30 Day Trans Challenge - Days 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

17) What's your binding choice and why?

I don't bind.  I do plan on possibly binding my breasts as they grow bigger to hide from work until I'm out.  As for tucking, I rarely do that as I tend to be small at rest.  And with the hormones shrinking the testies, I don't tend to show a bulge.  However on rare occasions I do tape, just to get the feeling of nothing hanging between my legs.

18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live?

The trans laws are great where I live.  I live in Connecticut and we have some of the best trans laws.  Gender Identity was added to the Anti-Discrimination laws a couple of years ago.  I still fear losing my job though if I come out as transgender.  Even though they can't fire me for being transgender, they could always find other ways to fire me and I couldn't really afford to fight it.  I hope to someday get a job at my wife's company where they are very trans friendly.

19) If your religious how do your views effect being trans if your not religious what about your family religions?

Religion doesn't really effect my views of being trans.  I tend to believe that no one should judge and love thy neighbor.  However, my grandmother and great aunt are very religious and old school.  I am not out to them as I don't think they would be very accepting.  They are also ultra conservative and believe everything they hear on Fox News (whom isn't very trans friendly in reporting).  

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

Right now I'm a proud parent of three wonderful cats.  My wife and I are happy with that at the moment. We briefly thought about having a baby, but then we discovered that she couldn't have kids.  We may adopt at some point, but it's not definite.

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community?

My view on the cis-gendered community is it is very uninformed / uneducated on the trans community. There is so much miss information out there.  This tends to lead to confusion and the unknown.  And people fear the unknown.  I think as time progresses and there is more information out there, the cis-gendered community will be less transphobic.  But it's going to take time.  

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?

At the moment no, but I'm not out full time.  Like I previously put in an answer, I do fear losing my job if I come out.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 13, 14, 15, 16

Sorry these are a bit.  With everything going on with my wife, I just haven't had the chance to write.  

13) Bathrooms:

Bathrooms haven't been an issue yet as I am not out full time. 

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

The biggest tip is be confident.  If you show fear, you are more open to questioning.  Also take the time to develop a style, practice putting on make-up, and observe other women.  Learn the mannerisms and how other women carry themselves.  I don't pass at the moment, but these are what I will be doing.  I have had a few moments of passing without trying.  I think that's thanks to the hormones making my body more feminine and also I am becoming more confident in who I am.

15) How have you embraced your trans identity?

I started out struggling with embracing being trans, but I have slowly embraced it.  I realized that this is who I am.  I was destined to be the woman I knew I was.  Having the people around me who support and love me, has definitely made it easier to embrace.  And seeing the changes in me has helped too.  Feeling more confident, being more out going, if I hadn't come out, I would still be in my shell.

16) What's your rock anthem and why?

This is a tough one.  My wife and I were discussing this one.  After much thought, I think I'm going to stick with my favorite song: Dream on by Aerosmith.  It just reminds me that everyone struggles, but to live and learn, to grow and to sing, and to alway dream on.  Singing always cheers me up.  

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 10, 11 & 12

So the last three days have been occupied with ER trips with my wife and her having her gallbladder out. Now that she is resting in her hospital bed and doing well, I figured I would take the opportunity to catch up on the 30 Day Trans Challenge.

10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

My fears in regards to being trans are average.  I do fear that I won't ever fully look female.  But I am happy that I am feeling very feminine.  That is huge.  I also fear discrimination and hate, but haven't experienced much yet.  

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Mainly by crying or having mini panic attacks.  Since being on hormones the dysphoria has not been bad.  If I feel it coming on, I just try to breath and remind myself that I am taking the steps I need to and that I already feel very feminine.  Plus the support that is around me helps a lot.

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

For mental health I see my therapist every week.  She has been helping so much.  I look forward to talking with her every week.  To the point I count down the hours.  And I'm a bit sad after the sessions when I know I have a week until I come back in.  It also helps with writing on blogger and tumblr.  I wouldn't have made it this far with those who read and follow them.

As for my physical health that's a toughy.  For monitoring my hormone progress I see my Endocrinologist every 3-4 months.  However my diet pre hormones has caused weight gain after hormones.  I am trying to cut my portion sizes and watch what I eat.  I am also trying to get in the routine of exercising.  We have a rowing machine, treadmill, and exercise bike.  Just got to get motivated to use them more.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 9

9) What is something positive about being trans?

There is a lot of negative things that happen with being trans.  However, there are some positive things.  I discovered how many true friends I have that have stuck by me when I came out and even rekindled some that I thought were lost.  I am happier knowing who I am and accepting it. I have met so many amazing people through this blog and my tumblr blog.  People that have inspired me and in turn I have inspired them (hopefully).  I feel a part of something bigger.  I feel a sense of belong. I have strengthened my relationships with my bestfriends to being sisters.  I have tested my marriage and even though it has it's rocky moments it is becoming stronger.  I have broken out of my shell.  I enjoy sharing about myself.  I am finally learning to love myself.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship.  Some may say that being trans is a curse with all the negative things that can happen.  But I also find it a blessing, as I am discovering who I am and get to see the world in a new light and it isn't as dark as it appears.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 8

8) How do you deal with being read mis-genderd in the beginning of transitioning by people?

As I am not full time at the moment and spend more time in boy mode, I don't really experience being read mis-genderd.  However with being in boy mode and called ma'am and miss really lift my spirits.  The only issue I sort of have is with my parents.  Since coming out to them, they seem to constantly re-affirm that I am their son.  I don't know if they are doing it more often than what they used to or if I'm just more sensitive to it.  Just seems a lot of "...my son"  "...that's my boy" stuff.  I know it is hard for them to get used to now having another daughter after having a son for 34 years.  I just hope when I'm out full time, whenever that will be, that they will be more sensitive.  And I know slips happen.  I was referred to as uncle by one of my friends and I know it was an honest slip.  That really doesn't bother me.  Maybe I'm weird that it doesn't get to me as much.  Do I hate being called sir at a store or restaurant?  Yes, but I can't blame them if I'm out in boy mode.  Maybe I will feel differently when I'm out full time.  Only time will tell.  

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 7

7) Who do you look up to?

This is a tough one.  I have thought about this since last night.  I can not pin point just one person who inspires me.  As I reflect and think on this question, I think I may have the answer. I look up to everyone.  I look up to those who have transitioned before me, those who are transitioning with me and those who are just beginning.  I look up to anyone who knows who they are.  I look up to anyone who questions who they are.  I look up to those who are here. I look up the person who didn't cut last night. I look up to the person who tried not to cut but couldn't resist the temptation.  I look up to the person who didn't cry themselves to sleep.  I look up to the person who is strong enough to cry.  I look up to those who have taken the step to talk with a therapist.  I look up to my wife for standing by my side even though it is very hard for her.  I look up to my best friends as they support me no matter what.    I look up to my friends for accepting me for who I am with no question.  I look up to everyone.  Everyone inspires me. Everyone gives me hope and faith.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 6

6) Who was the first person you told about being trans?

This is a tough question.  I believe my wife (when we were dating) was the first person I actually soberly told straight about wanting to be a woman and feeling that I should have been born a woman.  But I didn't use the term transgender.  I know there are friends who I had hinted to before and maybe under the influence told bits of my need and feeling to be a woman.  Again not using the term transgender.   I'm honestly not sure who the first person was that I told about being transgender.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 5

5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community?

Yes and no.  I feel I should do more in the communities.  I post a lot to share my story of transition.  All the good and bad so others will know they are not alone.  I also help manage a facebook page, twitter account, and google+ page for Genderfest.com.  Here is a description of Genderfest from the homepage:

GenderFest: Transgender Social Network

Being transgender doesn't mean you have to be alone.  Actually, I prefer "gender variant", "gender free", or "gender positive" - but the point here is that together, acting as a community, we can and are changing the world.

We strive to serve a diverse audience: Some people identify as transgender, trans, transsexual, cross-dressers – or know someone who does – and some reject labels all together.  That’s great -- because the important word was people.  Let's not forget, wherever our conversations go, that we are all people, people who deserve the same respect, safety, and human rights as everyone else.  I certainly can’t speak for everyone, nor do I try – all I can do is speak for myself.  Let me say this, then: I reject the notion that there are two boxes, “Male” and “Female”, and that an individual most fit into one of these two boxes their entire life. 

Instead, I think of gender as a spectrum, that spectrum existing as one property of many characteristics: gender expression and gender identity are two examples.  In fact, I’m not sure that “Male” and “Female” are necessarily the two dichotomous ends of the spectrum.

I invite you to journey with me, to look at these issues and so many more.  As a community we can build a more accepting and safer environment.

With the social media pages, I share information, news, and resources regarding the trans community and the LGBT community.  It helps give me a sense of purpose getting the word out and maybe helping others.

If interested here are the links:

http://www.genderfest.com/

https://www.facebook.com/GenderFest

https://twitter.com/GenderFest1

https://plus.google.com/111413905744527905523/posts

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 4

4) How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you?

The family that I have come out took it better than I expected.  They seemed to have the same response of everyone else I've come out to.... "Oh yeah, we knew that."  I'm out to my parents, my sister, her husband, and 2 cousins.  All have been supportive and fine about it.  My parents tend to be a little less supportive or they are just clueless.  I'm hoping clueless.  They just still reaffirm me being their son.  Like they say it more than they did before I came out.  Maybe they are still getting used to it.  Maybe it's hard for them to see me as a daughter as I still present mostly male for now.  But in time I think they will come around.  Baby steps.  It only bothers me when I'm on the downward swing of my emotions.  And I know slip ups happen.  Everyone has known me as male for 34+ years.  It's an adjustment.  I get that.  Like last night I was called uncle.  I know it was a slip.  It didn't bother me.  

As for why I'm not out to the rest of my family.... they are super religious and conservative.  I think some of my aunts and uncles would be fine if I came out to them, but my grandmother and great aunt would not be.  They both live for fox news and they are the type that pick and choose from the bible to what suits them.  Both are up there in age, so I don't have to hide forever.  Interesting though is that even with how religious and conservative my grandmother is... she didn't care when I was six and my sister and aunt dressed me up as a girl.  She at times encouraged it.  I know she isn't like that now.  Three husbands later and now alone made her bitter and all about church and believing every word of Fox News.  Oh well.


I need to amend my answer to Day 2 regarding my name.  I may be keeping my birth name, but I did pick a nickname for myself.  It's many for the kids in my life that I call nieces and nephews.  I picked the nickname Bibi.  It means aunt in Indonesia.  And another variation has developed... Beebs.  I like both and wish I was called them more often.  They're cute nicknames.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 3

3) Have you ever been outed?

Sorry this is a short one.  The answer is no.  I have not.

9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months on hormones.  I came very close to throwing it all away.  I've come so far, but have so much farther to go.  And with being so depressed lately, I have no energy or will to celebrate 9 months.  So to all my followers for being such a downer lately.  I promise to try to sum up some strength to make it through this and be back to posting happier things.  Just bear with me.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 2

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why?

This one is easy.  I'm not changing my name.  My name can be used by males and females.  It was a predominately male name, but that is changing and more females have my name.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 1

With today being 9 months on hormones, I thought it might be good to do the 30 Day Trans Challenge.

1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?

From a young age (5 or 6), I never really felt comfortable being a boy. At 13 I had started a nightly ritual of wishing I was a girl.  I didn't realize the term transgender referred to me until around January 2012.  My life seemed to be spiraling out of control... at least internally.  I had for the longest time, worn certain feminine clothing, like girls jeans, girls underwear, and occasionally a bra.  I had always rationalized them as just being more comfortable to wear than men's clothes.  But it got to the point where I knew I was lying to myself and others.  Every night I turned the wish into begging and pleading with the gods or whomever might be listening to be a woman.  I was losing it.  I disliked seeing my male self in the mirror.  As I was trying to find myself and stop the spiral, I discovered Gender Dysphoria.  After reading the description, I knew that is what I had, but I had not yet accepted that I was transgender.  Then as I began writing my emotions down and doing major soul searching I realized then that I was transgender.  I am a transgender woman.  But realizing and accepting don't always go hand in hand.  I knew who I was, but it wasn't until May 2012 that I began to accept that I am a transgender woman.  By the end of 2012 I fully accepted who I was.  It still is hard.  Even after 9 months into my transition.  9 months on hormones, it's still a battle.  Internally and externally.  I know this is the right path, no matter how hard it is and will always be.  I will have my doubts when I am weak and beaten down.  I will threaten to stop the transition when I fear my world collapsing around me.  But each time, I scrape up the strength to stay the course.  It is a tough balancing act, to stay happy and keep those in my life happy.  But we will make it through.  Just got to remind myself that.  We will only be stronger from this journey.

Darkness

Last night I had another great therapy session.  Near the end of the session we discussed a part of my past that I have very rarely shared.  The result of the, what seemed endless, bullying in school.  Something I was able to hide from almost everyone.  Along with hiding the constant bullying from family and friends, I hid my nightly ritual.  This is not easy to write about.  When my world seemed to be collapsing around me starting in 6th grade: losing all my friends and the start of the bullying, I started to contemplate suicide and I self harmed.  Almost every night I would sit up in my bed with either a knife or a bottle of pills.  Almost every night I thought it would be easier to just end it than deal with the pain any longer.

As I am still here, I never fully followed through.  Maybe deep down I knew that things would eventually get better, even though it seemed impossible.  I had felt so alone.  I felt I had no one who really cared about me.  It started with just holding the knife in my hand.  Trying to bring it to my wrist.  Then a bottle of pills in my hand, trying to bring it to my mouth.  I was very hesitant at first, even though I really wanted my pain to end.  Over a matter of weeks, the hesitation eased.  That is when I began cutting.  I started light.  Barely breaking the skin.  I pressed down just hard enough to cut through the top layer of skin.  It only looked like scratches.  Fearing what my parents would say with what my wrist was starting to look like, I moved to my inner thighs.  Each night I'd go a bit deeper.  Soon drawing blood.  I would just watch as the blood came to the surface and run down the cut.  I can't explain how it made me feel.... just maybe having the physical pain made the emotional pain subside, just for a moment.

I hit my apex in my junior year of high school.  One night I finally got the nerve to take the pills.  I had no idea what pills to take.  So I downed a full bottle of Aleve and prayed I would not wake up the next morning.  Apparently I couldn't die from taking a full bottle of Aleve.  I started thinking of other ways to end my life.  A girl in my class J.W. saw the signs.  Over a couple of weeks she convinced me not to kill myself.  I still cut, but not as deep as I used to.  The pain was still there, but having someone see the signs and care gave me hope.  I tried so hard to hide it from everyone in my life.  Why I let my guard down to show her what I was feeling maybe was a subconscious cry for help.

Soon after that is when I began smoking.  I made the conscious effort to replace my nightly ritual of cutting with a nightly cigarette.  Over the next year or so I had completely stopped cutting as long as I had that nightly cigarette.  If I skipped the cigarette, I would have that knife back in my hand.  Smoking became my vice.  A bad habit, yes, but I was no longer suicidal.  I found something that made me feel good.  Each drag just made the pain easier to deal with.  By then also my life was getting better.  I found myself surrounded by great friends, especially B, N, H, & M.  How I hid this from them, I don't know.  I put on such a good act I guess.

A few years later in college, things seemed to get bad again.  I was far away from my friends.  Getting bullied again.  I was trying losing it, so I started cutting again.  I picked up the knife with such ease.  I still remember that night crystal clear.  I can still feel how the blade felt going across my wrist.  I, as usual, didn't not cut deep.  Just enough for a little blood.  I cut for the next few weeks or so.  I finally stopped when I started dating my ex.  After dating for a while, I felt it was time to put away the knife for good.  I decided to get a celtic tattoo on my wrist to remind me not to cut.  The reason I chose celtic was because I was part scottish and in my mind every time I look at the tattoo it will remind me of all those that came before me and they endured, so I should be able to endure to.

Since getting the tattoo, I have not cut.  I've thought about it, but I have too much to live for now.  No matter how bad I feel, I just need to look at my wife and feel her love.  She is my reason for being.  And I would never want to hurt her.  When things get bad, instead of cutting I may pick a scab or pick the skin by my nails.  That's the extent of my self harm now.  Since quitting smoking cigarettes, it has been a little difficult not having that ritual, but thankfully I am smoking pipe tobacco once a day.  That has given me my nightly ritual back.  It's a close substitute.

I like to think that maybe way back when I started cutting, the deep down reason I didn't take my life is because the fates knew what I'd have now:  a loving wife, 3 wonderful kitties, 3 best friends, and an amazing famylie.