Why is it so hard for us to see greatness in ourselves? Why can’t we believe we are good enough? Why is it hard to believe when others say they love us? Why are we so broken? Has society beaten us down to have no self worth? When my friends put themselves down, it hurts because I know how amazing they are. But when they try to tell me how good I am, I can never see it. I can’t see why they love me. I can’t see that I’m worth it. But they can’t see it in themselves either. We tell each other how great the other is, in hopes of them believing even when we don’t. I want to believe. I want to feel the love. I want to see greatness within. And I want others to see the greatness in themselves. Everyone I’ve met has greatness in them. They are amazing parents, the bestest of friends, great singers, great dancers, amazing artists, just down right amazing people. I try to praise my friends as much as I can because I do see greatness in them even if they can’t. I hope some day it will finally sink in.
To steal and modify a quote from Doctor Who: In my 35 years of life, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
The Loss of a Friend
I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. It’s so hard losing a friend so young. Even though we only worked together for three summers and then became FB friends, he made such a huge impact on my life. If it wasn’t for him, I would have never discovered my passion for Lighting and Light Design in theater. Back in 1999 we both applied to work for an outdoor theater in NC (The Lost Colony). He applied for lighting and I applied for sound. Somehow they mixed up our resumes and I got put in lighting and he got put in sound. We didn’t discover the mix up until a couple weeks into the rehearsal of the show. But I discovered my love for lights and he discovered his love for sound.
He was also the first guy I ever kissed. We were at a party, everyone doing “e” and he kissed me. I had always been attracted to guys, but had never done anything. So he gave me that first experience.
After I had moved back to CT, we lost touch for a while until finding each other on Facebook. That was about 2 years ago. Unfortunately he was already diagnosed with brain cancer and had tumors growing. It was so tough watching him deteriorate these past 2 years. He had such a beautiful soul. He always had a positive outlook. Even to the end.
Now he has taken his final march to a better place. No more pain. No more suffering. He will be remembered.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Darkness
Last night I had another great therapy session. Near the end of the session we discussed a part of my past that I have very rarely shared. The result of the, what seemed endless, bullying in school. Something I was able to hide from almost everyone. Along with hiding the constant bullying from family and friends, I hid my nightly ritual. This is not easy to write about. When my world seemed to be collapsing around me starting in 6th grade: losing all my friends and the start of the bullying, I started to contemplate suicide and I self harmed. Almost every night I would sit up in my bed with either a knife or a bottle of pills. Almost every night I thought it would be easier to just end it than deal with the pain any longer.
As I am still here, I never fully followed through. Maybe deep down I knew that things would eventually get better, even though it seemed impossible. I had felt so alone. I felt I had no one who really cared about me. It started with just holding the knife in my hand. Trying to bring it to my wrist. Then a bottle of pills in my hand, trying to bring it to my mouth. I was very hesitant at first, even though I really wanted my pain to end. Over a matter of weeks, the hesitation eased. That is when I began cutting. I started light. Barely breaking the skin. I pressed down just hard enough to cut through the top layer of skin. It only looked like scratches. Fearing what my parents would say with what my wrist was starting to look like, I moved to my inner thighs. Each night I'd go a bit deeper. Soon drawing blood. I would just watch as the blood came to the surface and run down the cut. I can't explain how it made me feel.... just maybe having the physical pain made the emotional pain subside, just for a moment.
I hit my apex in my junior year of high school. One night I finally got the nerve to take the pills. I had no idea what pills to take. So I downed a full bottle of Aleve and prayed I would not wake up the next morning. Apparently I couldn't die from taking a full bottle of Aleve. I started thinking of other ways to end my life. A girl in my class J.W. saw the signs. Over a couple of weeks she convinced me not to kill myself. I still cut, but not as deep as I used to. The pain was still there, but having someone see the signs and care gave me hope. I tried so hard to hide it from everyone in my life. Why I let my guard down to show her what I was feeling maybe was a subconscious cry for help.
Soon after that is when I began smoking. I made the conscious effort to replace my nightly ritual of cutting with a nightly cigarette. Over the next year or so I had completely stopped cutting as long as I had that nightly cigarette. If I skipped the cigarette, I would have that knife back in my hand. Smoking became my vice. A bad habit, yes, but I was no longer suicidal. I found something that made me feel good. Each drag just made the pain easier to deal with. By then also my life was getting better. I found myself surrounded by great friends, especially B, N, H, & M. How I hid this from them, I don't know. I put on such a good act I guess.
A few years later in college, things seemed to get bad again. I was far away from my friends. Getting bullied again. I was trying losing it, so I started cutting again. I picked up the knife with such ease. I still remember that night crystal clear. I can still feel how the blade felt going across my wrist. I, as usual, didn't not cut deep. Just enough for a little blood. I cut for the next few weeks or so. I finally stopped when I started dating my ex. After dating for a while, I felt it was time to put away the knife for good. I decided to get a celtic tattoo on my wrist to remind me not to cut. The reason I chose celtic was because I was part scottish and in my mind every time I look at the tattoo it will remind me of all those that came before me and they endured, so I should be able to endure to.
Since getting the tattoo, I have not cut. I've thought about it, but I have too much to live for now. No matter how bad I feel, I just need to look at my wife and feel her love. She is my reason for being. And I would never want to hurt her. When things get bad, instead of cutting I may pick a scab or pick the skin by my nails. That's the extent of my self harm now. Since quitting smoking cigarettes, it has been a little difficult not having that ritual, but thankfully I am smoking pipe tobacco once a day. That has given me my nightly ritual back. It's a close substitute.
I like to think that maybe way back when I started cutting, the deep down reason I didn't take my life is because the fates knew what I'd have now: a loving wife, 3 wonderful kitties, 3 best friends, and an amazing famylie.
As I am still here, I never fully followed through. Maybe deep down I knew that things would eventually get better, even though it seemed impossible. I had felt so alone. I felt I had no one who really cared about me. It started with just holding the knife in my hand. Trying to bring it to my wrist. Then a bottle of pills in my hand, trying to bring it to my mouth. I was very hesitant at first, even though I really wanted my pain to end. Over a matter of weeks, the hesitation eased. That is when I began cutting. I started light. Barely breaking the skin. I pressed down just hard enough to cut through the top layer of skin. It only looked like scratches. Fearing what my parents would say with what my wrist was starting to look like, I moved to my inner thighs. Each night I'd go a bit deeper. Soon drawing blood. I would just watch as the blood came to the surface and run down the cut. I can't explain how it made me feel.... just maybe having the physical pain made the emotional pain subside, just for a moment.
I hit my apex in my junior year of high school. One night I finally got the nerve to take the pills. I had no idea what pills to take. So I downed a full bottle of Aleve and prayed I would not wake up the next morning. Apparently I couldn't die from taking a full bottle of Aleve. I started thinking of other ways to end my life. A girl in my class J.W. saw the signs. Over a couple of weeks she convinced me not to kill myself. I still cut, but not as deep as I used to. The pain was still there, but having someone see the signs and care gave me hope. I tried so hard to hide it from everyone in my life. Why I let my guard down to show her what I was feeling maybe was a subconscious cry for help.
Soon after that is when I began smoking. I made the conscious effort to replace my nightly ritual of cutting with a nightly cigarette. Over the next year or so I had completely stopped cutting as long as I had that nightly cigarette. If I skipped the cigarette, I would have that knife back in my hand. Smoking became my vice. A bad habit, yes, but I was no longer suicidal. I found something that made me feel good. Each drag just made the pain easier to deal with. By then also my life was getting better. I found myself surrounded by great friends, especially B, N, H, & M. How I hid this from them, I don't know. I put on such a good act I guess.
A few years later in college, things seemed to get bad again. I was far away from my friends. Getting bullied again. I was trying losing it, so I started cutting again. I picked up the knife with such ease. I still remember that night crystal clear. I can still feel how the blade felt going across my wrist. I, as usual, didn't not cut deep. Just enough for a little blood. I cut for the next few weeks or so. I finally stopped when I started dating my ex. After dating for a while, I felt it was time to put away the knife for good. I decided to get a celtic tattoo on my wrist to remind me not to cut. The reason I chose celtic was because I was part scottish and in my mind every time I look at the tattoo it will remind me of all those that came before me and they endured, so I should be able to endure to.
Since getting the tattoo, I have not cut. I've thought about it, but I have too much to live for now. No matter how bad I feel, I just need to look at my wife and feel her love. She is my reason for being. And I would never want to hurt her. When things get bad, instead of cutting I may pick a scab or pick the skin by my nails. That's the extent of my self harm now. Since quitting smoking cigarettes, it has been a little difficult not having that ritual, but thankfully I am smoking pipe tobacco once a day. That has given me my nightly ritual back. It's a close substitute.
I like to think that maybe way back when I started cutting, the deep down reason I didn't take my life is because the fates knew what I'd have now: a loving wife, 3 wonderful kitties, 3 best friends, and an amazing famylie.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Fear
I remember when I was younger, like very young, I had no fear. I was out going, energetic, very extroverted. But that fearless kid vanished and has been replaced with an adult full of fear. Over the years, series of events kept adding on the fear. I acknowledge that I have fear, but I can't keep it from running my life. I know how I got some of my fears:
- Fear of heights: I fell off a ladder and a genie lift I was in tipped and fall over with me hanging on to pipes above me. Now heights terrify me.
- Fear of public speaking: In sixth grade I had one of the male leads in Anne of Greene Gables the musical. Kids whom I thought were my friends made fun of me constantly for singing and being in a play. Since then I hate being in the spot light. I hate speaking in front of groups, no matter the size. I start shaking and stuttering. It terrifies me to the bone.
However, I'm not sure where my other fears come from:
- Atelophobia= the fear of not being good enough
- Social fear
- Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
- Clautrophobia=the fear of enclosed spaces
I know I have been bullied my whole life. Well not my whole whole life, but since sixth grade. I don't know what happened in middle school, but I lost all my friends. Most of them were into sports and since I wasn't, I was no longer good enough to hang out with them. They started making fun of me for no reason. Most of my middle school life, I had no friends. No one to hang out with, no one to eat lunch with, no one to talk in class with. I was so alone. The only attention I got was being bullied and picked on by kids that used to be my friends. I had hoped the bullying would have ended in high school, but no. The same kids and some new ones continued the bullying and picking on and name calling. When I found the drama club, I finally had a refuge, but even there I didn't feel like I totally belonged. With so much bullying, I thought no one liked me. I started to fear letting people in because I thought they would eventually turn and hate me and become another bully. It got so bad that most nights I would lie in bed with either a bottle of pills or a knife wanting to stop the pain. I was never able to take the pills, but I had learned to cut, just to feel something. Never deep enough to kill myself. I just could never bring myself that far, even though I had thought about it so much. I kept thinking the world would be better off without me.
I did develop three really strong friendships in high school, but I always felt like I had to buy their friendship. I know that wasn't the case and they wanted to be around me for who I was and not what I did for them, but I couldn't let myself believe that. As I am older, I know so much better and I consider two of them my sisters and one my brother. To think back of what I thought I had to do for their friendship... I was a fool.
I went away to college in hopes to leave the bullying behind me and start fresh. Instead I found a new group of bullies. Never physical bullying, but constant verbal abuse. Even after joining a fraternity in hopes to have a group to protect me, the bullying continued. You know the phrase "I wouldn't pick on you if I didn't like you"? Those who say that are still bullying you and don't realize how much their teasing and picking on really hurts. I can take a joke, just not when I'm constantly attacked. I've had bullies around me for a very long time. I think the longer I heard their words, the more I believed them. They destroyed my self esteem. I feel so little of myself. I always have this sense of worthlessness. I never feel good enough. I feel I don't deserve the wonderful wife I have, or the amazing friends I have. I think people just put up with me instead of actually wanting me around. This has all crippled me socially. I get such social anxiety. I hate going to parties. I feel so alone. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting made fun of, or doing the wrong thing to get made fun of. It gets so bad that I fear even spending time with my friends. There are people I would love to go see and spend time with, but the fear takes over and I never do it. One of my best friends, she lives down the street from me.... literally down the street and I let fear keep me from seeing her. Another best friend lives just in the next town over, and I let fear keep me from seeing him. I don't want to impose on any of them. I don't want to feel like I'm putting them out. It's destroying me. I let the fear twist everything in my head. I just can't stop it. And most of this, I kept bottled up. This is the first time letting this all out. I just bottle up and make excuses like I'm busy with plans, when I am really just too scared to go out. And god forbid anyone come over. I never have people over because it just scares the crap out of me. What if the house is a mess? What if I missed some cat fur and they are allergic? What if the house smells? What if I don't have food to feed them or drink to offer them? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I say the wrong thing? It just overwhelms me. Deep down I would love to have my friends over to our house, but I can't get over the fear to do it.
I hate feeling this way. I hope my therapist can help me with this. It is not healthy and I can't keep living like this. And being transgender just adds more fear of bullying and people not liking me. I hope to one day over come all of this. One day.
Friday, July 26, 2013
The In Between Stage
Starting to hate this in between stage. Tomorrow we have a party to go to at a friends house whom I'm not out to yet. Normally ok I can be in boy mode, except there is a pool and everyone goes swimming. It's gonna be hard to hide my growing breasts. Cuz they are noticeable as breasts now. Not sure how they will take it if I come out to them. Either they could be like everyone else and be like "yeah we knew that" or they could not accept me. It's so hard to know. Ugh. We're still going to go, but I'm just worried. I know that if they can't accept me for who I am then they really aren't friends, but I don't want that pain if they can't accept me.
This is worry and stress is also weighing down on my wife. I hate doing this to her. Why can't the world be more accepting? Why does it have to be hateful and ignorant?
Ugh.
This is worry and stress is also weighing down on my wife. I hate doing this to her. Why can't the world be more accepting? Why does it have to be hateful and ignorant?
Ugh.
Friday, June 21, 2013
6 Months and Counting
I can't believe it has been 6 months since starting hormones. Time is flying. I never thought I would ever get to this point. When I first admitted to myself that I was transgender, I never thought I would actually transition. I didn't think I had the strength and courage. But here I am, 6 months on hormones and going strong.
Not much to report in changes. Some really really minor facial changes. Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's). I have gained some weight. Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time. Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight. The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian. For some reason my body is rejecting most meats. Like eating meat makes me physically sick. This has happened once before about 17 years ago. That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time. So here's hoping it works the same way.
My emotions have been all over the place. It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years. Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor. Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it. FYI it was the size of a small watermelon. Yikes. But I cared all that stress for two years. Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender. Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year. It's been a ride. But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.
I am very thankful for our support system. My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle. We call it Famylie. We are very close and supportive of each other. We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned. They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through. Always supportive.
That's all I got for now.
Not much to report in changes. Some really really minor facial changes. Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's). I have gained some weight. Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time. Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight. The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian. For some reason my body is rejecting most meats. Like eating meat makes me physically sick. This has happened once before about 17 years ago. That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time. So here's hoping it works the same way.
My emotions have been all over the place. It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years. Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor. Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it. FYI it was the size of a small watermelon. Yikes. But I cared all that stress for two years. Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender. Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year. It's been a ride. But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.
I am very thankful for our support system. My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle. We call it Famylie. We are very close and supportive of each other. We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned. They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through. Always supportive.
That's all I got for now.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Been Awhile
I know it has been a while since I have written. Life and work have been busy for me. Now to try to remember what has happened since last I wrote... hmmmm.
I've talked to my mom more about my transition. Tried to explain it better for her to understand. She is slowly understanding. She is still fearful of my grandmother and great aunt finding out. They are very religious and very old school. Showed her the picture of me standing at the train station on my way to the pride parade in NYC dressed as a woman. She seemed to handle it ok. She made me show my father, he was hard to read on what he thought. She also told my sister about the picture and so I showed her the pic last week. She thought I looked cute. She loved the shoes I had on.
A couple of weekends ago I got to hang out with my friend M. We haven't hung out in several years but have been chatting on Google+. My wife, myself, her and her fiance went out to dinner and then hung out at their place. It was nice catching up over dinner. This is the first time I got to really talk with her fiance.... he is really nice and easy to talk to. After dinner we went back to their place to hang out. M had me bring my makeup stuff with me so she could help me with some makeup techniques. She was a big help. We took the lesson nice and slow. She had me apply the makeup while she explained how to apply it and why to do it a certain way. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. I haven't had a chance to practice since then, but it is still fresh in my mind. But if I forget she has offered to show me again, any time I need it. The makeup techniques she showed me were more of a natural everyday makeup instead of a going out at night makeup. The makeup came out good. She didn't have me apply much foundation or powder, which I think I need to apply more than normal right now since I have such a heavy five o'clock shadow. Can't wait to practice more. After the makeup lesson we sat and talked. Getting caught up from the years apart. Can't wait to hang out with her and her fiance again. I hope we don't lose touch again.
January 4th is approaching quickly. That is my first appointment with an endocrinologist to see about starting hormones. I am scared and excited about this. Excited that I'm taking the next step in my transition to be who I really am. Scared that once the hormones start working and I start having visible changes that I will have to be fully out and still not sure how work will react. Technically they can't fire me over it since we are in CT and there are anti discrimination laws against firing someone who is transgender. Still scary, but I need to take this next step.
Well, that's all I can think of right now. I will probably not get a chance to write again until after my endocrinologist appointment. If I don't Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.
I've talked to my mom more about my transition. Tried to explain it better for her to understand. She is slowly understanding. She is still fearful of my grandmother and great aunt finding out. They are very religious and very old school. Showed her the picture of me standing at the train station on my way to the pride parade in NYC dressed as a woman. She seemed to handle it ok. She made me show my father, he was hard to read on what he thought. She also told my sister about the picture and so I showed her the pic last week. She thought I looked cute. She loved the shoes I had on.
A couple of weekends ago I got to hang out with my friend M. We haven't hung out in several years but have been chatting on Google+. My wife, myself, her and her fiance went out to dinner and then hung out at their place. It was nice catching up over dinner. This is the first time I got to really talk with her fiance.... he is really nice and easy to talk to. After dinner we went back to their place to hang out. M had me bring my makeup stuff with me so she could help me with some makeup techniques. She was a big help. We took the lesson nice and slow. She had me apply the makeup while she explained how to apply it and why to do it a certain way. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. I haven't had a chance to practice since then, but it is still fresh in my mind. But if I forget she has offered to show me again, any time I need it. The makeup techniques she showed me were more of a natural everyday makeup instead of a going out at night makeup. The makeup came out good. She didn't have me apply much foundation or powder, which I think I need to apply more than normal right now since I have such a heavy five o'clock shadow. Can't wait to practice more. After the makeup lesson we sat and talked. Getting caught up from the years apart. Can't wait to hang out with her and her fiance again. I hope we don't lose touch again.
January 4th is approaching quickly. That is my first appointment with an endocrinologist to see about starting hormones. I am scared and excited about this. Excited that I'm taking the next step in my transition to be who I really am. Scared that once the hormones start working and I start having visible changes that I will have to be fully out and still not sure how work will react. Technically they can't fire me over it since we are in CT and there are anti discrimination laws against firing someone who is transgender. Still scary, but I need to take this next step.
Well, that's all I can think of right now. I will probably not get a chance to write again until after my endocrinologist appointment. If I don't Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
A Year in Review
It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*. It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends. Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come. And it has been a roller coaster ride. Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it. Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am. It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey. There have been good moments and bad. Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup. Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman. Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears. Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut. But every journey has it's highs and lows. So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it. I need to be me.
I still can't believe how far I have come in a year. Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am. Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing. I have embraced who I am. I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house. I am more comfortable talking to people about it. I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members. I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones. I can't wait to see what next year will bring.
I still can't believe how far I have come in a year. Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am. Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing. I have embraced who I am. I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house. I am more comfortable talking to people about it. I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members. I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones. I can't wait to see what next year will bring.
Monday, November 5, 2012
After Halloween Party Update
Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party. As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland". The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done. As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous. I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react. I was trying very hard to suppress the fear. My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm. As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair. She was running late. She didn't arrive until 7:40pm. That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold. Luckily I mustered up the courage. Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair. Here are a couple pics of the process:
Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup. That took about a half hour. We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned. Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:
Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed. Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me. I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party. I was scared. My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch. No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette. So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up. Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people. As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked. We ended up stopping and having pictures taken. Here are a couple of those:
After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me. I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party. I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what. We stayed at the party until midnight. It was such a great night. Now I can't wait until next year.
Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup. That took about a half hour. We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned. Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:
After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me. I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party. I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what. We stayed at the party until midnight. It was such a great night. Now I can't wait until next year.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Facebook Status
Below is a post from a good friend of mine… it was too well written not to share:
Recently, a friend implied that who he voted for in this election doesn’t matter, and if I want to see real change I should “get off the couch and start effecting the change you claim to want.” Because the politicians don’t matter, it’s all about the people.
How dare you. How dare you sit there and tell me to get off my couch and effect the change I claim to want. How dare you even assume that I am not. The idea that any out and open gay man is not fighting for change is ridiculous, and show’s how little you know of me.
Let’s first talk about the changes I want. I would like the same rights that you have as a straight man. Namely, I would like to be able to marry my husband, in whatever state I please. I would like the tax incentives that come from that. I would like to be on insurance together and not have to file it as “taxable income” I would like to be able to visit him in the hospital if he were sick and not fear that some bigot might not let me in as I am not a “relative.” I would like for our future children to be able to legally have us both as their father. I would like to not have to face having queer or faggot written on my door at work. I would like to not wake up every day, every day, and read in the news how some public figure has called people like me an abomination, or less then, or compared us to pedophiles, or that God hates me, or that I am the downfall of society. I would like to not read in the paper how all of this is too much for some of our teenagers to take and decide that life isn’t worth living and kill themselves. I would not like to have to fight every damn day of my life, solely for being who I am. None of these are things a straight white man have had to ever fight for or even think about.
But I do. Every day. I fight. I have been at the NH State House for hearings on Marriage Equality. I have worked tirelessly on diversity panels, committees, and groups that have worked to educated fellow faculty, staff, and students at the universities I have worked at. I have served on regional committees that have presented conferences on GLBT rights throughout New England. I have spoken to lecture halls full of students that I don’t even know about what it’s like to “come out” and to be a gay man. I have counseled GLBT students and teenagers when they haven’t known what to do after their parents have kicked them out or someone has called them something unimaginable. I teach a class on perspective and gaining a world view, seeing more than your own life experiences. I have engaged perfect strangers on using terms such as “that’s so gay” or “faggott.” I have tried to educate my friends and family on the candidates and what they stand for and what would happen to me and my rights if certain ones are elected. I have come into the place where I worked to have Faggot spray painted across my door, and have kept going. I have gone to a job where students have spit in my face and called me a faggot, and have had to go back and have an “educational moment” with them. I have woken up on days where even I have become depressed about the amount of hate and anger their is towards people like me in the news, but I have kept going. So yes, I have fought, and I will continue to fight.
It’s true, politics are only one piece of the puzzle. By voting for Obama will everything magically change over night? No, of course not. However, by voting for Romney and Ryan, we are putting two people in charge of this country that support the belief that I am less than. That want to actively work to take away my rights and make me fight even harder. That will be an example to people in this country and around the world that it’s ok to treat gays or women as less, because the President doesn’t like gay people so why should we.
This election is so much more than just economics, healthcare, immigration, or military spending for me. Those are all important issues, but my rights as a person, my freedom to live as who I am are so much more important than any of that. This election is about electing someone who can be an example for our country. To show that we need to treat everyone equally, like our fore-fathers stated. That no matter who I love, it’s ok and it doesn’t matter what you think your religion says about that, because it’s your religion, not mine. I want my President to be an example to our country, just as I want to be an example to my friends, family, students, and community. I want my President to fight for me and my rights, just like I am fighting for myself and my rights.
No matter what though, I will continue to fight, because I have no choice. Living as an out gay man in this country you have to fight. There is no sitting on the couch and letting it happen. You fight every damned day whether you want to or not. That is why I am voting for Obama. That is why I hope that my friends, family, and those important to me are voting for Obama. That is why it hurts so damned much when people I love and respect share their support for Romney. Because it’s not just a vote for his small government or his military spending. It’s a vote that says your paycheck is more important than me as a person. It’s a vote that says I am less than you, and that we are not equal. It’s a vote that says I need to fight harder.
How dare you. How dare you sit there and tell me to get off my couch and effect the change I claim to want. How dare you even assume that I am not. The idea that any out and open gay man is not fighting for change is ridiculous, and show’s how little you know of me.
Let’s first talk about the changes I want. I would like the same rights that you have as a straight man. Namely, I would like to be able to marry my husband, in whatever state I please. I would like the tax incentives that come from that. I would like to be on insurance together and not have to file it as “taxable income” I would like to be able to visit him in the hospital if he were sick and not fear that some bigot might not let me in as I am not a “relative.” I would like for our future children to be able to legally have us both as their father. I would like to not have to face having queer or faggot written on my door at work. I would like to not wake up every day, every day, and read in the news how some public figure has called people like me an abomination, or less then, or compared us to pedophiles, or that God hates me, or that I am the downfall of society. I would like to not read in the paper how all of this is too much for some of our teenagers to take and decide that life isn’t worth living and kill themselves. I would not like to have to fight every damn day of my life, solely for being who I am. None of these are things a straight white man have had to ever fight for or even think about.
But I do. Every day. I fight. I have been at the NH State House for hearings on Marriage Equality. I have worked tirelessly on diversity panels, committees, and groups that have worked to educated fellow faculty, staff, and students at the universities I have worked at. I have served on regional committees that have presented conferences on GLBT rights throughout New England. I have spoken to lecture halls full of students that I don’t even know about what it’s like to “come out” and to be a gay man. I have counseled GLBT students and teenagers when they haven’t known what to do after their parents have kicked them out or someone has called them something unimaginable. I teach a class on perspective and gaining a world view, seeing more than your own life experiences. I have engaged perfect strangers on using terms such as “that’s so gay” or “faggott.” I have tried to educate my friends and family on the candidates and what they stand for and what would happen to me and my rights if certain ones are elected. I have come into the place where I worked to have Faggot spray painted across my door, and have kept going. I have gone to a job where students have spit in my face and called me a faggot, and have had to go back and have an “educational moment” with them. I have woken up on days where even I have become depressed about the amount of hate and anger their is towards people like me in the news, but I have kept going. So yes, I have fought, and I will continue to fight.
It’s true, politics are only one piece of the puzzle. By voting for Obama will everything magically change over night? No, of course not. However, by voting for Romney and Ryan, we are putting two people in charge of this country that support the belief that I am less than. That want to actively work to take away my rights and make me fight even harder. That will be an example to people in this country and around the world that it’s ok to treat gays or women as less, because the President doesn’t like gay people so why should we.
This election is so much more than just economics, healthcare, immigration, or military spending for me. Those are all important issues, but my rights as a person, my freedom to live as who I am are so much more important than any of that. This election is about electing someone who can be an example for our country. To show that we need to treat everyone equally, like our fore-fathers stated. That no matter who I love, it’s ok and it doesn’t matter what you think your religion says about that, because it’s your religion, not mine. I want my President to be an example to our country, just as I want to be an example to my friends, family, students, and community. I want my President to fight for me and my rights, just like I am fighting for myself and my rights.
No matter what though, I will continue to fight, because I have no choice. Living as an out gay man in this country you have to fight. There is no sitting on the couch and letting it happen. You fight every damned day whether you want to or not. That is why I am voting for Obama. That is why I hope that my friends, family, and those important to me are voting for Obama. That is why it hurts so damned much when people I love and respect share their support for Romney. Because it’s not just a vote for his small government or his military spending. It’s a vote that says your paycheck is more important than me as a person. It’s a vote that says I am less than you, and that we are not equal. It’s a vote that says I need to fight harder.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Halloween Prep Update
So my Halloween costume arrived a few days ago. I was very reluctant in trying it on. I was afraid it wouldn't fit or I would look funny. After about two hours, I gave in to put it on. To my surprise it fit. But I wasn't too happy with the way it looked on me. However when my wife saw me in it she cheered me up. She said it fit perfectly and looked great. She said she was jealous of how good I looked in it. I am going to take her word for it since most times when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see. So I have decided I am going to wear the costume.
Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup. I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her. So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair. She was very excited I asked. She of course said yes. I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair. I was still worried about doing my makeup. Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me. She was offering to do my makeup and hair. I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup. She is the one who did my makeup for the first time. I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup. I can't wait to see the results. Also I get to have some great girl time. I can not wait.
Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share. I am very proud of my wife. She just got a promotion at her work. She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing. That also means a raise. That will definitely help us out more financially. So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less. This will also mean she makes more than me. She is the bread winner now. Our roles are truly reversed. But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife. She works so hard and deserves this.
Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup. I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her. So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair. She was very excited I asked. She of course said yes. I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair. I was still worried about doing my makeup. Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me. She was offering to do my makeup and hair. I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup. She is the one who did my makeup for the first time. I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup. I can't wait to see the results. Also I get to have some great girl time. I can not wait.
Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share. I am very proud of my wife. She just got a promotion at her work. She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing. That also means a raise. That will definitely help us out more financially. So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less. This will also mean she makes more than me. She is the bread winner now. Our roles are truly reversed. But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife. She works so hard and deserves this.
Friday, October 12, 2012
National Coming Out Day
Slowly over the past 10 months I have come out to small select group of friends and family about being a transgender woman. With yesterday being National Coming Out Day, I spent most of the day debating whether or not to come out to more friends. At 6pm, I made my decision. I came out to 50+ of my friends on facebook. I felt it was time to widen the circle of those who know. Again I was amazed at the love and support I received from them. I am so blessed for having the friends I have. It gives me hope that when I am fully out, I may be accepted by all. I just want to cry tears of joy.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Overreacting
I have this tendency to overreact to things. If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180. I don't know why I do it. A coping mechanism maybe. This weekend I overreacted. I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was. I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end. I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage. I had spent a lot of time thinking about it. Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.
On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning. I kept saying it was the best for us. I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition. I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back. Even maybe grow my goatee back. I thought I was fine with that. Give up everything for our marriage. But I was being eaten up inside. I felt a part of me dying.
Sunday evening I talked with my wife again. It took a while to get up the nerve. I told her I didn't want to stop. I couldn't stop. But I didn't want to add this stress onto her. I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks. As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman. The world is cruel. She felt the need to always have to protect me. And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny. It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions. The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl. To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.
Last night we came up with a solution. A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me. I would still dress at home. I would still dress when we are at a friends house. But I would not go out in public as a girl. If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave. This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house. We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby. I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible. In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time. We have now switched that. I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time. At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman. This will also then reduce the fear we both have.
I am happy with the plan we came up with. I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress. I'll try not to overreact in the future. No promises though ;P
On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning. I kept saying it was the best for us. I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition. I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back. Even maybe grow my goatee back. I thought I was fine with that. Give up everything for our marriage. But I was being eaten up inside. I felt a part of me dying.
Sunday evening I talked with my wife again. It took a while to get up the nerve. I told her I didn't want to stop. I couldn't stop. But I didn't want to add this stress onto her. I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks. As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman. The world is cruel. She felt the need to always have to protect me. And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny. It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions. The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl. To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.
Last night we came up with a solution. A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me. I would still dress at home. I would still dress when we are at a friends house. But I would not go out in public as a girl. If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave. This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house. We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby. I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible. In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time. We have now switched that. I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time. At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman. This will also then reduce the fear we both have.
I am happy with the plan we came up with. I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress. I'll try not to overreact in the future. No promises though ;P
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Referring to Myself
Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker on messenger (she is also one of my best friends). As we were chatting, I was updating a marketing flyer. One of the updates was adding a bullet point of 5 Docks. I ended up typing 5 Dicks. Thank goodness I noticed what I typed. Otherwise that would have been bad. So I told her what I typed, her response was "freud what?". I joked saying I guess I know what I have on the brain. She laughed. Then I made the comment of I'm sure you don't hear that often coming from a guy. That got me thinking. Do I still refer to myself as a guy? I mean I still look like a guy, but I think and feel like a girl. For people that know me being a transgender woman, do I start referring to myself as a girl or should I remain referring to myself as a guy until I start looking more like a girl and dressing more as a girl? My head hurt just thinking about it. I'm not sure how to approach that. When people on Tumblr, blogger, and Genderfest respond to me they all refer to me as a girl. At what point do I start referring to myself as a girl with my friends? Guess I have some thinking to do.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Support
Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house. She had a birthday present for me. While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit. During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning. First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C". "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are. "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning. My friend told her it was me. "S" said that was great and that she had always figured. Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls. It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did. "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents. My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him. After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive. He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am. That made me feel so happy.
Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me. Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays. Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party. This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway. I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.
Then my friend said she had an idea. She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house. Just really close friends. And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl. I thought that was a great idea. She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform. "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process. I'm fine with "L" watching the process. It would help me become more comfortable. Not sure when we are going to do this.
I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting. Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.
Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me. Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays. Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party. This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway. I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.
Then my friend said she had an idea. She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house. Just really close friends. And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl. I thought that was a great idea. She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform. "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process. I'm fine with "L" watching the process. It would help me become more comfortable. Not sure when we are going to do this.
I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting. Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Breakdown
I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown. My birthday has always been very emotional for me. This one was extra emotional. This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away. One would think over the years it would get easier. But it hasn't. It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away. I had only known him for 4 years. But I still miss him. So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown. I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards. I have come so far in the past eight months. And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were. I'd just might die inside. So I am going to push on. I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right. I feel naked without a bra. My male underwear is very uncomfortable. My feet hurt from my male shoes. And I hate how loose men's pants are. So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable. So silly of me to think I could go back. Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Birthday Wish Update
So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite. Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would. To be more confident in myself. Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning. I felt more like giving up. I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it. Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were. Less stress, less fear, less worry. After the post last night, my wife and I talked. She didn't want me to give up. She wants me to push on. I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition. Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it. I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me. My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine. I feel so selfish in wanting to transition. It won't be easy. It will get harder. There could be moments of hatred towards me. There could be discrimination towards me. If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family. I don't want to put them through that. I just want to give up. Today I am not wearing anything feminine. I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra. I even used my guy body spray. Just to see if I can go back. It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes. I feel very lost right now. Do I go back to the way things were? Make it easy for everyone. Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen? Knowing it could get very hard at times. Logic would be going back. But could I handle that? Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male? I wish I knew the answer. I have definitely come to a crossroads. Not knowing which path to take.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
To Be or Not to Be
I have come a long way in the past 8 months. It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am. But now I feel the strength has run out. I am beginning to doubt everything. I don't know if I am strong enough to continue. I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue. I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife. Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition. I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's. Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage. Maybe I would loose my job. Maybe I would loose my family. If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman. Do I want to put them through that? Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman? Would I be sacrificing their happiness? Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking? Should I just go back to the way I was? Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home? Wear a bra every now and then? No makeup, no going out in public dressing? No more blog? No more talking about being a transgender woman? I don't know. Just go back and ignore. Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed. Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine. Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind. But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress? At this point I can not answer that question. I don't know.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The Wait
There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for. One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition. When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy. It was to carry on my family name. As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded. I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world. I didn't think I would be a good father. So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.
However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids. It rekindled the desire to have kids. At first my wife was still against having kids. It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind. My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid. She had never been a part of a baby's life before. A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby. But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby. I was so excited. It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year. I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year. Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.
This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event. And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later. I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed. Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that. Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby. My heart sank. One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT. I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me. I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter. But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT. I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.
I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.
I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.
However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids. It rekindled the desire to have kids. At first my wife was still against having kids. It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind. My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid. She had never been a part of a baby's life before. A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby. But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby. I was so excited. It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year. I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year. Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.
This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event. And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later. I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed. Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that. Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby. My heart sank. One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT. I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me. I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter. But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT. I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.
I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.
I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.
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