Sometimes you just need to wake up. You need to be see from an outside perspective of who you have become. You may not see it or allow yourself to see it. I didn’t realize how I have spiraled. I have let the negativity at my work consume me. And I didn’t do anything to stop it. I shut down and became complaisant. I let the depression seep back in and was becoming who I was and lost who I was finally supposed to be. I have become one who whines and bitches about situations without taking action. I cared only about avoiding confrontation. I became a “Whoa is me” person. I let myself fall without a care. But no more. My life will not fix itself. There is no magic button that will fix anything. I want to be that happy energetic full of life woman I was becoming.
I hate my job. I’ve made that clear, but I wasn’t doing anything to make it better. I just hoped an amazing job would fall in my lap. That’s not going to happen. I have to work for it. So this morning I applied for a couple of jobs and setup accounts on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com. Every day I will apply to at least 2 or three jobs. I will make this happen.
I bitch about being broke. It’s by no one’s fault but my own. My wife and I make great money. But we allowed ourselves to live way beyond our means. We racked up credit card debt without a care. We took expensive trips to Disney. I always said sure, no problem, just put it on the card. If we ran out of room on a card, we’d apply for another one. We have racked up to $87,000 in debt. That’s almost one full year of both our salaries combined. We were stupid and irresponsible. Now we are paying the price. We are in a debt management program, but still barely seeing the light. We are no discussing bankruptcy. Like I said, we make great money but didn’t manage it wisely and it hurt us. But I plan to work hard and get us out of this. One way or another.
I’ve lost who I am. I started this blog as an outlet to write. To get things off my chest. To share my journey of transition. I’ve become a person that just writes two lines bitching about something and never doing anything to fix it. I’m going to get myself back on track. No more “Whoa is Me”. I will share my successes instead of dwelling on failures. Everyone fails every now and then. I plan to suck it up and fix my life.
I am also going to try to look at the positive of every situation instead of dwelling on the negative. I get misgendered, but I’m not out full time. That is my own fault. If I want to be seen as a woman, I need to show them a woman. Not just hope it happens. I bitch about my parents always calling me son and he. But they have tried. I need to focus on that. They have called me daughter from time to time and have called me Bibi. I know it’s hard as they spent 34 years with a son and now have a daughter. I need to give them more time and also talk to them. Not just expect them to know what is going on without explanation.
Today I am taking the steps to get back on the right path. To where I’m supposed to be. And if I falter. Which I may, I hope I will receive another wake up call until it sinks in my thick skull.
Today is a new day.
Today I take back my life.
