The Wait

There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for.  One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition.  When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy.  It was to carry on my family name.  As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded.  I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world.  I didn't think I would be a good father.  So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.

However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids.  It rekindled the desire to have kids.  At first my wife was still against having kids.  It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind.  My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid.  She had never been a part of a baby's life before.  A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby.  But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby.  I was so excited.  It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year.  I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year.  Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.

This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event.  And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later.  I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed.  Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that.  Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby.  My heart sank.  One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT.  I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me.  I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter.  But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT.  I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.

I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.

I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.