Facebook Status

Below is a post from a good friend of mine… it was too well written not to share:

Recently, a friend implied that who he voted for in this election doesn’t matter, and if I want to see real change I should “get off the couch and start effecting the change you claim to want.” Because the politicians don’t matter, it’s all about the people. 
How dare you. How dare you sit there and tell me to get off my couch and effect the change I claim to want. How dare you even assume that I am not. The idea that any out and open gay man is not fighting for change is ridiculous, and show’s how little you know of me. 

Let’s first talk about the changes I want. I would like the same rights that you have as a straight man. Namely, I would like to be able to marry my husband, in whatever state I please. I would like the tax incentives that come from that. I would like to be on insurance together and not have to file it as “taxable income” I would like to be able to visit him in the hospital if he were sick and not fear that some bigot might not let me in as I am not a “relative.” I would like for our future children to be able to legally have us both as their father. I would like to not have to face having queer or faggot written on my door at work. I would like to not wake up every day, every day, and read in the news how some public figure has called people like me an abomination, or less then, or compared us to pedophiles, or that God hates me, or that I am the downfall of society. I would like to not read in the paper how all of this is too much for some of our teenagers to take and decide that life isn’t worth living and kill themselves. I would not like to have to fight every damn day of my life, solely for being who I am. None of these are things a straight white man have had to ever fight for or even think about. 

But I do. Every day. I fight. I have been at the NH State House for hearings on Marriage Equality. I have worked tirelessly on diversity panels, committees, and groups that have worked to educated fellow faculty, staff, and students at the universities I have worked at. I have served on regional committees that have presented conferences on GLBT rights throughout New England. I have spoken to lecture halls full of students that I don’t even know about what it’s like to “come out” and to be a gay man. I have counseled GLBT students and teenagers when they haven’t known what to do after their parents have kicked them out or someone has called them something unimaginable. I teach a class on perspective and gaining a world view, seeing more than your own life experiences. I have engaged perfect strangers on using terms such as “that’s so gay” or “faggott.” I have tried to educate my friends and family on the candidates and what they stand for and what would happen to me and my rights if certain ones are elected. I have come into the place where I worked to have Faggot spray painted across my door, and have kept going. I have gone to a job where students have spit in my face and called me a faggot, and have had to go back and have an “educational moment” with them. I have woken up on days where even I have become depressed about the amount of hate and anger their is towards people like me in the news, but I have kept going. So yes, I have fought, and I will continue to fight.

It’s true, politics are only one piece of the puzzle. By voting for Obama will everything magically change over night? No, of course not. However, by voting for Romney and Ryan, we are putting two people in charge of this country that support the belief that I am less than. That want to actively work to take away my rights and make me fight even harder. That will be an example to people in this country and around the world that it’s ok to treat gays or women as less, because the President doesn’t like gay people so why should we. 

This election is so much more than just economics, healthcare, immigration, or military spending for me. Those are all important issues, but my rights as a person, my freedom to live as who I am are so much more important than any of that. This election is about electing someone who can be an example for our country. To show that we need to treat everyone equally, like our fore-fathers stated. That no matter who I love, it’s ok and it doesn’t matter what you think your religion says about that, because it’s your religion, not mine. I want my President to be an example to our country, just as I want to be an example to my friends, family, students, and community. I want my President to fight for me and my rights, just like I am fighting for myself and my rights. 

No matter what though, I will continue to fight, because I have no choice. Living as an out gay man in this country you have to fight. There is no sitting on the couch and letting it happen. You fight every damned day whether you want to or not. That is why I am voting for Obama. That is why I hope that my friends, family, and those important to me are voting for Obama. That is why it hurts so damned much when people I love and respect share their support for Romney. Because it’s not just a vote for his small government or his military spending. It’s a vote that says your paycheck is more important than me as a person. It’s a vote that says I am less than you, and that we are not equal. It’s a vote that says I need to fight harder.

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.

So Much Hate... Why?

It seems no matter where you turn there is hate towards the LGBT community.  Why?  Since I embraced myself as transgender, I am becoming more and more aware of all the hate.  With Chick-fil-a, with the debates over same-sex marriage so much hate.  The people I follow on Tumblr post their asks on their blog and many anonymous people say such hateful things.  Again I ask why?  What is so wrong with being a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender that people hate us so much.  We do not hurt anyone.  We just want to lead normal lives without being hated.

Yesterday I read an article about parents of transgender children.  It talked about the fears they had.  They had to hide the fact that their kids were transgender.  They tried to go "stealth".  But when it was discovered that their girls were born boys or their boys were born girls, they ended up having to move to get away from the bullying and hate.  Why as a society can we not accept everyone for who they are?  I remember the first article I read about a transgender individual.  It was about Cece.  Who is now in jail for killing her attacker in self defense.  She was beaten and could have been killed, but faced her attacker in a kill or be killed situation.  Fearing for her life she ended up killing her attacker.  Now she is in jail.  Why?  It was self defense.  But the bigger question is why did those people hate her so much to want to kill her?  Why is there so much violence against the LGBT community?

This past weekend my wife and I watched a documentary on HBO about Vito Russo.  "Vito was one of the pivotal players in many of these gay rights organizations during their formative years. He was an early member of GAA (Gay Activists Alliance), whose goal was to secure basic human rights, dignity and freedom for all gay people. He was one of the co-founders of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), which was formed to ensure that media representation of gays and lesbians was accurate. Towards the end of his life, he was one of the founders of ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), a guerilla activist group whose goal was to bring legislation, medical research, treatment and policies to ultimately eradicate the AIDS epidemic."  This was a very informative documentary.  What was very interesting was the part about his project "The Celluloid Closet."  In his project he documented homosexuals in film from it's beginning.  It showed how there has always been homosexuals in film.  In the early years the characters were shown as normal people.  There was nothing wrong with a man kissing another man, a woman kissing another woman, two men dancing together, men in woman's clothes, woman in men's clothes, etc.  Then, I think in the 40's (I maybe wrong on the decade) there was an act that prohibited any homosexual acts or characters in film.  Around the 60's the ban was beginning to lift, but the homosexual characters were then shown as evil or bad people.  They were being shown in a very negative light.  It continued on that way until around the early 80's.  But with 20 some odd years of anything homosexual being shown as bad, the damage had been done.

As much as I don't like to admit it, our society is shaped by what we see on TV, in the movies, and hear in music.  With such homophobia being ingrained in our minds, I started to see why there is so much hate.  Society was brain washed into thinking anything homosexual was bad, evil or wrong.  Now this also sheds some light on the reason why the younger generations in today's society are more accepting.  With media portraying homosexuals in a better light as normal characters with nothing wrong with it and social icons such as Ellen Degeneres coming out as gay and Chaz Bono coming out as a transgender man, the younger generations are more accepting.  This gives me hope that one day the old homophobia will die out and be replaced with an accepting society.  It may take a few generations, but there is hope.

Ups and Downs

As I become more accepting of myself wanting to become a woman, I have noticed that I have highs and lows of the urges.  There have been times when the urge is not as dominant.  I let the masculine side show through and I am more attracted to women.  But then there are times like I am going through right now.  The urge is very high with me wanting to be a woman.  I am praying and wishing almost every hour for some "magic" (which I know is unrealistic) to change me into a woman.  I look at women and think its not fair that they are female and I am not.  I want to dress more feminine. I can't get the thoughts of being a woman out of my head.  As time has been progressing I have noticed the highs are lasting longer and longer and the lows only last a brief time.

Dreams

Yesterday I had a work event where I was unable to smoke all day.  So I put on a patch to get me through the day.  I forgot to take the patch off last night so the dreams started flowing.  It felt like I had about 12 dreams last night.  But only one of them was long and really vivid.  As usual it was weird....

I dreamt I was at my parents house with my wife and my parents were out of town.  For some reason they had a boarder living at their house.  It was a distant family member and his girlfriend.  He was not around but his girlfriend was.  Throughout the whole dream she was naked.  Not sure why.  As the dream progressed she mentioned that she was hearing weird noises at night.  We decided to stay up and investigate.  We discovered a smuggling ring that was using secret passages in the house.  I confronted the leader and she was threatening me, so I tried calling 911.  For some reason, there was a contest that you could win if you were a certain caller to 911.  *Like I said "weird"*

All of a sudden there were a bunch of people at the house setting up staging and lights.  They were very loud making it difficult to talk to the 911 operator to explain the situation.  Finally I got through.  The police arrived and stopped the smuggling ring.  By that time there were a bunch of people at the house having a party.  One of the people at the house was a friend of mine from High School, Kara.  She was depressed because she felt that she would never date anyone and lose her virginity.  I always found it difficult to believe that she had issues dating people because she was so beautiful.  She then told me that she had always admired me and wish we had gotten together.  I tried consoling her and as I did she kept kissing.  It felt so good to kiss her, but I was married.  She pulled me on top of her and she continued to kiss me.  At that point my wife walked in and pulled me aside.  I explained to her that I was trying to stop her and that I was only consoling her because she was depressed about never dating anyone and having not lost her virginity yet.  My wife then told me to fulfill Kara's wish and sleep with her.  I being surprised, went to Kara.  I told her my wife has given me permission to be with her.  At that point she pulled me on top of her again and started kissing me again.  She opened her shirt to expose her breasts.  Then she started to hike up her skirt.  I removed her panties as she unzipped my pants.  As I kissed her breasts, she started stroking my penis.  Then she positioned herself and guided my penis into her vagina.  As soon as I started to insert my penis, my alarm went off...  It felt so real.   I wonder why I dreamt about her.  I have never had a dream about her before.  Hmmmmm.   Oh well. 

Down the Rabbit Hole

In my past I have done a few extra curricular activities.  I have been thinking about some of the times I did them and figured I would write about them.

My first experience was with acid.  My best friend from High School convinced me to do it when I was on break my freshman year of College.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, but I figured what's the harm in a little experimentation.  I do not remember all the events of that evening but a few.  I remember putting the acid paper on my tongue.  Then as we waited for the effects to start we played 1080 (a snow boarding game on the N64).  As we played the effects of the acid started.  I remember thinking the snow was coming out of the TV.  It was an amazing feeling.  My friend showed me the true reason for black light paintings.  They were moving.  I felt like I could see the music and taste the colors.  He put on a Homer Simpson mask and I could have sworn he had transformed into Homer Simpson.  It was wild.  I remember not wanting to look in the mirror.  Not sure why... I think my friend was trying to convince me not too.  I remember looking out the window into his back yard and seeing 9 naked women dancing around a fire.  I convinced him to go outside with me and try to find them.  They disappeared.  I don't remember anything else from that night.

When I started working at an outdoor theatre in NC, ecstasy was popular and my second summer there, I was convinced to try it.  I was surrounded by friends and felt it was safe.  Everyone was giving me tips to make the most out of the experience and to be safe.  They also made sure there were a few sober people to make sure everyone was ok. I remember being handed the pill and taking it with a glass of water.  I was sitting on a couch and was told to relax and let it start.  I remember starting to feel it work in my hands.... like a warm wave.  Then my eyes started fluttering.  I felt warm and happy.  I couldn't sit still.  I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time.  No matter where I went there was always someone making sure I was hydrated.  I went out of the house onto the beach and felt the sand beneath my feet and in between my toes.  It felt so amazing.  Everyone was hugging each other and it felt so good to give and receive hugs.  One of the guys told me that frosting tastes amazing on the tongue.  He put some frosting in his mouth then kissed me with it and massaged my tongue with his.  This was the first time I kissed another guy.  It felt so good.  I didn't want to stop, but I did.  As the night progressed, all the water made me have to pee.  So I went to the bathroom to pee and there were 6 people in the shower, all naked.  They invited me to join them.  I had never been in a shower with other people before.  I was trying so hard not to stare at their naked bodies.  Most of them were dancers, so they had amazing bodies.  My hand grazed one of the guy's penis and I got shivers up and down my spine.  It was too much for me so I got out of the shower and dried off.  Soon after that a bunch of people decided to walk to the theatre and walk around it naked.  I figured hay why not.  So off to the theatre we went.  We stayed there until just before sunrise.  As the sun was coming up, I walked back to the house and then headed back to my apartment.  That was an amazing night.  I was hooked.

I became addicted to ecstasy.  I loved the feeling it gave me.  I remember almost all the times I "rolled", but some just come in flashes of one part of that night.  Here are a few more nights that stand out:

One summer at the outdoor theatre, my best friend came down to visit.  He brought some "e" with him and a couple of tabs of acid.  He sold the "e" to my normal rolling group and the acid was for me and him to candy flip (ecstasy and acid).  This was my first time candy flipping.  It was crazy.  The events of the night didn't seem to be sequential.  It was like one second it was 9pm at night then 3 am then 11pm.  Time seemed to just jump around.  I remember when the effects started.  I was sitting on the porch and all of a sudden the grain of the wood started pulsing.  The best part of candy flipping is not only do you see things because of the acid, you have the energy to go after the things due to the "e".    I remember walking down to the beach and thinking I saw a bunch of people having an orgy.  It was just rocks, but it seemed real.  Most of the night I couldn't think straight.... I was like a 5 year old again... it was so fun and I had no worries or inhibitions.

When I was in college, I used to roll with a girl and her boyfriend a lot.  They were the first ones I sort of outed myself to.  It used to be great times.  We would listen to Sublime and play Uno waiting for the effects to start.  FYI it is so hard to concentrate on playing Uno when you are rolling.  It was interesting rolling with them.  I felt very comfortable with them.  She showed me how she used a back massager to masturbate.  We would all get naked and play cards.  I would play dress up in her clothes.  One night, when my now ex wife was visiting we rolled with them and my friends sister and husband.  That night was very sexual.  That was the first time I had sex in front of anyone.  My ex made out with my friends sister.  My ex couldn't get enough of going down on me.  Stupidly we left before I realized we could of had an orgy. 

Another rolling night happened at Boo Bash in 2003.  A bunch of us decided to go and roll.  We dressed up as catholic school girls.  Out of all of us, I was the most passable as a girl.  To the point I was able to go into the girls bathroom without question.  I almost got in trouble for being in the men's bathroom because one of the security guards thought I was really a girl.  That was a great night.  I felt free and felt like a woman.

Another interesting night was rolling with my best friend's daughters mother.  They lived together but were not together.  I ended up sleeping with her that night.  I unfortunately did that because I wanted to be closer to my best friend.  I think that was the only time rolling that I did something I regretted.  I almost destroyed our friendship.  It took years to get our friendship back.

There are many more nights I could write about, but I will stop for now here.  I hope to soon roll again with my wife and one of my best friends.  That will hopefully be a fun night.  We shall see.

Weird Dream

On March 12th I had another weird dream....

I dreamt that my wife and I went over to Liz's to roll one night.  She said she had gotten some new stuff that would change our lives.  She said it's like a candy flip but more real feeling.  Since I'm always willing to try something new and really needed to let go, I was all for it and my wife & Liz's husband were amazingly easy to convince.  We each popped our pills and then sat and waited for the effects to kick in.

After about 45 minutes, things started to get interesting.  As normal, we all started feeling tingly and had eye flutters.  Then we started seeing stuff, like the invisible bugs that Liz's dog tries to eat.  After about 15 minutes, we started getting all touchy feely and started talking very openly.  I had opened up more about wanting to be a woman and how I wish I could be experiencing this as a woman.  Jen mentioned that if I get to be a woman then she gets to be a man.  Then Liz joked that her husband Joe couldn't survive as a woman and he poked back that Liz that she couldn't handle being a guy.  As we all went back and forth, still all touchy feely, the room started to spin and we all were getting light headed and our vision was blurring.

We started feeling very funny.  We thought we were getting sick, but boy were we wrong.  We then noticed that each of us were starting to change.  Joe's and my hair were getting longer and our faces were getting smoother.  Both my wife's and Liz's hair got shorter and their voices were getting deeper.  We were starting to really freak out.  Joe & I were changing into girls and Liz & my wife were turning into guys.  After about 20 minutes the transformations were complete and we were still feeling the candy flipping effects.  So not only were we now opposite sexes we were still rolling and tripping.  This was leading into an interesting night.

Joe couldn't keep his hands off his new body.   He just stood in front of a mirror touching himself.  Liz was having fun peeing while standing up.  My wife loved feeling so strong.  Me, well I was in heaven.  This is what I've always wanted.  My female body was luckily about Liz's old body size, so I went up and raided her closet.  Finally being able to wear clothes that were designed for my new body.  It was interesting how all of us changed.  It wasn't like we turned into the opposite sex of ourselves, ie I didn't look the the genetic female of myself.  We all looked like new people, but we each had perfect fit bodies.  Which then posed another interesting situation: since the drug we were on had similar effects to E, we were all super horny, no matter what body we had.  Also our inhibitions were almost none existent.  We all decided to go skinny dip in the hot tub together so we could admire and explore our new bodies.  We had a difficult time telling who used to who since we were so high, but we didn't care.  It became an orgy in the hot tub.  Everyone was touching and kissing each other.  It didn't matter if it was Joe kissing Liz or Joe kissing me or Liz kissing my wife.  Gender didn't matter.  Guy on guy or girl on girl or girl on guy.  Everything thing was allowed.  Both Liz and my wife in their new bodies were each giving Joe and I lessons on giving head.  As we got hotter, we moved our escapades inside to the bed room.  We each took turns sleeping with each other.  At some point we all finally passed out.

When we woke in the morning we were all shocked to find out we were still in our new bodies.  Panicking Liz called the guy she got the stuff from.  He said "oh, did I forget to mention be careful what you wish for when you are on this stuff and never have sex or any changes that had occurred would be permanent.  Liz let out a loud "FUCK".  There was no reversing this.  We were stuck.  The plus side is reality re aligned itself to as if we had always been in these bodies.  We did try doing the drug again to see if it would change us back, but it only gave us the normal drug effects, no body changing, wish granting.  I guess we just have to get used to our new reality.

A month after the change, both Joe and I discovered we were pregnant.  At that point I woke up.

This is the first dream I've actually been able to remember in detail since I changed to step 2 on the patch.  This is also the second dream I've had about becoming pregnant.  Interesting.

That Time Again

It's that time of the month again.  My wife is due to start her period, which means my hormones are going out of whack.  I'm starting to get more emotional (like I wasn't bad enough) and my female urges get stronger.  I'm kind of sad that I'm no longer on Step 1 of the patch, because I always had the best dreams during this time.  Some so real that I thought I was a woman.  But this time just the normal strong urges. 

For example I wore heals on my way into work today.  Women's shoes are so much more comfortable than men's.  And I'm getting some sexual urges too this time around.  I hate to say it, but I have penis on the brain.  Not to be confused with my brain being in my penis.  All I can think about is having sex with a guy and especially going down on a guy.  I close my eyes and all I visualize is kneeling down in front of a guy, grabbing his penis and putting in my mouth.  Just typing this, I'm getting turned on.  These urges haven't been this strong before.  Normally it is a quick thought and then it's gone.  Today, it's all I can think about.  Maybe it wouldn't be so strong if I had ever done it before, or maybe it would be stronger.  I don't know.  Right now I wish I could just find a guy that I know that would let me try it on him.  Just once.  I think I need a cold shower now.

Self Image

So last night a very close friend of mine (who knows about my desire to become a woman) told another friend (with my permission) about me.  I was so worried, but to my amazement she was fine with it.  She is all accepting of me. 

This got me wondering.  When did I start doubting my friendships?  Why did I worry that they would reject me for wanting to be me?  I started analyzing myself and realized that I have a twisted self image.  I don't mean the one that's changing into the female self image, but the image I think people perceive.   I have always been reluctant in hugging and touching other people.  I have discovered that the self image of myself is one of the shy, quiet, creepy guy.  I am afraid that people find me creepy and don't want to be touched by me.  I'm afraid they will perceive something as unwanted sexual advance, but it's not. 

I don't know when this started, but looking back, it has been there for a long time.  Maybe it stems from my inner questioning of sexuality that has made me socially awkward.  I know I have an issue talking with people because I used to get picked on by bullies who told me everything I said was stupid.  This made me a quiet person.  I even have a slight stutter at times.  I know my fear of speaking in front of any size group was caused by two bullies in middle school that picked on me because I sang and acted in a play.  But at what point did I start think I creep-ed people out?  Did I do something or touch someone that made them feel awkward? 

I vaguely remember a night that a female friend of mine and I slept at male friend's house in High School and I may have had wandering hands due to curiosity.  But is that a real memory or a false one?  Did I try to emit a more sexual side toward girls that was unwanted due to my over compensating for the fact I was attracted to guys and wanted to be a girl?  I feel like I'm just being tolerated.  That no one really loves me.  I know that isn't true. Some of my friends tell me so.  Why can't I believe it?  Is it society causing these false self images? 

But there is something deeply rooted.  Need to break free of it.  I feel as though I have no self worth.  My boss criticized me for being to hard on myself.  Why can't I be happy with myself?  Why can't I love myself like others do?  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!   But I have hope.  I will break out of this.  I will love myself.  I will see myself as my friends see me.  I will believe in myself.  And I will hug with no hesitation. 

Sexuality

As I become more comfortable with who I am, I can't help but wonder about other people.  I know there are many of us that feel we were born in the wrong body, but how does that affect their sexuality?  For example, I feel I was born in the wrong body.  I should have been female.  I desire to be female.  But I do not really consider myself gay per say.  I am attracted to some woman as I am attracted to men.  The attraction to men is stronger than my attraction to women, but I consider myself BI.  My first thoughts when I see a woman naked is not attraction or a sexual desire, it is wow, why can't I be a woman and have a body like that.  When I look a women, I admire their clothes before their body.  When I look at a man naked, my first thoughts are I wonder what it would be like to go down on him.  Do the ways I think about men and women make me more gay than bi?  Don't get me wrong, I do occasionally get aroused by women, but it's not in my mind the typical arousal, if there is such a thing.  If I fantasize about a woman, I am usually also a woman in the fantasies.  I feel that if I were a woman, I would most likely be truly bi.  When I watch any porn, I get more aroused by the man than the woman.  But I do look at a vast array of nude pictures of woman, but it is more to fantasize about being them then to want to have sex with them.  Last time my wife and I had sex it took a bit to get me hard.  I'm almost sure that if I was to be in a room with any other woman naked, I would have a hard time getting aroused also.  Part of my evidence is when a friend answered all my questions about women, a typical guy would probably get aroused hearing about her going commando or how it feels to have sex as a woman.  For me, nothing.  Another case is when she came over for me to take a picture of her bare back.  I'm sure any normal guy would get aroused of just the thought they may see more because she is a beautiful woman, but again for me nothing.  I really think the more and more I get comfortable with myself wanting to be a woman, the more and more I don't get aroused by women.

So now that I've explained me, onto the questions.

1.  Would I be considered more heterosexual with bi tendencies since my mindset is female?
2.  Would I be considered more homosexual with bi tendencies since my body is male?
3.  How do other people like me perceive their sexuality?
4.  Are woman more inclined to have bi experiences than men?

The closest I have come to being with a guy is making out with a few men and a glancing touch of one man's penis.  My wife has had sex with another woman before.  Since then I have wondered what it feels like for woman to be with another woman.  I know with kissing other men that their lips were definitely not as soft as a woman's.  Do women please other women since they are more familiar with the female body?  If I were to have a sexual experience with another man would it be more pleasurable since I am more familiar with the male body?  I guess I won't know unless I try.  The only issue is I don't know any bi or gay men.  And I'm not sure if I would be able to get the nerve.  I always thought the best way for me to be able to be with a man was when I was rolling.  But now that time has passed and I may just go through life never knowing.  Also for me, I would much rather have known the person for a while then to start a new relationship.  Secretly I had always hoped I would be with one of my best friend's from High School that way.  There were times that I thought I saw possible opportunities, but never acted as I didn't want to misinterpret and ruin our friendship.  One instance that stands out was a Halloween a few years ago.  He brought his daughter by for Trick or Treat and after his daughter got in the car we stood and talked for a few minutes.  He mentioned a few times to me that he had been tested and was clean of any STD's and was good to go to have sex.  This is the first time he had ever said it to me in that manner.  I know he's been tested before, but just the way he said it, made me think he wanted to have sex with me.  Maybe it was just my mind giving me hope.  I don't know.  I used to sleep over his house many times in High School in the same bed as him, but we never did anything.  If there is anything I regret is not making a move the last time we rolled together.  Oh well.

Oh another event.  Maybe it was just again my mind giving me hope, but he was the first one I told about my desires to be a woman.  He was all fine with it.  Then when I got a new mattress, he took the old one.  I helped him move it into his apartment and I mentioned I was going to miss that mattress.  He told me if I ever miss it, I was more than welcome to sleep over on it with him.  Hmmm.... maybe someday I can say I miss it and sleep over and find out.