Mixed Emotions

I know it is has been awhile since I have written and I'm not writing as often as I was.  Life has been very crazy.  And until recently things were getting kind of stagnant.  Up until this weekend things were going very slow in regards to my transition.  Besides the Halloween party where I was out to everyone at the party and got to be the "Queen of Hearts", not much progress was happening with my transition.  I hadn't been practicing makeup or going out anywhere dressed.  I'd still put on a skirt at home, but that was it.  Just had been too tired to put in the effort with craziness at work and too much to do around the house.  But things are going to start picking up again soon with my transition.  Unfortunately it is due to some bad news my wife and I received on Saturday.

My wife had her annual OBGYN appointment Saturday morning.  Before her annual she had an ultrasound.  Last year her OBGYN had found a Fibroid.  At the time it was nothing to worry about, just something to monitor.  In February, my wife had a follow up ultrasound and they saw the Fibroid had grown.  Not by much but a little.  Again no huge concern, just monitor it and we were told that depending on if it grows more it could impact her getting pregnant if we decided to have kids.  Still at that time she hadn't changed her mind so it was no real concern.  This past Saturday they discovered that her Fibroid has grown a lot (it is almost 10 centimeters) and that she now has other Fibroids.... so instead of one large one, she has one large one and a bunch of little ones.  Due to the size of the large one it will definitely impact her chances of getting pregnant.  If she doesn't have it removed, the chances are slim that she could get pregnant and if by miracle she does, it is highly unlikely that she could carry to term.  Now if she has it removed via surgery, depending on how deep it is, there could be a void left that would also impair her ability to get pregnant or carry to term.  So if she did get pregnant, she has a high chance of miscarrying.  This means we may never be able to have a baby.  It is too risky at this time to even try.  Neither of us could handle loosing a baby.  So we have decided that nature doesn't want us to have kids at the moment.

With that news, it also means that I don't have to wait as long to transition and start hormones.  So instead of waiting another year, I can start in the beginning of next year (if I can find an Endocrinologist).  We are thinking of having some of my sperm frozen, just in case we can have kids.

I am very sad that at this time we just can't have kids, but also happy that I can start hormones much sooner.  I am very conflicted emotionally.  And to put it on the record, I don't blame my wife or hate her or feel any differently towards her.  I love her no matter what.  It is not her fault that nature decided we shouldn't have kids.  Maybe some day we still can.  Who knows maybe someday in the near future science could catch up and they could find a way that I could be the one who gets pregnant.  One never knows what the future holds.