Anything Other Than Straight (Link)

http://www.danoah.com/2012/11/anything-other-than-straight.html

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

New Clothes

So this past weekend I really needed new jeans, so my wife and I went to Old Navy and I actually found some cute jeans that fit perfectly.  These are the ones I got:

After I got them and of course worn them the rest of the weekend, I thought I really need some new tops.  Cute tops.  So I went online to Old Navy and looked through their shirts.  These are what I ordered and plus some purple tights (everyone needs purple tights ;P):

It all arrived yesterday afternoon.  I could not wait to get home and try on the clothes.  Of course there were two accidents on my way home that delayed me getting home.  But I finally got home and immediately went into the bedroom to try on my new clothes.  Everything fit great and looked great.  My favorites are the plaid shirts.  They are so comfy.  Took me a bit to get them on.... I got to get used to buttons being on the other side of the shirt.  

I decided to be daring and I am wearing the red and white plaid shirt with my new jeans to work. I think today is the first day I have worn all female clothes and not a stitch of male clothing to work.  They are not overly feminine so I don't have to worry about getting weird looks from the guys I work with.  I am just so excited that I am slowly building my new wardrobe.  I can not wait until I have more girl clothes than guy clothes.

Transition Update

It took me a bit to get up the nerve, but I called and scheduled a consult appointment to start on hormones.  My appointment is January 4th.  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  My wife is going to come with me for support.  Yay!!!

Mixed Emotions

I know it is has been awhile since I have written and I'm not writing as often as I was.  Life has been very crazy.  And until recently things were getting kind of stagnant.  Up until this weekend things were going very slow in regards to my transition.  Besides the Halloween party where I was out to everyone at the party and got to be the "Queen of Hearts", not much progress was happening with my transition.  I hadn't been practicing makeup or going out anywhere dressed.  I'd still put on a skirt at home, but that was it.  Just had been too tired to put in the effort with craziness at work and too much to do around the house.  But things are going to start picking up again soon with my transition.  Unfortunately it is due to some bad news my wife and I received on Saturday.

My wife had her annual OBGYN appointment Saturday morning.  Before her annual she had an ultrasound.  Last year her OBGYN had found a Fibroid.  At the time it was nothing to worry about, just something to monitor.  In February, my wife had a follow up ultrasound and they saw the Fibroid had grown.  Not by much but a little.  Again no huge concern, just monitor it and we were told that depending on if it grows more it could impact her getting pregnant if we decided to have kids.  Still at that time she hadn't changed her mind so it was no real concern.  This past Saturday they discovered that her Fibroid has grown a lot (it is almost 10 centimeters) and that she now has other Fibroids.... so instead of one large one, she has one large one and a bunch of little ones.  Due to the size of the large one it will definitely impact her chances of getting pregnant.  If she doesn't have it removed, the chances are slim that she could get pregnant and if by miracle she does, it is highly unlikely that she could carry to term.  Now if she has it removed via surgery, depending on how deep it is, there could be a void left that would also impair her ability to get pregnant or carry to term.  So if she did get pregnant, she has a high chance of miscarrying.  This means we may never be able to have a baby.  It is too risky at this time to even try.  Neither of us could handle loosing a baby.  So we have decided that nature doesn't want us to have kids at the moment.

With that news, it also means that I don't have to wait as long to transition and start hormones.  So instead of waiting another year, I can start in the beginning of next year (if I can find an Endocrinologist).  We are thinking of having some of my sperm frozen, just in case we can have kids.

I am very sad that at this time we just can't have kids, but also happy that I can start hormones much sooner.  I am very conflicted emotionally.  And to put it on the record, I don't blame my wife or hate her or feel any differently towards her.  I love her no matter what.  It is not her fault that nature decided we shouldn't have kids.  Maybe some day we still can.  Who knows maybe someday in the near future science could catch up and they could find a way that I could be the one who gets pregnant.  One never knows what the future holds.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.

Facebook Status

Below is a post from a good friend of mine… it was too well written not to share:

Recently, a friend implied that who he voted for in this election doesn’t matter, and if I want to see real change I should “get off the couch and start effecting the change you claim to want.” Because the politicians don’t matter, it’s all about the people. 
How dare you. How dare you sit there and tell me to get off my couch and effect the change I claim to want. How dare you even assume that I am not. The idea that any out and open gay man is not fighting for change is ridiculous, and show’s how little you know of me. 

Let’s first talk about the changes I want. I would like the same rights that you have as a straight man. Namely, I would like to be able to marry my husband, in whatever state I please. I would like the tax incentives that come from that. I would like to be on insurance together and not have to file it as “taxable income” I would like to be able to visit him in the hospital if he were sick and not fear that some bigot might not let me in as I am not a “relative.” I would like for our future children to be able to legally have us both as their father. I would like to not have to face having queer or faggot written on my door at work. I would like to not wake up every day, every day, and read in the news how some public figure has called people like me an abomination, or less then, or compared us to pedophiles, or that God hates me, or that I am the downfall of society. I would like to not read in the paper how all of this is too much for some of our teenagers to take and decide that life isn’t worth living and kill themselves. I would not like to have to fight every damn day of my life, solely for being who I am. None of these are things a straight white man have had to ever fight for or even think about. 

But I do. Every day. I fight. I have been at the NH State House for hearings on Marriage Equality. I have worked tirelessly on diversity panels, committees, and groups that have worked to educated fellow faculty, staff, and students at the universities I have worked at. I have served on regional committees that have presented conferences on GLBT rights throughout New England. I have spoken to lecture halls full of students that I don’t even know about what it’s like to “come out” and to be a gay man. I have counseled GLBT students and teenagers when they haven’t known what to do after their parents have kicked them out or someone has called them something unimaginable. I teach a class on perspective and gaining a world view, seeing more than your own life experiences. I have engaged perfect strangers on using terms such as “that’s so gay” or “faggott.” I have tried to educate my friends and family on the candidates and what they stand for and what would happen to me and my rights if certain ones are elected. I have come into the place where I worked to have Faggot spray painted across my door, and have kept going. I have gone to a job where students have spit in my face and called me a faggot, and have had to go back and have an “educational moment” with them. I have woken up on days where even I have become depressed about the amount of hate and anger their is towards people like me in the news, but I have kept going. So yes, I have fought, and I will continue to fight.

It’s true, politics are only one piece of the puzzle. By voting for Obama will everything magically change over night? No, of course not. However, by voting for Romney and Ryan, we are putting two people in charge of this country that support the belief that I am less than. That want to actively work to take away my rights and make me fight even harder. That will be an example to people in this country and around the world that it’s ok to treat gays or women as less, because the President doesn’t like gay people so why should we. 

This election is so much more than just economics, healthcare, immigration, or military spending for me. Those are all important issues, but my rights as a person, my freedom to live as who I am are so much more important than any of that. This election is about electing someone who can be an example for our country. To show that we need to treat everyone equally, like our fore-fathers stated. That no matter who I love, it’s ok and it doesn’t matter what you think your religion says about that, because it’s your religion, not mine. I want my President to be an example to our country, just as I want to be an example to my friends, family, students, and community. I want my President to fight for me and my rights, just like I am fighting for myself and my rights. 

No matter what though, I will continue to fight, because I have no choice. Living as an out gay man in this country you have to fight. There is no sitting on the couch and letting it happen. You fight every damned day whether you want to or not. That is why I am voting for Obama. That is why I hope that my friends, family, and those important to me are voting for Obama. That is why it hurts so damned much when people I love and respect share their support for Romney. Because it’s not just a vote for his small government or his military spending. It’s a vote that says your paycheck is more important than me as a person. It’s a vote that says I am less than you, and that we are not equal. It’s a vote that says I need to fight harder.