The 12th Month

Today marks my 12th month on hormones.  I still can't believe how fast the time went by.  Tomorrow I have my quarterly Endo appointment.  I also had to get blood drawn to check levels.  Hoping everything looks ok.  Even with how fast time has been flying the changes have been slow.  I wish I was read as more female than male.  I may ask my Endo about progesterone.  I have had considerable breast growth.  I'm up to a B cup now.  And my butt is a bit rounder and plumper.  I have also become a bit more comfortable in my skin.  I've pretty much stopped hiding who I am except at work.  Even though I'm not out to my whole family, I started wearing nail polish on weekends and they haven't said anything if I see them.  I am so much happier now.  And I've become more out going.  I guess not hiding anymore is a big help.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for me.  Hopefully I get lose the weight I've gained from being on hormones.  I want to see curves.  I will post tomorrow on what happens at my Endo appointment.

11 Months

Time seems to be flying.  I can not believe I have been on hormones for 11 months.  Not much has changed physically recently.  I did discover that moving my estrogen patch to a new location, may have not been an all to great idea.  It had it's pluses, certain body parts started working more efficiently again.  Unfortunately I think that was due to not getting as much estrogen in my system.  I think the less estrogen caused my increased facial hair growth and mood swings.  This morning I moved the patch back to the old position.  I'm going to try to keep putting it in the old position for a while.  Hopefully I can get back on track.  I've already noticed that I'm leveling back out, for the most part.  A little more emotional.

As for other happenings, most of my friends are using female pronouns more often.  Occasionally they slip, but it's at least they are trying.  Also they are calling me Bibi, more than my birth name.  Even though I'm not changing my birth name, as it can be used for both genders, I like being called Bibi more.

Not much else has been going on.

9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months on hormones.  I came very close to throwing it all away.  I've come so far, but have so much farther to go.  And with being so depressed lately, I have no energy or will to celebrate 9 months.  So to all my followers for being such a downer lately.  I promise to try to sum up some strength to make it through this and be back to posting happier things.  Just bear with me.

Taboo

So there is a topic that I've noticed is rarely discussed.  What if a transgender woman decides to keep her penis.  It could be for various reasons: can't afford surgery, scared of the surgery, or they have a significant other whom they love and they like that body part.  Whatever the reason, one thing that is hardly talked about is performance after starting hormones.  Don't let any porn fool you, it is not that easy to get an erection if you have been on hormones for a while.  Yes you expect the morning hard on to go away, but what about if you want to have sex?  And use your penis?  It's not as easy as one would think.  With lack of testosterone in your body, you suffer erectile dysfunction.  It will take a lot of work to get an erection, and even more work to keep it.  Is this the same for everyone?  No.  Each person can experience varying degrees.  Also, think of your penis as a muscle.  If you don't use it, you are going to lose it.  As much as most of us do not like our penises, we tend to not touch it.  The blood vessels constrict and forget how to stretch and bring in blood flow.  It will also become painful if you try.  Trust me.  Ow ow ow.

And if you really love your significant other, like I do, you do not want to disappoint in the bedroom.  Mostly they will understand it takes a bit more work to get the penis up.  But not always can you hold the erection and it may not be as big as it was pre-hormones as again, if you don't use it, you lose it.

So if you want to keep your significant other happy in bed, I suggest every so often, a few times a week, exercise that muscle.  I know it can get dysphoric, but it gets easier.  And for that extra push, you could always go the route of Viagra.  Which my doctor just prescribed to me yesterday.  I have not tried it yet, as I won't be able to afford to pick up the prescription until next weekend.  They are expensive.  10 pills for $50 (if you have insurance).  No insurance 10 pills will run you about $167.  But again, if you love your significant other with all your heart, it is worth it.

Quick July Update

So it's been 7 months on hormones.  I would love to say I'm getting a handle on my new more emotional state, but I'd be lying.  I mean I was emotional before starting hormones, but now I cry at the drop of a hat.  It takes everything in my being to hold back from crying about things at work.  As for physical changes, my breasts keep growing... slowly, but they are growing.  I'm about a B cup.  I find I need the support of a bra more and more.  This past weekend my wife and I were in Disney World for her birthday and I went 4 days without wearing a bra and it got painful at times. :(  But I survived.   Oh speaking of Disney World something exciting happened.  My wife and I were going to ride the new attraction Journey of the Little Mermaid at the new Fantasyland at the Magic Kingdom and the attendant called me and my wife Ladies.  Like I wasn't wearing makeup, and wasn't really all that femininely dressed... ok I was dressed a bit feminine... pink & powder blue hat, girl shorts, girl tank top, but still subtle to be kind of androgynous and he called us Ladies.   That just made the rest of my day.  Thank god I didn't open my mouth as I haven't really worked on my voice and it is definitely male sounding.  That might have really confused him.  Oh and also the day after that as we were entering Epcot, the cast member at the turnstile called me miss.  Seems like I'm starting to pass a bit without trying.  But I just don't see it when I look in the mirror.  :(  I wonder if I will ever see the changes. How long until I see the reflection I am supposed to see???  Oh well, two great moments at least.

And happy 30th birthday to my wife.  We were both worried about this journey of transition and we have grown so much closer.... closer than we ever thought possible.... and each day we get closer.... yay!!!!!

6 Months and Counting

I can't believe it has been 6 months since starting hormones.  Time is flying.  I never thought I would ever get to this point.  When I first admitted to myself that I was transgender, I never thought I would actually transition.  I didn't think I had the strength and courage.  But here I am, 6 months on hormones and going strong.

Not much to report in changes.  Some really really minor facial changes.  Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's).  I have gained some weight.  Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time.  Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight.  The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian.  For some reason my body is rejecting most meats.  Like eating meat makes me physically sick.  This has happened once before about 17 years ago.  That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time.  So here's hoping it works the same way.

My emotions have been all over the place.  It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years.  Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor.  Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it.  FYI it was the size of a small watermelon.  Yikes.  But I cared all that stress for two years.  Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender.  Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year.  It's been a ride.  But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.

I am very thankful for our support system.  My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle.  We call it Famylie.  We are very close and supportive of each other.  We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned.  They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through.  Always supportive.

That's all I got for now.

Hormone Levels

My first hormone level check results came in.  They are looking great according to my doctor.  I find it interesting when they tested me before they put me on hormones to transition I was on the low end for male hormones.

Who Am I? I Am Me!

A friend convinced me to start writing as a way to get thoughts out.  I needed to figure out who I really was.  I named the blogs "Who am I" not because I didn't know, but was afraid to know.  It has been about a year and a half since I started this journey.  It has been a journey of self discovery and truth.  It's been an interesting journey so far.  Many dark moments in the beginning, struggling with who I was.  I was confused, I was lost.  With the answer of who I was always with me, but hidden.  It was in plain sight, but a secret to me.  Maybe not a secret, but I was scared to admit it.  After 6 months of writing, I was finally ready to accept the truth and take the next steps.

Fast forward a year.  A year and half since the first words were written and a year since the first big steps were taken.  I have come such a long way.  I have friends and family that know, love and support me.  I have been on hormones for 6 months.  I help run social media for "GenderFest" a Transgender Social Network.  Amazing progress, at least in my mind.  If you told me 2 years ago, that this is where I would be, I would never have believed you.  But I am blessed for where I am and for how far I have come.  I have wonder friends who love me for who I am.  Ever their kids love and accept me, calling me Auntie Bryce or Bibi (Aunt in Indonesian).  One of them stopped a kid a school from making derogatory comments about the transgender community by telling them about me and feeling he needed to stand up for me.  It brings me to tears thinking about it.

I know this journey is far from over.  It will continue to have it's ups and downs.  There will still be unsure moments of what the future holds.  I pray every day that both me and my wife with have the strength to tackle whatever comes next.  But there is one thing I know.... I know who I am... I am a women.... I may not have been born with a woman's body, but I am a woman.  Some day my outer self will reflect that, no matter how long it takes.  It may take years, it may take decades, but some day.  I am taking the slow path, but at least I am on the right path.

I may change my blogs name at some point, since I know who I am now.

Some New Changes to Report

Ok so there are some new changes to me I thought I would share:

Physical:

• Breasts fill an A Cup and I'm starting to fill a B Cup
• Thighs have gotten bigger and curvier... I now need new jeans
• Butt has gotten rounder and fuller... another reason for new jeans
• Skin is slowly getting softer
• Hair is still a roller coaster ride... slow growth some days... fast growth others

Psychological:

• I've become more modest... like I used to have no issue being shirtless or naked around the house, now I always need to be covered... weird
• I keep craving chocolate and I'm wasn't really a chocolate person
• I'm way more emotional... I was emotional before, but now... I can cry at the drop of a hat... my mood swings are off the charts (wife not so thrilled about that)
• I feel a bit more loquacious and happy/giddy
• I'm even more self conscious than I was before

That's all I can think of that has happened thus far.

Overdue Update

Ok, I know I have been MIA for a while.  Sorry.  Things have been crazy.  Especially at work where I normally write my blogs in the morning.  I usually can't write except in the mornings, because that is when my inspiration and what I want to talk about comes.  I spend an hour in my car every morning commuting to work.  During that time, I think.  And that's when I develop my blogs in my head.  If I don't write it in the morning when I get in early to work, then I forget what I wanted to write.

I'm trying to write at lunch time, when limited people are here at work and hopefully I remember everything.

So it has almost been 5 months on hormones.  Where is the time going?  I had a check-up with my endocrinologist this past Thursday.  So far so good.  My potassium was a bit elevated from the blood test a week prior, so we have to monitor that.  I have also gained 10 lbs since my last appointment.  Ugh.  My goal originally was to loose 30 lbs, but now it's 40 lbs.  Yikes.  I am trying to get myself in an exercise routine.  I have been trying to get up at 4:45am each morning to run on my treadmill for a half hour.  And then before going to bed run an additional half hour.  So far I could do 20 mins each time.  Guess I need to work my way up to 30 mins.  Also due to a head ache this morning, I didn't exercise.  Hopefully I can get it in tonight. Also I was told I was a bit dehydrated.  She told me I need to drink more water.  I am going to try, I rarely feel thirsty so I always forget to drink water.  Maybe I should set an alarm to remind me to drink water.

Now on the the changes.  Physically, not too much happening.  Which is kind of sad, but slow is good so work doesn't notice changes as easily.  My breasts are still growing.  I am starting to fill a B cup.  Not fully but they are getting there.  My wife has definitely noticed that they have grown.  Body hair has slowed again, but that's been a roller coaster of slow growth and fast growth.  It needs to make up it's mind.  I haven't noticed any facial changes yet.  My wife has noticed my hips are filling out more and becoming curvier.  I have noticed that I've started swaying my hips without meaning too, like they are naturally swaying.  I now have to pay attention to if I'm doing it, so I don't do it at work.  I think my butt is getting rounder/fuller.  My undies are starting to fit differently, like the way they are supposed to fit.

Psychologically, I am more emotional.  I could start crying at the drop of a hat.  I tend to have more bitchy moods, according to my wife.  I feel more feminine.  Like I feel like I'm sounding more feminine in the way I structure sentences.  More than I used to.

I still have fears as I go down this process.  One is the in between stages.  Like having breasts, but still noticeably male.  How will I go swimming this summer?  Do I try to bind and hide my breasts and wear t shirts and swim trunks?  With friends, do I wear a bikini top and swim trunks or full woman's swimsuit?  I don't know how I will feel wearing any of it.  Maybe I'll just avoid water all together.

Other fears are that things are not going well at work.  I am not out to anyone at work.  I am trying to keep it hidden for as long as possible because I fear losing my job, even though it is against the law to discriminate against gender identity in CT.  I have gotten two warnings for appearing negative at work.  Which is total BS, but my concentration or stress face is being construed as negativity.  Also the way I breathe when I'm really focused is being interpreted as huffing and annoyance.  AYFKM?!?  Well I have tried to give off a more positive appearance.  I try to smile as much as I can.  I try to talk more cheerfully.  I listen to happy music at my desk and change my breathing to a breathy whistle to the music.  Now I've gotten a complaint that I'm too happy.  Ugh.  Really??  I'm starting to think there is some suspicion about me and they are trying to keep throwing me under the bus until they have enough to fire me.  I hope that isn't the case.  If so, that is really shitty.  I'm afraid to find another job somewhere else as I know I won't be making as much as I do now and we can't afford for me to take a pay cut.   I really need to win the lotto. ;)  So for now I'm trying to be the model employee and not be online with social media, get in early and stay late to get everyone's work done.  I don't want to give them anymore fire.

That's about it for now.  If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm fine, just can't get on to write or when I can I can't think of anything to write.

4 Months

Just a quick note:

I just realized it is officially 4 months today that I have been fully on hormones.  January 4th, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist.  January 9th, my blood work came back and prescriptions were called in for spiro and estrogen.  January 10th, started spiro.  January 19th, finally started estrogen.  I can't believe it has been 4 months.  Still gonna take the slow path and wait as the hormones do there thing.

Weakness & Anger

For the past few months I have been trying to quit smoking.  I have mostly been successful.  I made it all the way through step 3 of the patch without cheating once.  But, I can not get off step 3.  I have tried twice now and each time I end up getting anxious and angry.  Angry for no reason.  Every little stupid thing sets me off.  The wind could blow and I'd get pissed.  I'm not sure what is going on with me.  Why can't I function without any nicotine in my system.  Why as soon as there is no nicotine in my system do I get mad and pick fights and get depressed.  Why am I so weak?????????  Since being on hormones I have felt a calm come over me, but as soon as I don't have a patch on that calmness goes away.  Each time I go off the patch I end up arguing with my wife for no reason, hurting her feelings.  I feel like I can't control myself.  Like I'm watching this happen and hearing the words come out of my mouth without being able to stop them.  I can't calm down.  I ended up having to go get more patches last night and put one on again.  It took a few hours, but I calmed down.  Today I have another patch on and I feel normal.  Why won't my body/mind let me be nicotine free.  I want to be, I really do, but I also don't want to feel that random stupid anger.  I don't want to hurt my wife with my words.  I feel so lost.  Maybe I just need to go away from people and just go off the patch and just let the stupid anger out.  I don't know.  I don't want to always be dependent on nicotine.  I fear my quitting smoking is slowly tearing my marriage apart when I go off the patch.  I just don't get it.  Maybe in 2 more weeks I'll be ready to go off the patch again.  I hope so.  I hope in two weeks I won't let the anger get to me.  Maybe in two weeks I won't feel weak.  I want to just be able to deal with situations calmly without nicotine.  I want to be the loving spouse with nicotine.

Patience is a Virtue

Patience is a virtue, right?  When I finally admitted to myself who I was last year and came out to my friends & family, it was like a freight train speeding out of control.  Everything was moving so fast, with no time to breathe or think.  I felt like I needed to hurry and learn makeup and fashion over night.  I felt like I needed to be out full time asap.  But recently I have figured out that it doesn't have to be over night.  It is ok for things to take time.  My world isn't quite ready for me to jump in with both feet.  And I'm ok with that.  Do I wish that I could magically be a woman? Of course.  But that is not realistic.  Hormones take time to work and I know that the older one is the longer it could take.  Some people see a noticeable difference with their body and features in a few months while others could take years to start seeing differences.  Each body reacts differently and changes at it's own pace.  I am by no means taking any steps backwards, I'm just slowing the pace and giving time for the hormones to do their thing.  I see some subtle changes over the past 4 months, moments of slowed growth of facial hair, breasts definitely hurting and holding shape, a more calmed demeanor, etc.  But nothing drastic yet, people who haven't seen me in months, don't notice a difference yet.  I am just going to take my time.  Slowly build a wardrobe, slowly practice makeup techniques, and if a chance arises for me to be in more girl mode or not worry about being seen wearing a bra, I will take it.  This past weekend one of my best friends and her mother came over because her mom sells Mary Kay.  She gave me and my wife a demo of some products and we played with makeup colors.  But at the end I said it could be a year or so before I need any makeup.  I realized that I was really ok with that.  In time, the noticeable changes will come.  In time I will hopefully be more passable with little effort.  Whether it is a few months from now or a few years from now, I know it will come.  I know I'm on the correct path.  I know who I am and I am willing to wait for it.  I want to make it clear that this is my path.  This is how I am taking it.  At this moment in time this is the correct course for me.  It may not be for anyone else, but it is for me.

Almost 4 Months

It has almost been 4 months since starting HRT.  I can't believe how fast 4 months have passed.  Not much in the changing department.  My breast are growing slowly, but boy do they hurt.  Every time a chill runs through my body it feels like lightning bolts are shooting out my nipples.  I have been progressively getting colder.  I wear a fleece jacket almost all the time and I'm still cold, I can't wait till it warms up outside.  Hair growth has been interesting.  It seems to be slow growing some days and others it is growing like wild fire.  My chest hair has continued to be slow growing which is good, I only have to shave my chest every other day.  My leg hair seems to go in spurts... one moment it's taking longer to grow and the next I'm a wookie... guess this is the joys of the hormones leveling out.  Arm hair is taking longer to grow.  Facial hair has stayed the same: slow growing with straight razor, slightly less normal growth with electric razor.  Too bad I can't use a straight razor every day, but I get major razor burn by the second day.  My metabolism has seemed to change a bit, I'm eating more, but not gaining weight... staying about the same.  I do need to start exercising though, I bought some cute shirts from Vicky's but I need to lose my love handles.  This past Sunday I discovered how helpful bras really are.  We went to Easter service at my great-aunt's church and I wore a suit in total boy mode.  Without having a bra on, my A's were jiggling a little bit and my nipples were rubbing against the fabric of my shirt causing major discomfort, plus they were cold without a bra on.  I think that's it on my HRT progress.

And a very happy note, one of my best friends messaged me today.  Her mom, who sells Mary Kay and knows about me, offered to do a sit down and teach me some makeup tips and try some different foundations.   I am so excited!!! We are doing it this Saturday and it's gonna be loads of fun. I can not wait.

Emotional Wreck

This past weekend ended up being a perfect storm of emotions.  Unfortunately caught in the path was my wife.  As I have posted before, I have been quitting smoking.  I was doing really good.  I put on my last patch on this past Tuesday and then was nicotine for the first time in a very long time.  But part of me felt this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it was going to be this time.  I thought things were going great since I hadn't cheated on the patch like I have in the past.  But my emotions were reaching a boiling point.

A couple of weeks ago, I accompanied my wife to an OBGYN appointment.  As I had stated a long while ago in a post, she found out she had fibroids in her uterus.  For those that don't know, fibroids are non cancerous tumors.  First only one was found of a decent size but of not much concern.  Many women get fibroids and they can be easily treated or dissolve on their own.   At the time when it was found we were told it could be problematic for us to get pregnant.  And at that time we weren't going to try for kids anyway, so no worries.  Last year it was discovered that the fibroid had grown and now had friends.  Still not uncommon, but would make it near impossible for us to have kids, which we just started to think about having.  So with the near impossibility and me wanting to start transitioning we made the final decision to not even try for kids.  If we ever changed our minds, we could always adopt.  Fast forward to a couple weeks ago.  My wife was starting to feel discomfort from the fibroid.  Apparently it's growth has gone into hyper-drive. We went to her OBGYN and discussed our options with the doctor.  We had two options: 1. To do a bunch of tests to determine its full size and impact on her uterus and try to carefully remove it and any other problematic ones and risk the chance of damaging her uterus or 2. Have a hysterectomy and completely remove the uterus and no longer risk the fibroids coming back or turning into cancerous cells.  Since we didn't want to have kids we opted for option 2, the hysterectomy.  This means surgery and her being out of work recovering for anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months depending on which method they are able to remove the uterus with.  So my emotions are a wreck from worrying about her.  Its a surgery that she will be put under for and I don't want to lose her.  I love her so much and fear complications with the surgery, even though I know hysterectomies have become fairly routine with little risk.  But there is always risk even if it is a little.  Also I am worried about our finances with her being on short term disability for 3 weeks to 2 months.  That means she will only be taking home 60% of her normal paycheck.  Things are tight as it is, I have a plan to save before her surgery to offset the difference, but it is still stressful.

To add on to my emotions, work has sucked lately.  I work in Real Estate and the market hasn't really been that great.  I'm an Admin and Marketing person.  So I work for a bunch of brokers.  Since deals aren't closing, the brokers are depressed and upset and they have been taking it out on me.  They focus there issues on me.  I tend to adopt emotions that are around me and my past review reflected that when I was told I was being to negative in the office.  But it is really difficult to be upbeat when you are being shit on from all directions at work.  It is hard to keep a smile on your face when someone is blaming you for their mistakes.  I am supposed to smile and nob when I am bitched at for trying to fix their issues.  So that is stressing me mega time.

Also, just recently my father-in-law was laid off again.  He works in construction and unfortunately like the real estate market things have been slow.  So when projects end and other ones don't start for weeks or months, he gets laid off.  My mother-in-law doesn't work due to health issues she has been having.  So I am worried about them.  Then this past week, my father called me to tell me he has been laid off.  He works in thermal coatings and that is a tough business to be in.  He is really good at what he does, but doesn't really play the politics and that hurts him every time.  The weasels and suck ups always stay on no matter how bad they are at their job and my father gets laid off.  My mom isn't working.  She hasn't work since they moved back to CT after my father got laid off from the previous job.  So I am also worried about them.  I am so worried about both sets of parents.  I wish I could help them, but my wife and I aren't in a good financial spot either due to too much debt.

Then there's the stress of transitioning.  This is something I have really wanted.  To finally feel comfortable in my body.  Progress is slow but it has its fears.  My in-laws are talking about taking us on all these trips when my father-in-law goes back to work.  Mainly to Disney and the big concern I have is what happens when they want to go to one of the water parks.  I'm not passable now, but I am growing breasts.  How will I cover that.  How do I keep from the stares and fears.  By the time any of this happens I could pass.  It is a long time out, but still have the fear.

And finally with the hormones, I am going through a second puberty.  My emotions are already all over the place due to the hormones.  This all boiled over this weekend.  I was losing it.  I was snapping at my wife for no reason.  Getting pissed and angry for no reason.  The littlest things were setting me off.  I really wanted a cigarette but my wife didn't want to start back up again.  Neither did I, but I wasn't thinking straight.  We picked up more patches, just in case, but my wife didn't want me to use them either.  She wanted me to come up with another healthier vice to my emotional stress.  But all I could think about was having nicotine in my system.  Which caused more issues between us.  I was angry and sad and depressed.  I felt like a failure for wanting a cigarette.  I felt like I was losing myself.  Finally she told me to put a patch on.  I did and after about 2 hours, the emotions started pouring out.  I was crying.  I realized how much of an ass I was, how much I was hurting her emotionally.  The damage was done.  I treated her like shit.  I tried to apologize, but with how I acted it was hard to accept.  I know she has stress too and worries.  I felt like the worst person in the world.  We barely talked last night before bed and hardly said much to each other on our drives into work.  I feel so horrible for how I acted.  Why can't I control myself without nicotine?  If I go off the patch again I fear what I will become.  I fear I will become a bitter, mean, asshole who may risk losing his wife.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to lose my wife.  I love her so much, if I were to lose her, there would be no point to anything anymore.

Sorry for the long post, but I am still very emotional.  I should be writing more often so I don't keep all of this bottled up and have it boil over again.  I really hope my emotions normalize, I really don't like being on this roller coaster.

Update 3/11/13

Sorry it's been a bit since I have updated.  Life has been crazy lately.  Been having major tooth issues that resulted in 3 weeks of pain, which lead to the tooth being pulled, and now a dry socket formed where the tooth was.  All equals major pain.  To the point it made it hard to focus.  Plus with all that going on, my wife and I were working on a local high school's production of Guys & Dolls.  We started out as light designers, which we have done for the school for the past 10ish years, and ended up also being costumers.  Opening night was this past Saturday.  It was one of the worst openings I have seen in a long time.  First the opening night was supposed to be Friday night, but due to a snow storm it got pushed back a day.  So there were issues with getting seats for people who had tickets for Friday who wanted to use them on Saturday, one of the follow spot operators didn't show up (so since I was there I ran spot), the stage left stage manager also didn't show up, we had a few costume issues, actors forgot lines, and to top it all off... the fire alarm got pulled during the second act due to a suspicious odor in the lobby.  Hopefully the rest of the run will be good.

As for a hormone update: I am noticing I am way more emotional.  The littlest things set me off.  I am in tears at a drop of a hat.  Still slight changes in the face, but not much and hardly noticeable.  I am definitely up to an A cup and still growing.  I have noticed my bits have shrunk a bit more and I think all my sperm is dead.  Only a clear liquid comes out now.  Also it takes some work to get it up.  I think that is about it for changes.

Update 2/21

It has been about a month and a half since I started hormones. On Tuesday my Endo called and upped my dosage of Spiro due to good blood work results. I'm now up to 200 mg. Since starting hormones, I'm beginning to really notice changes. My beard is coming in less and less. I've noticed my breasts are starting to hold their shape. I've been wearing bras off and on for about 8 years, which already had given me a decent A cup, but now I'm really noticing a strong A shape and slowly starting to fill a bra. My skin is starting to soften now. I really notice it on my arms. I also think I'm noticing slight changes in my face. My emotions are a roller coaster ride. As my wife puts it, I can get really bitchy. I've also noticed I'm easily on the verge of tears more often for no reason. I still don't have much of a libedo. When I do feel in the mood it doesn't last long. And when my wife and I do try to have sex, it takes almost 10 minutes to get me hard. I feel so bad that I am rarely in the mood. I know my wife has needs and I feel horrible that I haven't been filling them. I hope once I balance out things will get better.