Referring to Myself

Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker on messenger (she is also one of my best friends).  As we were chatting, I was updating a marketing flyer.  One of the updates was adding a bullet point of 5 Docks.  I ended up typing 5 Dicks.  Thank goodness I noticed what I typed.  Otherwise that would have been bad.  So I told her what I typed, her response was "freud what?".  I joked saying I guess I know what I have on the brain.  She laughed.  Then I made the comment of I'm sure you don't hear that often coming from a guy.  That got me thinking.  Do I still refer to myself as a guy?  I mean I still look like a guy, but I think and feel like a girl.  For people that know me being a transgender woman, do I start referring to myself as a girl or should I remain referring to myself as a guy until I start looking more like a girl and dressing more as a girl?  My head hurt just thinking about it.  I'm not sure how to approach that.  When people on Tumblr, blogger, and Genderfest respond to me they all refer to me as a girl.  At what point do I start referring to myself as a girl with my friends?  Guess I have some thinking to do.

Support

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house.  She had a birthday present for me.  While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit.  During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning.  First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C".  "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are.  "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning.  My friend told her it was me.  "S" said that was great and that she had always figured.  Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls.  It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did.  "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents.  My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him.  After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive.  He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am.  That made me feel so happy.

Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me.  Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays.  Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party.  This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway.  I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.

Then my friend said she had an idea.  She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house.  Just really close friends.  And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl.  I thought that was a great idea.  She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform.  "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process.  I'm fine with "L" watching the process.  It would help me become more comfortable.  Not sure when we are going to do this.

I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting.  Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.

The Breakdown

I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown.  My birthday has always been very emotional for me.  This one was extra emotional.  This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away.  One would think over the years it would get easier.  But it hasn't.  It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away.  I had only known him for 4 years.  But I still miss him.  So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown.   I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards.  I have come so far in the past eight months.  And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were.  I'd just might die inside.  So I am going to push on.  I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right.  I feel naked without a bra.  My male underwear is very uncomfortable.  My feet hurt from my male shoes.  And I hate how loose men's pants are.  So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable.  So silly of me to think I could go back.  Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

Discrimination (Link)

A friend of mine’s friend was denied being bone marrow donor due to being gay. Discrimination needs to stop.

https://m.facebook.com/1347543534/timeline/story?ut=2&hash=-7037651820354336187&wstart=1343804400&wend=1346482799&ustart&_rdr


http://www.change.org/petitions/the-food-and-drug-administration-fda-of-the-united-states-remove-the-ban-against-msm-blood-and-marrow-donations?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition&utm_term=27098131

A Birthday Wish

I have been thinking a lot about my birthday tomorrow.  I usually wish for the same thing every year.  Which is unrealistic.  This year, I think my birthday wish will be different.  I just want the courage to be me.  To not be afraid of who I am.  To not care what others think of me.  I want the confidence to wear whatever I want.  The confidence to go out as my female true self.  I would love to be able to present as female without any hesitation or fear.  To be the woman I know I am.  At this point in my life it is a pretty hefty wish.  It seems as unrealistic as my usual birthday wish.  Maybe in a year or so my new wish can become a reality.

Hormones

Everyone has estrogen and testosterone in their systems.  Naturally men have higher testosterone levels and women have higher estrogen levels.  Women have an average testosterone level of 20 to 80 ng/dL, while men have an average testosterone level of  300 to 1,000 ng/dL.  Women have an average estrogen level of  50 to 400 pg/ml, while men have an average estrogen level of 13 to 54 pg/ml.  I have always felt that I had a lower testosterone level and a higher estrogen level than a normal male.  When I worked in theater as a techie, I was always active and being active can release more testosterone in the body.  Since leaving theater and having a desk job, I'm less active and thus less testosterone is being released.  But now that I have to exercise per my doctor, I have noticed after exercising and for the next day that I am more irritable.  I had an ah ha moment this morning about it.  For some reason I kept picking a fight with my wife.  No matter what she said, I had to argue.  I couldn't understand why.  Then I remembered I was exercising last night.  So I released more testosterone in my system.  Thus more irritable.  Unfortunately I need to keep exercising and actually exercise more.  I am 16 lbs over my doctor's ideal weight for me.  And I'm about 30lbs over what I want my weight to be.  I am going to have to figure out how to keep myself in check, so I stop picking fights with my wife and being argumentative.   

The Wait

There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for.  One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition.  When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy.  It was to carry on my family name.  As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded.  I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world.  I didn't think I would be a good father.  So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.

However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids.  It rekindled the desire to have kids.  At first my wife was still against having kids.  It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind.  My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid.  She had never been a part of a baby's life before.  A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby.  But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby.  I was so excited.  It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year.  I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year.  Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.

This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event.  And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later.  I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed.  Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that.  Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby.  My heart sank.  One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT.  I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me.  I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter.  But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT.  I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.

I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.

I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.

American Psychiatric Association Calls for Improved Access to Transition Related Care (Link)

http://www.hrc.org/blog/entry/american-psychiatric-association-calls-for-improved-access-to-transition-re/

Phone App Puts Friends and Safety a Tap Away (Link)

http://womensenews.org/story/women-in-science/120819/phone-app-puts-friends-and-safety-tap-away

An Offer

An offer was made to me this weekend.  It entails something that I have written about before and wanted to do.  I'm not going to go into any details of it, just that it has given me a lot to think about.  If I reject the offer, I loose a chance to do something that I have thought about for a very long time.  If I accept the offer, it has the potential to change things in my life, either for the better or for the worse.  I'm not sure what to do.  I have many things to think about and contemplate.

First Signs of Hate

On Sunday we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut.  I went to go pick it up.  Not wanting to change to head out, I was wearing my teal tank top, woman shorts, and flip flops that showed off my painted toes.  As I pulled in the parking lot, I noticed a group of young guys just hanging out outside of the Pizza Hut.  As I pulled into a parking spot, I started to get a bad feeling and started getting really nervous.  I got the nerve to get out of the car, but the bad feeling was correct.  For the first time I was harassed for what I was wearing.  I tried to ignore them as I walked passed them into Pizza Hut.  They were saying stuff like "Fag" and "Gay".  I was so nervous I couldn't make out all they were saying.  Why did they have to do that?  I didn't do anything to them.  This is the first time I have been harassed for what I've been wearing.  Luckily they were gone as I was leaving Pizza Hut.  It put me in a slight funk the rest of the evening.  Ugh.

My Birthday

My birthday is next Saturday.  I'll be 34 years old.  Nothing exciting.  Just another day.  At least that's how I feel about it.  On my birthday a friend of mine is having a birthday party for her daughter's 4th birthday.  Most would think it is unfair of her to have her daughter's party on my birthday.  To be honest I don't care.  Actually I kind of like it.  That way I will be with my friends on my birthday.  That doesn't happen very often.  I'm not one for being the center of attention.  But this way I can be with my friends and not be the center of attention.  Maybe there will be a cake for me, maybe not.  I honestly don't care.  I just want to spend that day with my friends and my wife.  And that is what I'll be getting.  I don't want any big deals made about how it is my birthday and what not.  It's just another day.  I know how important it is for kids to have their parties as close to their birthday as possible.  So I don't mind at all.  If anything, maybe what happened last year can happen again for her party.  After her party, the guys went camping and the girls stayed home and went in the hot tube.  Maybe this year it will happen again, but I can stay with the girls.  Convince them to do my hair and makeup.  But I'm not holding my breathe.  Again it's just another day to me.

Stress

Why is there stress?  Why?  I've had enough of it.  Stress about finances, stress about transitioning, stress about practicing makeup, stress about going out as a woman.  Why do we need to feel stress?  All it takes is one event to just start compounding the stress.  Right now I feel like an avalanche is barreling down on me.  I wish my wife and I were out of debt to release that stress.  I wish I had more courage to practice my makeup and more courage to go out as a woman to release that stress.  I feel so lost right now.  I feel hopeless.  Why is it every time things seem to be getting better, something happens to make us fall?  Why?

Trans* Community Site

From Tumblr:

fuckyeahmtfs:

Hey there, ladies! My friend has started a social networking website for the trans* community called GenderFest.com. Her tumblr is genderfest.tumblr.com. She is trying to make a safe social space for the trans* community and supporters. Please check it out and join!

Out In The Park (Link)

http://outinthepark.info/

Dems Approve Platform Including Marriage Equality, ENDA

http://www.hrc.org/blog/entry/dems-approve-platform-including-marriage-equality-enda

Interesting Question

Right now I get very nervous being out as a woman.  I wonder if I will ever reach a point in my transition that I will be very nervous being out as a man instead of a woman.

Saturday Update

So Saturday was the day I was going to get my eyebrows waxed and go to a friends house as a girl since it is a safe place.  Well I got the courage to get my eyebrows done.  I showed up about 20 mins early to my appointment and they took me right away.  When the lady asked me what I wanted done, I was honest and told her I wanted a slightly more feminine brow.  Less bushy and shaped.  She did exactly what I wanted.  I was happy with the outcome and it was also subtle enough that I wouldn't get weird looks.

As for going to my friends house as a girl, that didn't end up happening.  It took all morning to gain the courage to get dressed and I was about to start putting on makeup.  Then the sky opened up and it was pouring out.  My wife asked me why I was putting on makeup if it's raining.  She said it would run.  Well that's all I needed to wipe away any courage I had.  It's not her fault.  But I look for any excuse to let the fear take over.  And I got it.  I did bring my clothes and makeup with me, but never put them on.  I know one of my friends was disappointed.  But I just couldn't muster up the courage again.  Maybe some other time I can do it.  Why did I let the fear win??  Why am I always looking for an excuse not to do it??  What was the worse that could have happened??  Nothing, but I gave in anyway.  Ugh.

A Different Life

Being a transgender woman, there have been many times I have wished I would have been born female rather than male.  I'm sure many transgender people wish that.  But the more I think about about it, if I was born female, I may not of had the experiences or the friends I have.  Yes my body would be the way I want it, but maybe not the life I wanted.  It is the events and experiences that shape who we are.  If I had been born female, would I have the same close group of friends I have now?  Would I have been involved in theater?  Would I have ever met my wife?  Would I have gone to school in NC and thus ever discovered the Lost Colony theater where I spent 4 amazing summers with amazing people?  Would I still be me at the core?

As much as I wish I was female, I'm not sure I wish I was born female.  I can't imagine my life without ever being with my wife.  I can't imagine not having the friends I have now.  I like who I am even if my body doesn't match.  Someday it will match, but by taking HRT I will still be me on the inside.  I will still have my wife and my friends.  I wouldn't give them up for anything.  I would never want to change who I am on the inside.  I wouldn't want a different life that I have now.  Is it hard? Yes, but it is worth it.

We are our own worst enemy (Link)

http://www.examiner.com/article/we-are-our-own-worst-enemy

Another Debate: Update

So after posting my "Another Debate" post, my wife called me.  She was like, there is no debate, you are going as a girl.  Our friends house is a safe place and this is a perfect opportunity.  So I will be going all out, jean skirt, teal tank top, push-up bra, makeup, earrings, hair down, etc.  Of course now here come the butterflies.

Also I will be taking another step.  Saturday morning I will be going to a salon to get my eyebrows waxed to be more feminine.  It took a lot of courage to call.  But I did.  I have my appointment.

Now For Something Completely Different...

Another Debate

This Saturday I will be going to a friend's house to meet one of her other friends who lives over seas.  She has told her friend all about me.  The option was given to me to either come as my male self, my female self or somewhere in-between.  I don't know what to do.  The fear that has been very vocal lately is telling not to because who knows who will see me and I will still look to male even if I dress as a girl.  But I need to acknowledge that fear and put it aside and be the true me.  I'm thinking of wearing my teal tank top and my jean skirt.  No bra.  It's kind of subtle without being all out.  Maybe have my hair down.  Maybe wear earrings.  No makeup, but maybe I'll bring my kit with me just in case.  I don't know.  Or I'll end up letting fear win and just go as my quasi male self.  I need to beat this fear.  I need to build up my confidence and self esteem to be who I really am.  I just don't know.  Ugh.

'Going Stealth': A Complicated and Dynamic Family Decision (Link)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wayne-maines/transgender-children_b_1740140.html

So Much Hate... Why?

It seems no matter where you turn there is hate towards the LGBT community.  Why?  Since I embraced myself as transgender, I am becoming more and more aware of all the hate.  With Chick-fil-a, with the debates over same-sex marriage so much hate.  The people I follow on Tumblr post their asks on their blog and many anonymous people say such hateful things.  Again I ask why?  What is so wrong with being a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender that people hate us so much.  We do not hurt anyone.  We just want to lead normal lives without being hated.

Yesterday I read an article about parents of transgender children.  It talked about the fears they had.  They had to hide the fact that their kids were transgender.  They tried to go "stealth".  But when it was discovered that their girls were born boys or their boys were born girls, they ended up having to move to get away from the bullying and hate.  Why as a society can we not accept everyone for who they are?  I remember the first article I read about a transgender individual.  It was about Cece.  Who is now in jail for killing her attacker in self defense.  She was beaten and could have been killed, but faced her attacker in a kill or be killed situation.  Fearing for her life she ended up killing her attacker.  Now she is in jail.  Why?  It was self defense.  But the bigger question is why did those people hate her so much to want to kill her?  Why is there so much violence against the LGBT community?

This past weekend my wife and I watched a documentary on HBO about Vito Russo.  "Vito was one of the pivotal players in many of these gay rights organizations during their formative years. He was an early member of GAA (Gay Activists Alliance), whose goal was to secure basic human rights, dignity and freedom for all gay people. He was one of the co-founders of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), which was formed to ensure that media representation of gays and lesbians was accurate. Towards the end of his life, he was one of the founders of ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), a guerilla activist group whose goal was to bring legislation, medical research, treatment and policies to ultimately eradicate the AIDS epidemic."  This was a very informative documentary.  What was very interesting was the part about his project "The Celluloid Closet."  In his project he documented homosexuals in film from it's beginning.  It showed how there has always been homosexuals in film.  In the early years the characters were shown as normal people.  There was nothing wrong with a man kissing another man, a woman kissing another woman, two men dancing together, men in woman's clothes, woman in men's clothes, etc.  Then, I think in the 40's (I maybe wrong on the decade) there was an act that prohibited any homosexual acts or characters in film.  Around the 60's the ban was beginning to lift, but the homosexual characters were then shown as evil or bad people.  They were being shown in a very negative light.  It continued on that way until around the early 80's.  But with 20 some odd years of anything homosexual being shown as bad, the damage had been done.

As much as I don't like to admit it, our society is shaped by what we see on TV, in the movies, and hear in music.  With such homophobia being ingrained in our minds, I started to see why there is so much hate.  Society was brain washed into thinking anything homosexual was bad, evil or wrong.  Now this also sheds some light on the reason why the younger generations in today's society are more accepting.  With media portraying homosexuals in a better light as normal characters with nothing wrong with it and social icons such as Ellen Degeneres coming out as gay and Chaz Bono coming out as a transgender man, the younger generations are more accepting.  This gives me hope that one day the old homophobia will die out and be replaced with an accepting society.  It may take a few generations, but there is hope.

US shrinks say trans no longer 'mental illness' (Link)

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/trans-no-longer-mental-illness060812

Emotions & Breaking Habits

Lately I have been feeling a bit depressed and overwhelmed/discouraged.  After the steam I had built up a couple of months ago, I seem to have stalled.  I'm letting the fear and doubt get to me.  I find that I just can't get myself to practice putting on makeup after the last time with my wife.  I feel hopeless.  I know that it takes a lot of practice, but I feel so lost with it.  After two failures of doing it myself, I get myself so worked up that I convince myself not to practice.  I try asking for help to show me how to apply makeup, but either people are too busy or I get the response of: it takes practice and we had to learn it on our own or no one showed us.  I'm feeling that even though everyone is supportive and accepting of me, they don't want to deal with me or I've already put too much on them and I'm asking way to much of them.  I'm in such a funk that I don't know if it is true or not.  Part of me is thinking it would be better if I never bring up my transition to anyone again.  Just never discuss it.  I know transitioning isn't supposed to be easy.  But part of me is thinking that it would be easier to just go back into hiding.  This way I am no longer needing anyone's help.  I can go back to helping others and not needing their help.  I don't know.  I'm just in such a funk.  I really want to be a woman.  That is who I am inside.  I want to look like a woman, dress like a woman, and act like a woman.  But the most difficult part of the transition besides getting over the fear is breaking all male habits.  I've never been all that masculine, but when you spend 34 years being one way and only that way, it is very hard to change gears.  I haven't had the growing up female years of playing with makeup or playing dress up.  I haven't had the chance to be feminine.  I haven't grown up wearing a bikini / one piece swimming to feel ok with it.  Or grow up wearing skirts out to learn how to sit or walk.  I know I can't learn this stuff over night, but I really think with help and support I can do it faster than another 30+ years.  I really want to get my friends to understand.  I would really love to be able to convince my friends to do a girl day every so often to get their help.  Not a full day, but part of a day.  Just my close friends... to help me.  Help me with makeup.  Help me with different hair styles.  Help me with my walking and posture.  Help me get over the fear of being dressed as a woman.  Help me be comfortable being a woman.  They grew up as woman and over many years had the time to develop into womanhood.  I'm jumping into womanhood.  I want to be who I am, but need the help.  I just feel alone.  Sorry, just been down lately.  I feel like "the first rule of transgender is you don't talk about transgender."  Hopefully I can get out of this funk.  I'm just feeling lost right now.  Maybe today will get better.

On a brighter note, I am up to 1046 page views on my blogger site and 45 followers on my tumblr site.  I can't believe how many people are reading about me.  I hope I am helping others know that they are not the only ones who are going through this.

Little Things

As I take this journey of transition, there are a few little things I do to keep the dysphoria in check.  As I am not out full time and most likely won't be a work, I can still do things to keep me feeling feminine even though I am still presenting as male.

1. I only wear woman's underwear.  Unless I am in a situation wear I absolutely have to, I have stopped wearing men's underwear. 
2. Unless it is extremely warm/humid out, I wear a bra.  Only issue is I have to wear my fleece jacket to hide that I am wearing a bra.
3. Almost every Friday and every weekend I wear my hair down.
4. I wear either women's dress pants, jeans, or shorts.  Monday thru Thursday I have to dress up for work so I wear black women's dress pants and a man's button down shirt.  Friday's are casual so I wear women's jeans.  And on the weekends I can wear women's shorts and tank tops.
5. I wear women's boots to work.  They have a 1 3/4" heel.
6. I only wear women's socks.
7. Some days as I am driving to work I will wear heels in my car and change out of them when I get to work.
8. Some days I also will put in my hoop earrings while I am driving and take them out when I get to work.
9. A few times a week, I will change into a skirt when I get home from work.
10. I keep my toe nails painted.  The only place that I don't show off my painted toes is work.  Otherwise I will wear sandals and not care if people see my painted toes.
11. I carry a purse with me to work, but I put my messenger bag in front of it so it is not as obvious.
12. I wear a woman's watch now all the time, unless I'm going to be doing something where it can get damaged.
13. Occasionally I will shave my face with a straight razor to have it be as smooth as possible.  Only issue with doing that everyday is I will burn through a razor each time and they get pricey.
14. When I go swimming I wear my bikini bottom under my men's swim trunks.

I wish I could present as a woman all the time and not have to hide it.  I would love to be able to wear skirts all the time and heels.  Hopefully someday that wish will become a reality.  But until then, I will continue to do these little things.

Through the Looking Glass

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with "Alice in Wonderland".  I used to love watching Disney's animated feature of "Alice in Wonderland".  I remember getting so excited in 1985 when there was a live action TV special of "Alice in Wonderland".  We recorded it and I would watch it over and over again.  Except for the part with the Jabberwocky.  The Jabberwocky really scared me.  To be honest the Jabberwocky still scares me.  I remember when I was around 13 years old, I started having a recurring nightmare about the Jabberwocky chasing me all around my grandmother's house.  (Interestingly, that is the age I started wishing I was a girl.  hrmmmm).  I'm not sure what about "Alice in Wonderland" hooked me.  Maybe it was the idea of escape to a wondrous land.  Or the colorful characters.  My favorite character was the Mad Hatter, but I had always wanted to be Alice.  I wanted to be the one having the adventure.  By the time I went to college, "Alice in Wonderland" faded into my past and the nightmares stopped.  It wasn't until Disney released it's latest telling of "Alice in Wonderland" did my obsession start again.  Not sure if obsession is the right word, oh well.  After it's release it seemed like there was an "Alice in Wonderland" frenzy.  The Syfy channel came out with their own interpretation movie and their series Warehouse 13 did an episode relating to Through the Looking Glass.  Jefferson's Airplane "White Rabbit" song became my new favorite song.  I downloaded a copy of the 1985 "Alice in Wonderland" movie, plus a couple others that I had not seen but had to download.  Since then I have had Alice on the brain.  I feel such a connection with it and the characters.  I began referring to my old drug days as "falling down the rabbit hole".  Part of me wonders if my infatuation with "Alice in Wonderland" has a connection with my desire to transition.  Maybe as I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and the more I transition it is like I am stepping through the looking glass to a new life and the nightmares of the Jabberwocky is the fear that is chasing me.  Hmmm.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't know.  Two years for Halloween I dressed up as the Mad Hatter and my wife dressed up like Alice.  I have started thinking about this years Halloween.  If I dress as the Mad Hatter I want to dress as a female Mad Hatter.  Or maybe be the Red Queen and my wife can still be Alice.  She makes such a good Alice.

Vacation

My wife and I had a small staycation for 6 days.  The first day we didn't do much.  I had to retake the general portion of the CT Real Estate Exam.  I was so nervous... I couldn't afford to fail again.  I passed.  Thank God.  I was so happy.  Next we dropped her car off to the repair shop to fix her window.  The rest of the day, my wife and I just relaxed and caught up on stuff on the DVR.

The second day I had a doctor's appointment in the morning then it was off to a friend's house for the weekend.  Doctor's appointment went fine.  Got home and started packing for the weekend.  Got all of our dishes done and we left for our friend's house. We got to our friend's house around 4pm.  I was a little nervous of going because I had not come out to anyone that was going to be there and was afraid of slipping.  I am unsure how anyone would have taken it.  We set up our tent then being over heated, took a jump in the pool.  This was a little hard for me.  I felt so naked only wearing men's swim trunks.  I just downed a few drinks and tried very hard not to think about it.  The rest of the evening went ok.  By 10:30pm, my wife and I were tired and headed to our tent.  Got woken up at 2:30am to a downpour.  Not ever camping in the rain before, I had no idea how the tent was going to hold up.  There were a couple of leaks, but not too bad.

The third day we woke up around 7am and got up for breakfast.  The morning started out ok, but by mid morning it started raining.  It rained almost all day.  We had a short break of rain that gave us enough time to move all of our stuff from the tent into our friend's house to keep it dry.  By the time we got everything in the house it started raining again and didn't stop until 10:30pm.  We were all huddled under their patio roof.  It was cold and damp.  After some of the comments made through out the day, I learned it was best that I had not come out to them.  I don't think it would have gone over well.  Once the rain stopped, my wife and I decided to pack up the wet tent and go home to our dry warm beds.  I was a little disappointed to leave, but it was such a crappy day that it was best.

The fourth day, we slept in and just relaxed all day trying not to get sick from being cold and damp the day before.  I unloaded the car and set up the tent in my in-laws garage to dry out.  That night my wife tried helping me practice makeup.  I'm such a bad student.  I don't know if it was because I was tired or just having major dysphoria, but it did not come out right.  I got depressed and upset at myself.  My wife thought it was because of how she was showing me how to do it.  It wasn't.  She was a good teacher.  Just a bad time I guess to practice.  When I looked in the mirror all I saw was my male face.  I immediately washed the makeup off and went for a smoke to cry.  I was discouraged that I won't be able to do this.  I want to be passable as a woman, but my face is just too male.  I can't wait to get on hormones.  After the cigarette, we went to bed.  I tried apologizing to my wife for being a bad student.

The fifth day I did all of our laundry.  Watched some of the Olympics and went to pick up my wife's car.  After paying an arm and a leg for the repairs we went home and watched more Olympics.

The sixth day we took it easy again.  Around noon we went to check on a friend's house before they got home from their vacation.  I decided to be a little daring and wore my teal tank top, new patterned shorts, and my cute gladiator sandals.  That went ok until we headed home.  Ended up needing gas and was too afraid to get out of the car to pump the gas in what I was wearing.  So my wife ended up getting out and pumping the gas.  Then we relaxed the rest of the day.

I had hoped to spend a lot of the vacation as a woman, but it just didn't work out.  I let fear get the best of me.  It would have been a perfect time to practice makeup, but nope.  I had also hoped to go to the friend's house who was on vacation and use their hot tube like they offered.  I so wanted to be able to wear my new bikini in a secluded none worrying atmosphere.  But that didn't end up happening.  Maybe some other time I can finally wear it.  I really want to.  I would love to have a girls weekend sometime where I can get my wife and my two female best friends together and have them all help me with makeup and get to hot tube as a girl.  Maybe some day.