Hiding

Now that my parents and my in-laws know that I'm transgender, I have decided it is time to stop hiding.  I have added my real google+ profile as an admin for this blog.  I have linked this blog to my real google+ account.  If anyone stumbles upon it, so be it.  It's time to start letting everyone see the real me.  Still not ready for any work collegues to know or my grandmother & great aunt, but at somepoint.

Coming Out Update

So last night my wife and I went over to my parent's house for dinner.  We were going to tell them that I am transgender.  We picked up pizza and headed over to their house.  I was very nervous.  I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best.  As we ate I was getting second thoughts of telling them, but knew I had to.  We chatted about other stuff while we ate.  We moved to the living room after dinner to talk more.  After about a half an hour of talking it was time to tell them.  I didn't know how to say it so I just said it.  After the initial silence they said they already kind of knew.  They said the signs had always been there.  They told me they loved me and would accept me no matter what.  We talked some more about what I was planning on doing and such.  By 9:30pm we were tired so we finished talking and my wife & I went home.  They accepted me... they still love me... they gave me big hugs before we left.  It felt like a weight has been lifted.  No more hiding.

Changing Plans

In a post yesterday I said I was going to be telling my parents about me on Sunday.  Well my uncle screwed up those plans by deciding at the last minute to have a family cookout.  Ugh.  So my wife and I have upped out date of telling them to tonight.  It gives me less time to over think, but still very nervous.  Fingers crossed that this goes well.

LGBT pride month: The global celebrations in pictures

http://theweek.com/article/slide/229774/lgbt-pride-month-the-global-celebrations-in-pictures#

 

Medellin transgender exhibition goes virtual

http://colombiareports.com/events-nightlife/medellin/24837-medellin-transgender-exhibition-goes-virtual.html

 

Yet Another Step

Today my wife asked me if we could tell her mom about me.  No time like the present, right?  So my wife called her mom and asked her to stop over tonight so we could talk.  Her mom was worried about what we were going to talk about so she convinced my wife to just tell her over the phone.  My wife told her mom that I was a cross-dresser and would be taking steps to become more physically feminine.  This was the best way to explain it to her since they really wouldn't understand Transgender and they have a friend who is a cross-dresser.  Her mom's response: "Oh we know that."  Really? Is everyone just waiting for me to admit it to them?  Were they just waiting for me to acknowledge the elephant in the room?  I'm so happy.  A huge weight has been lifted.  I can be myself at home now (my in-laws live next door to us - we share a duplex).  No more hiding my painted toes.  No more taking off the bra to remove any show of breasts.  No more having to hide wearing a skirt.  No more changing to more boyish shoes.

Next step is telling my parents.  We will be doing this on Sunday.  I'm very nervous about that, but hope I get the same response that I've been getting from everyone else.  Everyone has said they already knew and have been very accepting and supportive.

Stonewall Inn

http://glaad.tumblr.com/post/26070441983/43-years-after-the-uprising-at-the-stonewall-inn

Pics from NYC Pride Parade 2012

Thought I would share the few pictures of me out at the NYC Pride Parade this past Sunday.

Me waiting for the train for NYC

 At the parade with two great friends and my wonderful wife

 Me and my wife

Planning

How does one plan for the unknown and the unexpected?  How does one know how they will feel in a month, a year, in five years, in ten?  The answer seems so hard.  It seems impossible.  But if you take steps, baby steps, and follow your heart it is not so hard and not so impossible.  Also take each day at a time.  Life will throw curve balls, but if you open up and discuss each step, you will be prepared for the unexpected.

My wife and I had a very long talk last night.  We discussed our fears, our worries, and our hopes.  She was afraid she was loosing the man she married.  She was afraid that I was going to become a different person entirely.  She worried that our lives would be turned upside down.  Those are valid fears and worries.  But I am not changing who I am on the inside.  I am not changing our lives, I am making it more truthful and open.  I will be able to look in the mirror and see my inner self on the outside.  I will still come home and make dinner.  I will still be doing dishes and laundry.  We will still lounge on the couch and catch up on our shows on the DVR.  Once I begin HRT, I will hopefully get the girlish figure back that I had when we first started dating.  And hopefully have a more of a feminine face so makeup won't be a necessity.   I will still be wearing my girl jeans, but I'll just look better in them.  I won't be walking around in foofy dresses and 5" heels.  I won't be dressed to the nines everyday or every week.  I will still be me, just a bit more feminine looking.  I'll get to wear the shoes I want without weird looks.  I may wear more girly shirts and a bra, but instead of wearing them at home I can wear them out.  I may wear a skirt on occasion, but nothing frilly or gaudy.   And we can plan each step so we are each comfortable and it's not a whirl wind. 

Being such an introvert, I have issues with spontaneity and going out of my comfort zone.  So planning for what will come next is a relief to me.  We can discuss various scenarios and how we can handle them.  As long as there is an open dialogue with how we feel and how we want to handle things, nothing will be impossible.  Will I change, yes on the outside but no on the inside.  Not who I am.  I will still make goofy jokes.  I will still take an hour to get ready in the morning (maybe more if I am going out as a girl and I need makeup).  But the core of who I am will never change.  Will this be difficult?  No doubt there will be challenges.  But we can face them.

And it is very important to remember that it is not just me going through this.  She is part of my life and is my life.  She will have challenges with me.  When I'm hurt, she's hurt.  This is a journey we are taking together.  And we will take the steps together.  It is my belief that this will only make us stronger.  We have dealt with tough times and persevered, this will be no different.

Self Image

As I am taking more steps to becoming a woman, my self image is becoming skewed.  I do not like seeing my male face & body in the mirror, but when I try on clothes all I see is my male body in women's clothes.  I need to find a way to break out of this.  I need to find a way to fix my self image.  Maybe this is just part of my journey?  Like the awkward teenage stage?  Or maybe it is because I have yet to develop a style?  But it seems to be a vicious cycle: I can't develop a style because my self image is skewed and I can't fix my self image until I find clothes to wear, but I'm afraid to try on clothes due to my self image right now.  I need to break this cycle some how.  One thought is to go to one of my best friends houses and ask her to let me just try on all sorts of styles.  To see how different clothes fit and look on me.  I have to make sure I put makeup on though so I don't have a male face looking back at me.  Maybe I can also have her or my wife take photos so I can then have a good reference.  Hmmmm... maybe that will work.  Anything is worth a try. ;)

Pronouns

As I have opened up and come out to some people the question of pronouns has come up.  I didn't know the answer.  I tended to change the topic before giving a real answer.  Then on Sunday at the parade I was referred to as "she".  That started me thinking.  It felt right.  To be referred to as she.  Since then I have been off and on debating the pronoun question.  I think I'm ready to have my pronouns change in reference to me.  I'm ready to be referred to as a woman.  At least amongst friends that know.

Afraid of the Mirror

I thought as I became more accepting of myself, my fear of my reflection would go away.  Not the fear of the male reflection... I still hate having a male face look back at me, but I also fear my reflection when I dress as a woman and have makeup on.  When I try on clothes in front of a mirror, I fear I will just look like a man in woman's clothes.  When I put on makeup I fear that I will do it wrong and just look like a man wearing makeup.  Just a statement, there is nothing wrong with the Drag artform, but it is not my style and I fear that style.  Maybe fear isn't the right word.  Drag is meant to be over the top.  I want to be subtle and blend in the background.  But I look in the mirror and I think I've gone over the top.  Maybe it's because I haven't developed a style.  Maybe it's because I'm still learning to put on makeup.  I don't know.  I just don't know.

An Emotional Crazy Few Days

As I posted last week, me, my wife and two great friends decided to go to the pride parade in NYC.  After some internal debate and very little convincing by my wife and friends I decided to go out as a woman.  This was exciting, scary, and nerve racking all at the same time.

So many things were swirling in my head:  What was I going to wear?  I need to pick up makeup supplies.  How was I going to do my hair?  What if I'm not passable?  What if I get outed and something bad happened?  How was I going to handle the drive to the train station?  How was I going to handle the train, the subway, the walk to the parade?

I also had so many emotions running through me:  Fear for not being passable.  Fear of being judged.  Fear of danger to myself, my wife, my friends.  But also excitement.  Excitement for going out in public for the first real time as a woman.  Excitement for being a woman for a whole day.

From Friday night to Sunday night it was a whirlwind.  So much to do and so little time.  Friday night my wife and I went with one of my best friends clothes shopping for an outfit for Sunday.  It was very difficult trying to find clothes when I haven't developed a style yet.  We guessed on my size for the clothes we picked out.  No idea what would fit and what would look good on me.  I didn't want to look like a man wearing women's clothes.  I wanted to look like a woman wearing women's clothes.  That was a huge challenge.  I bought about 4 shirts and 4 skirts.  After buying clothes, we headed to the mall.  I needed to pickup some makeup supplies from Macy's MAC counter.  I was so nervous.  I brought my list with me and went to the counter to try to get the stuff.  I forgot to write down the color I needed and could not remember it.  After a couple of awkward moments of trying to find a way to get the makeup, I just opened up and told the woman that was helping me that the makeup was for me.  After opening up, you to just feel the tension break and it was so much easier.  The woman was so nice.  She seemed so excited to help me.  She was explaining what each color could do and she convinced me to let her try a few things.  We spent about 20 mins going over what would work best and she explained how to apply it.  I bought a setting spray and a powder.  She also gave me a sample of liquid foundation (since they did not have any in stock).  She gave me enough of a sample to help me make it through Sunday.  After getting makeup, we headed to Claires to find accessories.  I ended up getting a cute necklace and matching earrings.  After that we dropped my friend at her house and headed home.

Saturday was a crazy long day.  I got up around 6am to get my day started.  Before I could leave the house to run errands I had to get dishes and laundry done since we were not going to be home the rest of the weekend.  By 8:30am, laundry and dishes were done.  Time to get errands done.  First we had to drop my car off for an oil change.  After that we were supposed to go to my friends house to show her the clothes I got and try to figure out what would work or if she had anything I could borrow.  Our schedules were not matching up that morning so on to the next errand.  We went to another friends house to try and fix my laptop.  A couple of weeks earlier, one of our cats accidentally knocked over my glass of red wine all on my laptop causing the screen to go dark.  So one of our friends offered to help me diagnose and try to fix my laptop.  We spent about 3 hours pulling my laptop apart and trying to troubleshoot it.  We discovered it was a part for the backlight.  A $7 dollar part.  So I ordered the part and put my laptop back together.  Now it was time to go pick up my car.  We got my car and headed home.  By the time we got home, the friend I was trying to meet up with to go over clothes was home and we headed over.  That was very overwhelming.  We wear roughly the same size and she owns a lot of clothes.  She kept tossing me a ton of options.  It was kind of like being a kid in a candy store and being told you can have it all.  My head started spinning.  So we settled on a few outfits that would be good for the Pride parade and we headed home to try them on.  The hardest thing for me to do is to try on clothes when I'm not wearing makeup.  I really look like a guy in women's clothes.  A sight that I have issues seeing.  I was starting to feel defeated.  I just wanted to give up and cry.  But I pulled myself together and decided to pack up all the options and bring them with me to my friends house that we were going to stay over at before the parade.  So I packed up all the clothes and got my makeup kit together and headed to my friends house.   She is the one who suggested going to the parade.  When we got there, I was very nervous to try on clothes and practice my makeup.  But by 10pm, I got up the nerve and first tried doing my makeup myself.  That was such a fail.  I did great on the foundation and powder, but (as my wife put it) made a rookie mistake with the eye shadow and lipstick.  So I was feeling defeated again and wanted to cry.  They convinced me to wash it off and try again.  So this time I did the foundation and powder.  I stopped there and then tried on clothes.  This way I didn't have my male face looking back at me in the mirror.  We settled on a cute yellow shirt and brown skirt.  Now it was time to finish up my makeup.  My friend and wife were trying to explain to me the best eyeshadow color and lip color for looking natural and being out during the day instead of the night.  We settled on a greenish eyeshadow and a like pink lipstick and a light pink blush.  It looked really good.  By this time it was midnight and we had to get to bed.  We had to be up early to get ready and head to NYC for the parade.

Sunday, the day of the parade.  I could barely sleep the night before (nerves and excitement).  My alarm was set for 6am, but I was mostly awake from 4:30am.  I got out of bed at 6am to start my prepping for the parade.  I was first up so I was first in the bathroom.  First thing to do was a really close shave on my face.  So I opted for a straight razor instead of electric.  I kept hoping I wouldn't cut myself.  No cuts, so onto the shower.  I had to also do touch up shaving on my legs, arms, and pits.  Luckily I did a full shave the previous morning so it didn't take to long.  Now onto getting dressed.  I was so nervous.  Not from really putting on the clothes, but from having my friends husband and daughter see me dressed as a girl for the first time.  But I sucked it up and got dressed.  Had to have a cigarette after that to calm my nerves.  After calming down my nerves it was time to get the foundation and powder done.  Amazingly I'm getting good at the foundation and powder.  Must be all those years of doing makeup in theatre ;)  After getting the foundation done it was hurry up and wait.  Had to wait for the other friend going with us to get there to do my hair.  She blew dry and flat ironed my hair.  It looked really good.  Then she did my eye makeup.  I put on the lipstick and my wife did my blush.  Now for the final touches, earrings and necklace.  Now I am complete.  Just have to wait for everyone else to get ready.  The waiting was the hardest because it gave me time to think and get nervous about driving as a girl and just in general being nervous about being out in public as a woman.  8:45am came and it was time to hit the road.  Four of us piled into the car and headed to the train station.  It took us about an hour to get to the train station in Stamford.  I was very nervous getting out of the car.  This was a big big step for me.  We got out of the car and started walking to the platform.  I was trying so hard not to think as I walked.  I tried to have confidence and not worry about people seeing me.  Getting to the train was successful.  So far so good, no weird looks or confrontations.  I was starting to think I could pull this off.  We boarded the train and it was already packed.  One seat open for the four of us.  So my wife and one of our friends took turns sitting while the other two of us stood the hour train ride to the city.  Another success, no one was staring or giving weird looks.  I was pulling this off.  Just can't talk or it will give me away.  Good thing I'm normally very quite so it wasn't hard to just not talk.  We arrive at Grand Central Station and now it was time to find the subway to head to the parade route.  After about 5 mins we found which subway to take and headed to Union station at 4th Ave and 14th St.  As we stepped onto the street, again the nerves hit me.  Was I ready for this?  Am I ready for the world to see me as the woman I am inside.  I sucked it up and hit the street.  We headed up a few blocks to the corner of 14th St and 5th Ave.  We found the parade route.  My wife and I stood and waited for the parade to start as our two other friends went and got food.  The parade was coming.  I was overwhelmed at the amount of people.  I could not believe all the people here to support such a great cause.  My emotions were in overload.  All these people supporting the LGBT community.  I felt so at home.  The nerves went away.  The fear was gone.  I could be who I am.  I wanted to cry happy tears.  The parade was amazing.  I could not get over the number of sponsored floats: Coca Cola, Delta, AT&T, Universal, and so many others.  It was amazing that these large corporations supported the LGBT community.  I was awe struck.  I only had one uncomfortable moment.  We were standing next to a line of people waiting to cross the street and in one of the groups was a guy that was just staring at me.  He made me nervous.  I started to get worried.  But then after a few moments that seemed like an eternity, he turned around and watched the parade.  Then it was time for him to cross the street.  Thank god he was gone.  That was the only uncomfortable moment the whole day.  A few hours into the parade we decided to head to the Stonewall Inn to watch the rest of the parade.  I don't know how many blocks we walked, but I felt so comfortable walking around NYC as a woman and didn't have to worry about being myself.  It was amazing walking through Greenwich Village.  This was my wife's and mine first time walking through there.  It was such a loving happy atmosphere.  No weird looks from people,  I fit in.  We made it to across from the Stonewall Inn.  Many emotions flooded in me.  Watching the parade from this spot was great.  The atmosphere was so emotionally charged.  A great moment was when my wife and I wanted to have a cigarette.  We backed up to a fence to sit down and a woman next to us moved her bag and said "She can sit down too".  She as in me.  She called me a she.  This was the first time I had been called a she.  I was so happy.  I fit in and I can be myself.  By 5pm we were all tired and decided to head back to Union Station and head home.  Again I felt so comfortable walking around the streets of NYC as a woman.  I really felt I had nothing to worry about.  We got to the subway and made it to Grand Central Station with about 7 mins to make it to the train to head home or we'd have to wait an hour for the next one.  We ran through the station and made it to the train just in time.  Luckily we were able to get seats this time.  God my feet were killing me.  It took us about an hour to get to Stamford.  Then we got in the car and headed back to my friends house.  I was said for the day to be over.  When we got to my friends house, I had to remove the makeup and change clothes.  It was a little depressing looking in the mirror to see my male face again and putting on my male clothes.  But I was back to my male self.  My wife and I made it home by about 9:30pm and ate dinner and passed out in bed.

The whole time I felt so lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive wife.  I know how hard this weekend was for her.  There were no slow baby steps for her.  We were moving a lightening speed.  It was a lot for her to process in such a little time.  I know she wasn't ready to do this and go to the parade.  But she knew how good it would be for me to do this, so she encouraged me and agreed to go to the parade.  We did agree to slow down a little bit just so we have time to process everything.  She was so amazing all weekend.  Staying up late, standing and walking for as much as we did for the parade.  Trying to protect me while we were in NYC to make sure nothing bad happened to me.  I am so blessed.  I love her so much.

Fear to Excitement

As I posted yesterday, me, my wife and a bunch of friends are going to the Pride parade in NYC on Sunday.  At first I was scared to go.  I wasn't sure whether to go as a boy or as a girl.  I finally decided to go as a girl.  Making that decision really scared me.  It is a giant step for me.  Going out in public as a girl for the first real time.  What if I can't pull it off?  What if my voice gives me away?  My head was swirling.  But over the course of my drive home from work, my fear was starting to turn to excitement.  I started thinking of all the things I needed to do before Sunday to go out as a girl.  I have to get some makeup supplies.  I need to figure out what to wear.  Luckily one of my best friends is about the same size as me, so either tonight or tomorrow morning I will be raiding her closet to try to find an outfit to wear.  I also needed to figure out shoes.  Which I think I figured out this morning.  I'm going to wear the new gladiator style sandals I got on Wednesday.  It will be a good chance to really break them in.  But I will also bring my Vibram toe shoes with me to change into when my feet start killing me.  I'm so excited.   I have to practice my makeup on Saturday to prepare for Sunday.   I can not wait.

Impromptu Trip

So I was talking to one of my best friend's today.  She was talking to me about going to Provincetown sometime this year, then the idea of going to a pride parade came up.  We were talking about when the next one in NYC is and it turns out it is this Sunday.  After asking my wife if we could go, we are now going.  It will be me and about 4 girl so far.  I've never been to a pride parade before.  This is going to be fun.  Now to decide to go as a boy or girl.... hmmmmm... decisions decisions. ;)

More Steps

More steps in my journey have been taken yesterday.  One of my best friends texted me asking if it was ok to tell her kids.  This was something I had been debating for a while.  Whether or not to let my friends tell their kids.  I was unsure how it would go.  But I figured I can't keep it hidden forever so I said yes.  I found out they took it very well.  One was afraid that they could no longer come over our house, which of course they still can.  The other wanted to know if she could do my makeup, paint my nails, and play barbies with her.  I just wanted to cry happy tears when I heard that.  Then when I went over, my friends son came up to me and said "I know, and it's ok to feel that way."  I just wanted to melt.  I love how accepting kids are.

Also I received my Victoria Secret order last night.  I got my first bikini (which as I said in an earlier post, that I always felt uncomfortable wearing men's swim trunks and having a bare chest), a pair of women's open toed sandals (kind of gladiator style), and a makeup kit (so I can start practicing putting on makeup).  I put on the sandals as soon as I got them and wore them to my friends house.  They wore obviously woman's sandals and you could see my green painted toe nails.  I felt so comfortable wearing them.  I also tried on the bikini I got.  This was the first time I ever put on a bikini.  At first I wasn't sure.  I looked in the mirror and realized I need to loose a little more weight (at least in my eyes).  My wife thinks I look good in it.  I just wish my but looked better and I wish my face was more feminine.  Guess I gotta really practice at putting on makeup so when I do try on stuff, I don't see a guy wearing women's clothes in the mirror.  :)

Another step is my wife just told me they are having a mandatory meeting at work for the new law that prevents discrimination against transgender.  She is going to share our story during the training.  I'm so proud of her for her courage to open up.

Transgender rock star speaks for first time

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2161686/Tom-Gabel-transgender-punk-band-Against-Me-talks-support-wife-family.html

Another Step

Last night I took another step in my journey of transitioning.  I had my first therapy session.  I was very nervous.  I am very introverted, so talking about myself is not easy for me.  My wife came with me as my transition affects her too.  The session went better than I thought it would.  As it went on I started to feel more comfortable talking.  I was actually a little disappointed when the session ended.  I look forward to my next session in a couple weeks.  I feel this will help open up the communication lines with my wife and I am looking forward to being more comfortable talking about myself and being myself.  My therapist gave me a few "homework" assignments between sessions: find and try a support group (to be able to talk with other people going through what I am and to start going out as a woman.  I'm not sure I'm ready yet to go out in public as a woman, but I think to get to that point I need to hang out with my friends as a woman.  Unfortunately this weekend I can't due to other plans, but maybe next weekend I can convince some of my friends to get together and I can present myself as a woman at one of their houses. 

Does Everyone Know?

It seems that whom ever I come out to, or others out for me have the same response.  "Oh, we knew that."  It comes as no surprise to anyone.  Was I subconsciously projected my true self for others to see?  Was I dropping hints that I wasn't aware I was dropping?  However it was, it has made it easier to start being myself.  So far everyone that has been told has been super supportive and accepting.  I used to think that people just tolerated me being around.  I used to feel like I wasn't good enough for the people I hung out with and they only invited me to be nice.  But as my friends try to tell me, I'm important in their lives and they love me.  I'm now realizing that what they say is true and I'm starting to believe it.  I never thought I made a difference.  But I guess I do.  I am very blessed with the circle of friends I have.  I just want to cry happy tears for how blessed I am to have them in my life.

The Wish

Since I was 13 years old, I had the desire to be female.  But I never fully admitted it to myself.  Even though I didn't admit it, every night as I went to bed I made a wish.  At first I kept it simple and just wished to be a girl.  As I got older, I began to make the wish a little more complicated.  I think I am making these wishes to save myself from some of the stress and hardships that can come from transitioning.  The wish has evolved over time and as it stands now, it goes like this:  "I wish, I prey, I ask that I may become a woman.  Whenever, where ever I want for as long as I want.  And I may turn back into myself when needed.  As a woman everyone would think they have always known me as a woman."  I know wishes like this won't ever come true.  I know there is no magical way to transition.  No spell or wish or magic pill or machine.  But it seems that the essence of the wish is coming true.  I have accepted myself as transgender and ready to take the step to transition.  And it seems that everyone I open up to about it says they already knew.

The Middle

Taking the journey to accept yourself as transgender is a difficult one.  It can be hard on your emotions and your mental state.  But this journey can also be hard on the ones around you, especially if you are married.  My wife, as I've stated before, knew who I was before we got married.  She has always been accepting and supportive of me.  Also knowing how introverted I am, I believe she didn't ever think I would be ready to move on and take the next steps.  I didn't ever believe I would have progressed this far in my acceptance of myself.  I never thought I would come out to anyone, write about myself, or even talk openly about me being transgender.  I wouldn't have thought I would dress up and let one of my friends do my makeup.  But as I talk more about it and open out, I've moved forward in my journey.  This can add more stress onto a marriage.  It didn't help that I kept this blog from my wife for so long.  I was afraid to have her see what I've been going through and afraid I would loose her.  But I am not loosing her.  She is still very supportive of me. 

There are many challenges that come with being married and being transgender.  My wife and I are a perfect fit.  Not just emotionally, but physically also.  So when we discussed about my transitioning, I can understand her hesitance of me having gender reassignment surgery and loosing my penis.  But that day is very far in the future and may never come at all.  There are many challenges that not just impact me, but her as well.  How will our families take the news, what about my work?  In Connecticut, transgender is protected against discrimination.  It would be illegal for my company to fire me if I came out as transgender, but that still wouldn't prevent it being awkward or difficult.  Where we stand financially, we could not afford for me to loose my job if they found a way to let me go without it looking like discrimination.  For the time being we have reached a compromise that I am very comfortable with.  We have agreed to first go to therapy, which I need to do anyway before I can get hormone replacement therapy.  Then if my therapist clears me for hormone replacement, we agreed I can proceed with it.  But for now, that will be as far as I go.  I may not present as female all the time, but about 80% of the time.  I will still present myself as male at work and with family, but I will present as female when we are with my friends or go out somewhere.  I am fully fine with this.  With my introverted personality, I need these baby steps.  I know going through HRT will start making me more feminine, but if I mix that with exercise and diet, the changes won't be as noticeable as fast so I can still present as male when I need to, and present as female when I want to. 

Taking these baby steps, will also make it easier for us in the near future (1 or 2 years), to try to conceive a child.  When my wife and I first started dating, we both agreed that we didn't want children.  But soon after I had changed my mind.  I did want at least one child, but my wife still didn't want children.  As my friends started having kids, the desire to have a child grew.  Men don't have a biological clock, but I did and boy was it ticking.  After one of our friends just had a baby and my wife got to be around her, my wife had changed her mind.  If I was willing to put off having GRS or not have it at all, my wife was willing to have kids.  But it's not just putting off GRS that changed her mind, it was seeing how my friends kids acted with being brought up in a loving home and seeing how the fathers acted, her knowing how I would act, that changed her mind.  She could see how great of a family we would make and now she wants that too.  I know having a child with one parent who is transgender will be difficult.  It will be hard to explain to them why their daddy is different.  But we are ready for that.  As one of my best friends put it "You guys are gonna be the best moms ever".  :)

The Struggle

As the more accepting I get with myself, the more I feel the desire to pursue transition.  However it will bring many challenges for me and my wife.  My wife knew who I was before she married me.  I think she knew more than I did.  She has been very supportive of me, but I have had this fear of talking to her about how I feel about myself.  It is not that she is hard to talk to, it is that I have had many people that I have cared about leave me.  I do not want to loose her.  We have been together for 7, almost 8 years.  We just had our 5 year anniversary.  Over these years, she has become my world.  She means everything to me.  We are the perfect fit for each other.  If she were to ever leave me, my world would crumble and wouldn't be worth living.  I love her with all my heart.  I can't imagine a life without her.  I remember one dream I had where I was in an alternate reality where we had never met.  I spent the whole dream searching for her.  It was a nightmare that I couldn't be with her.  No matter how feminine my mind is and no matter how less attracted I become towards women.... I will always be attracted to her.  Her smile is the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen.  The way her eyes sparkle, just makes me melt.  I don't want to ever hurt her.  I don't want to make her frown or loose her sparkle.  I would give up my desires for her.  I have kept them bottled for 27ish years, and I'm willing to rebottle them for 50 plus more years.  Will it hurt, maybe a little, but it is a small price to pay to have her happy in my life.  I'm not saying that she is no longer supportive, I'm just saying that at any point she just wants me as I was... I will be that man.  Her love means so much to me.  I never want to loose that.  I never want a day to come where she is no longer with me.  Friends can come and go, but we are forever.

Another Step

Last night I contacted a therapist. I happen to know her from High School. She has agreed to see me and my wife. My appointment is Tuesday night. I'm a little scared, but it is time to take this step.

The Journey

For almost 27 years, I have traveled this journey to self awareness alone.  I don't know why I felt I had to do this alone.  Fear?  Afraid of loosing the ones I love.  Afraid they won't understand.  As I walked it alone, I festered depression and anxiety.  A darkness was present in me.  A growing self loathing.  One of my best friends convinced me to write.  That opened the flood gates of emotion.  All the self loathing and darkness flowed out.  But as I wrote I also began to heal.  I began to accept who I was.  Yet I still had moments of darkness and self loathing.  Then I talked openly to two of my best friends about me.  I began to heal more.  I could feel the darkness and self loathing dissipate. Over the past several months I have become more comfortable with who I am.  But I still had fear.  I was afraid to fully open up to my wife.  I was afraid of loosing her.  She is my world.  I would not be able to survive without her.  But through an inner battle, I decided to finally let her fully in.  First it was light conversation, showing her the picture of me fully as a girl.  Then I felt it was time to share this blog.  I should have shared it when I first started it, but again I was afraid.  Last night we had a more in-depth conversation.  She said she knew who I was before we got married.  She is very accepting of me.  She wants to walk this journey with me.  I was a fool for trying to hide myself.  I was a fool for not letting her in.  I was a fool for thinking I could make this journey on my own.  I know I hurt her from keeping this from her and not being open.  For that I am so sorry.  I look forward to walking this journey with her.  This journey is long and hard with many challenges.  No one should have to walk this alone.  I love you hun.

Be Yourself

Pandora's Box

I feel like Pandora's Box has been opened.  Before Saturday the desires where there... the knowing who I was was there.  But after Saturday, looking like a woman in front of one of my best friends who did my makeup and dressed me up, with no drugs to uninhibit me like the previous time, I want to do it more.  I feel like Saturday has added fuel to the fire.  I want to be a woman even more.  I want to look like that more often.  I want to dress like that more often.  I want the world to see me as I really am, instead of hiding it and staying male.  All I can think of is the next time I get to do it.  I want to work on my voice so it won't give me away.  I want to learn how to do my own makeup so I don't always have to rely on someone else.  I want to learn to do up my own hair so I don't have to wear a wig.  I want the next time I do this to be documented like a photo shoot.  Pandora's Box has been opened and I think there is no stopping it.  I love this feeling.  :)

Whirlwind

Since Saturday my mind has been a whirlwind.  I can't stop thinking of how I looked.  I want to do it again.  I was myself for the first time in a long while.  I want to look like that again.  I want to get my own makeup so I can start practicing.  I can't to go with my friends somewhere far away to go out as a girl.  I want to dress up for Halloween in a girls costume as a girl.  I want to spend more time a woman.  I want my reflection to match my inner self again.  I want to go shopping for accessories like necklaces, dangly earrings, and bracelets.  I want to get a woman's watch instead of my big man's one.  I want to wear a dress again.  My mind is spinning.  A new door has been opened in me and I never want it to shut... just open up more doors. ;)

A Dream Come True

Yesterday was an amazing day. It had been nine years since I had been made up to fully look like a woman. Thanks to my best friend and her understanding, she helped me look like the woman I feel inside. It was so surreal. I had a very hard time emotionally, looking at myself. I could not believe my eyes. I looked like a woman. For the first time in a very long time, my reflection looking back at me was the real me, it was how I am meant to look. It all felt so right and comfortable. I did not want the night to end. I was crying as I removed the makeup and the dress. I cried more as I put my male clothes on and saw my male body and face in the mirror. I hate my male outer appearance. I look forward to seeing my true self again. I hope it won't be long. And for the first time I have a picture of myself in my true form. I want to share that.

A Friend's Help

Today is the day. One of my best friends is making me over. She is teaching me about makeup as she applies it on me. After that she is going to do my hair and show me how to style it. Then to top it off, she is going to dress me up. I’m so excited. We have started the makeup, but got briefly interrupted. I can’t wait to resume and see the new me. Maybe for this brief moment in time, my outward appearance will match my inward self.

This Weekend

Have I mentioned I have amazing friends?  If not, then I have amazing friends.  So far the ones I've come out to have been very supportive.  This Saturday I get to hang out with one of them.  Her kids will be away and her husband will be working and my wife will be away with her mom.  This will give us the opportunity to have her "doll me up".  She's gonna teach me about make-up and how to style my hair... and maybe get dressed up too.  I can not wait.  I am so looking forward to it.  I haven't gone completely girl in front of anyone in about nine years.  I've always been too shy and nervous.  I'm not gonna let that get to me this time.  Only a few days to go.  :)

Caught

So I knew that sooner or later another of my friends was going to figure me out by certain posts on Facebook and Google+.  Well it happened this morning.  I posted about being comfortable in one’s skin and she commented that I was trying to get a message across from all my posts.  So I messaged her and admitted the truth.  That I am transgender.  That I hate being male and want to be female.  I hope she keeps my secret.  I’m not quite ready for the world to know yet.  Fingers crossed.