Thoughts

For as long as I can remember I've had some thoughts that I would refuse to acknowledge.  Thoughts that were out of my character and I refused to believe I would even think them.  Yesterday a friend convinced me that I should at least acknowledge them so they do not eat away at me.  So I am going to try.  That is the best I can do is try.  Some are disturbing, some make me cry, and some scare me.

One thought that scares me is one where I take my own life.  I get so wrapped up in my head and twist things up so much that I start believing that no one really loves me and I'm just a burden on the people around me.  I begin to believe that they are better off without me in their lives.  Then the thoughts float in about how I'd kill myself.  I've thought about slitting my wrists, driving my car off a bridge, and taking pills.  I do love my life, my wife, my friends, and my family.... but these thoughts try to push their way in.  I fight them off and try very hard to ignore them.

If I were to try to analyze those thoughts I would say that I have very low self esteem and I have a fear of abandonment.  I am very fearful that I will push people away due to my actions or my words.  I over analyze every action or inaction until it consumes me.  Then the depression sets in and the dark thoughts start to appear.  I don't want them.

Other thoughts that scare me are the ones where I hurt other people.  I tend to bottle up my emotions and anger is one of them.  I am very fearful of snapping.  I would never hurt anyone that I love and the thoughts have never involved them, but my anger gets focused on the driver that cuts me off or the person who cuts in line or bumps me without apologizing.  Again I would never act on these thoughts and it is hard for me to believe that I would even ever have them.  I always try to look for the best in people.  I try to have an optimistic outlook on life.  Where does this darkness come from??

I have acknowledged the dark part of me, put I try to keep it chained and buried deep inside of me.  I am truly a loving caring person.  I would never hurt anyone.  I just wish I could recognize the love that comes back to me.  Instead I'm always worried about straining and loosing people in my life.  I never want that.  I just want to embrace everyone and never let them go.