Self Worth

Why is it so hard for us to see greatness in ourselves?  Why can’t we believe we are good enough? Why is it hard to believe when others say they love us?  Why are we so broken? Has society beaten us down to have no self worth?  When my friends put themselves down, it hurts because I know how amazing they are. But when they try to tell me how good I am, I can never see it.  I can’t see why they love me.  I can’t see that I’m worth it.  But they can’t see it in themselves either.  We tell each other how great the other is, in hopes of them believing even when we don’t.  I want to believe.  I want to feel the love.  I want to see greatness within.  And I want others to see the greatness in themselves.  Everyone I’ve met has greatness in them.  They are amazing parents, the bestest of friends, great singers, great dancers, amazing artists, just down right amazing people.  I try to praise my friends as much as I can because I do see greatness in them even if they can’t.  I hope some day it will finally sink in.  

To steal and modify a quote from Doctor Who: In my 35 years of life, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.

Interesting Weekend

So this weekend was interesting.  It started with Saturday, my wife and her mom were going out shopping all day and her father had to work all day.  Once they all left I thought it would be a good time to practice make-up and spend most of the day at home as a girl.  So I got my makeup out and started applying it.  I think I did much better with my eye shadow (sorry no pics this time).  After I got the makeup on I got dressed in my favorite push-up bra, a ribbed turtleneck, black tights, and a jean skirt.  I had a lot to do around the house and figured I would do it as my true self.  It was great.  At least until around 1pm.  I decided to go outside for a smoke.  As I was opening our back door, one of our cats (Jack) was lying in wait and bolted out the door.  He is an indoor cat and is only allowed outside when he is in a harness and leash (we live on a dangerous road and my wife and neighbors have lost cats to the road so we keep them on leashes).  So now I'm freaking out.  I'm all dressed as a girl with makeup on and our cat has escaped.  I am not out to our neighbors and really did not want to deal with that at the moment.  So I rush upstairs and quickly change into jeans and throw on a sweat shirt then run into the bathroom and try to quickly wash the makeup off, while hoping the cat did not wander far or get lost.  So that set me back a bit.  I wish I was out and didn't have the fear to hide.  If anything bad had happened to Jack, I don't know what I would have done.  So Saturday started great and ended badly.

Now onto Sunday.  Sunday was an interesting day.  The reason my wife and her mom were out shopping on Saturday was to get dresses and accessories for our upcoming Disney Christmas cruise.  Now Sunday we all were going out to Men's Warehouse to get her father and me suits for the cruise.  They were buy one get one free so I was getting a free suit.  I was very off with the whole thing.  Not sure why, but everyone could tell something was up.  I guess part of me, just didn't like the thought of getting a suit.  I would have much rather have gone the day before and gotten a dress, but that definitely wasn't gonna happen.  One, my in-laws only know I'm out as a cross-dresser, not a transgender woman.  They don't understand transgender.  They only grasp that some people like to cross-dress in the privacy of their homes, not that some people (like me) know they were born in the wrong body and need to transition to the correct physical gender.  Plus not being fully out and comfortable being fully out, there would be no way of me being a woman for the cruise.  So I sucked it up and got a suit and will wear the suit for the cruise.  Not that I have anything against suits, it's just a reminder of my maleness.  Everyone thought I looked amazing in the suit.  So that was a plus. And after the suits we went shopping for shape wear for my mother-in-law, so I got to show some of my femininity with my knowledge of shape wear.  My wife and I discussed this a bit last night.  We decided to help with my dysphoria on the cruise when I'm wearing the suit, I'm gonna be wearing a very low profile bra (ie no one will be able to tell that I'm wearing it) and some very feminine lace thong panties.  And I'll be wearing my boots (which of course are woman's) and maybe I may wear tights under my pants.  So what people see will be male, but what's underneath will be all feminine.  I just look forward to the day when I can be the one who gets all dolled up:  Makeup, earrings, necklace, evening gown, heels and having my hair all done up.  Someday.

Overreacting

I have this tendency to overreact to things.  If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180.  I don't know why I do it.  A coping mechanism maybe.  This weekend I overreacted.  I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was.  I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end.  I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage.  I had spent a lot of time thinking about it.  Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.

On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning.  I kept saying it was the best for us.  I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition.  I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back.  Even maybe grow my goatee back.  I thought I was fine with that.  Give up everything for our marriage.  But I was being eaten up inside.  I felt a part of me dying.

Sunday evening I talked with my wife again.  It took a while to get up the nerve.  I told her I didn't want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  But I didn't want to add this stress onto her.  I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks.  As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman.  The world is cruel.  She felt the need to always have to protect me.  And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny.  It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions.  The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl.  To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.

Last night we came up with a solution.  A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me.  I would still dress at home.  I would still dress when we are at a friends house.  But I would not go out in public as a girl.  If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave.  This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house.  We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby.  I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible.  In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time.  We have now switched that.  I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time.  At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman.  This will also then reduce the fear we both have.

I am happy with the plan we came up with.  I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress.  I'll try not to overreact in the future.  No promises though ;P

Support

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house.  She had a birthday present for me.  While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit.  During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning.  First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C".  "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are.  "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning.  My friend told her it was me.  "S" said that was great and that she had always figured.  Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls.  It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did.  "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents.  My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him.  After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive.  He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am.  That made me feel so happy.

Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me.  Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays.  Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party.  This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway.  I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.

Then my friend said she had an idea.  She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house.  Just really close friends.  And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl.  I thought that was a great idea.  She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform.  "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process.  I'm fine with "L" watching the process.  It would help me become more comfortable.  Not sure when we are going to do this.

I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting.  Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.

The Breakdown

I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown.  My birthday has always been very emotional for me.  This one was extra emotional.  This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away.  One would think over the years it would get easier.  But it hasn't.  It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away.  I had only known him for 4 years.  But I still miss him.  So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown.   I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards.  I have come so far in the past eight months.  And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were.  I'd just might die inside.  So I am going to push on.  I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right.  I feel naked without a bra.  My male underwear is very uncomfortable.  My feet hurt from my male shoes.  And I hate how loose men's pants are.  So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable.  So silly of me to think I could go back.  Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

A Birthday Wish

I have been thinking a lot about my birthday tomorrow.  I usually wish for the same thing every year.  Which is unrealistic.  This year, I think my birthday wish will be different.  I just want the courage to be me.  To not be afraid of who I am.  To not care what others think of me.  I want the confidence to wear whatever I want.  The confidence to go out as my female true self.  I would love to be able to present as female without any hesitation or fear.  To be the woman I know I am.  At this point in my life it is a pretty hefty wish.  It seems as unrealistic as my usual birthday wish.  Maybe in a year or so my new wish can become a reality.

The Wait

There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for.  One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition.  When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy.  It was to carry on my family name.  As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded.  I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world.  I didn't think I would be a good father.  So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.

However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids.  It rekindled the desire to have kids.  At first my wife was still against having kids.  It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind.  My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid.  She had never been a part of a baby's life before.  A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby.  But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby.  I was so excited.  It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year.  I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year.  Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.

This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event.  And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later.  I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed.  Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that.  Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby.  My heart sank.  One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT.  I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me.  I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter.  But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT.  I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.

I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.

I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.

First Signs of Hate

On Sunday we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut.  I went to go pick it up.  Not wanting to change to head out, I was wearing my teal tank top, woman shorts, and flip flops that showed off my painted toes.  As I pulled in the parking lot, I noticed a group of young guys just hanging out outside of the Pizza Hut.  As I pulled into a parking spot, I started to get a bad feeling and started getting really nervous.  I got the nerve to get out of the car, but the bad feeling was correct.  For the first time I was harassed for what I was wearing.  I tried to ignore them as I walked passed them into Pizza Hut.  They were saying stuff like "Fag" and "Gay".  I was so nervous I couldn't make out all they were saying.  Why did they have to do that?  I didn't do anything to them.  This is the first time I have been harassed for what I've been wearing.  Luckily they were gone as I was leaving Pizza Hut.  It put me in a slight funk the rest of the evening.  Ugh.

Interesting Question

Right now I get very nervous being out as a woman.  I wonder if I will ever reach a point in my transition that I will be very nervous being out as a man instead of a woman.

Saturday Update

So Saturday was the day I was going to get my eyebrows waxed and go to a friends house as a girl since it is a safe place.  Well I got the courage to get my eyebrows done.  I showed up about 20 mins early to my appointment and they took me right away.  When the lady asked me what I wanted done, I was honest and told her I wanted a slightly more feminine brow.  Less bushy and shaped.  She did exactly what I wanted.  I was happy with the outcome and it was also subtle enough that I wouldn't get weird looks.

As for going to my friends house as a girl, that didn't end up happening.  It took all morning to gain the courage to get dressed and I was about to start putting on makeup.  Then the sky opened up and it was pouring out.  My wife asked me why I was putting on makeup if it's raining.  She said it would run.  Well that's all I needed to wipe away any courage I had.  It's not her fault.  But I look for any excuse to let the fear take over.  And I got it.  I did bring my clothes and makeup with me, but never put them on.  I know one of my friends was disappointed.  But I just couldn't muster up the courage again.  Maybe some other time I can do it.  Why did I let the fear win??  Why am I always looking for an excuse not to do it??  What was the worse that could have happened??  Nothing, but I gave in anyway.  Ugh.

We are our own worst enemy (Link)

http://www.examiner.com/article/we-are-our-own-worst-enemy

Another Debate: Update

So after posting my "Another Debate" post, my wife called me.  She was like, there is no debate, you are going as a girl.  Our friends house is a safe place and this is a perfect opportunity.  So I will be going all out, jean skirt, teal tank top, push-up bra, makeup, earrings, hair down, etc.  Of course now here come the butterflies.

Also I will be taking another step.  Saturday morning I will be going to a salon to get my eyebrows waxed to be more feminine.  It took a lot of courage to call.  But I did.  I have my appointment.

Another Debate

This Saturday I will be going to a friend's house to meet one of her other friends who lives over seas.  She has told her friend all about me.  The option was given to me to either come as my male self, my female self or somewhere in-between.  I don't know what to do.  The fear that has been very vocal lately is telling not to because who knows who will see me and I will still look to male even if I dress as a girl.  But I need to acknowledge that fear and put it aside and be the true me.  I'm thinking of wearing my teal tank top and my jean skirt.  No bra.  It's kind of subtle without being all out.  Maybe have my hair down.  Maybe wear earrings.  No makeup, but maybe I'll bring my kit with me just in case.  I don't know.  Or I'll end up letting fear win and just go as my quasi male self.  I need to beat this fear.  I need to build up my confidence and self esteem to be who I really am.  I just don't know.  Ugh.

Emotions & Breaking Habits

Lately I have been feeling a bit depressed and overwhelmed/discouraged.  After the steam I had built up a couple of months ago, I seem to have stalled.  I'm letting the fear and doubt get to me.  I find that I just can't get myself to practice putting on makeup after the last time with my wife.  I feel hopeless.  I know that it takes a lot of practice, but I feel so lost with it.  After two failures of doing it myself, I get myself so worked up that I convince myself not to practice.  I try asking for help to show me how to apply makeup, but either people are too busy or I get the response of: it takes practice and we had to learn it on our own or no one showed us.  I'm feeling that even though everyone is supportive and accepting of me, they don't want to deal with me or I've already put too much on them and I'm asking way to much of them.  I'm in such a funk that I don't know if it is true or not.  Part of me is thinking it would be better if I never bring up my transition to anyone again.  Just never discuss it.  I know transitioning isn't supposed to be easy.  But part of me is thinking that it would be easier to just go back into hiding.  This way I am no longer needing anyone's help.  I can go back to helping others and not needing their help.  I don't know.  I'm just in such a funk.  I really want to be a woman.  That is who I am inside.  I want to look like a woman, dress like a woman, and act like a woman.  But the most difficult part of the transition besides getting over the fear is breaking all male habits.  I've never been all that masculine, but when you spend 34 years being one way and only that way, it is very hard to change gears.  I haven't had the growing up female years of playing with makeup or playing dress up.  I haven't had the chance to be feminine.  I haven't grown up wearing a bikini / one piece swimming to feel ok with it.  Or grow up wearing skirts out to learn how to sit or walk.  I know I can't learn this stuff over night, but I really think with help and support I can do it faster than another 30+ years.  I really want to get my friends to understand.  I would really love to be able to convince my friends to do a girl day every so often to get their help.  Not a full day, but part of a day.  Just my close friends... to help me.  Help me with makeup.  Help me with different hair styles.  Help me with my walking and posture.  Help me get over the fear of being dressed as a woman.  Help me be comfortable being a woman.  They grew up as woman and over many years had the time to develop into womanhood.  I'm jumping into womanhood.  I want to be who I am, but need the help.  I just feel alone.  Sorry, just been down lately.  I feel like "the first rule of transgender is you don't talk about transgender."  Hopefully I can get out of this funk.  I'm just feeling lost right now.  Maybe today will get better.

On a brighter note, I am up to 1046 page views on my blogger site and 45 followers on my tumblr site.  I can't believe how many people are reading about me.  I hope I am helping others know that they are not the only ones who are going through this.

Little Things

As I take this journey of transition, there are a few little things I do to keep the dysphoria in check.  As I am not out full time and most likely won't be a work, I can still do things to keep me feeling feminine even though I am still presenting as male.

1. I only wear woman's underwear.  Unless I am in a situation wear I absolutely have to, I have stopped wearing men's underwear. 
2. Unless it is extremely warm/humid out, I wear a bra.  Only issue is I have to wear my fleece jacket to hide that I am wearing a bra.
3. Almost every Friday and every weekend I wear my hair down.
4. I wear either women's dress pants, jeans, or shorts.  Monday thru Thursday I have to dress up for work so I wear black women's dress pants and a man's button down shirt.  Friday's are casual so I wear women's jeans.  And on the weekends I can wear women's shorts and tank tops.
5. I wear women's boots to work.  They have a 1 3/4" heel.
6. I only wear women's socks.
7. Some days as I am driving to work I will wear heels in my car and change out of them when I get to work.
8. Some days I also will put in my hoop earrings while I am driving and take them out when I get to work.
9. A few times a week, I will change into a skirt when I get home from work.
10. I keep my toe nails painted.  The only place that I don't show off my painted toes is work.  Otherwise I will wear sandals and not care if people see my painted toes.
11. I carry a purse with me to work, but I put my messenger bag in front of it so it is not as obvious.
12. I wear a woman's watch now all the time, unless I'm going to be doing something where it can get damaged.
13. Occasionally I will shave my face with a straight razor to have it be as smooth as possible.  Only issue with doing that everyday is I will burn through a razor each time and they get pricey.
14. When I go swimming I wear my bikini bottom under my men's swim trunks.

I wish I could present as a woman all the time and not have to hide it.  I would love to be able to wear skirts all the time and heels.  Hopefully someday that wish will become a reality.  But until then, I will continue to do these little things.

Through the Looking Glass

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with "Alice in Wonderland".  I used to love watching Disney's animated feature of "Alice in Wonderland".  I remember getting so excited in 1985 when there was a live action TV special of "Alice in Wonderland".  We recorded it and I would watch it over and over again.  Except for the part with the Jabberwocky.  The Jabberwocky really scared me.  To be honest the Jabberwocky still scares me.  I remember when I was around 13 years old, I started having a recurring nightmare about the Jabberwocky chasing me all around my grandmother's house.  (Interestingly, that is the age I started wishing I was a girl.  hrmmmm).  I'm not sure what about "Alice in Wonderland" hooked me.  Maybe it was the idea of escape to a wondrous land.  Or the colorful characters.  My favorite character was the Mad Hatter, but I had always wanted to be Alice.  I wanted to be the one having the adventure.  By the time I went to college, "Alice in Wonderland" faded into my past and the nightmares stopped.  It wasn't until Disney released it's latest telling of "Alice in Wonderland" did my obsession start again.  Not sure if obsession is the right word, oh well.  After it's release it seemed like there was an "Alice in Wonderland" frenzy.  The Syfy channel came out with their own interpretation movie and their series Warehouse 13 did an episode relating to Through the Looking Glass.  Jefferson's Airplane "White Rabbit" song became my new favorite song.  I downloaded a copy of the 1985 "Alice in Wonderland" movie, plus a couple others that I had not seen but had to download.  Since then I have had Alice on the brain.  I feel such a connection with it and the characters.  I began referring to my old drug days as "falling down the rabbit hole".  Part of me wonders if my infatuation with "Alice in Wonderland" has a connection with my desire to transition.  Maybe as I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and the more I transition it is like I am stepping through the looking glass to a new life and the nightmares of the Jabberwocky is the fear that is chasing me.  Hmmm.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't know.  Two years for Halloween I dressed up as the Mad Hatter and my wife dressed up like Alice.  I have started thinking about this years Halloween.  If I dress as the Mad Hatter I want to dress as a female Mad Hatter.  Or maybe be the Red Queen and my wife can still be Alice.  She makes such a good Alice.