A New Beginning

Sometimes you just need to wake up.  You need to be see from an outside perspective of who you have become.  You may not see it or allow yourself to see it.   I didn’t realize how I have spiraled.  I have let the negativity at my work consume me.  And I didn’t do anything to stop it.  I shut down and became complaisant.  I let the depression seep back in and was becoming who I was and lost who I was finally supposed to be.  I have become one who whines and bitches about situations without taking action.  I cared only about avoiding confrontation.  I became a “Whoa is me” person.  I let myself fall without a care.  But no more. My life will not fix itself.  There is no magic button that will fix anything.  I want to be that happy energetic full of life woman I was becoming.  

I hate my job.  I’ve made that clear, but I wasn’t doing anything to make it better.  I just hoped an amazing job would fall in my lap.  That’s not going to happen.  I have to work for it.  So this morning I applied for a couple of jobs and setup accounts on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com.  Every day I will apply to at least 2 or three jobs.  I will make this happen.

I bitch about being broke.  It’s by no one’s fault but my own.  My wife and I make great money.  But we allowed ourselves to live way beyond our means.  We racked up credit card debt without a care.  We took expensive trips to Disney. I always said sure, no problem, just put it on the card.  If we ran out of room on a card, we’d apply for another one.  We have racked up to $87,000 in debt.  That’s almost one full year of both our salaries combined.  We were stupid and irresponsible.  Now we are paying the price.  We are in a debt management program, but still barely seeing the light.  We are no discussing bankruptcy.  Like I said, we make great money but didn’t manage it wisely and it hurt us.  But I plan to work hard and get us out of this.  One way or another.

I’ve lost who I am.  I started this blog as an outlet to write.  To get things off my chest.  To share my journey of transition.  I’ve become a person that just writes two lines bitching about something and never doing anything to fix it.  I’m going to get myself back on track.  No more “Whoa is Me”.  I will share my successes instead of dwelling on failures.  Everyone fails every now and then. I plan to suck it up and fix my life.

I am also going to try to look at the positive of every situation instead of dwelling on the negative.  I get misgendered, but I’m not out full time.  That is my own fault.  If I want to be seen as a woman, I need to show them a woman.  Not just hope it happens.  I bitch about my parents always calling me son and he.  But they have tried.  I need to focus on that.  They have called me daughter from time to time and have called me Bibi.  I know it’s hard as they spent 34 years with a son and now have a daughter.  I need to give them more time and also talk to them.  Not just expect them to know what is going on without explanation.  

Today I am taking the steps to get back on the right path.  To where I’m supposed to be.  And if I falter.   Which I may, I hope I will receive another wake up call until it sinks in my thick skull.  

Today is a new day.  

Today I take back my life.

Family

I have seen so many posts from people that have lost their family or risk losing their family for transitioning.  It makes me so sad and angry.  Family is supposed to be there for you.  No matter what. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally.  Families should care more about the members of their family that what other people will think.  They shouldn't let their fear of the unknown turn to hate.  No one should be kicked out of their homes, lose their parents, or lose their children.  No one should lose their jobs or their house for wanting to be themselves.  I wish I could take everyone in and show them what love truly is and what family is supposed to be like.  No one should be hurt for wanting to be themselves.  Embrace us, don't push us away.   Families think they failed us for us being who we are. But families are failing us by pushing us away and hating us.  I have been lucky to have a mostly accepting family.  Why can't other families be accepting?  The world needs to change.  It needs to stop living in fear and start living in love.

Dear Parents and Sister,

I know you said you love, support, and accept me when I came out to you.  But saying and doing are two completely different things.  Don’t act like I’m doing this to hurt you.  This was not a choice.  It’s either have me as a daughter or have a dead son.  Don’t tell me how difficult it will be for you when others know about me.  And don’t tell me how hard it will be for you when I come out to the rest of the family.  Do you not realize how hard this is for me?  Don’t add by reaffirming my maleness.  Please stop saying “You will always be my son.”  Please stop saying every chance you get, “son”, “brother”, “young man”.  Do you realize that is like stabbing me in the heart?  I am now your daughter.  I am alive, I am happy, I am who I was supposed to be.  Can’t you be happy for me?  Can’t you accept that?  I should not have to hide who I am around you and the rest of the family.  If they can’t accept me, then what kind of family are we?  I have another family that has accepted me with open arms.  If you are not careful, you will not only have lost a “son”, but a daughter.  I don’t need that toxic environment in my life.  For one of the first times in my life, I am truly happy.  I am no longer in pain.  I no longer sit awake at night thinking of ways to kill myself.  I love who I am.  I love the woman I’m becoming.  I wish you could love me as your daughter.

Darkness

Last night I had another great therapy session.  Near the end of the session we discussed a part of my past that I have very rarely shared.  The result of the, what seemed endless, bullying in school.  Something I was able to hide from almost everyone.  Along with hiding the constant bullying from family and friends, I hid my nightly ritual.  This is not easy to write about.  When my world seemed to be collapsing around me starting in 6th grade: losing all my friends and the start of the bullying, I started to contemplate suicide and I self harmed.  Almost every night I would sit up in my bed with either a knife or a bottle of pills.  Almost every night I thought it would be easier to just end it than deal with the pain any longer.

As I am still here, I never fully followed through.  Maybe deep down I knew that things would eventually get better, even though it seemed impossible.  I had felt so alone.  I felt I had no one who really cared about me.  It started with just holding the knife in my hand.  Trying to bring it to my wrist.  Then a bottle of pills in my hand, trying to bring it to my mouth.  I was very hesitant at first, even though I really wanted my pain to end.  Over a matter of weeks, the hesitation eased.  That is when I began cutting.  I started light.  Barely breaking the skin.  I pressed down just hard enough to cut through the top layer of skin.  It only looked like scratches.  Fearing what my parents would say with what my wrist was starting to look like, I moved to my inner thighs.  Each night I'd go a bit deeper.  Soon drawing blood.  I would just watch as the blood came to the surface and run down the cut.  I can't explain how it made me feel.... just maybe having the physical pain made the emotional pain subside, just for a moment.

I hit my apex in my junior year of high school.  One night I finally got the nerve to take the pills.  I had no idea what pills to take.  So I downed a full bottle of Aleve and prayed I would not wake up the next morning.  Apparently I couldn't die from taking a full bottle of Aleve.  I started thinking of other ways to end my life.  A girl in my class J.W. saw the signs.  Over a couple of weeks she convinced me not to kill myself.  I still cut, but not as deep as I used to.  The pain was still there, but having someone see the signs and care gave me hope.  I tried so hard to hide it from everyone in my life.  Why I let my guard down to show her what I was feeling maybe was a subconscious cry for help.

Soon after that is when I began smoking.  I made the conscious effort to replace my nightly ritual of cutting with a nightly cigarette.  Over the next year or so I had completely stopped cutting as long as I had that nightly cigarette.  If I skipped the cigarette, I would have that knife back in my hand.  Smoking became my vice.  A bad habit, yes, but I was no longer suicidal.  I found something that made me feel good.  Each drag just made the pain easier to deal with.  By then also my life was getting better.  I found myself surrounded by great friends, especially B, N, H, & M.  How I hid this from them, I don't know.  I put on such a good act I guess.

A few years later in college, things seemed to get bad again.  I was far away from my friends.  Getting bullied again.  I was trying losing it, so I started cutting again.  I picked up the knife with such ease.  I still remember that night crystal clear.  I can still feel how the blade felt going across my wrist.  I, as usual, didn't not cut deep.  Just enough for a little blood.  I cut for the next few weeks or so.  I finally stopped when I started dating my ex.  After dating for a while, I felt it was time to put away the knife for good.  I decided to get a celtic tattoo on my wrist to remind me not to cut.  The reason I chose celtic was because I was part scottish and in my mind every time I look at the tattoo it will remind me of all those that came before me and they endured, so I should be able to endure to.

Since getting the tattoo, I have not cut.  I've thought about it, but I have too much to live for now.  No matter how bad I feel, I just need to look at my wife and feel her love.  She is my reason for being.  And I would never want to hurt her.  When things get bad, instead of cutting I may pick a scab or pick the skin by my nails.  That's the extent of my self harm now.  Since quitting smoking cigarettes, it has been a little difficult not having that ritual, but thankfully I am smoking pipe tobacco once a day.  That has given me my nightly ritual back.  It's a close substitute.

I like to think that maybe way back when I started cutting, the deep down reason I didn't take my life is because the fates knew what I'd have now:  a loving wife, 3 wonderful kitties, 3 best friends, and an amazing famylie.

Emotional Wreck

This past weekend ended up being a perfect storm of emotions.  Unfortunately caught in the path was my wife.  As I have posted before, I have been quitting smoking.  I was doing really good.  I put on my last patch on this past Tuesday and then was nicotine for the first time in a very long time.  But part of me felt this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it was going to be this time.  I thought things were going great since I hadn't cheated on the patch like I have in the past.  But my emotions were reaching a boiling point.

A couple of weeks ago, I accompanied my wife to an OBGYN appointment.  As I had stated a long while ago in a post, she found out she had fibroids in her uterus.  For those that don't know, fibroids are non cancerous tumors.  First only one was found of a decent size but of not much concern.  Many women get fibroids and they can be easily treated or dissolve on their own.   At the time when it was found we were told it could be problematic for us to get pregnant.  And at that time we weren't going to try for kids anyway, so no worries.  Last year it was discovered that the fibroid had grown and now had friends.  Still not uncommon, but would make it near impossible for us to have kids, which we just started to think about having.  So with the near impossibility and me wanting to start transitioning we made the final decision to not even try for kids.  If we ever changed our minds, we could always adopt.  Fast forward to a couple weeks ago.  My wife was starting to feel discomfort from the fibroid.  Apparently it's growth has gone into hyper-drive. We went to her OBGYN and discussed our options with the doctor.  We had two options: 1. To do a bunch of tests to determine its full size and impact on her uterus and try to carefully remove it and any other problematic ones and risk the chance of damaging her uterus or 2. Have a hysterectomy and completely remove the uterus and no longer risk the fibroids coming back or turning into cancerous cells.  Since we didn't want to have kids we opted for option 2, the hysterectomy.  This means surgery and her being out of work recovering for anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months depending on which method they are able to remove the uterus with.  So my emotions are a wreck from worrying about her.  Its a surgery that she will be put under for and I don't want to lose her.  I love her so much and fear complications with the surgery, even though I know hysterectomies have become fairly routine with little risk.  But there is always risk even if it is a little.  Also I am worried about our finances with her being on short term disability for 3 weeks to 2 months.  That means she will only be taking home 60% of her normal paycheck.  Things are tight as it is, I have a plan to save before her surgery to offset the difference, but it is still stressful.

To add on to my emotions, work has sucked lately.  I work in Real Estate and the market hasn't really been that great.  I'm an Admin and Marketing person.  So I work for a bunch of brokers.  Since deals aren't closing, the brokers are depressed and upset and they have been taking it out on me.  They focus there issues on me.  I tend to adopt emotions that are around me and my past review reflected that when I was told I was being to negative in the office.  But it is really difficult to be upbeat when you are being shit on from all directions at work.  It is hard to keep a smile on your face when someone is blaming you for their mistakes.  I am supposed to smile and nob when I am bitched at for trying to fix their issues.  So that is stressing me mega time.

Also, just recently my father-in-law was laid off again.  He works in construction and unfortunately like the real estate market things have been slow.  So when projects end and other ones don't start for weeks or months, he gets laid off.  My mother-in-law doesn't work due to health issues she has been having.  So I am worried about them.  Then this past week, my father called me to tell me he has been laid off.  He works in thermal coatings and that is a tough business to be in.  He is really good at what he does, but doesn't really play the politics and that hurts him every time.  The weasels and suck ups always stay on no matter how bad they are at their job and my father gets laid off.  My mom isn't working.  She hasn't work since they moved back to CT after my father got laid off from the previous job.  So I am also worried about them.  I am so worried about both sets of parents.  I wish I could help them, but my wife and I aren't in a good financial spot either due to too much debt.

Then there's the stress of transitioning.  This is something I have really wanted.  To finally feel comfortable in my body.  Progress is slow but it has its fears.  My in-laws are talking about taking us on all these trips when my father-in-law goes back to work.  Mainly to Disney and the big concern I have is what happens when they want to go to one of the water parks.  I'm not passable now, but I am growing breasts.  How will I cover that.  How do I keep from the stares and fears.  By the time any of this happens I could pass.  It is a long time out, but still have the fear.

And finally with the hormones, I am going through a second puberty.  My emotions are already all over the place due to the hormones.  This all boiled over this weekend.  I was losing it.  I was snapping at my wife for no reason.  Getting pissed and angry for no reason.  The littlest things were setting me off.  I really wanted a cigarette but my wife didn't want to start back up again.  Neither did I, but I wasn't thinking straight.  We picked up more patches, just in case, but my wife didn't want me to use them either.  She wanted me to come up with another healthier vice to my emotional stress.  But all I could think about was having nicotine in my system.  Which caused more issues between us.  I was angry and sad and depressed.  I felt like a failure for wanting a cigarette.  I felt like I was losing myself.  Finally she told me to put a patch on.  I did and after about 2 hours, the emotions started pouring out.  I was crying.  I realized how much of an ass I was, how much I was hurting her emotionally.  The damage was done.  I treated her like shit.  I tried to apologize, but with how I acted it was hard to accept.  I know she has stress too and worries.  I felt like the worst person in the world.  We barely talked last night before bed and hardly said much to each other on our drives into work.  I feel so horrible for how I acted.  Why can't I control myself without nicotine?  If I go off the patch again I fear what I will become.  I fear I will become a bitter, mean, asshole who may risk losing his wife.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to lose my wife.  I love her so much, if I were to lose her, there would be no point to anything anymore.

Sorry for the long post, but I am still very emotional.  I should be writing more often so I don't keep all of this bottled up and have it boil over again.  I really hope my emotions normalize, I really don't like being on this roller coaster.

Update

This past Friday I had my second Endocrinologist appointment.  We got there early due to the blizzard had already started and the roads were slippery.  Luckily they took us early.  The appointment went well for the most part.  My potassium was up in my blood work so I have to go for more blood work this Friday to recheck it.  If it goes down, my doctor will up my prescription of Spiro.  She asked if I had any breast soreness yet, which I had not.  She asked if I noticed any changes.  At the time, the only change was that I am a lot calmer.

That night my breasts and nipples started aching.  Guess they just needed to hear from the doctor that they were supposed to. ;P  So now I have a constant ache in my breasts and nipples.  No pain no gain right.  My wife noticed that my breasts are starting to hold shape.  I hadn't really noticed, but I believe her.  Every time I rub my chest because it aches, my wife smirks and says welcome to being a girl.  Again, no pain no gain.  I have started noticing more changes over this weekend.  I don't have to shave my chest, legs, or arms as often.  This morning I noticed my beard isn't growing as fast either.  So hopefully less shaving is needed as time goes on.  Also I'm starting to get pimples.  But they aren't coming to the surface, but I can feel them.  Ugh.  I hate pimples.  Course who doesn't.  Lastly I have noticed my odor changing.  My wife hasn't noticed yet.  Apparently only I can smell it.  Makes me want to shower twice a day if not more.

That's it for right now.  Can not wait for more changes to start happening.  And really gotta remember to start taking pics to document this.

Answers From the Wife of a Transgender Woman (Link)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/regina/answers-from-the-wife-of-a-transgender-woman_b_2625911.html

Update and the Next Step

I know I haven't posted in a long while.  Things have been crazy with the end of the year and the start of a new one.  I can't believe another year is over and a lot has happened in the past year.  Most recently my wife, my in-laws and me went on a Disney vacation over Christmas.  We did two days at Disney World, then 5 nights on a Disney Cruise, then 2 more days at Disney World.  It was a lot of fun.  We had a very good time, especially if you look at what we spent.  :)  Being at Disney (or away from home) I felt more comfortable to being me.  I wore more woman's clothes than men's.  No one looked at me weird, at least that I noticed.  I bought some more woman's clothes, 3 t-shirts, a really cute hat, and on the cruise I bought this really cute dress (I can't wait to wear it).  One thing my wife and I noticed is that we are the same size again.  So we can share the clothes I bought.  Yay!!!  A nice thing about the cruise is we had a veranda.  Some nice privacy.  So when we didn't get off the ship at port we could hang out on the veranda in peace.  I spent a lot of the time getting used to wearing my bikini.  By the end of the cruise I was finally feeling comfortable wearing it.

Now for the next step.  This past Friday I had my first appointment with an endocrinologist.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  I feared I wouldn't be able to start hormones when I wanted to.  But the appointment went great.  They first did the normal stuff of getting medical history, blood pressure, and weight (apparently I gained 13 lbs since the trip :(  Damn Disney and their good food).  After that the doctor came in.  She was very nice.  She asked me what my preferred name was and pronouns.  Then she went through what she was gonna start me on and how each reacts.  Most I knew from my extensive research before hand.  She told me she needed to do a blood test to check my kidneys and liver.  If the blood test looks good then she will call me on Tuesday to call in my prescriptions.  I will be on an estrogen patch and spiro (a testosterone blocker).  She is planning to have me keep a little testosterone in my system so I still have a libido   Which makes my wife happy (me too).  So if all goes well I will start hormones tomorrow night.  Yay!!!  Amazing how far I have gone in just a year.

Now I need to start thinking of if or when to tell my work.  I'm not sure.  Luckily I live in CT where there are anti-discrimination laws that prevent my work from firing me for being Transgender.  But I am still fear full.  I may give it a bit and see how much the hormones change me before saying anything.

This is going to be an interesting year.  I look forward to it.

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

Halloween Prep Update

So my Halloween costume arrived a few days ago.  I was very reluctant in trying it on.  I was afraid it wouldn't fit or I would look funny.  After about two hours, I gave in to put it on.  To my surprise it fit.  But I wasn't too happy with the way it looked on me.  However when my wife saw me in it she cheered me up.  She said it fit perfectly and looked great.  She said she was jealous of how good I looked in it.  I am going to take her word for it since most times when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see.  So I have decided I am going to wear the costume.

Last post I was worried about who I could get to do my hair and makeup.  I didn't want to ask one of my friends since she was the one throwing the party and I didn't want to bother her.  So I asked another friend who is a hair dresser if she would do my hair.  She was very excited I asked.  She of course said yes.  I can't wait to see what she can do with my hair.  I was still worried about doing my makeup.  Then on Saturday morning my friend (who is the one throwing the party) texted me.  She was offering to do my makeup and hair.  I told her that I already had our mutual friend doing my hair, but would love for her to do my makeup.  She is the one who did my makeup for the first time.  I am so excited she is going to take the time from the party prep to do my makeup.  I can't wait to see the results.  Also I get to have some great girl time.  I can not wait.

Now the following has nothing to do with Halloween, but had to share.  I am very proud of my wife.  She just got a promotion at her work.  She will be doing the same work as she has been, but her title will match the work she is doing.  That also means a raise.  That will definitely help us out more financially.  So once the raise kicks in, the financial stress should be a little less.  This will also mean she makes more than me.  She is the bread winner now.  Our roles are truly reversed.  But even if there was no raise, I am very proud of my wife.  She works so hard and deserves this.

Interesting Weekend

So this weekend was interesting.  It started with Saturday, my wife and her mom were going out shopping all day and her father had to work all day.  Once they all left I thought it would be a good time to practice make-up and spend most of the day at home as a girl.  So I got my makeup out and started applying it.  I think I did much better with my eye shadow (sorry no pics this time).  After I got the makeup on I got dressed in my favorite push-up bra, a ribbed turtleneck, black tights, and a jean skirt.  I had a lot to do around the house and figured I would do it as my true self.  It was great.  At least until around 1pm.  I decided to go outside for a smoke.  As I was opening our back door, one of our cats (Jack) was lying in wait and bolted out the door.  He is an indoor cat and is only allowed outside when he is in a harness and leash (we live on a dangerous road and my wife and neighbors have lost cats to the road so we keep them on leashes).  So now I'm freaking out.  I'm all dressed as a girl with makeup on and our cat has escaped.  I am not out to our neighbors and really did not want to deal with that at the moment.  So I rush upstairs and quickly change into jeans and throw on a sweat shirt then run into the bathroom and try to quickly wash the makeup off, while hoping the cat did not wander far or get lost.  So that set me back a bit.  I wish I was out and didn't have the fear to hide.  If anything bad had happened to Jack, I don't know what I would have done.  So Saturday started great and ended badly.

Now onto Sunday.  Sunday was an interesting day.  The reason my wife and her mom were out shopping on Saturday was to get dresses and accessories for our upcoming Disney Christmas cruise.  Now Sunday we all were going out to Men's Warehouse to get her father and me suits for the cruise.  They were buy one get one free so I was getting a free suit.  I was very off with the whole thing.  Not sure why, but everyone could tell something was up.  I guess part of me, just didn't like the thought of getting a suit.  I would have much rather have gone the day before and gotten a dress, but that definitely wasn't gonna happen.  One, my in-laws only know I'm out as a cross-dresser, not a transgender woman.  They don't understand transgender.  They only grasp that some people like to cross-dress in the privacy of their homes, not that some people (like me) know they were born in the wrong body and need to transition to the correct physical gender.  Plus not being fully out and comfortable being fully out, there would be no way of me being a woman for the cruise.  So I sucked it up and got a suit and will wear the suit for the cruise.  Not that I have anything against suits, it's just a reminder of my maleness.  Everyone thought I looked amazing in the suit.  So that was a plus. And after the suits we went shopping for shape wear for my mother-in-law, so I got to show some of my femininity with my knowledge of shape wear.  My wife and I discussed this a bit last night.  We decided to help with my dysphoria on the cruise when I'm wearing the suit, I'm gonna be wearing a very low profile bra (ie no one will be able to tell that I'm wearing it) and some very feminine lace thong panties.  And I'll be wearing my boots (which of course are woman's) and maybe I may wear tights under my pants.  So what people see will be male, but what's underneath will be all feminine.  I just look forward to the day when I can be the one who gets all dolled up:  Makeup, earrings, necklace, evening gown, heels and having my hair all done up.  Someday.

Birthday Wish Update

So apparently, if I want to wish for something, I need to wish for the opposite.  Saturday on my birthday, I wished for what I said I would.  To be more confident in myself.  Instead, I ended up having more doubts about my transitioning.  I felt more like giving up.  I have been thinking for a while that maybe transitioning just isn't worth it.  Maybe it would be better if I just went back to the way things were.  Less stress, less fear, less worry.  After the post last night, my wife and I talked.  She didn't want me to give up.  She wants me to push on.  I just feel so selfish if I continue on with the transition.  Yes I've come a long way in 8 months, but is it worth it.  I'm the type of person that likes to put everyone in front of me.  My wife's happiness, my friends happiness, my family's happiness all come before mine.  I feel so selfish in wanting to transition.  It won't be easy.  It will get harder.  There could be moments of hatred towards me.  There could be discrimination towards me.  If there is, it will affect my wife, my friends and my family.  I don't want to put them through that.  I just want to give up.  Today I am not wearing anything feminine.  I am wearing guy underwear, guy pants, guy socks, guy shoes, guy shirt, no bra.  I even used my guy body spray.  Just to see if I can go back.  It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It's also not as comfortable as my girl clothes.  I feel very lost right now.  Do I go back to the way things were?  Make it easy for everyone.  Or do I continue on without knowing what can happen?  Knowing it could get very hard at times.  Logic would be going back.  But could I handle that?  Could I just learn to accept myself for being male and staying male?  I wish I knew the answer.  I have definitely come to a crossroads.  Not knowing which path to take.

To Be or Not to Be

I have come a long way in the past 8 months.  It has taken a lot of strength to get where I am.  But now I feel the strength has run out.  I am beginning to doubt everything.  I don't know if I am strong enough to continue.   I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to continue.  I knew this would be hard, but I really under estimated how hard this would be on my wife.   Plus I never thought about what the future would hold if I transition.  I mean in the back of my mind I thought about it, but never really sat down and thought of the what if's.  Maybe the stress of transitioning could destroy my marriage.  Maybe I would loose my job.  Maybe I would loose my family.  If we have a child, maybe I would cause a life of ridicule and torment for them due to their father being a transgender woman.  Do I want to put them through that?  Should I sacrifice my family's happiness for me wanting to be a woman?  Would I be sacrificing their happiness?  Is this just the fear talking? Or is this logic talking?  Should I just go back to the way I was?  Be happy with the occasional skirt wearing in the privacy of my home?  Wear a bra every now and then?  No makeup, no going out in public dressing?  No more blog?  No more talking about being a transgender woman?  I don't know.  Just go back and ignore.  Maybe occasionally write something to keep from being depressed.  Part of me just wants to cut my hair, stop shaving my legs and chest, and stop wearing anything feminine.  Another part of me wants to feel comfortable in my body, to have my body match my mind.  But again is getting my body to match my mind worth all the aggravation and stress?  At this point I can not answer that question.  I don't know.

Dreams, Fears and What Not....

Dreams....
Lately I been having dreams again that I vaguely remember.  Last night I had two.. the first I dreamed that I failed my Real Estate exam again and I got fired because of it.  That scared me as in less than a week I retake the general section of the Real Estate exam.  Then I had another dream where I was turning into a bear.  Really weird.  I don't remember much of it but I do remember I was slowly changing.  I woke up as I was growing bear fur.  I wonder what that dream means.

Fears....
This morning as I was getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror.  I was only wearing a bra and panties.  As I looked in the mirror, a fear came over me.  As I have not started HRT yet, I am still very male.  And my reflection was just of a man wearing a bra and panties.  It was saddening.  I started to worry that even when I start HRT that I will never look feminine.  I'm afraid I will always look as a man in woman's clothes.  I want to be a woman so bad.  I want people to look at me and have no doubt of me being a woman.  I fear that it won't happen.  It has got me in a funk this morning.  Yesterday I watched some YouTube videos of people's transition slide shows.  Showing how they looked before HRT and then the progression of each month on HRT.  A majority looked amazing.  Like you would never tell now that they were ever male.  I want to be like them.  I want to be a pretty woman.  I hate dysphoria.

What Not....
I have been out to a lot of people in the last month or so.  I'm a little disappointed that I really haven't gotten any questions.  I know that many transgender people don't want people asking them questions, but I actually do.  I'm surprised my parents or my sister hasn't asked me anything about being Trans*.  They don't have the links to my blogs so they can't read about what I'm going through.  Maybe they just need time to process it.  Or maybe they are ignoring it.  I don't know.  I welcome the questions.  I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become with myself and being able to express myself.  Granted, writing is so much easier because it gives me more time to think, but I want to be open about everything.  The more open I am, the less I hide.  The less I hide, the more I can be my true self.  On my tumblr blog, it gives people the option to ask questions.  I get none.  I watch others get asked all sorts of questions, me nothing.  I want to talk to people.  I need to talk to people.

Now a happy note....
My new clothes should arrive today.  I hope they fit.  I look forward to the day when I can actually go into a store and try on the clothes I want instead of ordering online and not knowing if they will fit or not.  Also I got my new woman's watch last night.  It's cute.  Much smaller/sleeker, more feminine.  I wore it to work today.  I wonder if anyone will really notice I'm wearing a woman's watch.  Probably not.  Oh well.

Blah

Lately I have been feeling very blah.  Things have slowed down a lot regarding my journey.  It's been weeks since I have fully dressed or put makeup on.  Even though I am out to a lot of people, I am still hesitant with being out as the woman I am inside.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm waiting for another perfect opportunity like the pride parade.  Or a small gathering of friends.

My desire to be a woman is still strong and still growing inside of me.  I feel like I still need to be pushed though.  I know part of me hopes that a friend would call and beg me to come over so she can do my hair.  Or that a few friends would do like a girl's night and invite me.  I don't know.  I do know that everyone has been crazy busy, including me.  Lately my weekends have been booked.  Like this coming weekend, my wife and I have to go over to my parents to help install ceiling fans and then after that we are having a family gathering to celebrate three family birthdays.  Since not everyone in the family knows, I still have to hide.  Sunday is a free day, but that just means the normal laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, etc.  Also it hasn't helped that I have been stressed lately.  I was stressing over a Real Estate exam.  Which I failed one part, so now I'm stressing about having to retake that part.  Always stressed about finances.  I would love to be able to afford to get a bunch of new women's clothes to continue to grow my wardrobe and get more makeup supplies.  But those aren't really necessities so they must wait.

I've also been a little depressed lately.  Next weekend is the 75th anniversary reunion party for an outdoor theater I used to work at.  I was hoping to go but it was too expensive for us to travel to NC for it.  I understand that we can't afford it, it's just hard when watching all my friends post on FB how they are looking forward to seeing everyone and I won't be there.  Luckily one of our theater techie friends is holding his annual weekend birthday bash that weekend.  It's the 25th anniversary of that, so my wife and I will be going.  I haven't seen many of those people in a long time either.  None of them know about me so I will again have to hide it.  Not sure how some of them would take it.  Most likely they would take it like everyone else saying they have always known and would be supportive.  But who knows... damn fear... I really wish I could duct tape fear's mouth shut.  Of course who knows... maybe I'll get buzzed or drunk and let it slip.  Guess we shall wait and see.

I've also been getting very anxious to start HRT.  In some ways I can't wait to start, but another part of me is ok with waiting so my wife and I can try to have a baby.  I really want a girl.  I want to make her a princess. I look forward to taking her shopping and getting her all dressed up.  But then as I get excited about that, I also worry about raising a child in a household where her father is a transgender woman.  I worry about what her friends would say or do.  Again... damn fear talking... it really needs to stop.  I know it is trying to protect me, but I also know this is the correct path for me regardless of the risks.  So I look on the bright side and think that by the time she is old enough that society will have finally caught up and be more accepting.

On a happier upbeat note... my new woman's watch should be delivered today and the new clothes I ordered should be delivered tomorrow.  I can not wait.  Guess that's all for now.

Still Afraid??

At this point in my journey I have come out to my parents, my sister, my in-laws, and my friends.  I have been accepted by all but there is still this fear lingering.  I'm still afraid to be me.  Why??  I'm still afraid to dress as I really am.  I'm still afraid to practice putting on makeup.  Why?? Why?? Why??  My wife supports me, my friends support me, my family supports me.  I want to stand tall and be me, but I'm afraid.  I want this fear to go away.  I no longer have to hide who I am, but still feel that need to.  Is it because I have  hid myself for so long that I know no other way?  Why do I fear what other people think?  People I don't know.  I want to feel strong.  I wish there was a way to erase this fear and replace it with confidence.  I just recently got a new bra that actually makes me look like I have breasts.  It's great.  But I'm afraid to wear it.  Why??  God I need a confidence boost.

When Did I Know

A friend asked me when I knew I was different.... here is my response:


When I was between 5 and 6 my sister and aunt would dress me up and call me Brycianna.  It felt right and I always loved doing it.  In kindergarten all my friends were girls and I rathered play with them than any of the boys.  I loved playing house and with dolls than with boy's toys and sports... so I guess those were the earliest signs.

Up to middleschool, all my close friends were girls and I found I related to them better.  Middleschool was just hell... everyone is lost and confused there.  But at thirteen is when I started to wish I was a girl instead of a boy.  By fifteen, when no one was home I would sneak into my sister's room and put on some of her clothes.  They felt more comfortable.  By Highschool my circle of friends were girls again and I felt more comfortable with them. Junior year it I started to feel depressingly out of place in my male body.  Contemplated suicide several times.  Still every night wishing I was a girl.  Senior year, I forced myself to try to be more male.. that lasted until my Sophomore year of college.  The summer after my sophomore year is when I did the fifth letter and started to come out to my self.  I started wearing girls jeans and shaving my legs, chest, and pits.  The desire to be a woman was becoming more and more.  When I was alone in Virginia after my first wife and I split, I would dress when I was home and sometimes go driving as a woman.  But when I moved back home I tried to push those thoughts away.  


When I met my wife I hoped being with a woman I dearly love that I would no longer want to be a woman.  I threw away all the clothes I had accumulated over the years.  But the desire to be a woman became more and more.  Feeling ashamed of those desires, I just kept them to my self .  But instead it was eating me up inside.  Then a friend got me to write, which opened the flood gates to me accepting myself.  


So I did know at an early age, but due to societal pressures and the way my family was, I hid it. 

Coming Out: Part 2

Yesterday I came out to my sister.  Again, just like everyone else, she said she kind of already knew.  And she was ok with it.  She joked that she always wanted a sister.

In the past few weeks, I have come out to a majority of my friends, my parents, my sister, and my in-laws.  All have been accepting and supportive.  I have merged my Google+ account with my blogger blog.  I have updated my email address to my real email address on my blog sites.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  No more hiding who I really am, for the most part.  As of now, I am not coming out at work and I am not coming out to certain family members.  For work, I work for a small company that is kind of like an old boys club.  Even though it is illegal in CT to discriminate against transgenders, I fear that they would still find a way to make my life a living hell and maybe even find another way to fire me.  For certain family members, they are very old school religious (my grandmother and great aunt especially).  I know they would not understand and would go on and on how I would be going to hell.  Plus with my parents living next to both of them, I know my grandmother and great aunt would cause extra added stress on my parents and they already get enough from them.  I'm ok with them not knowing.  I can at least hide it from them for a while.  I'm not sure what will happen when I start HRT.  I hope I can still hide it from both work and my certain family members.

Hiding

Now that my parents and my in-laws know that I'm transgender, I have decided it is time to stop hiding.  I have added my real google+ profile as an admin for this blog.  I have linked this blog to my real google+ account.  If anyone stumbles upon it, so be it.  It's time to start letting everyone see the real me.  Still not ready for any work collegues to know or my grandmother & great aunt, but at somepoint.

Coming Out Update

So last night my wife and I went over to my parent's house for dinner.  We were going to tell them that I am transgender.  We picked up pizza and headed over to their house.  I was very nervous.  I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best.  As we ate I was getting second thoughts of telling them, but knew I had to.  We chatted about other stuff while we ate.  We moved to the living room after dinner to talk more.  After about a half an hour of talking it was time to tell them.  I didn't know how to say it so I just said it.  After the initial silence they said they already kind of knew.  They said the signs had always been there.  They told me they loved me and would accept me no matter what.  We talked some more about what I was planning on doing and such.  By 9:30pm we were tired so we finished talking and my wife & I went home.  They accepted me... they still love me... they gave me big hugs before we left.  It felt like a weight has been lifted.  No more hiding.