I have this tendency to overreact to things. If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180. I don't know why I do it. A coping mechanism maybe. This weekend I overreacted. I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was. I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end. I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage. I had spent a lot of time thinking about it. Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.
On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning. I kept saying it was the best for us. I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition. I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back. Even maybe grow my goatee back. I thought I was fine with that. Give up everything for our marriage. But I was being eaten up inside. I felt a part of me dying.
Sunday evening I talked with my wife again. It took a while to get up the nerve. I told her I didn't want to stop. I couldn't stop. But I didn't want to add this stress onto her. I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks. As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman. The world is cruel. She felt the need to always have to protect me. And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny. It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions. The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl. To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.
Last night we came up with a solution. A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me. I would still dress at home. I would still dress when we are at a friends house. But I would not go out in public as a girl. If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave. This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house. We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby. I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible. In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time. We have now switched that. I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time. At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman. This will also then reduce the fear we both have.
I am happy with the plan we came up with. I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress. I'll try not to overreact in the future. No promises though ;P
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