I had some really weird vivid dreams.  After going to Step 2 of the patch, the dreams were not as vivid and not easy to remember.  Four days ago I ran out of patches and haven't had the time to go to Target to pick up more.  This has an upside and a downside.  The downside is I have started smoking again.  Only about 4 - 6 a day, which isn't back up to the pack I was smoking.  The upside is this weekend I'm going to restart the patch system, so back up to Step 1 I go.  I look forward to having the weird vivid dreams again. 

I also look forward to hopefully being done with smoking.  I have been a smoker for 15 years and have tried to quit about 4 times.  The last time I quit it was for over a year.  Unfortunately the job I was at got very stressful and I started smoking again.  Now that I have been at a new job for over a year, I think it's time to quit again.  I hope I make this time.  :)

Warm Weather

As I look forward to the warmer weather, I am also dreading it.  When it is cold, I have my toes painted and I wear a bra under my shirts.  Because it's cold out I wear close toed shoes so you can't see my toes and I wear a fleece jacket, so it hides the fact that I'm wearing a bra.  Now that it's turning warmer out, it's too warm to wear the fleece jacket so no more bras.  Since I wear dress shirts to work, without the fleece it is easy to see the bra strap lines through the shirt and I do look like I have breasts, which would get me odd stares from people. 

I wish I had the courage to just come out to everyone, go through the therapy and go through the change so I no longer had to hide who I was.  I'd love to be able to wear a shelf bra'd tank top with a nice skirt and wedge sandals now that it is warmer.  But I'm stuck with the boring men's clothes that society has deemed acceptable to wear due to my outer appearance.  Maybe some day.......

Sunday Ad Flyers

I've been getting a little depressed lately whenever the I look through the Sunday Ad Flyers.  I see all these great woman's fashions that I can't wear.  There are many styles that can not pass for a man to wear, no matter what.  That is so upsetting.  Men's clothes are so boring.  Men used to be able to wear skirts and heels without ridicule.  It is so hard wanting to be a woman, feeling like a woman on the inside, but having to look like a man on the outside.  I want to wear the flowery skirt.  I want to wear the wedge sandals.

More Dreams

On March 19th....

I understand that dreams reflect one's inner self, sometimes one's wants and desires.  But somethings are just getting over powering.  Last night I had another dream where I became a woman.  Since I'm writing so late in the day, the details are fading.  But I remember my desire to be a woman and to be considered a friend's sister.  Then in my dream I was her sister.  Instead of just becoming a woman and being referred to as like a sister, I actually became her sister.  That's all I really remember.  The rest of the dream is a blur.  I need to remember to write in the morning.  :)

Sunday Night's Dream

On March 18th....

Sunday night I was sick.  Still sick, but while I tried to sleep last night, I had body aches and I had a fever. Somehow those worked their way into my dreams.

I dreamt that two of my female friends and I were shopping in an antique store.  We stumble upon this odd looking fairy candle stick holder.  There was some weird writing on the base, that did not look familiar. Knowing that I loved fairies, they both convinced me to get it.  The store owner smiled as he sold it to me, but warned me to be careful when I used it.  It had the power to make my dreams come true.  We all laughed and went home.

That night I couldn't help think of what the store owner said.  So to test it out, I put a candle in the holder and lit it.  As I watched the flame dance I made the wish that I have wished for over 20 years.  I wished I could become a beautiful woman.  I sat their watching the flame flicker, but nothing happened.  I blew out the candle and went to sleep.  As I slept, I could feel my body changing.  My body ached and my body was getting real hot.  I tossed and turned.  I was in agony.  Then my fever broke and the aches subsided.  I awoke.  I looked down to see breasts on my chest.  I reached between my legs to no longer feeling a penis, but instead found warm moist folds of a vagina.  I was a woman.   I walked over to a mirror and as I was about to look upon my new body, I woke up.

Still sick.  Damn.

Same Dream Different Surroundings

On March 18th I had a similar dream but it had different surroundings....

Saturday night, I had the car accident dream again.  The one where my body is so mangled that my only chance of survival is a brain transplant into a woman's body.  But this time, my wife was not there and I wasn't rushed to a normal hospital.  Instead at the scene of the accident, I was loaded into what looked like an ambulance, but we did not go to a hospital.  Instead I was brought to some underground installation.  A doctor came in and told me I was the perfect candidate for a new experiment and that I had no choice but to participate.  The doctor told me they were going to put my brain into a body of a woman's who was brain dead.  I don't remember anymore of the dream.

Weird Dream

On March 12th I had another weird dream....

I dreamt that my wife and I went over to Liz's to roll one night.  She said she had gotten some new stuff that would change our lives.  She said it's like a candy flip but more real feeling.  Since I'm always willing to try something new and really needed to let go, I was all for it and my wife & Liz's husband were amazingly easy to convince.  We each popped our pills and then sat and waited for the effects to kick in.

After about 45 minutes, things started to get interesting.  As normal, we all started feeling tingly and had eye flutters.  Then we started seeing stuff, like the invisible bugs that Liz's dog tries to eat.  After about 15 minutes, we started getting all touchy feely and started talking very openly.  I had opened up more about wanting to be a woman and how I wish I could be experiencing this as a woman.  Jen mentioned that if I get to be a woman then she gets to be a man.  Then Liz joked that her husband Joe couldn't survive as a woman and he poked back that Liz that she couldn't handle being a guy.  As we all went back and forth, still all touchy feely, the room started to spin and we all were getting light headed and our vision was blurring.

We started feeling very funny.  We thought we were getting sick, but boy were we wrong.  We then noticed that each of us were starting to change.  Joe's and my hair were getting longer and our faces were getting smoother.  Both my wife's and Liz's hair got shorter and their voices were getting deeper.  We were starting to really freak out.  Joe & I were changing into girls and Liz & my wife were turning into guys.  After about 20 minutes the transformations were complete and we were still feeling the candy flipping effects.  So not only were we now opposite sexes we were still rolling and tripping.  This was leading into an interesting night.

Joe couldn't keep his hands off his new body.   He just stood in front of a mirror touching himself.  Liz was having fun peeing while standing up.  My wife loved feeling so strong.  Me, well I was in heaven.  This is what I've always wanted.  My female body was luckily about Liz's old body size, so I went up and raided her closet.  Finally being able to wear clothes that were designed for my new body.  It was interesting how all of us changed.  It wasn't like we turned into the opposite sex of ourselves, ie I didn't look the the genetic female of myself.  We all looked like new people, but we each had perfect fit bodies.  Which then posed another interesting situation: since the drug we were on had similar effects to E, we were all super horny, no matter what body we had.  Also our inhibitions were almost none existent.  We all decided to go skinny dip in the hot tub together so we could admire and explore our new bodies.  We had a difficult time telling who used to who since we were so high, but we didn't care.  It became an orgy in the hot tub.  Everyone was touching and kissing each other.  It didn't matter if it was Joe kissing Liz or Joe kissing me or Liz kissing my wife.  Gender didn't matter.  Guy on guy or girl on girl or girl on guy.  Everything thing was allowed.  Both Liz and my wife in their new bodies were each giving Joe and I lessons on giving head.  As we got hotter, we moved our escapades inside to the bed room.  We each took turns sleeping with each other.  At some point we all finally passed out.

When we woke in the morning we were all shocked to find out we were still in our new bodies.  Panicking Liz called the guy she got the stuff from.  He said "oh, did I forget to mention be careful what you wish for when you are on this stuff and never have sex or any changes that had occurred would be permanent.  Liz let out a loud "FUCK".  There was no reversing this.  We were stuck.  The plus side is reality re aligned itself to as if we had always been in these bodies.  We did try doing the drug again to see if it would change us back, but it only gave us the normal drug effects, no body changing, wish granting.  I guess we just have to get used to our new reality.

A month after the change, both Joe and I discovered we were pregnant.  At that point I woke up.

This is the first dream I've actually been able to remember in detail since I changed to step 2 on the patch.  This is also the second dream I've had about becoming pregnant.  Interesting.

That Time Again

It's that time of the month again.  My wife is due to start her period, which means my hormones are going out of whack.  I'm starting to get more emotional (like I wasn't bad enough) and my female urges get stronger.  I'm kind of sad that I'm no longer on Step 1 of the patch, because I always had the best dreams during this time.  Some so real that I thought I was a woman.  But this time just the normal strong urges. 

For example I wore heals on my way into work today.  Women's shoes are so much more comfortable than men's.  And I'm getting some sexual urges too this time around.  I hate to say it, but I have penis on the brain.  Not to be confused with my brain being in my penis.  All I can think about is having sex with a guy and especially going down on a guy.  I close my eyes and all I visualize is kneeling down in front of a guy, grabbing his penis and putting in my mouth.  Just typing this, I'm getting turned on.  These urges haven't been this strong before.  Normally it is a quick thought and then it's gone.  Today, it's all I can think about.  Maybe it wouldn't be so strong if I had ever done it before, or maybe it would be stronger.  I don't know.  Right now I wish I could just find a guy that I know that would let me try it on him.  Just once.  I think I need a cold shower now.

To See Myself

I would love to be able to see myself as a woman.  Not just dressing up as one.  I have gotten pretty good with photoshop and would love to paste my face on a woman's body and merge it in.  Unfortunately I don't have a good hi res picture of my face in different positions.  Maybe one of my friends would take some for me?  I just don't want my wife to know. ;)

Another Interesting Dream

 On February 22nd I had another interesting dream.....

So last nights dream was interesting and was based on a conversation that a friend and I had earlier this week.  However it did not play out as I had thought.  Background: My friend {call her Liz} and I were talking how we should get another friend (who is very inventive) {call him Cole} to invent a hormone shield for her and a sex change machine for me.

In the dream, we spoke with Cole about what we wanted him to try to invent.  He understood what Liz wanted and was shocked to my coming out to him, but said he would give it a shot.  It seemed like months had passed, then Cole invited Liz and I over to his house to unveil his inventions.  To our amazement, he invented nano bots that he would inject into our blood stream.  He said Liz's bots would create a force field that would protect her from other female's hormones so her cycle would be normal.  Then he said that my bots would slowly change my genes from male to female and that he programmed them to change me into my ideal female body.  He mentioned that we would not notice the effects of the bots for about a month as that is how long it would take for the bots to spread to our whole bodies.  After the month, Liz's would turn on as she was nearing her normal cycle and turn off once her period was done.  Mine would permanently stay on to keep my new form. Now was the waiting period.

A month went by and both Liz and I were eagerly waiting for the effects to happen.  About a week after the month was up, Liz and I went to bed like our usually selves.  When we woke up, we were in for the surprise of our lives.  I woke up all disorientated.  I heard her daughter's voice.  In my head I'm like WTF, how did I get to Liz's?  Then her daughter jumped on the bed and was looking at me saying "Wake up Mommy".  OMG.  What happened?  I quickly ran to the bathroom.  I looked in the mirror and I saw Liz's face looking back at me.  How did this happen?  I heard a phone ringing and realized it was Liz's phone ringing.  I grabbed it and saw my cell number, I answered.  It was my voice I was hearing.  Liz was in my body.  This is totally weird.  As we panicly talked we came up with the only thing that could have caused this..... Cole's bots.  Liz (in my body) said she would come right over once she convinced my wife of what happened.  Thank god it was a Sunday.

I felt so weird in Liz's body.  I was afraid to touch or look at myself as I respected Liz and didn't want to seem like I'd taken advantage of the situation.  I found some clothes to put on and headed downstairs.  Luckily her husband got their daughter dressed and wasn't home.  Maybe he went bowling?  I was passing back and forth waiting for Liz and my wife to get here.  Crap, I had to pee.  This was going to be interesting.  I actually managed.  Not too bad for the first day in a woman's body.  Finally Liz and my wife showed up.  We had to call Cole and have him fix this.  We went over to his place together.  It was so weird seeing my body from another person's view.

As Cole opened the door, he had a shit eating grin on his face and started laughing.  He calmed us down and said he was sorry, but he couldn't resist playing this joke on us.  He continued to apologize.  Finally he said he would fix it to the way it was supposed to work.  All he had to do was shut down the bots and upload the right programming.  He mentioned that the program that was running would activate every month on Liz's cycle.  Swap our bodies and then return us to normal after the cycle.  He thought we would have fun.  Liz could enjoy not having a period since she'd be a guy and I could enjoy being a woman.  He thought it was perfect.  We did not agree.

Cole started the process of shutting down the bots and uploading the correct program, then he uttered what you never want to hear "Crap".  The bots were not responding.  He couldn't shut them down.  We were stuck with the program he originally put in.  Good news it only runs for about 5 days a month.  Bad news is we have to pretend we are each other for 5 days a month.  At least until he can figure out how to fix it.

We went back to Liz's house and her husband was home.  We all sat down to discuss the situation.  Since there was nothing we could really do about our situation until Cole found a solution, we decided to make the best of it.  Luckily the swap only happens at night so no worries about swapping at work.  Liz and I agreed that we each could explore our new bodies so we could get used to them.  Since we both trusted each other, neither of us were worried.  We spent the rest of the day going over our daily routines at work so we could pass as each other.  Thank god for messenger so we could keep in contact so we could answer each others questions.  Since my job was a little easier and Liz's was harder, we decided to let my sister know the situation so she could help out.  The question of sex was brought up by my wife.  She wanted to know how we were going to work that.  After a long discussion, we felt we might as well see what it's like on the other side.  So if the situation arose, we could act on it.  Before we knew it the day was over and we had to get to bed to be ready for what the next day brought.  Waking up the next morning was a little easier.  Not as much shock.  But I was so nervous about taking a shower.  I'm sure Liz was too with my body.  I went into the bathroom and turned on the water.  Might as well get this over with.  I slowly undressed.  I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my life.  At first my eyes were closed, but I slowly opened them.  It was so weird looking down at my body and seeing a woman's body.  I got into the shower and it felt so amazing.  I wondered how Liz felt showering in my body.  Just as I was about to wash myself.... my alarm went off.

Again the dream felt so real.  It seemed to last longer than others, but that maybe because I cheated and had a smoke last night so I had more nicotine in my system.  Well, it will be interesting to see what tonight will bring.  If I ever feel motivated I should take some of the more vivid dreams and turn them into short stories (changing the names of course).  I also look forward to someday re-reading these just to see what I can learn from them.  :)

Very Very Disturbing Dream

On February 20th I had a very disturbing dream......

So besides the weird dreams that involve packing, I did have a very disturbing second dream last night.  I dreamt that I had gotten so fed up with my penis and getting erections that I actually grabbed a knife and cut it off.  The dream felt scarily real.  It started with me waking up in the morning having an erection (ie morning wood).  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I hated it. 

So I walked downstairs and went into the kitchen.  I grabbed a knife and just sliced my penis off.  I could actually feel how much pain it caused.  In my dream I screamed out in pain and started to pass out from the blood loss.  Before completely passing out I made sure to disfigure my now dis-attached penis so it could not be re-attached.  I heard my wife running down the stairs and as she reached the kitchen, she saw what I did.  Before she could scream, my alarm went off. 

I don't think I have ever had a dream this disturbing.  I would never actually do this to myself.  Maybe the more I open up about wanting to be a woman the more I destroy my self image as a man.  For 99% of my dreams I have been a woman, so maybe this was a way to put an end to the 1% when I'm either myself or a man.  I know I'm not ready to make the step to coming out and going through the gender change process, but this could also be a way of my mind preparing itself for if that day ever arrives.

I feel I am learning so much about myself right now with having the vivid dreams due to wearing the nicotine patch.  I almost don't want to ever step down to step 2 so I don't loose the dreams.  But I know soon I will have too.  :(

Self Esteem

Why can't I boost my self esteem?  Why am I always so hard on myself?  I can never believe someone when they praise me.  I have a hard time believing that I am loved.  If I send someone an email and they don't reply, I worry that I did something wrong and they no longer like me.  If I write something down in LJ and I don't see any comments I worry that I crossed a line or said something that changes the way I'm perceived and the one and only person that reads this no longer wants to talk to me.  When did this happen to me?  When did I start getting so hard on myself?  Why can't I accept instead of suspect?  I am so paranoid that I will do or say something that will cause me to loose people.  My wife thinks I have a fear of abandonment.  I just don't know.

Self Image

So last night a very close friend of mine (who knows about my desire to become a woman) told another friend (with my permission) about me.  I was so worried, but to my amazement she was fine with it.  She is all accepting of me. 

This got me wondering.  When did I start doubting my friendships?  Why did I worry that they would reject me for wanting to be me?  I started analyzing myself and realized that I have a twisted self image.  I don't mean the one that's changing into the female self image, but the image I think people perceive.   I have always been reluctant in hugging and touching other people.  I have discovered that the self image of myself is one of the shy, quiet, creepy guy.  I am afraid that people find me creepy and don't want to be touched by me.  I'm afraid they will perceive something as unwanted sexual advance, but it's not. 

I don't know when this started, but looking back, it has been there for a long time.  Maybe it stems from my inner questioning of sexuality that has made me socially awkward.  I know I have an issue talking with people because I used to get picked on by bullies who told me everything I said was stupid.  This made me a quiet person.  I even have a slight stutter at times.  I know my fear of speaking in front of any size group was caused by two bullies in middle school that picked on me because I sang and acted in a play.  But at what point did I start think I creep-ed people out?  Did I do something or touch someone that made them feel awkward? 

I vaguely remember a night that a female friend of mine and I slept at male friend's house in High School and I may have had wandering hands due to curiosity.  But is that a real memory or a false one?  Did I try to emit a more sexual side toward girls that was unwanted due to my over compensating for the fact I was attracted to guys and wanted to be a girl?  I feel like I'm just being tolerated.  That no one really loves me.  I know that isn't true. Some of my friends tell me so.  Why can't I believe it?  Is it society causing these false self images? 

But there is something deeply rooted.  Need to break free of it.  I feel as though I have no self worth.  My boss criticized me for being to hard on myself.  Why can't I be happy with myself?  Why can't I love myself like others do?  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!   But I have hope.  I will break out of this.  I will love myself.  I will see myself as my friends see me.  I will believe in myself.  And I will hug with no hesitation. 

2 Weird Dreams

On the night of February 1st.....

1.  Dream #1:  I don't remember much of the dreams I had last night, but what I do remember is that I was girl (I'm catching a theme here) and was being chased and stalked by CSI:Miami's Heratio Cane's son.  I was traveling with guys from my office and no matter where we went this guy was there.  I felt like we were being chased.  It started out with him hitting on me, but I was getting a creepy vibe from him so I blew him off.  He got mad so me and the guys left.  No matter where I looked this guy was there.  There was a lot of running.  At the end of the dream we stopped at a restaurant.  At the table next to us was that guy, but there were 4 of them and two girls that looked like him.  WTF.  Turned out he was a sextuplet.  When they saw me, they started chasing me and then I woke up.  I hate dreams where I'm being chased.

2.  Dream #2:  This was a very weird one.  The dream centered around a nursing home that had a swimming pool.  All my family was there.  I was the female version of me (no surprise - it seems the more I open up about myself the more my self image becomes female).  I remember it being extremely hot and me not being able to find my bathing suit.  I vaguely remember a lot of weird situations but no details, just flashes with no context.  The end of the dream I remember me being at work.  I was told to put up two signs at a new listing.  They had to be these specific signs, but I had a hard time finding them.  I finally found them and then got lost trying to find the property.  I finally found it, placed the signs and I woke up.

Someone could probably have a field day analyzing my dreams.  I say I look forward to Step 2 of the patch so the vivid dreams stop, but also in a way I will miss them.  I don't often remember my dreams otherwise.

A 3 Dream Night

On January 31st, I had 3 interesting dreams:

1.  Dream #1:  I don't remember much detail of this dream.  It was a little weird (but which ones aren't lately).  Somehow I managed to change bodies with a female friend of mine.  She had stayed over on a Friday night since we had class Saturday morning together.  She slept in the big bed with my wife and I slept in the little room.  I did as a normally do and as I was drifting off to sleep, wished to be a woman.  Somehow someone or something heard my wish and granted it, but not how I expected.  I woke up in the big bed next to my wife, which seemed weird to me since I know I fell asleep in the little bed.  Thinking it was nothing that maybe my friend and I switched beds in the middle of the night and I just didn't remember.  So I got up all groggily and went into the bath room to start my morning routine.  Second weird thing is I had pajamas on, I don't sleep in pajamas unless I'm cold, so maybe I caught a chill in the middle of the night also and put on pajamas.  Again passing it off.  The real shock came to me as I was sitting to pee.  I dropped my pajama pants and reached down to adjust my penis and it wasn't there.  I was in utter shock.  Where did it go, what happened?  Did my wish come true?  I get up and go to the mirror to assess the situation.  I look in the mirror and to my shock and amazement I saw Hope's face looking back at me.  I couldn't believe it.  How had this happened?  Yes I wanted to be a woman, but I didn't want to steal another woman's body.  Staring in the mirror in disbelief I heard my voice scream from the little room.  I run in to see and there stood my male body in front of me.  Then I woke up because my wife came in the room and turned on the light to look for something.

2.  Dream #2:  Finally falling back to sleep at 2:30am, I started having my second dream.  This was not really like the last one.  It was similar to a TG story I had read about 4-5 months ago.  I was driving home from work one day and it was snowing real hard and visibility was almost zero.  Trying to take it slow and make it home safely, I was a little on edge.  I decided to cheat on my quitting smoking and have a cigarette.  Reaching down for the lighter, I didn't realize that the car in front of me spun out and hit the car next to them.  I swerved and tapped my brakes to miss the car in front of me.  Unfortunately the tractor trailer truck didn't see any of this and slammed into my car on the drivers side and caused my car to flip over a couple of times until it came to a stop in a ditch against a tree.  The next thing I knew I was in the hospital.  I couldn't move nor could I see.  I was terrified.  All I could do was listen.  At first it was just mumbles I heard with bits and pieces.  Broken limbs, broken back, amputation, concussion, blindness.  I lost consciousness.  When I came to I heard my wife's voice, she was talking with the doctor.  She was in tears.  The doctor said I would be bed bound for the rest of my life if I can make it through the next 48 hours.  But then I heard him make a weird suggestion.  He mentioned that he noticed that I had on a bra and woman's underwear and that my toe nails were painted.  My wife said that I liked to wear them because I had wanted to be a woman.  He started talking about a new experimental procedure that is being developed where they transplant one person's perfectly good brain into another person's brain dead body.  They have had good test results for success and would like to try this with me.  This would be the first published case.  He was making no guarantees, but if it worked like they thought it would and she consented, they would pay all medical bills and help with any legal paperwork plus give us a monthly payment of $10,000 with the right to come in regularly test me and to publicly use me to promote this new procedure.  The reason that he made the observation of my under clothing is because they had a body that matched my blood type and the body was in perfect condition except that the person was brain dead.   This body happened to belong to a 25 year old woman who had an aneurism while swimming.  My wife thought about it and decided she didn't want to loose me and didn't care what body I was in as long as it was me inside and we were together.  While they were going over the details, I lost consciousness again.  Next thing I remember is waking up, still not being able to see or move.  I heard my wife's voice again and she was talking to the doctor.  I heard him say that the surgery was so far a success, but would put me in an induced coma so the brain and body had time to heal and re-establish connections.  It should be about two weeks or so.  I was out again.  Seemed only like minutes, but I again heard my wife's voice.  She was calling my name and asking me to wake up.  I slowly came to and was able to open my eyes.  Everything was blurry at first but then began to come into focus.  I saw my wife's face with tears running down it.  Not sure if she was happy or sad.  Then I heard a nurse yell that I was awake and the doctor came in.  He picked up a pen light and was talking to me.  He asked me to follow the light and looked at the dilation in my eyes.  He went over what had happened and that it may take a few weeks of physical therapy to be able to walk and move again.  My brain and new body needed to learn to communicate with each other.  It may be a bit before I would also be able to talk for the same reason.  I could only answer questions by blinking.  Which everyone said was a good sign.  Over the next few days I started getting feeling in my body.  It felt weird, I felt lighter.  After the end of the first week, they finally were ready to get me out of bed to try to walk.  I was like a baby trying to walk.  I joked that I could finally say first day with a new pair of legs.  At least I was in high spirits.  It wasn't until the second day that I was able to stand on my own.  A little wobbly but I was standing.  I think the wobbly came from having a new center of balance.  I could tell that I was shorter and it didn't help now having breasts that changed my center of gravity.  By the fourth day I was walking on my own.  Now I could use the bathroom on my own.  This was also the first time being able to look in the mirror to see what I looked like.  Before now the doctors wanted me to focus on being able to move and walk and not focus on the physical changes.  My wife was there with me.  She's been there everyday with me.  The doctor convinced her work to give her a leave of absence so she could help in the rehabilitation.  She walked with me to the bathroom.  I faced the mirror with my eyes closed.  My wife turned on the light and I slowly opened my eyes.  I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.  A beautiful 25 year old woman looking back at me with light brown curly hair.  Hazel eyes.  Athletic body.  Only a few inches shorter than I was.  About a c cup.  Nice curves.  I was gorgeous.  I started crying.  My wife held me.  I didn't know if I was happy that my dream of being a woman has finally come true or if I was sad that who I was is gone.  After about twenty minutes of crying I finally sat down to pee.  It was very different.  My wife showed me how to wipe and when I was done I headed back into the bed.  After this I now had to start seeing a shrink to help me cope with my new body, new hormones, and new life.  They said that I could be in therapy for a year or so, just to make sure I'm transitioning okay.  The day finally came that I was ready to leave the hospital.  Then my first alarm went off.  Ugh. 

3.  Dream #3:  Because the last two dreams weren't weird enough, the third one was a dozy.  First off, like the last few, I was a woman instead of a man.  It was very jumbled up, but what I got out of it was that I was in some post apocalyptic world helping my family move some stuff.  There was a bad guy trying to kill us.  I had to defuse a bomb.  Then we were relaxing in someones living room and a dog came up to me and started humping my leg.  WTF.  Luckily my second alarm went off and I woke up.  That was weird.  Too weird to even remember the details.  Thank god.

Mind Over Body??

Is it possible to have Mind over Body?  Where if you want something so bad and wish for changes to occur, that over time your body will begin to adapt to your desires.  Since I was thirteen I have been wishing I was female and that some magical power could change me.  Since that time, I've developed a more curvy body.  As I have gotten older, before I gained weight, I had been told that I have had a very feminine shaped body.  I have noticed that my breasts have gotten bigger, not by much, but enough to be noticeable if you are looking.  I have also noticed a shrinkage in my penis when it is in the rest position.  Since I have been with my wife, I have developed sympathy cramps when she has had her period.  Since a friend and I have become closer as friends, I have started to become more emotional during her and my wife's periods.  But the emotional roller coaster as I call it has continued past their cycles.  I have become for sensitive.  I feel that my estrogen levels are higher than ever.  Now something new has developed.  My nipples have gotten super sensitive.  As of today, they started oozing a white milky substance.  If I were to guess it would be slight lactating.  I noticed wet spots on my shirt where my nipple is.  Only where my nipple is.  Is this sympathy lactating for a friend who just had a baby?  What is going on with me?  I swear sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and reach down for my penis to find it has been replaced with a vagina.  No complaints.  I welcome that day.  It's just weird.  I never really believed in Mind over Matter or Mind over Body.  But I'm really starting to believe it.  Maybe I am getting my wish and changing.  It's just changing me slowly.   Maybe....

Pardon My Stare

One of my biggest fears is being considered the creepy guy.  Not sure if anyone thinks of me that way, but I have that fear.  It stems from my desire to being a woman and people watching.  Since wanting to become a woman, I am fascinated with women and their fashions.  I can not help but to look at what women wear.  How they carry themselves.  And how they present themselves.  When I look at a woman the first thing I notice is what they are wearing.  Is it cute, is it not.  I wonder what it would feel like to wear that outfit.  I admire their shoes.  There are so many styles of shoes I wish I could wear, but they are not passable for a guy to be wearing.  For example, the shoes that a female friend was wearing on Saturday.  They were cute and looked super comfy.  I would love to wear a pair of shoes like that.  I was so tempted to ask her if I could try them on, since we wear the same size shoe.  But didn't.  I also couldn't help notice another female friend's shoes at a birthday party.  Those were amazing heels.  Very cute.  I just would have loved to try those on too.  And the dress she was wearing also looked very comfortable.

I wonder if the women I know, know how lucky they are to be women.  At least from my perspective.  I know there are ups and downs for being a woman, just like there are for guys too.  Fashion isn't the only thing I look at.  I also admire how they do their hair.  I wish my hair could look like that.  I do also look at their bodies, but not in a sexual way.  I will look at their breasts and wonder what it would feel like to have breasts.  Large or small.  What type of bra do they wear?  Do they wear one for comfort, support, style, etc?  I also look at their butts.  I admire the shape.  What does it feel like to have those curves?  I wonder what type of underwear they are wearing.  Thong, bikini, string bikini, none?  But it is all curiosity and kind of jealousy, not sexual.  I watch how they move and how they interact.

I hope I do not come across as creepy.  I just love to admire and learn from what I am seeing.  If I ever do become a woman, I want to be as passable as possible.  I watch my wife as she does stuff, but she is not that girly.  She is very much a tomboy and does not do things that most women do.  I would love to be able to watch a woman perform her daily tasks without worry that they think that I'm creepy and oogling them.  I doubt if they ever would.  I just can't help but watching, admiring, and wishing I was them.

Sexuality

As I become more comfortable with who I am, I can't help but wonder about other people.  I know there are many of us that feel we were born in the wrong body, but how does that affect their sexuality?  For example, I feel I was born in the wrong body.  I should have been female.  I desire to be female.  But I do not really consider myself gay per say.  I am attracted to some woman as I am attracted to men.  The attraction to men is stronger than my attraction to women, but I consider myself BI.  My first thoughts when I see a woman naked is not attraction or a sexual desire, it is wow, why can't I be a woman and have a body like that.  When I look a women, I admire their clothes before their body.  When I look at a man naked, my first thoughts are I wonder what it would be like to go down on him.  Do the ways I think about men and women make me more gay than bi?  Don't get me wrong, I do occasionally get aroused by women, but it's not in my mind the typical arousal, if there is such a thing.  If I fantasize about a woman, I am usually also a woman in the fantasies.  I feel that if I were a woman, I would most likely be truly bi.  When I watch any porn, I get more aroused by the man than the woman.  But I do look at a vast array of nude pictures of woman, but it is more to fantasize about being them then to want to have sex with them.  Last time my wife and I had sex it took a bit to get me hard.  I'm almost sure that if I was to be in a room with any other woman naked, I would have a hard time getting aroused also.  Part of my evidence is when a friend answered all my questions about women, a typical guy would probably get aroused hearing about her going commando or how it feels to have sex as a woman.  For me, nothing.  Another case is when she came over for me to take a picture of her bare back.  I'm sure any normal guy would get aroused of just the thought they may see more because she is a beautiful woman, but again for me nothing.  I really think the more and more I get comfortable with myself wanting to be a woman, the more and more I don't get aroused by women.

So now that I've explained me, onto the questions.

1.  Would I be considered more heterosexual with bi tendencies since my mindset is female?
2.  Would I be considered more homosexual with bi tendencies since my body is male?
3.  How do other people like me perceive their sexuality?
4.  Are woman more inclined to have bi experiences than men?

The closest I have come to being with a guy is making out with a few men and a glancing touch of one man's penis.  My wife has had sex with another woman before.  Since then I have wondered what it feels like for woman to be with another woman.  I know with kissing other men that their lips were definitely not as soft as a woman's.  Do women please other women since they are more familiar with the female body?  If I were to have a sexual experience with another man would it be more pleasurable since I am more familiar with the male body?  I guess I won't know unless I try.  The only issue is I don't know any bi or gay men.  And I'm not sure if I would be able to get the nerve.  I always thought the best way for me to be able to be with a man was when I was rolling.  But now that time has passed and I may just go through life never knowing.  Also for me, I would much rather have known the person for a while then to start a new relationship.  Secretly I had always hoped I would be with one of my best friend's from High School that way.  There were times that I thought I saw possible opportunities, but never acted as I didn't want to misinterpret and ruin our friendship.  One instance that stands out was a Halloween a few years ago.  He brought his daughter by for Trick or Treat and after his daughter got in the car we stood and talked for a few minutes.  He mentioned a few times to me that he had been tested and was clean of any STD's and was good to go to have sex.  This is the first time he had ever said it to me in that manner.  I know he's been tested before, but just the way he said it, made me think he wanted to have sex with me.  Maybe it was just my mind giving me hope.  I don't know.  I used to sleep over his house many times in High School in the same bed as him, but we never did anything.  If there is anything I regret is not making a move the last time we rolled together.  Oh well.

Oh another event.  Maybe it was just again my mind giving me hope, but he was the first one I told about my desires to be a woman.  He was all fine with it.  Then when I got a new mattress, he took the old one.  I helped him move it into his apartment and I mentioned I was going to miss that mattress.  He told me if I ever miss it, I was more than welcome to sleep over on it with him.  Hmmm.... maybe someday I can say I miss it and sleep over and find out.

Society & Nudity

Why does Western society deem that nudity is taboo?  Why are we convinced to believe that we should be ashamed of our bodies and be ashamed to be nude?  In today's world, one is considered perverted if they watch anything on TV that contains nudity.  One is a deviant if they subscribe to pornographic magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse.  One can even be arrested for indecency for walking around their house nude if someone (even if they are trespassing) see them naked through a window.  What is so wrong with the naked body?  Stores ban mothers for exposing their breast to breastfeed their baby.  Why?  What is so wrong with seeing someone nude?  What is so wrong with someone wanting to be nude?

We as a society needs to stop being such prudes and just get over it.  We are born naked, why can't we be naked?  I firmly believe if nudity was more acceptable, sexual assaults, rape, teen pregnancy, and other sex related incidents would drop.  I'm not saying they would go away, but if more people were accustomed to seeing someone nude, their would less desire to act on the taboo.  More "normal" people do something because they can't ("I know I'm not supposed to, it's just so tempting, I must") then they do when they can.  I believe more woman would be appreciated in society if they were seen less as sexual objects.  If people grew up seeing more people naked, they would be less ashamed of themselves and would have less deviant sexual thoughts.  Curiosity can stem many bad behaviors.  For example, if you never saw a girl nude before, curiosity could result in peeping/voyeurism.  Then you want to see more which could result in obsession.  Then you get in trouble for looking and it becomes taboo which turns into sexual fantasies, etc.  If more people were comfortable seeing others nude, there would be less issues.

As a guy, I was told by society that seeing someone naked was taboo.  You should never look upon a naked body.  That peeked my curiosity more.  I started fantasizing what a girl looked like naked.  Then testosterone took over (damn you) and made it a turn on if I saw a girl nude (whether it was in a magazine or on late night cable).  Luckily I was involved in theater which exposed me to seeing other people change.  The more I saw, the more comfortable I became and the less sexual it was to see a girl naked. When I was in college we did a production of Hair.  I was the stage manager so I was surrounded by nudity as the show called for it.  As rehearsals went on, we got to the nude scene.  To make everyone comfortable, we had a special rehearsal on a Sunday.  All the cast, the director, and myself locked ourselves in the theater and stripped down to nothing.  We just hung out in the theater in the nude with each other.  We were a bit apprehensive at first, but within minutes we were all comfortable walking around with each other being naked.  No one was obviously aroused by being around each other naked.  It was at this point that I realized that there is no big deal about nudity.  It did not change how any of us looked at each other.  It was like "Oh ok you're naked, no big deal"  It was the same feeling when I worked at an outdoor theatre.  There were a few times when we did "e" that we ended up either being naked at the beach or running naked at the theater.  Again everyone was comfortable and there were no issues.  No sexual abuse arose, nothing.  It was just a bunch of naked people hanging out together.  Was it interesting finally seeing certain people naked, of course, but it was more like "So that's what they look like nude, or so that's what her breasts look like, or oh so that's what his penis looks like".  There was no OMG she's / he's naked, I'm so turned on.  It was like any other day.  Instead of curiosity turning into something sexual, it just stayed curiosity.  Nothing sexual behind it.  No turn on.

So this then begs a question:  Should friends just let other friends see each other naked to just get the curiosity out of the way and move on?  Would anyone have issues with that?  How would spouses feel knowing that their spouses friends have seen their spouses nude?  I know that it is usually ok that girls see girls naked and sort of ok that guys see guys naked, but what about guys seeing girls naked and vice versa?  Nothing would be shock anymore.  Everyone would "hypothetically" be more comfortable with each other.  For instance, a friend of mine showing her tattoos off.  Biggest pet peeve is someone saying they have a tattoo, but you can't see it because it will expose more of their body.  Hello, I'm your friend.  I've known you for like 15+ years.  I'm not gonna drool over seeing you exposed.  I'm not gonna get all turned on and attack you.  I just want to see the f'n tattoo.  Calm down, we are friends.  Why should we be embarrassed to see our friends naked or have our friends see ourselves naked?  To me, big whoop, you're naked, okay, you're my friend, this changes nothing.  I'm not gonna look at you in a sexual way now.  Nothings changed.  Maybe this is what friends need.  Just see each other naked and that may help each other be more comfortable with themselves.  True friends won't make jokes, or run screaming, or look at you any different.  I think some of this tangent is spawned from when I took photos of a friend's back for her tattoo.  I think both of us were a little shy and hesitant of it.  She made sure to cover her front so I didn't see anything.  Also she was a little reluctant of pulling her pants down farther exposing her crack to see more of the butterfly tattoo.  I was a little shy and apprehensive too.  WTF.  We are friends.  Why did we have to feel that way?  Why did society brainwash us to feel that way?  We need to break free of the prudish society ways.  If we don't we will continue to be ashamed of ourselves and hate our thoughts and feel bad about our self image.

New Changes in Me

As I have been opening up about me wanting to be female, I have noticed some changes in me.  First of all I no longer hate myself.  I don't feel guilty for my feelings.  I am more accepting of who I am.  I'm a little more comfortable with who I am.  I'm not used to feeling this way about my self.  Not as much shame in me.  This of course is thanks to Hope.  Having someone to open up my soul to is an amazing feeling.  I don't feel weighed down by the chains of society when I talk to her.  I feel like I can talk to her about anything without judgement just love and acceptance.

Another change I've noticed is my dreams.  Before every now and then I would have a dream about being a woman, but it wasn't often.  The more I open up the more I'm a woman in my dreams.  Is my self image changing?  Am I no longer ashamed of who I am so my subconscious is more accepting of me perception of myself as a woman?

One interesting thing I've noticed is sometimes when I glance by a mirror I see a quick glimpse of me being a woman.  Is that also my self image changing causing my mind to play tricks on me?

I'm starting to believe in mind over matter.  It seems the more and more I want to be a woman the smaller a certain part of me gets when it's in the rest state.  Maybe in a few years it will be gone, who knows.  Or I'm just imagining it.

Another change just arose yesterday.  I'm going to be taking photos of a friends bare back for a tattoo design.  A typical guy would be like "woo hoo, I might get to see more of her" and be aroused.  I'm just like ok, taking photo for a friend.  No big whoop.  No arousal what so ever.  No tingling, nothing.  I guess I've become more like a woman that is not attracted to woman.  I bet anything if it was a guy friend, I'd be aroused.  WTF.  Sometimes I wish I were normal, but there is no normal so I don't know.

Am I loosing myself or finding myself?  Part of me is scared because I don't know what else will change.  I'm afraid that with loosing my sexuality towards women, I won't be able to please my wife anymore.  Parts of me are happy that I'm mentally becoming more and more female.  But there are parts of me that liked looking at a woman's body and being aroused.  But more and more, nothing.  I should be all tingly when reading some of a friend's responses to my questions about women but again nothing.  At least non of my friends husbands have anything to worry about with me hanging out with their wives.  Nothing would happen cuz I don't feel or think about them anymore in a sexual manner.  I just want to hang out, talk, and be one of the girls.  And that's what I'm becoming.  I want to learn what I can about being a girl.  Maybe my mind and body are prepping themselves.  Maybe someday I will go through the change.  I still have those societal fears of acceptance and rejection.  I still love my wife with all my heart.  I never want to loose her.  I want to always be attracted to her.  I don't want to loose that.  Please I can't loose that.  Ugh.

Theories On My Gender Issues

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Here are a few of my theories:

1. Chemical: My estrogen levels are higher than they are supposed to be in a man and my testosterone levels are lower.

2. Nurture: I grew up with my Dad always working so I spent a lot of time with my mom. My aunt and sister used to dress me up in girls clothes. My great grandmother used to babysit me when I was little. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. My closest friends in school were all girls. So being around and growing up with a strong female presence has imprinted on my and this is why I relate more to woman and want to be one.

3. Nature: Maybe I have an extra chromosome? Instead of being the normal XY, I have XXY or XYX or XXy or XyX. This would partly explain why I have been told I have some feminine features. Wider hips, rounder butt, more shapely legs, small feet, smaller arms.....

4. Reincarnation: Maybe I had been a woman in one or all of my past lives. For some reason the last time my soul wanted to try being a man for a change. If so, boy were they wrong to try. Another is my parents had a daughter that did not live past 4 days. Maybe her soul was destined to be with my parents and it came back, but nature put it in a male body. So I have a male body but a female soul?

5. Science: There is talk that every decision creates an alternate universe and one can sense it. Kind of like Deja Vu. Maybe in many of the alternate universes I was born female and this is the only instance I was born male.

The Hard Truth About Me

The signs have been there for years, but I have come to terms with who I am. I am a woman trapped in a man's body. Not plain, not simple. I am in a constant struggle with my identity. It tears me up inside. To me there is no worse feeling than not having one's outward appearance match their internal feelings. As time goes by it gets harder and harder for me. I hate being male. Do you know how hard it is to look at yourself and hate what you see? And seeing it everyday. Why did nature do this to me? Why did God make me this way? Was I reincarnated from a woman who wanted to try being a man? Why can't I have been born female? Why do I feel ashamed for feeling this way? Why can't I just accept who I am and not care what people think?

The older I get the more urges to be a woman I have. Knowing that I can't be a real woman has me wondering if I could ever go through the surgery to look like a woman. How would my family react? Would I be able to keep my job? Would I loose any friends? I again just hate being a man. I try to hide my urges, but it is difficult sometime. I want to scream it to the world, instead I do little hidden things just to try to calm some of the urges. First thing I did to accept and please the urges were to shave my arm pits. No one either noticed or said anything. That was the first step. Then I started shaving my legs, I told people I lost a bet, but really it felt more natural for them being smooth without hair. Winter was no problem because I was wearing pants and no one could see that they were shaved. Then I started wearing woman's jeans. I was skinny enough and when people asked I told them I just like flare jeans and they don't make them for men. I was getting pretty good at covering (at least in my mind). After the jeans I started to want to wear more women's clothes. I started to wear women's underwear: bikini briefs and thongs. The only issue I was starting to have was the bulge. Ugh. That damn penis. I hate it. Searching the Internet I found 1 solution, a gaff. But that was underwear to wear under underwear to hide the bulge. That wasn't gonna work. Then I found a site about taping. I could tape my penis in with surgical tape. That not only hid the bulge but gave me slit that sort of looked like a vagina. Only issue with this was untaping to pee and taking the tape off at night makes the skin raw. So I couldn't do it every day. I found a website that sells latex prosthetic vagina's, but I can't afford to spend $300 yet. Someday though I just might.

So now with the lower part of my body taken care of, it was time to focus on the top. I wanted breasts. First I started shaving my chest and stomach. That gave me a smooth feeling up top. When I removed my nipple ring, that gave me an excuse to wear a bra due to the rubbing on any fabric made my nibble hurt. Now at least in the winter when I wear a fleece I can wear a bra without anyone really noticing. Most women I've dated have complained about wearing bras, but I like wearing them. Maybe because it makes me feel more like a woman. For a short period of time I was also taking stuff I ordered online that was to promote breast growth in men. The combination of the stuff I was taking and wearing a bra (which redistributed the fat in my breasts) I grew a whole cup size. Enough for me to notice but not enough for people to think I really had breasts. I wear a bra now almost every day. I also really wanted long hair. I wasn't sure how any employer would accept me with having long hair so I figured I would grow it for a few years and donate it. It seemed to be the only way this would be acceptable. The added bonus is I would be helping someone out when I did cut and donate it. I have already grown and donated my hair once and now I'm doing it again. At least I will get about 5 years with long hair.

As for other women's clothes, I have found ways to wear them. In the winter I wear nylons and tights under my pants. Not only do I feel more feminine, it keeps my legs warm. I have given up on men's socks and only own women's socks now. They are so much more comfortable. Slowly I have started wearing women's shoes. I started out with sneakers as they look unisex but now I have a couple of pairs of women's boots that one pair even has a slight heel. I wish I could wear more heels and other women's shoes. Sometimes on my way into work, I will wear the 1 pair of real heels while I drive and change before I get out of the car. I would love to wear flats and wedges and taller heels. Even to try them on would be nice. I also love to wear skirts. That seems to be the last bit of clothing that makes me feel feminine. My wife doesn't mind so many nights I come home and change into a skirt. After it gets dark out, I will even go outside and have a cigarette while still wearing the skirt. Since no one can really see me. I bought a kilt just so I can wear a skirt out in public on special events so I don't get weird looks. I wish I could have the nerve to wear it more often.

I started painting my toe nails. It helps me feel more feminine. I wish I could paint my other nails. I keep them long because I like the feminine look they give my hands. I have also started shaving my arms. I used to do it every now and then to keep the hair on my arms from looking manly, but now after a severe rash that killed some hair follicles on my are leaving patches of no hair, I shave them all the time. More and more I step closer to make myself more feminine on the outside like I am on the inside.

I have been questioning more and more of my sexuality. I find that I am more turned on by men than I am of women. When I look and sometimes stare at a women, there is little to no sexual attraction. Instead I fantasize about what it would be like to be her. I may stare at her butt and wish my butt looked like her's. I may stare down their blouse to see their breasts but it is only because I'm jealous and wish I had real breasts. If I glance at a woman's crotch, I'm only wondering what it feels like to not have anything hanging between my legs. I hope I don't make anyone uncomfortable when I look/stare at them. I told a friend that I should get a sign made that says "I apologize for staring. I wish I were a woman. By the way, cute outfit." I am addicted to looking at pictures of women because I try to visualize myself as them. I have a ton on my phone and will sometimes put them on a slide show while I'm driving. Sometimes when I'm alone at work, I will take some of those photos and paste in my face to see what I may look like with their body. Unfortunately I don't really have a high quality photo of myself to use. As for porn, when I watch it I fantasize that I am the woman being please by the man. I would love, just once to go down on a guy. I wish I could find a guy to let me do that. If I watch a porn or see a picture of a woman going down on a guy, all I can think of how much I wish it were me going down on him. I've kissed a few guys in the past, but that is as far as it has gone. I've seen many a man naked and just wish I could please them. I came very close once to going down on a guy while I was on "e", but then his girlfriend objected. I doubt I will ever truly find a guy who will let me be with them sexually.

Most of my friends growing up have been female. I really don't associate well with other men. One of my biggest desires is to be considered one of the girls. I wish I could go to girls night outs and spa days, etc. I wish I could go into the bathroom with another girl to take while they peed. It again is really hard for me to be a man. I have had many a dream where I am a woman. I get so sad when I wake up to find that I'm still a man. I want to be pregnant. I would love to have a baby grow inside me. I read TG fiction and one of my favorite types of stories is where a man gets into a bad accident and to save his life they transplant his brain into a woman's body. Sometimes I wish that could happen to me and the technology was there to make it a reality. There have been other times I wish that some accident would happen resulting in my penis being amputated off and then I could just get the doctors to create a vagina for me. Since I don't think I could deal with the social stress of becoming a full transgendered woman, sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for me to keep my male outward appearance but get the gender reassignment surgery to get a vagina. This would take me closer to being a woman but what people see would still be male. Unfortunately I don't think that is an option. It is so stressful hating a part of my body. Some people say men are lucky to have penises and they can pee while they stand. I hate having a penis, even more so when it gets hard. I get disgusted with myself every time I get an erection. Why couldn't I have been born female?

I wish every night since I was thirteen that some magical force would make me female. That is 20 years of wishing. Every birthday I wish almost every hour.

It feels good to get this all out and written out. I've told some people bits of this, but never this detailed. Never this much of what is going on in my head. I would love to speak more openly about this. I'm just to shy about this.