Patience is a Virtue

Patience is a virtue, right?  When I finally admitted to myself who I was last year and came out to my friends & family, it was like a freight train speeding out of control.  Everything was moving so fast, with no time to breathe or think.  I felt like I needed to hurry and learn makeup and fashion over night.  I felt like I needed to be out full time asap.  But recently I have figured out that it doesn't have to be over night.  It is ok for things to take time.  My world isn't quite ready for me to jump in with both feet.  And I'm ok with that.  Do I wish that I could magically be a woman? Of course.  But that is not realistic.  Hormones take time to work and I know that the older one is the longer it could take.  Some people see a noticeable difference with their body and features in a few months while others could take years to start seeing differences.  Each body reacts differently and changes at it's own pace.  I am by no means taking any steps backwards, I'm just slowing the pace and giving time for the hormones to do their thing.  I see some subtle changes over the past 4 months, moments of slowed growth of facial hair, breasts definitely hurting and holding shape, a more calmed demeanor, etc.  But nothing drastic yet, people who haven't seen me in months, don't notice a difference yet.  I am just going to take my time.  Slowly build a wardrobe, slowly practice makeup techniques, and if a chance arises for me to be in more girl mode or not worry about being seen wearing a bra, I will take it.  This past weekend one of my best friends and her mother came over because her mom sells Mary Kay.  She gave me and my wife a demo of some products and we played with makeup colors.  But at the end I said it could be a year or so before I need any makeup.  I realized that I was really ok with that.  In time, the noticeable changes will come.  In time I will hopefully be more passable with little effort.  Whether it is a few months from now or a few years from now, I know it will come.  I know I'm on the correct path.  I know who I am and I am willing to wait for it.  I want to make it clear that this is my path.  This is how I am taking it.  At this moment in time this is the correct course for me.  It may not be for anyone else, but it is for me.

Update and the Next Step

I know I haven't posted in a long while.  Things have been crazy with the end of the year and the start of a new one.  I can't believe another year is over and a lot has happened in the past year.  Most recently my wife, my in-laws and me went on a Disney vacation over Christmas.  We did two days at Disney World, then 5 nights on a Disney Cruise, then 2 more days at Disney World.  It was a lot of fun.  We had a very good time, especially if you look at what we spent.  :)  Being at Disney (or away from home) I felt more comfortable to being me.  I wore more woman's clothes than men's.  No one looked at me weird, at least that I noticed.  I bought some more woman's clothes, 3 t-shirts, a really cute hat, and on the cruise I bought this really cute dress (I can't wait to wear it).  One thing my wife and I noticed is that we are the same size again.  So we can share the clothes I bought.  Yay!!!  A nice thing about the cruise is we had a veranda.  Some nice privacy.  So when we didn't get off the ship at port we could hang out on the veranda in peace.  I spent a lot of the time getting used to wearing my bikini.  By the end of the cruise I was finally feeling comfortable wearing it.

Now for the next step.  This past Friday I had my first appointment with an endocrinologist.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  I feared I wouldn't be able to start hormones when I wanted to.  But the appointment went great.  They first did the normal stuff of getting medical history, blood pressure, and weight (apparently I gained 13 lbs since the trip :(  Damn Disney and their good food).  After that the doctor came in.  She was very nice.  She asked me what my preferred name was and pronouns.  Then she went through what she was gonna start me on and how each reacts.  Most I knew from my extensive research before hand.  She told me she needed to do a blood test to check my kidneys and liver.  If the blood test looks good then she will call me on Tuesday to call in my prescriptions.  I will be on an estrogen patch and spiro (a testosterone blocker).  She is planning to have me keep a little testosterone in my system so I still have a libido   Which makes my wife happy (me too).  So if all goes well I will start hormones tomorrow night.  Yay!!!  Amazing how far I have gone in just a year.

Now I need to start thinking of if or when to tell my work.  I'm not sure.  Luckily I live in CT where there are anti-discrimination laws that prevent my work from firing me for being Transgender.  But I am still fear full.  I may give it a bit and see how much the hormones change me before saying anything.

This is going to be an interesting year.  I look forward to it.

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

New Clothes

So this past weekend I really needed new jeans, so my wife and I went to Old Navy and I actually found some cute jeans that fit perfectly.  These are the ones I got:

After I got them and of course worn them the rest of the weekend, I thought I really need some new tops.  Cute tops.  So I went online to Old Navy and looked through their shirts.  These are what I ordered and plus some purple tights (everyone needs purple tights ;P):

It all arrived yesterday afternoon.  I could not wait to get home and try on the clothes.  Of course there were two accidents on my way home that delayed me getting home.  But I finally got home and immediately went into the bedroom to try on my new clothes.  Everything fit great and looked great.  My favorites are the plaid shirts.  They are so comfy.  Took me a bit to get them on.... I got to get used to buttons being on the other side of the shirt.  

I decided to be daring and I am wearing the red and white plaid shirt with my new jeans to work. I think today is the first day I have worn all female clothes and not a stitch of male clothing to work.  They are not overly feminine so I don't have to worry about getting weird looks from the guys I work with.  I am just so excited that I am slowly building my new wardrobe.  I can not wait until I have more girl clothes than guy clothes.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.

Halloween Prep Update

So my Halloween costume arrived a few days ago.  I was very reluctant in trying it on.  I was afraid it wouldn't fit or I would look funny.  After about two hours, I gave in to put it on.  To my surprise it fit.  But I wasn't too happy with the way it looked on me.  However when my wife saw me in it she cheered me up.  She said it fit perfectly and looked great.  She said she was jealous of how good I looked in it.  I am going to take her word for it since most times when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see.  So I have decided I am going to wear the costume.

Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup.  I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her.  So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair.  She was very excited I asked.  She of course said yes.  I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair.  I was still worried about doing my makeup.  Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me.  She was offering to do my makeup and hair.  I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup.  She is the one who did my makeup for the first time.  I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup.  I can't wait to see the results.  Also I get to have some great girl time.  I can not wait.

Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share.  I am very proud of my wife.  She just got a promotion at her work.  She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing.  That also means a raise.  That will definitely help us out more financially.  So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less.  This will also mean she makes more than me.  She is the bread winner now.  Our roles are truly reversed.  But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife.  She works so hard and deserves this.

Halloween

Halloween is slowly approaching.  I am very excited for it this year.  I get to be me in a costume I want to wear.  I'm going to be the Queen of Hearts from "Alice in Wonderland".  My wife is going to be Alice.  Here is a pic of my costume:

I wonder if I can get my hair to look like that.  It might be long enough now.  Just got to find a friend to help me with my hair and make-up on the day of the Halloween party.  The one I would have asked is the one throwing the party and she's gonna be too busy getting ready for the party and playing hostess.  I just can't wait.  I also bought some inserts for my bra to give me an extra boost.  Hopefully I will have some pics to share after the party.

Interesting Weekend

So this weekend was interesting.  It started with Saturday, my wife and her mom were going out shopping all day and her father had to work all day.  Once they all left I thought it would be a good time to practice make-up and spend most of the day at home as a girl.  So I got my makeup out and started applying it.  I think I did much better with my eye shadow (sorry no pics this time).  After I got the makeup on I got dressed in my favorite push-up bra, a ribbed turtleneck, black tights, and a jean skirt.  I had a lot to do around the house and figured I would do it as my true self.  It was great.  At least until around 1pm.  I decided to go outside for a smoke.  As I was opening our back door, one of our cats (Jack) was lying in wait and bolted out the door.  He is an indoor cat and is only allowed outside when he is in a harness and leash (we live on a dangerous road and my wife and neighbors have lost cats to the road so we keep them on leashes).  So now I'm freaking out.  I'm all dressed as a girl with makeup on and our cat has escaped.  I am not out to our neighbors and really did not want to deal with that at the moment.  So I rush upstairs and quickly change into jeans and throw on a sweat shirt then run into the bathroom and try to quickly wash the makeup off, while hoping the cat did not wander far or get lost.  So that set me back a bit.  I wish I was out and didn't have the fear to hide.  If anything bad had happened to Jack, I don't know what I would have done.  So Saturday started great and ended badly.

Now onto Sunday.  Sunday was an interesting day.  The reason my wife and her mom were out shopping on Saturday was to get dresses and accessories for our upcoming Disney Christmas cruise.  Now Sunday we all were going out to Men's Warehouse to get her father and me suits for the cruise.  They were buy one get one free so I was getting a free suit.  I was very off with the whole thing.  Not sure why, but everyone could tell something was up.  I guess part of me, just didn't like the thought of getting a suit.  I would have much rather have gone the day before and gotten a dress, but that definitely wasn't gonna happen.  One, my in-laws only know I'm out as a cross-dresser, not a transgender woman.  They don't understand transgender.  They only grasp that some people like to cross-dress in the privacy of their homes, not that some people (like me) know they were born in the wrong body and need to transition to the correct physical gender.  Plus not being fully out and comfortable being fully out, there would be no way of me being a woman for the cruise.  So I sucked it up and got a suit and will wear the suit for the cruise.  Not that I have anything against suits, it's just a reminder of my maleness.  Everyone thought I looked amazing in the suit.  So that was a plus. And after the suits we went shopping for shape wear for my mother-in-law, so I got to show some of my femininity with my knowledge of shape wear.  My wife and I discussed this a bit last night.  We decided to help with my dysphoria on the cruise when I'm wearing the suit, I'm gonna be wearing a very low profile bra (ie no one will be able to tell that I'm wearing it) and some very feminine lace thong panties.  And I'll be wearing my boots (which of course are woman's) and maybe I may wear tights under my pants.  So what people see will be male, but what's underneath will be all feminine.  I just look forward to the day when I can be the one who gets all dolled up:  Makeup, earrings, necklace, evening gown, heels and having my hair all done up.  Someday.

Been a While

It has been almost a month since I last posted.  Life has been busy and my transition had stalled.  At first my transition started like a runaway freight train, but then it stopped and has been hard to get it moving again.  But it is slowly, very slowly moving again.  Over the past month I have only partially dressed at home.  Mainly changing into a skirt when I got home from work.  However Sunday night I did get to practice putting on makeup.  I was letting fear talk me out of it, but my wife gave me a push.  It took about 30 mins to apply and only had it on for about 15 mins, but it was progress.  Here are two pics of the results:

According to my wife it looked good for going out a night.  Really need to learn to be more subtle with my makeup.  But practice makes perfect right??

Oh and my wife and I have come up with what our costumes will be for Halloween.  We are sticking to an Alice in Wonderland theme.  She's going to be Alice and I'm going to be the Queen of Hearts.  Here is a pic of my costume (if we can afford to get them):

I've got less than a month to buy the costumes and get the nerve to wear this one.  I think I can, I think I can.  And at least makeup wise I can do it for nights. :)

Overreacting

I have this tendency to overreact to things.  If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180.  I don't know why I do it.  A coping mechanism maybe.  This weekend I overreacted.  I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was.  I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end.  I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage.  I had spent a lot of time thinking about it.  Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.

On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning.  I kept saying it was the best for us.  I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition.  I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back.  Even maybe grow my goatee back.  I thought I was fine with that.  Give up everything for our marriage.  But I was being eaten up inside.  I felt a part of me dying.

Sunday evening I talked with my wife again.  It took a while to get up the nerve.  I told her I didn't want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  But I didn't want to add this stress onto her.  I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks.  As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman.  The world is cruel.  She felt the need to always have to protect me.  And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny.  It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions.  The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl.  To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.

Last night we came up with a solution.  A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me.  I would still dress at home.  I would still dress when we are at a friends house.  But I would not go out in public as a girl.  If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave.  This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house.  We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby.  I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible.  In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time.  We have now switched that.  I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time.  At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman.  This will also then reduce the fear we both have.

I am happy with the plan we came up with.  I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress.  I'll try not to overreact in the future.  No promises though ;P

Referring to Myself

Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker on messenger (she is also one of my best friends).  As we were chatting, I was updating a marketing flyer.  One of the updates was adding a bullet point of 5 Docks.  I ended up typing 5 Dicks.  Thank goodness I noticed what I typed.  Otherwise that would have been bad.  So I told her what I typed, her response was "freud what?".  I joked saying I guess I know what I have on the brain.  She laughed.  Then I made the comment of I'm sure you don't hear that often coming from a guy.  That got me thinking.  Do I still refer to myself as a guy?  I mean I still look like a guy, but I think and feel like a girl.  For people that know me being a transgender woman, do I start referring to myself as a girl or should I remain referring to myself as a guy until I start looking more like a girl and dressing more as a girl?  My head hurt just thinking about it.  I'm not sure how to approach that.  When people on Tumblr, blogger, and Genderfest respond to me they all refer to me as a girl.  At what point do I start referring to myself as a girl with my friends?  Guess I have some thinking to do.

Support

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house.  She had a birthday present for me.  While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit.  During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning.  First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C".  "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are.  "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning.  My friend told her it was me.  "S" said that was great and that she had always figured.  Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls.  It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did.  "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents.  My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him.  After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive.  He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am.  That made me feel so happy.

Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me.  Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays.  Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party.  This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway.  I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.

Then my friend said she had an idea.  She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house.  Just really close friends.  And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl.  I thought that was a great idea.  She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform.  "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process.  I'm fine with "L" watching the process.  It would help me become more comfortable.  Not sure when we are going to do this.

I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting.  Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.

The Breakdown

I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown.  My birthday has always been very emotional for me.  This one was extra emotional.  This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away.  One would think over the years it would get easier.  But it hasn't.  It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away.  I had only known him for 4 years.  But I still miss him.  So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown.   I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards.  I have come so far in the past eight months.  And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were.  I'd just might die inside.  So I am going to push on.  I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right.  I feel naked without a bra.  My male underwear is very uncomfortable.  My feet hurt from my male shoes.  And I hate how loose men's pants are.  So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable.  So silly of me to think I could go back.  Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

A Birthday Wish

I have been thinking a lot about my birthday tomorrow.  I usually wish for the same thing every year.  Which is unrealistic.  This year, I think my birthday wish will be different.  I just want the courage to be me.  To not be afraid of who I am.  To not care what others think of me.  I want the confidence to wear whatever I want.  The confidence to go out as my female true self.  I would love to be able to present as female without any hesitation or fear.  To be the woman I know I am.  At this point in my life it is a pretty hefty wish.  It seems as unrealistic as my usual birthday wish.  Maybe in a year or so my new wish can become a reality.

Hormones

Everyone has estrogen and testosterone in their systems.  Naturally men have higher testosterone levels and women have higher estrogen levels.  Women have an average testosterone level of 20 to 80 ng/dL, while men have an average testosterone level of  300 to 1,000 ng/dL.  Women have an average estrogen level of  50 to 400 pg/ml, while men have an average estrogen level of 13 to 54 pg/ml.  I have always felt that I had a lower testosterone level and a higher estrogen level than a normal male.  When I worked in theater as a techie, I was always active and being active can release more testosterone in the body.  Since leaving theater and having a desk job, I'm less active and thus less testosterone is being released.  But now that I have to exercise per my doctor, I have noticed after exercising and for the next day that I am more irritable.  I had an ah ha moment this morning about it.  For some reason I kept picking a fight with my wife.  No matter what she said, I had to argue.  I couldn't understand why.  Then I remembered I was exercising last night.  So I released more testosterone in my system.  Thus more irritable.  Unfortunately I need to keep exercising and actually exercise more.  I am 16 lbs over my doctor's ideal weight for me.  And I'm about 30lbs over what I want my weight to be.  I am going to have to figure out how to keep myself in check, so I stop picking fights with my wife and being argumentative.   

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.

Interesting Question

Right now I get very nervous being out as a woman.  I wonder if I will ever reach a point in my transition that I will be very nervous being out as a man instead of a woman.

Saturday Update

So Saturday was the day I was going to get my eyebrows waxed and go to a friends house as a girl since it is a safe place.  Well I got the courage to get my eyebrows done.  I showed up about 20 mins early to my appointment and they took me right away.  When the lady asked me what I wanted done, I was honest and told her I wanted a slightly more feminine brow.  Less bushy and shaped.  She did exactly what I wanted.  I was happy with the outcome and it was also subtle enough that I wouldn't get weird looks.

As for going to my friends house as a girl, that didn't end up happening.  It took all morning to gain the courage to get dressed and I was about to start putting on makeup.  Then the sky opened up and it was pouring out.  My wife asked me why I was putting on makeup if it's raining.  She said it would run.  Well that's all I needed to wipe away any courage I had.  It's not her fault.  But I look for any excuse to let the fear take over.  And I got it.  I did bring my clothes and makeup with me, but never put them on.  I know one of my friends was disappointed.  But I just couldn't muster up the courage again.  Maybe some other time I can do it.  Why did I let the fear win??  Why am I always looking for an excuse not to do it??  What was the worse that could have happened??  Nothing, but I gave in anyway.  Ugh.