Overdue Update

Ok, I know I have been MIA for a while.  Sorry.  Things have been crazy.  Especially at work where I normally write my blogs in the morning.  I usually can't write except in the mornings, because that is when my inspiration and what I want to talk about comes.  I spend an hour in my car every morning commuting to work.  During that time, I think.  And that's when I develop my blogs in my head.  If I don't write it in the morning when I get in early to work, then I forget what I wanted to write.

I'm trying to write at lunch time, when limited people are here at work and hopefully I remember everything.

So it has almost been 5 months on hormones.  Where is the time going?  I had a check-up with my endocrinologist this past Thursday.  So far so good.  My potassium was a bit elevated from the blood test a week prior, so we have to monitor that.  I have also gained 10 lbs since my last appointment.  Ugh.  My goal originally was to loose 30 lbs, but now it's 40 lbs.  Yikes.  I am trying to get myself in an exercise routine.  I have been trying to get up at 4:45am each morning to run on my treadmill for a half hour.  And then before going to bed run an additional half hour.  So far I could do 20 mins each time.  Guess I need to work my way up to 30 mins.  Also due to a head ache this morning, I didn't exercise.  Hopefully I can get it in tonight. Also I was told I was a bit dehydrated.  She told me I need to drink more water.  I am going to try, I rarely feel thirsty so I always forget to drink water.  Maybe I should set an alarm to remind me to drink water.

Now on the the changes.  Physically, not too much happening.  Which is kind of sad, but slow is good so work doesn't notice changes as easily.  My breasts are still growing.  I am starting to fill a B cup.  Not fully but they are getting there.  My wife has definitely noticed that they have grown.  Body hair has slowed again, but that's been a roller coaster of slow growth and fast growth.  It needs to make up it's mind.  I haven't noticed any facial changes yet.  My wife has noticed my hips are filling out more and becoming curvier.  I have noticed that I've started swaying my hips without meaning too, like they are naturally swaying.  I now have to pay attention to if I'm doing it, so I don't do it at work.  I think my butt is getting rounder/fuller.  My undies are starting to fit differently, like the way they are supposed to fit.

Psychologically, I am more emotional.  I could start crying at the drop of a hat.  I tend to have more bitchy moods, according to my wife.  I feel more feminine.  Like I feel like I'm sounding more feminine in the way I structure sentences.  More than I used to.

I still have fears as I go down this process.  One is the in between stages.  Like having breasts, but still noticeably male.  How will I go swimming this summer?  Do I try to bind and hide my breasts and wear t shirts and swim trunks?  With friends, do I wear a bikini top and swim trunks or full woman's swimsuit?  I don't know how I will feel wearing any of it.  Maybe I'll just avoid water all together.

Other fears are that things are not going well at work.  I am not out to anyone at work.  I am trying to keep it hidden for as long as possible because I fear losing my job, even though it is against the law to discriminate against gender identity in CT.  I have gotten two warnings for appearing negative at work.  Which is total BS, but my concentration or stress face is being construed as negativity.  Also the way I breathe when I'm really focused is being interpreted as huffing and annoyance.  AYFKM?!?  Well I have tried to give off a more positive appearance.  I try to smile as much as I can.  I try to talk more cheerfully.  I listen to happy music at my desk and change my breathing to a breathy whistle to the music.  Now I've gotten a complaint that I'm too happy.  Ugh.  Really??  I'm starting to think there is some suspicion about me and they are trying to keep throwing me under the bus until they have enough to fire me.  I hope that isn't the case.  If so, that is really shitty.  I'm afraid to find another job somewhere else as I know I won't be making as much as I do now and we can't afford for me to take a pay cut.   I really need to win the lotto. ;)  So for now I'm trying to be the model employee and not be online with social media, get in early and stay late to get everyone's work done.  I don't want to give them anymore fire.

That's about it for now.  If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm fine, just can't get on to write or when I can I can't think of anything to write.

And It Begins

As of last night, I am now on hormones. Yay!!!  It took like what seemed forever.  Nothing like being so close and having issues with the pharmacy, which finally got resolved yesterday.

So on January 4th, I had my first appointment with the Endocrinologist.  The following Tuesday she was supposed to call me with my lab results and send in the prescription for Spiro and Estrogen patches.  She ended up being out on Tuesday with the flu.  On Wednesday she called saying my results were great and she was sending in my prescriptions to Walgreens so I wouldn't have to wait for the mail order which my insurance prefers.  Wednesday night after work I go to Walgreens and they only could fill 10 out of the 60 pills of the Spiro and had to order the rest and order the Estrogen patches.  On Thursday night, they still hadn't gotten in the rest of the Spiro and now needed verification from my doctor on the brand of Estrogen.  Wouldn't they have questioned the brand before they needed to order it??? On Friday morning I called Walgreens to see if they got verification, they had not, so I called my doctors to have them verify with Walgreens.  On Friday afternoon at 1:30pm I called Walgreens and asked if everything was all set with the Estrogen prescription, they told me yes.  Friday night after work I go to pick it up and the rest of the Spiro and they only had the Spiro ready.  They told me they now need verification on dosage from my doctor.  AYFKM??? Why at 1:30pm I was told everything was all set and now at 6pm I am told they need more verification?? After my doctors is closed for the weekend.  Monday morning I called my doctors office and after a few phone tags, finally spoke with someone to call Walgreens to get this taken care of.  At 3:30pm I got confirmation from my doctor's office that it should be all set.  So I immediately call Walgreens to verify.  The first person I spoke with told me they are still waiting on verification and I told them I just spoke with my doctor's office and they verified everything with the pharmacist.  They put me on the phone with the pharmacist and everything was all set.  At 6pm last night I picked up the Estrogen patches.  As soon as I got home I put my first one on.  Finally.

I never thought I would get to this point.  I am amazed at how far I have come.  For 33 years always kind of knowing, but resisting.  To last year finally being honest with myself, coming out to my family and friends, going to therapy, and now finally being on hormones.  What a journey.  And it ain't over yet.  Can't wait to see what will happen this year and going forward.

Now that I am on hormones, I plan on taking photos of me each week to chronicle my changes.  I know there will be few to start with, but I know watching other people's transition photos really gave me hope and I hope to pass on that hope.

Update and the Next Step

I know I haven't posted in a long while.  Things have been crazy with the end of the year and the start of a new one.  I can't believe another year is over and a lot has happened in the past year.  Most recently my wife, my in-laws and me went on a Disney vacation over Christmas.  We did two days at Disney World, then 5 nights on a Disney Cruise, then 2 more days at Disney World.  It was a lot of fun.  We had a very good time, especially if you look at what we spent.  :)  Being at Disney (or away from home) I felt more comfortable to being me.  I wore more woman's clothes than men's.  No one looked at me weird, at least that I noticed.  I bought some more woman's clothes, 3 t-shirts, a really cute hat, and on the cruise I bought this really cute dress (I can't wait to wear it).  One thing my wife and I noticed is that we are the same size again.  So we can share the clothes I bought.  Yay!!!  A nice thing about the cruise is we had a veranda.  Some nice privacy.  So when we didn't get off the ship at port we could hang out on the veranda in peace.  I spent a lot of the time getting used to wearing my bikini.  By the end of the cruise I was finally feeling comfortable wearing it.

Now for the next step.  This past Friday I had my first appointment with an endocrinologist.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  I feared I wouldn't be able to start hormones when I wanted to.  But the appointment went great.  They first did the normal stuff of getting medical history, blood pressure, and weight (apparently I gained 13 lbs since the trip :(  Damn Disney and their good food).  After that the doctor came in.  She was very nice.  She asked me what my preferred name was and pronouns.  Then she went through what she was gonna start me on and how each reacts.  Most I knew from my extensive research before hand.  She told me she needed to do a blood test to check my kidneys and liver.  If the blood test looks good then she will call me on Tuesday to call in my prescriptions.  I will be on an estrogen patch and spiro (a testosterone blocker).  She is planning to have me keep a little testosterone in my system so I still have a libido   Which makes my wife happy (me too).  So if all goes well I will start hormones tomorrow night.  Yay!!!  Amazing how far I have gone in just a year.

Now I need to start thinking of if or when to tell my work.  I'm not sure.  Luckily I live in CT where there are anti-discrimination laws that prevent my work from firing me for being Transgender.  But I am still fear full.  I may give it a bit and see how much the hormones change me before saying anything.

This is going to be an interesting year.  I look forward to it.

Been Awhile

I know it has been a while since I have written.  Life and work have been busy for me.  Now to try to remember what has happened since last I wrote... hmmmm.

I've talked to my mom more about my transition.  Tried to explain it better for her to understand.  She is slowly understanding.  She is still fearful of my grandmother and great aunt finding out.  They are very religious and very old school.  Showed her the picture of me standing at the train station on my way to the pride parade in NYC dressed as a woman.  She seemed to handle it ok.  She made me show my father, he was hard to read on what he thought.  She also told my sister about the picture and so I showed her the pic last week.  She thought I looked cute.  She loved the shoes I had on.

A couple of weekends ago I got to hang out with my friend M.  We haven't hung out in several years but have been chatting on Google+.  My wife, myself, her and her fiance went out to dinner and then hung out at their place.  It was nice catching up over dinner.  This is the first time I got to really talk with her fiance.... he is really nice and easy to talk to.  After dinner we went back to their place to hang out.  M had me bring my makeup stuff with me so she could help me with some makeup techniques.  She was a big help.  We took the lesson nice and slow.  She had me apply the makeup while she explained how to apply it and why to do it a certain way.  I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.   I haven't had a chance to practice since then, but it is still fresh in my mind.  But if I forget she has offered to show me again, any time I need it.  The makeup techniques she showed me were more of a natural everyday makeup instead of a going out at night makeup. The makeup came out good.  She didn't have me apply much foundation or powder, which I think I need to apply more than normal right now since I have such a heavy five o'clock shadow.   Can't wait to practice more.  After the makeup lesson we sat and talked.  Getting caught up from the years apart.  Can't wait to hang out with her and her fiance again.  I hope we don't lose touch again.

January 4th is approaching quickly.  That is my first appointment with an endocrinologist to see about starting hormones.  I am scared and excited about this.  Excited that I'm taking the next step in my transition to be who I really am.  Scared that once the hormones start working and I start having visible changes that I will have to be fully out and still not sure how work will react.  Technically they can't fire me over it since we are in CT and there are anti discrimination laws against firing someone who is transgender.  Still scary, but I need to take this next step.

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I will probably not get a chance to write again until after my endocrinologist appointment.  If I don't Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

New Clothes

So this past weekend I really needed new jeans, so my wife and I went to Old Navy and I actually found some cute jeans that fit perfectly.  These are the ones I got:

After I got them and of course worn them the rest of the weekend, I thought I really need some new tops.  Cute tops.  So I went online to Old Navy and looked through their shirts.  These are what I ordered and plus some purple tights (everyone needs purple tights ;P):

It all arrived yesterday afternoon.  I could not wait to get home and try on the clothes.  Of course there were two accidents on my way home that delayed me getting home.  But I finally got home and immediately went into the bedroom to try on my new clothes.  Everything fit great and looked great.  My favorites are the plaid shirts.  They are so comfy.  Took me a bit to get them on.... I got to get used to buttons being on the other side of the shirt.  

I decided to be daring and I am wearing the red and white plaid shirt with my new jeans to work. I think today is the first day I have worn all female clothes and not a stitch of male clothing to work.  They are not overly feminine so I don't have to worry about getting weird looks from the guys I work with.  I am just so excited that I am slowly building my new wardrobe.  I can not wait until I have more girl clothes than guy clothes.

Mixed Emotions

I know it is has been awhile since I have written and I'm not writing as often as I was.  Life has been very crazy.  And until recently things were getting kind of stagnant.  Up until this weekend things were going very slow in regards to my transition.  Besides the Halloween party where I was out to everyone at the party and got to be the "Queen of Hearts", not much progress was happening with my transition.  I hadn't been practicing makeup or going out anywhere dressed.  I'd still put on a skirt at home, but that was it.  Just had been too tired to put in the effort with craziness at work and too much to do around the house.  But things are going to start picking up again soon with my transition.  Unfortunately it is due to some bad news my wife and I received on Saturday.

My wife had her annual OBGYN appointment Saturday morning.  Before her annual she had an ultrasound.  Last year her OBGYN had found a Fibroid.  At the time it was nothing to worry about, just something to monitor.  In February, my wife had a follow up ultrasound and they saw the Fibroid had grown.  Not by much but a little.  Again no huge concern, just monitor it and we were told that depending on if it grows more it could impact her getting pregnant if we decided to have kids.  Still at that time she hadn't changed her mind so it was no real concern.  This past Saturday they discovered that her Fibroid has grown a lot (it is almost 10 centimeters) and that she now has other Fibroids.... so instead of one large one, she has one large one and a bunch of little ones.  Due to the size of the large one it will definitely impact her chances of getting pregnant.  If she doesn't have it removed, the chances are slim that she could get pregnant and if by miracle she does, it is highly unlikely that she could carry to term.  Now if she has it removed via surgery, depending on how deep it is, there could be a void left that would also impair her ability to get pregnant or carry to term.  So if she did get pregnant, she has a high chance of miscarrying.  This means we may never be able to have a baby.  It is too risky at this time to even try.  Neither of us could handle loosing a baby.  So we have decided that nature doesn't want us to have kids at the moment.

With that news, it also means that I don't have to wait as long to transition and start hormones.  So instead of waiting another year, I can start in the beginning of next year (if I can find an Endocrinologist).  We are thinking of having some of my sperm frozen, just in case we can have kids.

I am very sad that at this time we just can't have kids, but also happy that I can start hormones much sooner.  I am very conflicted emotionally.  And to put it on the record, I don't blame my wife or hate her or feel any differently towards her.  I love her no matter what.  It is not her fault that nature decided we shouldn't have kids.  Maybe some day we still can.  Who knows maybe someday in the near future science could catch up and they could find a way that I could be the one who gets pregnant.  One never knows what the future holds.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.

Halloween Prep Update

So my Halloween costume arrived a few days ago.  I was very reluctant in trying it on.  I was afraid it wouldn't fit or I would look funny.  After about two hours, I gave in to put it on.  To my surprise it fit.  But I wasn't too happy with the way it looked on me.  However when my wife saw me in it she cheered me up.  She said it fit perfectly and looked great.  She said she was jealous of how good I looked in it.  I am going to take her word for it since most times when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see.  So I have decided I am going to wear the costume.

Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup.  I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her.  So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair.  She was very excited I asked.  She of course said yes.  I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair.  I was still worried about doing my makeup.  Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me.  She was offering to do my makeup and hair.  I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup.  She is the one who did my makeup for the first time.  I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup.  I can't wait to see the results.  Also I get to have some great girl time.  I can not wait.

Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share.  I am very proud of my wife.  She just got a promotion at her work.  She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing.  That also means a raise.  That will definitely help us out more financially.  So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less.  This will also mean she makes more than me.  She is the bread winner now.  Our roles are truly reversed.  But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife.  She works so hard and deserves this.

Halloween

Halloween is slowly approaching.  I am very excited for it this year.  I get to be me in a costume I want to wear.  I'm going to be the Queen of Hearts from "Alice in Wonderland".  My wife is going to be Alice.  Here is a pic of my costume:

I wonder if I can get my hair to look like that.  It might be long enough now.  Just got to find a friend to help me with my hair and make-up on the day of the Halloween party.  The one I would have asked is the one throwing the party and she's gonna be too busy getting ready for the party and playing hostess.  I just can't wait.  I also bought some inserts for my bra to give me an extra boost.  Hopefully I will have some pics to share after the party.

Interesting Weekend

So this weekend was interesting.  It started with Saturday, my wife and her mom were going out shopping all day and her father had to work all day.  Once they all left I thought it would be a good time to practice make-up and spend most of the day at home as a girl.  So I got my makeup out and started applying it.  I think I did much better with my eye shadow (sorry no pics this time).  After I got the makeup on I got dressed in my favorite push-up bra, a ribbed turtleneck, black tights, and a jean skirt.  I had a lot to do around the house and figured I would do it as my true self.  It was great.  At least until around 1pm.  I decided to go outside for a smoke.  As I was opening our back door, one of our cats (Jack) was lying in wait and bolted out the door.  He is an indoor cat and is only allowed outside when he is in a harness and leash (we live on a dangerous road and my wife and neighbors have lost cats to the road so we keep them on leashes).  So now I'm freaking out.  I'm all dressed as a girl with makeup on and our cat has escaped.  I am not out to our neighbors and really did not want to deal with that at the moment.  So I rush upstairs and quickly change into jeans and throw on a sweat shirt then run into the bathroom and try to quickly wash the makeup off, while hoping the cat did not wander far or get lost.  So that set me back a bit.  I wish I was out and didn't have the fear to hide.  If anything bad had happened to Jack, I don't know what I would have done.  So Saturday started great and ended badly.

Now onto Sunday.  Sunday was an interesting day.  The reason my wife and her mom were out shopping on Saturday was to get dresses and accessories for our upcoming Disney Christmas cruise.  Now Sunday we all were going out to Men's Warehouse to get her father and me suits for the cruise.  They were buy one get one free so I was getting a free suit.  I was very off with the whole thing.  Not sure why, but everyone could tell something was up.  I guess part of me, just didn't like the thought of getting a suit.  I would have much rather have gone the day before and gotten a dress, but that definitely wasn't gonna happen.  One, my in-laws only know I'm out as a cross-dresser, not a transgender woman.  They don't understand transgender.  They only grasp that some people like to cross-dress in the privacy of their homes, not that some people (like me) know they were born in the wrong body and need to transition to the correct physical gender.  Plus not being fully out and comfortable being fully out, there would be no way of me being a woman for the cruise.  So I sucked it up and got a suit and will wear the suit for the cruise.  Not that I have anything against suits, it's just a reminder of my maleness.  Everyone thought I looked amazing in the suit.  So that was a plus. And after the suits we went shopping for shape wear for my mother-in-law, so I got to show some of my femininity with my knowledge of shape wear.  My wife and I discussed this a bit last night.  We decided to help with my dysphoria on the cruise when I'm wearing the suit, I'm gonna be wearing a very low profile bra (ie no one will be able to tell that I'm wearing it) and some very feminine lace thong panties.  And I'll be wearing my boots (which of course are woman's) and maybe I may wear tights under my pants.  So what people see will be male, but what's underneath will be all feminine.  I just look forward to the day when I can be the one who gets all dolled up:  Makeup, earrings, necklace, evening gown, heels and having my hair all done up.  Someday.

Overreacting

I have this tendency to overreact to things.  If I can't handle something, I overreact and pull a 180.  I don't know why I do it.  A coping mechanism maybe.  This weekend I overreacted.  I have been feeling that my wife wasn't as supportive as I had thought she was.  I thought if I continued the journey of transition our marriage would end.  I thought I would be willing to give up transitioning to keep my marriage.  I had spent a lot of time thinking about it.  Any time I brought up the subject of transitioning I thought I saw my wife cringe, like I was stabbing her in the heart.

On Saturday, I told my wife I was just going to stop transitioning.  I kept saying it was the best for us.  I went as far as messaging my therapist and telling her I was no longer going to transition.  I was overreacting to the point where I was ready to throw away my girl clothes, cut my hair and let my body hair grow back.  Even maybe grow my goatee back.  I thought I was fine with that.  Give up everything for our marriage.  But I was being eaten up inside.  I felt a part of me dying.

Sunday evening I talked with my wife again.  It took a while to get up the nerve.  I told her I didn't want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  But I didn't want to add this stress onto her.  I didn't want her to continue to have panic attacks.  As we talked, the biggest stress to her about my transitioning was the constant red alert feeling if I went out as a woman.  The world is cruel.  She felt the need to always have to protect me.  And even if things weren't so bad if I went out as a girl, she still had to deal with my emotions if someone looked at me funny.  It is one thing for friends to be supportive, but they don't live me with to deal with my emotions.  The full fall out of my emotions if someone said or did the wrong thing to me if I was out as a girl.  To be honest, when I dress and put makeup on, I do look like a guy in a dress with makeup on.

Last night we came up with a solution.  A way for me to keep transitioning and her not to be on edge feeling like she constantly had to protect me.  I would still dress at home.  I would still dress when we are at a friends house.  But I would not go out in public as a girl.  If I want to be dressed as a girl at a friends house, then I would bring the stuff with me and change when we get there and change before we leave.  This way there is no worry of what happens from our house to a friends house.  We will also continue with the plan of me starting HRT after we have a baby.  I would stay in "guy mode" for as long as possible.  In an earlier post I had wanted to be a girl 80% of the time and a guy 20% of the time.  We have now switched that.  I will be a girl 20% of the time and a guy 80% of the time.  At some point with the HRT, the effects (hopefully) will make it so I am passable as a woman, and then there will be no need to worry about going out in public as a woman.  This will also then reduce the fear we both have.

I am happy with the plan we came up with.  I was actually able to sleep last night without the worry and stress.  I'll try not to overreact in the future.  No promises though ;P

Referring to Myself

Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker on messenger (she is also one of my best friends).  As we were chatting, I was updating a marketing flyer.  One of the updates was adding a bullet point of 5 Docks.  I ended up typing 5 Dicks.  Thank goodness I noticed what I typed.  Otherwise that would have been bad.  So I told her what I typed, her response was "freud what?".  I joked saying I guess I know what I have on the brain.  She laughed.  Then I made the comment of I'm sure you don't hear that often coming from a guy.  That got me thinking.  Do I still refer to myself as a guy?  I mean I still look like a guy, but I think and feel like a girl.  For people that know me being a transgender woman, do I start referring to myself as a girl or should I remain referring to myself as a guy until I start looking more like a girl and dressing more as a girl?  My head hurt just thinking about it.  I'm not sure how to approach that.  When people on Tumblr, blogger, and Genderfest respond to me they all refer to me as a girl.  At what point do I start referring to myself as a girl with my friends?  Guess I have some thinking to do.

Support

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's house.  She had a birthday present for me.  While over there we went downstairs for a cigarette and to talk a bit.  During the course of the conversation, she mentioned a few things people have said about me transitioning.  First was from her grandmother "S" and grandfather "C".  "S" had noticed all the stuff I have posted on Facebook about accepting people for who they are.  "S" asked who I was supporting and who was transitioning.  My friend told her it was me.  "S" said that was great and that she had always figured.  Since I always hung out with the girls growing up and either I just really liked being around girls or I had wanted to be one of the girls.  It's amazing that yet another person knew who I was before I did.  "S" had told my friend that she won't tell "C" so it doesn't get back to my parents.  My friend told her that my parents already knew so it was ok to tell him.  After "S" told "C" his response was surprising supportive.  He said that it was great that I was embracing who I am.  That made me feel so happy.

Then my friend told me her father came up with an idea for me.  Since my friend and her father have close birthday's around Halloween, they always try to come up with a plan for celebrating their birthdays.  Her father said my friend needs to do another birthday Halloween costume party.  This way I could come as a girl and not have to worry about what people think, since it's Halloween and people dress up anyway.  I feel such love that even my friends' parents are trying to help me be more comfortable as me.

Then my friend said she had an idea.  She was thinking we should have a little get together at her house.  Just really close friends.  And have me come over early and she would do my hair and makeup and dress me up. And then we would all just hang out in a controlled atmosphere for me and them to get comfortable with me being a girl.  I thought that was a great idea.  She also mentioned that one of our friends "L", would like to be there to watch me transform.  "L" knows about me and think it's great that I want to transition and is really interested in the process.  I'm fine with "L" watching the process.  It would help me become more comfortable.  Not sure when we are going to do this.

I'm still amazed at the love and support I am getting.  Even through my little breakdown this past weekend.

The Breakdown

I'm slowly coming out of my weekend breakdown.  My birthday has always been very emotional for me.  This one was extra emotional.  This birthday marked 30 years since my grandfather passed away.  One would think over the years it would get easier.  But it hasn't.  It was my fourth birthday when my grandfather passed away.  I had only known him for 4 years.  But I still miss him.  So with this year being 30 years, with the stress of the unknown of the future with me transitioning, financial stress, and my over sensitivity to hormones (ie my wife starts her period so I end up feeding off the emitted hormones) it was a perfect storm for a breakdown.   I am slowly realizing that I can't go backwards.  I have come so far in the past eight months.  And people are right, I wouldn't be able to handle going back to the way things were.  I'd just might die inside.  So I am going to push on.  I need to push on. Besides, today is the second day of dressing all male and I just don't feel right.  I feel naked without a bra.  My male underwear is very uncomfortable.  My feet hurt from my male shoes.  And I hate how loose men's pants are.  So tomorrow I go back to dressing the way I feel comfortable.  So silly of me to think I could go back.  Thank you to my wife, my friends, and my followers for supporting me through this.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

A Birthday Wish

I have been thinking a lot about my birthday tomorrow.  I usually wish for the same thing every year.  Which is unrealistic.  This year, I think my birthday wish will be different.  I just want the courage to be me.  To not be afraid of who I am.  To not care what others think of me.  I want the confidence to wear whatever I want.  The confidence to go out as my female true self.  I would love to be able to present as female without any hesitation or fear.  To be the woman I know I am.  At this point in my life it is a pretty hefty wish.  It seems as unrealistic as my usual birthday wish.  Maybe in a year or so my new wish can become a reality.

The Wait

There are two events in my life that I've been waiting for.  One is to have a child and the other is to start HRT to continue my transition.  When I was much younger, I had always wanted to have a boy.  It was to carry on my family name.  As I grew older the wanting of having a child faded.  I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this world.  I didn't think I would be a good father.  So when I met my wife, I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to have kids.

However, that started to change when all my friends started having kids.  It rekindled the desire to have kids.  At first my wife was still against having kids.  It wasn't until one of our friends recently had a girl, that my wife started changing her mind.  My wife had never been around someone who was pregnant and then had their kid.  She had never been a part of a baby's life before.  A couple months ago she told me she wanted to start trying to have a baby.  But she wanted to wait until next fall so we could have a summer baby.  I was so excited.  It meant I couldn't start HRT until she was pregnant, but I can wait another year.  I've gone 34 years without being a woman, what's one more year.  Plus it gives us time to get our finances in order.

This morning on our drive into work, we were talking about how a friend of ours is off from work today to go to a daycare event.  And how difficult some daycares, preschools, etc make it difficult for parents who work late and don't get home till 6pm or later.  I mentioned that we will have a long list of approved people that can pick our kid up if we ever needed.  Then she said well we have a while before we have to worry about that.  Due to our finances having a hiccup lately, she doesn't think we will be in a better financial spot by next fall to have a baby.  My heart sank.  One, I really want to have a baby and two, the longer we wait to have a baby the longer I have to wait to start HRT.  I don't know if I can wait an extra year to start HRT. I know the older I get, the less effects it will have on me.  I had hoped the plan would have been that once she was pregnant, I would freeze my sperm (just in case) and start HRT by next winter.  But I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to wait any longer to start trying, because I didn't want to wait longer to start HRT.  I don't want to be selfish, but this dysphoria is a roller coaster ride I really want to stop.

I know my wife reads these blogs, so hun, I'm sorry I couldn't say this out loud to you.

I am working really hard on figuring out our finances and get us in a good spot so we can afford to bring a baby into this world.

Addiction, Obsession or Dysphoria

For a very long, long time I have looked at a lot of pictures of women.  I have always been drawn to the female body.  Naked or not.  Over the years I have saved probably over thousands of pictures.  I see a picture of a beautiful woman and I have to save it.  Why? I'm not sure.

At first I was just a normal teenage boy with raging hormones.  But as I got older it became more of wow, I wish I had her body.  I would see different features of a woman's body and wish I had that feature, whether it be the shape of her butt or hips or breasts, etc.  I started taking some of the pictures I have saved and put them on my phone to run a slideshow as I'm driving.  I can't stop wanting to look at pictures of women.  It has at times triggered depression because I know I will never look like them.  I will never have their bodies.

However, as I become more accepting of myself, I have started looking at more transgender women pictures.  At this time I have no intentions to get bottom surgery.  So I started looking to see if I could be ok with being a woman, but having a penis.  The more I look, the more comfortable I am with that.  I still look at cis women pictures though.  Still there is very little sexual need when I look at the pictures, it is more of looking at the women and wishing I had their body.

Is it wrong for me to do this?  Am I addicted to pictures of women?  Am I obsessed?  Do I purposely trigger my dysphoria?  I don't know.  It is comforting to know that other transgender women do this.  Many women I follow, post pictures of beautiful women they wish they could be.  It is good to not feel alone.