The Hard Truth About Me

The signs have been there for years, but I have come to terms with who I am. I am a woman trapped in a man's body. Not plain, not simple. I am in a constant struggle with my identity. It tears me up inside. To me there is no worse feeling than not having one's outward appearance match their internal feelings. As time goes by it gets harder and harder for me. I hate being male. Do you know how hard it is to look at yourself and hate what you see? And seeing it everyday. Why did nature do this to me? Why did God make me this way? Was I reincarnated from a woman who wanted to try being a man? Why can't I have been born female? Why do I feel ashamed for feeling this way? Why can't I just accept who I am and not care what people think?

The older I get the more urges to be a woman I have. Knowing that I can't be a real woman has me wondering if I could ever go through the surgery to look like a woman. How would my family react? Would I be able to keep my job? Would I loose any friends? I again just hate being a man. I try to hide my urges, but it is difficult sometime. I want to scream it to the world, instead I do little hidden things just to try to calm some of the urges. First thing I did to accept and please the urges were to shave my arm pits. No one either noticed or said anything. That was the first step. Then I started shaving my legs, I told people I lost a bet, but really it felt more natural for them being smooth without hair. Winter was no problem because I was wearing pants and no one could see that they were shaved. Then I started wearing woman's jeans. I was skinny enough and when people asked I told them I just like flare jeans and they don't make them for men. I was getting pretty good at covering (at least in my mind). After the jeans I started to want to wear more women's clothes. I started to wear women's underwear: bikini briefs and thongs. The only issue I was starting to have was the bulge. Ugh. That damn penis. I hate it. Searching the Internet I found 1 solution, a gaff. But that was underwear to wear under underwear to hide the bulge. That wasn't gonna work. Then I found a site about taping. I could tape my penis in with surgical tape. That not only hid the bulge but gave me slit that sort of looked like a vagina. Only issue with this was untaping to pee and taking the tape off at night makes the skin raw. So I couldn't do it every day. I found a website that sells latex prosthetic vagina's, but I can't afford to spend $300 yet. Someday though I just might.

So now with the lower part of my body taken care of, it was time to focus on the top. I wanted breasts. First I started shaving my chest and stomach. That gave me a smooth feeling up top. When I removed my nipple ring, that gave me an excuse to wear a bra due to the rubbing on any fabric made my nibble hurt. Now at least in the winter when I wear a fleece I can wear a bra without anyone really noticing. Most women I've dated have complained about wearing bras, but I like wearing them. Maybe because it makes me feel more like a woman. For a short period of time I was also taking stuff I ordered online that was to promote breast growth in men. The combination of the stuff I was taking and wearing a bra (which redistributed the fat in my breasts) I grew a whole cup size. Enough for me to notice but not enough for people to think I really had breasts. I wear a bra now almost every day. I also really wanted long hair. I wasn't sure how any employer would accept me with having long hair so I figured I would grow it for a few years and donate it. It seemed to be the only way this would be acceptable. The added bonus is I would be helping someone out when I did cut and donate it. I have already grown and donated my hair once and now I'm doing it again. At least I will get about 5 years with long hair.

As for other women's clothes, I have found ways to wear them. In the winter I wear nylons and tights under my pants. Not only do I feel more feminine, it keeps my legs warm. I have given up on men's socks and only own women's socks now. They are so much more comfortable. Slowly I have started wearing women's shoes. I started out with sneakers as they look unisex but now I have a couple of pairs of women's boots that one pair even has a slight heel. I wish I could wear more heels and other women's shoes. Sometimes on my way into work, I will wear the 1 pair of real heels while I drive and change before I get out of the car. I would love to wear flats and wedges and taller heels. Even to try them on would be nice. I also love to wear skirts. That seems to be the last bit of clothing that makes me feel feminine. My wife doesn't mind so many nights I come home and change into a skirt. After it gets dark out, I will even go outside and have a cigarette while still wearing the skirt. Since no one can really see me. I bought a kilt just so I can wear a skirt out in public on special events so I don't get weird looks. I wish I could have the nerve to wear it more often.

I started painting my toe nails. It helps me feel more feminine. I wish I could paint my other nails. I keep them long because I like the feminine look they give my hands. I have also started shaving my arms. I used to do it every now and then to keep the hair on my arms from looking manly, but now after a severe rash that killed some hair follicles on my are leaving patches of no hair, I shave them all the time. More and more I step closer to make myself more feminine on the outside like I am on the inside.

I have been questioning more and more of my sexuality. I find that I am more turned on by men than I am of women. When I look and sometimes stare at a women, there is little to no sexual attraction. Instead I fantasize about what it would be like to be her. I may stare at her butt and wish my butt looked like her's. I may stare down their blouse to see their breasts but it is only because I'm jealous and wish I had real breasts. If I glance at a woman's crotch, I'm only wondering what it feels like to not have anything hanging between my legs. I hope I don't make anyone uncomfortable when I look/stare at them. I told a friend that I should get a sign made that says "I apologize for staring. I wish I were a woman. By the way, cute outfit." I am addicted to looking at pictures of women because I try to visualize myself as them. I have a ton on my phone and will sometimes put them on a slide show while I'm driving. Sometimes when I'm alone at work, I will take some of those photos and paste in my face to see what I may look like with their body. Unfortunately I don't really have a high quality photo of myself to use. As for porn, when I watch it I fantasize that I am the woman being please by the man. I would love, just once to go down on a guy. I wish I could find a guy to let me do that. If I watch a porn or see a picture of a woman going down on a guy, all I can think of how much I wish it were me going down on him. I've kissed a few guys in the past, but that is as far as it has gone. I've seen many a man naked and just wish I could please them. I came very close once to going down on a guy while I was on "e", but then his girlfriend objected. I doubt I will ever truly find a guy who will let me be with them sexually.

Most of my friends growing up have been female. I really don't associate well with other men. One of my biggest desires is to be considered one of the girls. I wish I could go to girls night outs and spa days, etc. I wish I could go into the bathroom with another girl to take while they peed. It again is really hard for me to be a man. I have had many a dream where I am a woman. I get so sad when I wake up to find that I'm still a man. I want to be pregnant. I would love to have a baby grow inside me. I read TG fiction and one of my favorite types of stories is where a man gets into a bad accident and to save his life they transplant his brain into a woman's body. Sometimes I wish that could happen to me and the technology was there to make it a reality. There have been other times I wish that some accident would happen resulting in my penis being amputated off and then I could just get the doctors to create a vagina for me. Since I don't think I could deal with the social stress of becoming a full transgendered woman, sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for me to keep my male outward appearance but get the gender reassignment surgery to get a vagina. This would take me closer to being a woman but what people see would still be male. Unfortunately I don't think that is an option. It is so stressful hating a part of my body. Some people say men are lucky to have penises and they can pee while they stand. I hate having a penis, even more so when it gets hard. I get disgusted with myself every time I get an erection. Why couldn't I have been born female?

I wish every night since I was thirteen that some magical force would make me female. That is 20 years of wishing. Every birthday I wish almost every hour.

It feels good to get this all out and written out. I've told some people bits of this, but never this detailed. Never this much of what is going on in my head. I would love to speak more openly about this. I'm just to shy about this.