Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I write.  I know that one of my best friends convinced me to start.  And I began writing on Live Journal.  Just for me to see.  I needed to get my emotions out.  And as I wrote, I felt better.  But something was missing. What is a story without an audience.  What if there were people out there who felt the same way and needed to know that they weren't alone.  So I moved my writing to Blogger.  As my audience grew, I felt the need to touch other people.  I needed to share my story, my life.  I needed a community where I could open my heart.  Where I could share the best of times and the worst of times.  A place where I felt a sense of belonging.  And I found tumblr.  At first I was scared of it. Over time, with the people I touched and those that touched me, I found it to be one of my safe places to be myself and share my story.  Now I am planning on putting my story down into pages of a book. The next chapter of my writing life. Again I feel scared, but to have someone read my story, to feel moved by my words, to feel like they are not alone gives me the strength.

Writing has saved my life.  Getting my emotions out and acknowledging my demons, kept me from bottling up and ending my story, my life.  I have discovered how amazing life can be if you set your words free.  There will always be pain and struggle, but just knowing that you are not alone, gives hope that you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Loss of a Friend

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night.  It’s so hard losing a friend so young. Even though we only worked together for three summers and then became FB friends, he made such a huge impact on my life.  If it wasn’t for him, I would have never discovered my passion for Lighting and Light Design in theater.  Back in 1999 we both applied to work for an outdoor theater in NC (The Lost Colony).  He applied for lighting and I applied for sound.  Somehow they mixed up our resumes and I got put in lighting and he got put in sound.  We didn’t discover the mix up until a couple weeks into the rehearsal of the show.  But I discovered my love for lights and he discovered his love for sound.  

He was also the first guy I ever kissed.  We were at a party, everyone doing “e” and he kissed me.  I had always been attracted to guys, but had never done anything.  So he gave me that first experience. 

After I had moved back to CT, we lost touch for a while until finding each other on Facebook.    That was about 2 years ago.  Unfortunately he was already diagnosed with brain cancer and had tumors growing.  It was so tough watching him deteriorate these past 2 years.  He had such a beautiful soul.  He always had a positive outlook.  Even to the end.

Now he has taken his final march to a better place.  No more pain.  No more suffering.  He will be remembered.

11 Months

Time seems to be flying.  I can not believe I have been on hormones for 11 months.  Not much has changed physically recently.  I did discover that moving my estrogen patch to a new location, may have not been an all to great idea.  It had it's pluses, certain body parts started working more efficiently again.  Unfortunately I think that was due to not getting as much estrogen in my system.  I think the less estrogen caused my increased facial hair growth and mood swings.  This morning I moved the patch back to the old position.  I'm going to try to keep putting it in the old position for a while.  Hopefully I can get back on track.  I've already noticed that I'm leveling back out, for the most part.  A little more emotional.

As for other happenings, most of my friends are using female pronouns more often.  Occasionally they slip, but it's at least they are trying.  Also they are calling me Bibi, more than my birth name.  Even though I'm not changing my birth name, as it can be used for both genders, I like being called Bibi more.

Not much else has been going on.

Dear Parents and Sister,

I know you said you love, support, and accept me when I came out to you.  But saying and doing are two completely different things.  Don’t act like I’m doing this to hurt you.  This was not a choice.  It’s either have me as a daughter or have a dead son.  Don’t tell me how difficult it will be for you when others know about me.  And don’t tell me how hard it will be for you when I come out to the rest of the family.  Do you not realize how hard this is for me?  Don’t add by reaffirming my maleness.  Please stop saying “You will always be my son.”  Please stop saying every chance you get, “son”, “brother”, “young man”.  Do you realize that is like stabbing me in the heart?  I am now your daughter.  I am alive, I am happy, I am who I was supposed to be.  Can’t you be happy for me?  Can’t you accept that?  I should not have to hide who I am around you and the rest of the family.  If they can’t accept me, then what kind of family are we?  I have another family that has accepted me with open arms.  If you are not careful, you will not only have lost a “son”, but a daughter.  I don’t need that toxic environment in my life.  For one of the first times in my life, I am truly happy.  I am no longer in pain.  I no longer sit awake at night thinking of ways to kill myself.  I love who I am.  I love the woman I’m becoming.  I wish you could love me as your daughter.

Halloween 2013

Amazing what a difference a year makes. Last night was one of my best friend’s Halloween / birthday party. Last year I dressed as the Queen of Hearts. I was so nervous and needed help with my hair and makeup. I was scared of what people would think.  I remember bringing my costume to the party to change into.  I got ready in the 2nd bathroom.  Anxiously waiting for the friend to show up to do my hair and then waiting to have another friend do my makeup.  I was shaking most of the time.  Once I was dressed and done up, it took another 15 minutes for me to get my nerve up to walk out for other people to see me.

This year I went as Vanellope from Wreck it Ralph. I did my own makeup and hair. I was able to put my makeup on in one shot.  No washing off and starting again.  I knew what I wanted to do with my hair and got it to look the way I wanted first try.  I was so proud of myself.  As we were getting ready to head out the door, I had no nerves.  I was comfortable being me and I had no fear in letting people see that.  I didn't think twice of walking in, all dressed up.   I was so so comfortable.  The night was amazing.  I got many compliments on my costume.  No negativity.  It was great.  And more feminine pronouns being used.  My friends have been great adapting to the new me.  I'm just one of the girls now.

I love the changes I have gone through this past year. I love finally being able to be myself.

Here is a picture of me...