Been Awhile

I know it has been a while since I have written.  Life and work have been busy for me.  Now to try to remember what has happened since last I wrote... hmmmm.

I've talked to my mom more about my transition.  Tried to explain it better for her to understand.  She is slowly understanding.  She is still fearful of my grandmother and great aunt finding out.  They are very religious and very old school.  Showed her the picture of me standing at the train station on my way to the pride parade in NYC dressed as a woman.  She seemed to handle it ok.  She made me show my father, he was hard to read on what he thought.  She also told my sister about the picture and so I showed her the pic last week.  She thought I looked cute.  She loved the shoes I had on.

A couple of weekends ago I got to hang out with my friend M.  We haven't hung out in several years but have been chatting on Google+.  My wife, myself, her and her fiance went out to dinner and then hung out at their place.  It was nice catching up over dinner.  This is the first time I got to really talk with her fiance.... he is really nice and easy to talk to.  After dinner we went back to their place to hang out.  M had me bring my makeup stuff with me so she could help me with some makeup techniques.  She was a big help.  We took the lesson nice and slow.  She had me apply the makeup while she explained how to apply it and why to do it a certain way.  I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.   I haven't had a chance to practice since then, but it is still fresh in my mind.  But if I forget she has offered to show me again, any time I need it.  The makeup techniques she showed me were more of a natural everyday makeup instead of a going out at night makeup. The makeup came out good.  She didn't have me apply much foundation or powder, which I think I need to apply more than normal right now since I have such a heavy five o'clock shadow.   Can't wait to practice more.  After the makeup lesson we sat and talked.  Getting caught up from the years apart.  Can't wait to hang out with her and her fiance again.  I hope we don't lose touch again.

January 4th is approaching quickly.  That is my first appointment with an endocrinologist to see about starting hormones.  I am scared and excited about this.  Excited that I'm taking the next step in my transition to be who I really am.  Scared that once the hormones start working and I start having visible changes that I will have to be fully out and still not sure how work will react.  Technically they can't fire me over it since we are in CT and there are anti discrimination laws against firing someone who is transgender.  Still scary, but I need to take this next step.

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I will probably not get a chance to write again until after my endocrinologist appointment.  If I don't Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.

Anything Other Than Straight (Link)

http://www.danoah.com/2012/11/anything-other-than-straight.html

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

New Clothes

So this past weekend I really needed new jeans, so my wife and I went to Old Navy and I actually found some cute jeans that fit perfectly.  These are the ones I got:

After I got them and of course worn them the rest of the weekend, I thought I really need some new tops.  Cute tops.  So I went online to Old Navy and looked through their shirts.  These are what I ordered and plus some purple tights (everyone needs purple tights ;P):

It all arrived yesterday afternoon.  I could not wait to get home and try on the clothes.  Of course there were two accidents on my way home that delayed me getting home.  But I finally got home and immediately went into the bedroom to try on my new clothes.  Everything fit great and looked great.  My favorites are the plaid shirts.  They are so comfy.  Took me a bit to get them on.... I got to get used to buttons being on the other side of the shirt.  

I decided to be daring and I am wearing the red and white plaid shirt with my new jeans to work. I think today is the first day I have worn all female clothes and not a stitch of male clothing to work.  They are not overly feminine so I don't have to worry about getting weird looks from the guys I work with.  I am just so excited that I am slowly building my new wardrobe.  I can not wait until I have more girl clothes than guy clothes.

Transition Update

It took me a bit to get up the nerve, but I called and scheduled a consult appointment to start on hormones.  My appointment is January 4th.  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  My wife is going to come with me for support.  Yay!!!

Mixed Emotions

I know it is has been awhile since I have written and I'm not writing as often as I was.  Life has been very crazy.  And until recently things were getting kind of stagnant.  Up until this weekend things were going very slow in regards to my transition.  Besides the Halloween party where I was out to everyone at the party and got to be the "Queen of Hearts", not much progress was happening with my transition.  I hadn't been practicing makeup or going out anywhere dressed.  I'd still put on a skirt at home, but that was it.  Just had been too tired to put in the effort with craziness at work and too much to do around the house.  But things are going to start picking up again soon with my transition.  Unfortunately it is due to some bad news my wife and I received on Saturday.

My wife had her annual OBGYN appointment Saturday morning.  Before her annual she had an ultrasound.  Last year her OBGYN had found a Fibroid.  At the time it was nothing to worry about, just something to monitor.  In February, my wife had a follow up ultrasound and they saw the Fibroid had grown.  Not by much but a little.  Again no huge concern, just monitor it and we were told that depending on if it grows more it could impact her getting pregnant if we decided to have kids.  Still at that time she hadn't changed her mind so it was no real concern.  This past Saturday they discovered that her Fibroid has grown a lot (it is almost 10 centimeters) and that she now has other Fibroids.... so instead of one large one, she has one large one and a bunch of little ones.  Due to the size of the large one it will definitely impact her chances of getting pregnant.  If she doesn't have it removed, the chances are slim that she could get pregnant and if by miracle she does, it is highly unlikely that she could carry to term.  Now if she has it removed via surgery, depending on how deep it is, there could be a void left that would also impair her ability to get pregnant or carry to term.  So if she did get pregnant, she has a high chance of miscarrying.  This means we may never be able to have a baby.  It is too risky at this time to even try.  Neither of us could handle loosing a baby.  So we have decided that nature doesn't want us to have kids at the moment.

With that news, it also means that I don't have to wait as long to transition and start hormones.  So instead of waiting another year, I can start in the beginning of next year (if I can find an Endocrinologist).  We are thinking of having some of my sperm frozen, just in case we can have kids.

I am very sad that at this time we just can't have kids, but also happy that I can start hormones much sooner.  I am very conflicted emotionally.  And to put it on the record, I don't blame my wife or hate her or feel any differently towards her.  I love her no matter what.  It is not her fault that nature decided we shouldn't have kids.  Maybe some day we still can.  Who knows maybe someday in the near future science could catch up and they could find a way that I could be the one who gets pregnant.  One never knows what the future holds.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.

Facebook Status

Below is a post from a good friend of mine… it was too well written not to share:

Recently, a friend implied that who he voted for in this election doesn’t matter, and if I want to see real change I should “get off the couch and start effecting the change you claim to want.” Because the politicians don’t matter, it’s all about the people. 
How dare you. How dare you sit there and tell me to get off my couch and effect the change I claim to want. How dare you even assume that I am not. The idea that any out and open gay man is not fighting for change is ridiculous, and show’s how little you know of me. 

Let’s first talk about the changes I want. I would like the same rights that you have as a straight man. Namely, I would like to be able to marry my husband, in whatever state I please. I would like the tax incentives that come from that. I would like to be on insurance together and not have to file it as “taxable income” I would like to be able to visit him in the hospital if he were sick and not fear that some bigot might not let me in as I am not a “relative.” I would like for our future children to be able to legally have us both as their father. I would like to not have to face having queer or faggot written on my door at work. I would like to not wake up every day, every day, and read in the news how some public figure has called people like me an abomination, or less then, or compared us to pedophiles, or that God hates me, or that I am the downfall of society. I would like to not read in the paper how all of this is too much for some of our teenagers to take and decide that life isn’t worth living and kill themselves. I would not like to have to fight every damn day of my life, solely for being who I am. None of these are things a straight white man have had to ever fight for or even think about. 

But I do. Every day. I fight. I have been at the NH State House for hearings on Marriage Equality. I have worked tirelessly on diversity panels, committees, and groups that have worked to educated fellow faculty, staff, and students at the universities I have worked at. I have served on regional committees that have presented conferences on GLBT rights throughout New England. I have spoken to lecture halls full of students that I don’t even know about what it’s like to “come out” and to be a gay man. I have counseled GLBT students and teenagers when they haven’t known what to do after their parents have kicked them out or someone has called them something unimaginable. I teach a class on perspective and gaining a world view, seeing more than your own life experiences. I have engaged perfect strangers on using terms such as “that’s so gay” or “faggott.” I have tried to educate my friends and family on the candidates and what they stand for and what would happen to me and my rights if certain ones are elected. I have come into the place where I worked to have Faggot spray painted across my door, and have kept going. I have gone to a job where students have spit in my face and called me a faggot, and have had to go back and have an “educational moment” with them. I have woken up on days where even I have become depressed about the amount of hate and anger their is towards people like me in the news, but I have kept going. So yes, I have fought, and I will continue to fight.

It’s true, politics are only one piece of the puzzle. By voting for Obama will everything magically change over night? No, of course not. However, by voting for Romney and Ryan, we are putting two people in charge of this country that support the belief that I am less than. That want to actively work to take away my rights and make me fight even harder. That will be an example to people in this country and around the world that it’s ok to treat gays or women as less, because the President doesn’t like gay people so why should we. 

This election is so much more than just economics, healthcare, immigration, or military spending for me. Those are all important issues, but my rights as a person, my freedom to live as who I am are so much more important than any of that. This election is about electing someone who can be an example for our country. To show that we need to treat everyone equally, like our fore-fathers stated. That no matter who I love, it’s ok and it doesn’t matter what you think your religion says about that, because it’s your religion, not mine. I want my President to be an example to our country, just as I want to be an example to my friends, family, students, and community. I want my President to fight for me and my rights, just like I am fighting for myself and my rights. 

No matter what though, I will continue to fight, because I have no choice. Living as an out gay man in this country you have to fight. There is no sitting on the couch and letting it happen. You fight every damned day whether you want to or not. That is why I am voting for Obama. That is why I hope that my friends, family, and those important to me are voting for Obama. That is why it hurts so damned much when people I love and respect share their support for Romney. Because it’s not just a vote for his small government or his military spending. It’s a vote that says your paycheck is more important than me as a person. It’s a vote that says I am less than you, and that we are not equal. It’s a vote that says I need to fight harder.

Rent

When I was in high school, one of the drama club field trips was to New York to see "Rent" on Broadway.  I new nothing about the show before going.  After the show, I was changed.  It was an amazing emotional show.  Since then I have had a special attachment to the show.  Whenever I start feeling numb inside or just need an emotion boost, I listen to the soundtrack.  Even when I don't realize I need it.  There have just been moments in my life where I just need to listen to it.  Something is drawing me to it.

Over the past couple of months, "Rent" has been on Starz.  I randomly find it about a half hour before it's over.  After it had happened a third time of finding it on Starz before it was over I felt compelled to listen to the soundtrack.  I guess the universe knew I needed to listen to "Rent" even though I didn't.  So last night I started to listen to the soundtrack on my way home from work.  It was definitely getting my emotions going.  Then came the song "Another Day".  That song started to resonate in me.  The lines Mimi sings really hit me:

"The heart may freeze
Or it can burn
The pain will ease
If I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment
As my last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss

No other road
No other way
No day but today"

This song just made me cry.  No matter how bad things can seem at times, it will get better.  Don't focus on the future too much and don't live in the past.  Only live for today, live for the moment.  Have no regrets and cherish what you have because the ones you love will always be there.  Take the path you were meant to be on and don't look back.  Enjoy the journey even if it can be hard.  Don't fear the future, focus on the here and now.  It is such a powerful song.  It was just what I needed.

Another great song is "Seasons of Love".  So I thought I would share:

Halloween Prep Update

So my Halloween costume arrived a few days ago.  I was very reluctant in trying it on.  I was afraid it wouldn't fit or I would look funny.  After about two hours, I gave in to put it on.  To my surprise it fit.  But I wasn't too happy with the way it looked on me.  However when my wife saw me in it she cheered me up.  She said it fit perfectly and looked great.  She said she was jealous of how good I looked in it.  I am going to take her word for it since most times when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see.  So I have decided I am going to wear the costume.

Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup.  I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her.  So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair.  She was very excited I asked.  She of course said yes.  I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair.  I was still worried about doing my makeup.  Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me.  She was offering to do my makeup and hair.  I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup.  She is the one who did my makeup for the first time.  I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup.  I can't wait to see the results.  Also I get to have some great girl time.  I can not wait.

Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share.  I am very proud of my wife.  She just got a promotion at her work.  She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing.  That also means a raise.  That will definitely help us out more financially.  So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less.  This will also mean she makes more than me.  She is the bread winner now.  Our roles are truly reversed.  But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife.  She works so hard and deserves this.

Halloween

Halloween is slowly approaching.  I am very excited for it this year.  I get to be me in a costume I want to wear.  I'm going to be the Queen of Hearts from "Alice in Wonderland".  My wife is going to be Alice.  Here is a pic of my costume:

I wonder if I can get my hair to look like that.  It might be long enough now.  Just got to find a friend to help me with my hair and make-up on the day of the Halloween party.  The one I would have asked is the one throwing the party and she's gonna be too busy getting ready for the party and playing hostess.  I just can't wait.  I also bought some inserts for my bra to give me an extra boost.  Hopefully I will have some pics to share after the party.

Interesting Weekend

So this weekend was interesting.  It started with Saturday, my wife and her mom were going out shopping all day and her father had to work all day.  Once they all left I thought it would be a good time to practice make-up and spend most of the day at home as a girl.  So I got my makeup out and started applying it.  I think I did much better with my eye shadow (sorry no pics this time).  After I got the makeup on I got dressed in my favorite push-up bra, a ribbed turtleneck, black tights, and a jean skirt.  I had a lot to do around the house and figured I would do it as my true self.  It was great.  At least until around 1pm.  I decided to go outside for a smoke.  As I was opening our back door, one of our cats (Jack) was lying in wait and bolted out the door.  He is an indoor cat and is only allowed outside when he is in a harness and leash (we live on a dangerous road and my wife and neighbors have lost cats to the road so we keep them on leashes).  So now I'm freaking out.  I'm all dressed as a girl with makeup on and our cat has escaped.  I am not out to our neighbors and really did not want to deal with that at the moment.  So I rush upstairs and quickly change into jeans and throw on a sweat shirt then run into the bathroom and try to quickly wash the makeup off, while hoping the cat did not wander far or get lost.  So that set me back a bit.  I wish I was out and didn't have the fear to hide.  If anything bad had happened to Jack, I don't know what I would have done.  So Saturday started great and ended badly.

Now onto Sunday.  Sunday was an interesting day.  The reason my wife and her mom were out shopping on Saturday was to get dresses and accessories for our upcoming Disney Christmas cruise.  Now Sunday we all were going out to Men's Warehouse to get her father and me suits for the cruise.  They were buy one get one free so I was getting a free suit.  I was very off with the whole thing.  Not sure why, but everyone could tell something was up.  I guess part of me, just didn't like the thought of getting a suit.  I would have much rather have gone the day before and gotten a dress, but that definitely wasn't gonna happen.  One, my in-laws only know I'm out as a cross-dresser, not a transgender woman.  They don't understand transgender.  They only grasp that some people like to cross-dress in the privacy of their homes, not that some people (like me) know they were born in the wrong body and need to transition to the correct physical gender.  Plus not being fully out and comfortable being fully out, there would be no way of me being a woman for the cruise.  So I sucked it up and got a suit and will wear the suit for the cruise.  Not that I have anything against suits, it's just a reminder of my maleness.  Everyone thought I looked amazing in the suit.  So that was a plus. And after the suits we went shopping for shape wear for my mother-in-law, so I got to show some of my femininity with my knowledge of shape wear.  My wife and I discussed this a bit last night.  We decided to help with my dysphoria on the cruise when I'm wearing the suit, I'm gonna be wearing a very low profile bra (ie no one will be able to tell that I'm wearing it) and some very feminine lace thong panties.  And I'll be wearing my boots (which of course are woman's) and maybe I may wear tights under my pants.  So what people see will be male, but what's underneath will be all feminine.  I just look forward to the day when I can be the one who gets all dolled up:  Makeup, earrings, necklace, evening gown, heels and having my hair all done up.  Someday.

National Coming Out Day

Slowly over the past 10 months I have come out to small select group of friends and family about being a transgender woman.  With yesterday being National Coming Out Day, I spent most of the day debating whether or not to come out to more friends.  At 6pm, I made my decision.  I came out to 50+ of my friends on facebook.  I felt it was time to widen the circle of those who know.  Again I was amazed at the love and support I received from them.  I am so blessed for having the friends I have.  It gives me hope that when I am fully out, I may be accepted by all.  I just want to cry tears of joy.

Understanding trans (by MissJessicaSmith)

Original Link: http://missjessicasmith.tumblr.com/post/33324655251/understanding-trans

It’s strange to me to think about the fact that I was born trans.

I can accept that I was born with blue eyes, brown hair, and a cute smile. I can accept that I was born intelligent, that I was born to a mother and a father, that I was born in the United States, that I was born with the correct number of fingers and toes. 

All of those things are things I can see, things I can verify, proven things that myself and everyone else has acknowledged. 

But that I was born trans, that doesn’t seem to fit into that same pattern. I know it’s true, because I’ve been this way since I can remember. I know there wasn’t some moment, or trauma, or event that changed me from a cis male into a trans female. That never happened, this is just who I am.

To be born with completely incongruent physical and mental identities, to me that doesn’t make any sense. Truly, I can’t even come up with any comparable examples. It just doesn’t happen. In almost every human being, and most likely in every other animal, your brain and your body are one. You are your body, you are your mind, you are just you. There’s no need to second guess, or doubt. You don’t ever look at your body and think “This is just a shell. This isn’t me, this is just what people see me as.”

For example, many people have low self-esteem because of their appearance, be it their weight, or their height, acne, hair color, nose, freckles, or anything else you can think of. They feel like they are a worse person because they see their body as being inferior. But their body is them, it’s one and the same, so when the see their body as bad, they themselves are bad.

And this true with trans people as well, we are not immune to the same worries, doubts, and loss of confidence due to the normal spectrum of body image insecurities.

But we also have another issue, that causes even more emotional turmoil than these ‘normal’ insecurities. We have the constant feeling, the constant thought and understanding that ‘this isn’t me’. It’s not that these aspects aren’t what society says they should be, they may or may not be but that is not the point. The point is that they aren’t right. They shouldn’t be here. As if I were to look at my hands and have lobster claws, instead of hands. My brain would instantly reject it, because it’s incorrect. My brain knows what I should have at the end of my forearms, and it’s certainly not claws. So when a trans person looks at their body, and generally any part or aspect of their body, they see an incorrect shell. 

And who are you supposed to be then? We don’t have anyone to model ourselves off of. Cisgender people do not carry a book or a guide of who they are, to identify themselves. They just know what they should look like, how they look like, what they want to be, how they want to act, and everything else. They are themselves, and so they will be themselves.

Transgender people don’t have that luxury. We not only start from scratch, with nothing, we have to create our identities while rejecting our old identities. We have to try to decipher what gender roles we were forced into, what gender roles we want to put upon ourselves, and what gender roles we will fit into when we transition, even if we don’t want them.

We have to decide what we will look like, to the extent we can. Do we want surgery? Hormones? Should I grow out my hair, or cut it? Should I wear makeup, or should I not? Most of us do this in the absolute privacy of our own lives, we don’t have people we can get feedback from.

We experiment with ourselves with no rules, no guidelines, no methodology. We just try to find the look, and the feel, and the identity that will give us the feeling that cisgender people get everyday without ever realizing it. The feeling that when we move, we talk, we act, and when we look in the mirror, we see ourselves.

So I do understand when cisgender people say they don’t understand us. I don’t understand us. I don’t understand how this could happen, that the mind and body could have such a disconnect from each other. But I live this disconnect every day. I’ve adapted to it, as humans are wont to do. It impacts me in every single way, permeating every moment, every aspect of my life, day to day and year to year.

But I don’t think I will ever understand how or why I was born this way. I just was.

~ By MissJessicaSmith

TransWhat? (link)

Looking for a good all-purpose site to direct family members, friends, co-workers, lovers and allies to in their search for understanding and terminology... start with http://transwhat.org/

Been a While

It has been almost a month since I last posted.  Life has been busy and my transition had stalled.  At first my transition started like a runaway freight train, but then it stopped and has been hard to get it moving again.  But it is slowly, very slowly moving again.  Over the past month I have only partially dressed at home.  Mainly changing into a skirt when I got home from work.  However Sunday night I did get to practice putting on makeup.  I was letting fear talk me out of it, but my wife gave me a push.  It took about 30 mins to apply and only had it on for about 15 mins, but it was progress.  Here are two pics of the results:

According to my wife it looked good for going out a night.  Really need to learn to be more subtle with my makeup.  But practice makes perfect right??

Oh and my wife and I have come up with what our costumes will be for Halloween.  We are sticking to an Alice in Wonderland theme.  She's going to be Alice and I'm going to be the Queen of Hearts.  Here is a pic of my costume (if we can afford to get them):

I've got less than a month to buy the costumes and get the nerve to wear this one.  I think I can, I think I can.  And at least makeup wise I can do it for nights. :)

Genderfest.com

Social Media: Blessing or Curse

Recently I began to ponder Social Media.  We as a society are plugged in and tuned in.  Are social media sites a blessing or a curse?  Are we better off as a society using them? In my opinion it's both and yes & no.

Facebook gave us a way to connect with friends and family.  It has given us a way to share stories and photos with each other.  But it has given rise to a platform of preaching and the festering of hate.  People argue over political views, religious views, human rights views, etc.  It has opened our eyes to sides of people we would have never seen.  From a simple posting of an article could destroy a friendship.  A posting of a picture could ruin a person's career or personal life.  Things that were once so private are set out for the world to see.

Tumblr has given us a way to share photos, our deepest thoughts, our interests with the world.  No matter what you post can be searched by virtually anyone.  It's a way to have anonymity but get your voice out there.  The down side again is it has given rise to a platform of preaching and the festering of hate.  If you don't want to follow someone, don't.  If you don't agree with their views or content, don't follow them.  But some people are out to fester hate.  Messages can be sent anonymously.  Hate mail can be received.  While so many are trying to create a community of like minded people, others deem it is their duty to tear it apart.

Google + is still in it's infancy.  But it has some of the same characteristics of Facebook.  The main plus about it is that not many people are on it.  It has a higher control of who can see what posts.  As me and my friends call it... it is a safe place.  At least for now.

I wish people could use these sites with better judgement.  I wish people would accept everyone for having their own view points and not spread hate when they do not agree.  I wish people would understand that no one is perfect, so they need not judge people for their imperfections as they are not perfect.

Overreacting

I have this tendency to overreact to things.  If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180.  I don't know why I do it.  A coping mechanism maybe.  This weekend I overreacted.  I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was.  I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end.  I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage.  I had spent a lot of time thinking about it.  Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.

On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning.  I kept saying it was the best for us.  I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition.  I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back.  Even maybe grow my goatee back.  I thought I was fine with that.  Give up everything for our marriage.  But I was being eaten up inside.  I felt a part of me dying.

Sunday evening I talked with my wife again.  It took a while to get up the nerve.  I told her I didn't want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  But I didn't want to add this stress onto her.  I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks.  As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman.  The world is cruel.  She felt the need to always have to protect me.  And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny.  It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions.  The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl.  To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.

Last night we came up with a solution.  A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me.  I would still dress at home.  I would still dress when we are at a friends house.  But I would not go out in public as a girl.  If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave.  This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house.  We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby.  I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible.  In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time.  We have now switched that.  I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time.  At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman.  This will also then reduce the fear we both have.

I am happy with the plan we came up with.  I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress.  I'll try not to overreact in the future.  No promises though ;P

Taking a Break

I am going on hiatus from posting for a little while.  Didn't want anyone reading my blog to get worried.  Just need a break.  Let the stress settle down and breathe.

Just a Quick Note

I haven't had anything I wanted to write about recently.  Things have been stagnant.

Referring to Myself

Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker on messenger (she is also one of my best friends).  As we were chatting, I was updating a marketing flyer.  One of the updates was adding a bullet point of 5 Docks.  I ended up typing 5 Dicks.  Thank goodness I noticed what I typed.  Otherwise that would have been bad.  So I told her what I typed, her response was "freud what?".  I joked saying I guess I know what I have on the brain.  She laughed.  Then I made the comment of I'm sure you don't hear that often coming from a guy.  That got me thinking.  Do I still refer to myself as a guy?  I mean I still look like a guy, but I think and feel like a girl.  For people that know me being a transgender woman, do I start referring to myself as a girl or should I remain referring to myself as a guy until I start looking more like a girl and dressing more as a girl?  My head hurt just thinking about it.  I'm not sure how to approach that.  When people on Tumblr, blogger, and Genderfest respond to me they all refer to me as a girl.  At what point do I start referring to myself as a girl with my friends?  Guess I have some thinking to do.

Support

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house.  She had a birthday present for me.  While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit.  During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning.  First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C".  "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are.  "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning.  My friend told her it was me.  "S" said that was great and that she had always figured.  Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls.  It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did.  "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents.  My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him.  After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive.  He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am.  That made me feel so happy.

Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me.  Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays.  Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party.  This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway.  I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.

Then my friend said she had an idea.  She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house.  Just really close friends.  And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl.  I thought that was a great idea.  She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform.  "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process.  I'm fine with "L" watching the process.  It would help me become more comfortable.  Not sure when we are going to do this.

I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting.  Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.

The Breakdown

I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown.  My birthday has always been very emotional for me.  This one was extra emotional.  This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away.  One would think over the years it would get easier.  But it hasn't.  It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away.  I had only known him for 4 years.  But I still miss him.  So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown.   I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards.  I have come so far in the past eight months.  And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were.  I'd just might die inside.  So I am going to push on.  I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right.  I feel naked without a bra.  My male underwear is very uncomfortable.  My feet hurt from my male shoes.  And I hate how loose men's pants are.  So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable.  So silly of me to think I could go back.  Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

Discrimination (Link)

A friend of mine’s friend was denied being bone marrow donor due to being gay. Discrimination needs to stop.

https://m.facebook.com/1347543534/timeline/story?ut=2&hash=-7037651820354336187&wstart=1343804400&wend=1346482799&ustart&_rdr


http://www.change.org/petitions/the-food-and-drug-administration-fda-of-the-united-states-remove-the-ban-against-msm-blood-and-marrow-donations?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition&utm_term=27098131

A Birthday Wish

I have been thinking a lot about my birthday tomorrow.  I usually wish for the same thing every year.  Which is unrealistic.  This year, I think my birthday wish will be different.  I just want the courage to be me.  To not be afraid of who I am.  To not care what others think of me.  I want the confidence to wear whatever I want.  The confidence to go out as my female true self.  I would love to be able to present as female without any hesitation or fear.  To be the woman I know I am.  At this point in my life it is a pretty hefty wish.  It seems as unrealistic as my usual birthday wish.  Maybe in a year or so my new wish can become a reality.

Hormones

Everyone has estrogen and testosterone in their systems.  Naturally men have higher testosterone levels and women have higher estrogen levels.  Women have an average testosterone level of 20 to 80 ng/dL, while men have an average testosterone level of  300 to 1,000 ng/dL.  Women have an average estrogen level of  50 to 400 pg/ml, while men have an average estrogen level of 13 to 54 pg/ml.  I have always felt that I had a lower testosterone level and a higher estrogen level than a normal male.  When I worked in theater as a techie, I was always active and being active can release more testosterone in the body.  Since leaving theater and having a desk job, I'm less active and thus less testosterone is being released.  But now that I have to exercise per my doctor, I have noticed after exercising and for the next day that I am more irritable.  I had an ah ha moment this morning about it.  For some reason I kept picking a fight with my wife.  No matter what she said, I had to argue.  I couldn't understand why.  Then I remembered I was exercising last night.  So I released more testosterone in my system.  Thus more irritable.  Unfortunately I need to keep exercising and actually exercise more.  I am 16 lbs over my doctor's ideal weight for me.  And I'm about 30lbs over what I want my weight to be.  I am going to have to figure out how to keep myself in check, so I stop picking fights with my wife and being argumentative.   

The Wait

There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for.  One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition.  When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy.  It was to carry on my family name.  As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded.  I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world.  I didn't think I would be a good father.  So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.

However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids.  It rekindled the desire to have kids.  At first my wife was still against having kids.  It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind.  My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid.  She had never been a part of a baby's life before.  A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby.  But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby.  I was so excited.  It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year.  I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year.  Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.

This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event.  And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later.  I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed.  Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that.  Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby.  My heart sank.  One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT.  I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me.  I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter.  But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT.  I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.

I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.

I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.

American Psychiatric Association Calls for Improved Access to Transition Related Care (Link)

http://www.hrc.org/blog/entry/american-psychiatric-association-calls-for-improved-access-to-transition-re/

Phone App Puts Friends and Safety a Tap Away (Link)

http://womensenews.org/story/women-in-science/120819/phone-app-puts-friends-and-safety-tap-away

An Offer

An offer was made to me this weekend.  It entails something that I have written about before and wanted to do.  I'm not going to go into any details of it, just that it has given me a lot to think about.  If I reject the offer, I loose a chance to do something that I have thought about for a very long time.  If I accept the offer, it has the potential to change things in my life, either for the better or for the worse.  I'm not sure what to do.  I have many things to think about and contemplate.

First Signs of Hate

On Sunday we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut.  I went to go pick it up.  Not wanting to change to head out, I was wearing my teal tank top, woman shorts, and flip flops that showed off my painted toes.  As I pulled in the parking lot, I noticed a group of young guys just hanging out outside of the Pizza Hut.  As I pulled into a parking spot, I started to get a bad feeling and started getting really nervous.  I got the nerve to get out of the car, but the bad feeling was correct.  For the first time I was harassed for what I was wearing.  I tried to ignore them as I walked passed them into Pizza Hut.  They were saying stuff like "Fag" and "Gay".  I was so nervous I couldn't make out all they were saying.  Why did they have to do that?  I didn't do anything to them.  This is the first time I have been harassed for what I've been wearing.  Luckily they were gone as I was leaving Pizza Hut.  It put me in a slight funk the rest of the evening.  Ugh.

My Birthday

My birthday is next Saturday.  I'll be 34 years old.  Nothing exciting.  Just another day.  At least that's how I feel about it.  On my birthday a friend of mine is having a birthday party for her daughter's 4th birthday.  Most would think it is unfair of her to have her daughter's party on my birthday.  To be honest I don't care.  Actually I kind of like it.  That way I will be with my friends on my birthday.  That doesn't happen very often.  I'm not one for being the center of attention.  But this way I can be with my friends and not be the center of attention.  Maybe there will be a cake for me, maybe not.  I honestly don't care.  I just want to spend that day with my friends and my wife.  And that is what I'll be getting.  I don't want any big deals made about how it is my birthday and what not.  It's just another day.  I know how important it is for kids to have their parties as close to their birthday as possible.  So I don't mind at all.  If anything, maybe what happened last year can happen again for her party.  After her party, the guys went camping and the girls stayed home and went in the hot tube.  Maybe this year it will happen again, but I can stay with the girls.  Convince them to do my hair and makeup.  But I'm not holding my breathe.  Again it's just another day to me.

Stress

Why is there stress?  Why?  I've had enough of it.  Stress about finances, stress about transitioning, stress about practicing makeup, stress about going out as a woman.  Why do we need to feel stress?  All it takes is one event to just start compounding the stress.  Right now I feel like an avalanche is barreling down on me.  I wish my wife and I were out of debt to release that stress.  I wish I had more courage to practice my makeup and more courage to go out as a woman to release that stress.  I feel so lost right now.  I feel hopeless.  Why is it every time things seem to be getting better, something happens to make us fall?  Why?

Trans* Community Site

From Tumblr:

fuckyeahmtfs:

Hey there, ladies! My friend has started a social networking website for the trans* community called GenderFest.com. Her tumblr is genderfest.tumblr.com. She is trying to make a safe social space for the trans* community and supporters. Please check it out and join!

Out In The Park (Link)

http://outinthepark.info/

Dems Approve Platform Including Marriage Equality, ENDA

http://www.hrc.org/blog/entry/dems-approve-platform-including-marriage-equality-enda

Interesting Question

Right now I get very nervous being out as a woman.  I wonder if I will ever reach a point in my transition that I will be very nervous being out as a man instead of a woman.

Saturday Update

So Saturday was the day I was going to get my eyebrows waxed and go to a friends house as a girl since it is a safe place.  Well I got the courage to get my eyebrows done.  I showed up about 20 mins early to my appointment and they took me right away.  When the lady asked me what I wanted done, I was honest and told her I wanted a slightly more feminine brow.  Less bushy and shaped.  She did exactly what I wanted.  I was happy with the outcome and it was also subtle enough that I wouldn't get weird looks.

As for going to my friends house as a girl, that didn't end up happening.  It took all morning to gain the courage to get dressed and I was about to start putting on makeup.  Then the sky opened up and it was pouring out.  My wife asked me why I was putting on makeup if it's raining.  She said it would run.  Well that's all I needed to wipe away any courage I had.  It's not her fault.  But I look for any excuse to let the fear take over.  And I got it.  I did bring my clothes and makeup with me, but never put them on.  I know one of my friends was disappointed.  But I just couldn't muster up the courage again.  Maybe some other time I can do it.  Why did I let the fear win??  Why am I always looking for an excuse not to do it??  What was the worse that could have happened??  Nothing, but I gave in anyway.  Ugh.

A Different Life

Being a transgender woman, there have been many times I have wished I would have been born female rather than male.  I'm sure many transgender people wish that.  But the more I think about about it, if I was born female, I may not of had the experiences or the friends I have.  Yes my body would be the way I want it, but maybe not the life I wanted.  It is the events and experiences that shape who we are.  If I had been born female, would I have the same close group of friends I have now?  Would I have been involved in theater?  Would I have ever met my wife?  Would I have gone to school in NC and thus ever discovered the Lost Colony theater where I spent 4 amazing summers with amazing people?  Would I still be me at the core?

As much as I wish I was female, I'm not sure I wish I was born female.  I can't imagine my life without ever being with my wife.  I can't imagine not having the friends I have now.  I like who I am even if my body doesn't match.  Someday it will match, but by taking HRT I will still be me on the inside.  I will still have my wife and my friends.  I wouldn't give them up for anything.  I would never want to change who I am on the inside.  I wouldn't want a different life that I have now.  Is it hard? Yes, but it is worth it.

We are our own worst enemy (Link)

http://www.examiner.com/article/we-are-our-own-worst-enemy

Another Debate: Update

So after posting my "Another Debate" post, my wife called me.  She was like, there is no debate, you are going as a girl.  Our friends house is a safe place and this is a perfect opportunity.  So I will be going all out, jean skirt, teal tank top, push-up bra, makeup, earrings, hair down, etc.  Of course now here come the butterflies.

Also I will be taking another step.  Saturday morning I will be going to a salon to get my eyebrows waxed to be more feminine.  It took a lot of courage to call.  But I did.  I have my appointment.

Now For Something Completely Different...

Another Debate

This Saturday I will be going to a friend's house to meet one of her other friends who lives over seas.  She has told her friend all about me.  The option was given to me to either come as my male self, my female self or somewhere in-between.  I don't know what to do.  The fear that has been very vocal lately is telling not to because who knows who will see me and I will still look to male even if I dress as a girl.  But I need to acknowledge that fear and put it aside and be the true me.  I'm thinking of wearing my teal tank top and my jean skirt.  No bra.  It's kind of subtle without being all out.  Maybe have my hair down.  Maybe wear earrings.  No makeup, but maybe I'll bring my kit with me just in case.  I don't know.  Or I'll end up letting fear win and just go as my quasi male self.  I need to beat this fear.  I need to build up my confidence and self esteem to be who I really am.  I just don't know.  Ugh.

'Going Stealth': A Complicated and Dynamic Family Decision (Link)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wayne-maines/transgender-children_b_1740140.html

So Much Hate... Why?

It seems no matter where you turn there is hate towards the LGBT community.  Why?  Since I embraced myself as transgender, I am becoming more and more aware of all the hate.  With Chick-fil-a, with the debates over same-sex marriage so much hate.  The people I follow on Tumblr post their asks on their blog and many anonymous people say such hateful things.  Again I ask why?  What is so wrong with being a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender that people hate us so much.  We do not hurt anyone.  We just want to lead normal lives without being hated.

Yesterday I read an article about parents of transgender children.  It talked about the fears they had.  They had to hide the fact that their kids were transgender.  They tried to go "stealth".  But when it was discovered that their girls were born boys or their boys were born girls, they ended up having to move to get away from the bullying and hate.  Why as a society can we not accept everyone for who they are?  I remember the first article I read about a transgender individual.  It was about Cece.  Who is now in jail for killing her attacker in self defense.  She was beaten and could have been killed, but faced her attacker in a kill or be killed situation.  Fearing for her life she ended up killing her attacker.  Now she is in jail.  Why?  It was self defense.  But the bigger question is why did those people hate her so much to want to kill her?  Why is there so much violence against the LGBT community?

This past weekend my wife and I watched a documentary on HBO about Vito Russo.  "Vito was one of the pivotal players in many of these gay rights organizations during their formative years. He was an early member of GAA (Gay Activists Alliance), whose goal was to secure basic human rights, dignity and freedom for all gay people. He was one of the co-founders of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), which was formed to ensure that media representation of gays and lesbians was accurate. Towards the end of his life, he was one of the founders of ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), a guerilla activist group whose goal was to bring legislation, medical research, treatment and policies to ultimately eradicate the AIDS epidemic."  This was a very informative documentary.  What was very interesting was the part about his project "The Celluloid Closet."  In his project he documented homosexuals in film from it's beginning.  It showed how there has always been homosexuals in film.  In the early years the characters were shown as normal people.  There was nothing wrong with a man kissing another man, a woman kissing another woman, two men dancing together, men in woman's clothes, woman in men's clothes, etc.  Then, I think in the 40's (I maybe wrong on the decade) there was an act that prohibited any homosexual acts or characters in film.  Around the 60's the ban was beginning to lift, but the homosexual characters were then shown as evil or bad people.  They were being shown in a very negative light.  It continued on that way until around the early 80's.  But with 20 some odd years of anything homosexual being shown as bad, the damage had been done.

As much as I don't like to admit it, our society is shaped by what we see on TV, in the movies, and hear in music.  With such homophobia being ingrained in our minds, I started to see why there is so much hate.  Society was brain washed into thinking anything homosexual was bad, evil or wrong.  Now this also sheds some light on the reason why the younger generations in today's society are more accepting.  With media portraying homosexuals in a better light as normal characters with nothing wrong with it and social icons such as Ellen Degeneres coming out as gay and Chaz Bono coming out as a transgender man, the younger generations are more accepting.  This gives me hope that one day the old homophobia will die out and be replaced with an accepting society.  It may take a few generations, but there is hope.

US shrinks say trans no longer 'mental illness' (Link)

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/trans-no-longer-mental-illness060812

Emotions & Breaking Habits

Lately I have been feeling a bit depressed and overwhelmed/discouraged.  After the steam I had built up a couple of months ago, I seem to have stalled.  I'm letting the fear and doubt get to me.  I find that I just can't get myself to practice putting on makeup after the last time with my wife.  I feel hopeless.  I know that it takes a lot of practice, but I feel so lost with it.  After two failures of doing it myself, I get myself so worked up that I convince myself not to practice.  I try asking for help to show me how to apply makeup, but either people are too busy or I get the response of: it takes practice and we had to learn it on our own or no one showed us.  I'm feeling that even though everyone is supportive and accepting of me, they don't want to deal with me or I've already put too much on them and I'm asking way to much of them.  I'm in such a funk that I don't know if it is true or not.  Part of me is thinking it would be better if I never bring up my transition to anyone again.  Just never discuss it.  I know transitioning isn't supposed to be easy.  But part of me is thinking that it would be easier to just go back into hiding.  This way I am no longer needing anyone's help.  I can go back to helping others and not needing their help.  I don't know.  I'm just in such a funk.  I really want to be a woman.  That is who I am inside.  I want to look like a woman, dress like a woman, and act like a woman.  But the most difficult part of the transition besides getting over the fear is breaking all male habits.  I've never been all that masculine, but when you spend 34 years being one way and only that way, it is very hard to change gears.  I haven't had the growing up female years of playing with makeup or playing dress up.  I haven't had the chance to be feminine.  I haven't grown up wearing a bikini / one piece swimming to feel ok with it.  Or grow up wearing skirts out to learn how to sit or walk.  I know I can't learn this stuff over night, but I really think with help and support I can do it faster than another 30+ years.  I really want to get my friends to understand.  I would really love to be able to convince my friends to do a girl day every so often to get their help.  Not a full day, but part of a day.  Just my close friends... to help me.  Help me with makeup.  Help me with different hair styles.  Help me with my walking and posture.  Help me get over the fear of being dressed as a woman.  Help me be comfortable being a woman.  They grew up as woman and over many years had the time to develop into womanhood.  I'm jumping into womanhood.  I want to be who I am, but need the help.  I just feel alone.  Sorry, just been down lately.  I feel like "the first rule of transgender is you don't talk about transgender."  Hopefully I can get out of this funk.  I'm just feeling lost right now.  Maybe today will get better.

On a brighter note, I am up to 1046 page views on my blogger site and 45 followers on my tumblr site.  I can't believe how many people are reading about me.  I hope I am helping others know that they are not the only ones who are going through this.

Little Things

As I take this journey of transition, there are a few little things I do to keep the dysphoria in check.  As I am not out full time and most likely won't be a work, I can still do things to keep me feeling feminine even though I am still presenting as male.

1. I only wear woman's underwear.  Unless I am in a situation wear I absolutely have to, I have stopped wearing men's underwear. 
2. Unless it is extremely warm/humid out, I wear a bra.  Only issue is I have to wear my fleece jacket to hide that I am wearing a bra.
3. Almost every Friday and every weekend I wear my hair down.
4. I wear either women's dress pants, jeans, or shorts.  Monday thru Thursday I have to dress up for work so I wear black women's dress pants and a man's button down shirt.  Friday's are casual so I wear women's jeans.  And on the weekends I can wear women's shorts and tank tops.
5. I wear women's boots to work.  They have a 1 3/4" heel.
6. I only wear women's socks.
7. Some days as I am driving to work I will wear heels in my car and change out of them when I get to work.
8. Some days I also will put in my hoop earrings while I am driving and take them out when I get to work.
9. A few times a week, I will change into a skirt when I get home from work.
10. I keep my toe nails painted.  The only place that I don't show off my painted toes is work.  Otherwise I will wear sandals and not care if people see my painted toes.
11. I carry a purse with me to work, but I put my messenger bag in front of it so it is not as obvious.
12. I wear a woman's watch now all the time, unless I'm going to be doing something where it can get damaged.
13. Occasionally I will shave my face with a straight razor to have it be as smooth as possible.  Only issue with doing that everyday is I will burn through a razor each time and they get pricey.
14. When I go swimming I wear my bikini bottom under my men's swim trunks.

I wish I could present as a woman all the time and not have to hide it.  I would love to be able to wear skirts all the time and heels.  Hopefully someday that wish will become a reality.  But until then, I will continue to do these little things.