Self Image

So last night a very close friend of mine (who knows about my desire to become a woman) told another friend (with my permission) about me.  I was so worried, but to my amazement she was fine with it.  She is all accepting of me. 

This got me wondering.  When did I start doubting my friendships?  Why did I worry that they would reject me for wanting to be me?  I started analyzing myself and realized that I have a twisted self image.  I don't mean the one that's changing into the female self image, but the image I think people perceive.   I have always been reluctant in hugging and touching other people.  I have discovered that the self image of myself is one of the shy, quiet, creepy guy.  I am afraid that people find me creepy and don't want to be touched by me.  I'm afraid they will perceive something as unwanted sexual advance, but it's not. 

I don't know when this started, but looking back, it has been there for a long time.  Maybe it stems from my inner questioning of sexuality that has made me socially awkward.  I know I have an issue talking with people because I used to get picked on by bullies who told me everything I said was stupid.  This made me a quiet person.  I even have a slight stutter at times.  I know my fear of speaking in front of any size group was caused by two bullies in middle school that picked on me because I sang and acted in a play.  But at what point did I start think I creep-ed people out?  Did I do something or touch someone that made them feel awkward? 

I vaguely remember a night that a female friend of mine and I slept at male friend's house in High School and I may have had wandering hands due to curiosity.  But is that a real memory or a false one?  Did I try to emit a more sexual side toward girls that was unwanted due to my over compensating for the fact I was attracted to guys and wanted to be a girl?  I feel like I'm just being tolerated.  That no one really loves me.  I know that isn't true. Some of my friends tell me so.  Why can't I believe it?  Is it society causing these false self images? 

But there is something deeply rooted.  Need to break free of it.  I feel as though I have no self worth.  My boss criticized me for being to hard on myself.  Why can't I be happy with myself?  Why can't I love myself like others do?  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!   But I have hope.  I will break out of this.  I will love myself.  I will see myself as my friends see me.  I will believe in myself.  And I will hug with no hesitation.