Blah

Lately I have been feeling very blah.  Things have slowed down a lot regarding my journey.  It's been weeks since I have fully dressed or put makeup on.  Even though I am out to a lot of people, I am still hesitant with being out as the woman I am inside.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm waiting for another perfect opportunity like the pride parade.  Or a small gathering of friends.

My desire to be a woman is still strong and still growing inside of me.  I feel like I still need to be pushed though.  I know part of me hopes that a friend would call and beg me to come over so she can do my hair.  Or that a few friends would do like a girl's night and invite me.  I don't know.  I do know that everyone has been crazy busy, including me.  Lately my weekends have been booked.  Like this coming weekend, my wife and I have to go over to my parents to help install ceiling fans and then after that we are having a family gathering to celebrate three family birthdays.  Since not everyone in the family knows, I still have to hide.  Sunday is a free day, but that just means the normal laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, etc.  Also it hasn't helped that I have been stressed lately.  I was stressing over a Real Estate exam.  Which I failed one part, so now I'm stressing about having to retake that part.  Always stressed about finances.  I would love to be able to afford to get a bunch of new women's clothes to continue to grow my wardrobe and get more makeup supplies.  But those aren't really necessities so they must wait.

I've also been a little depressed lately.  Next weekend is the 75th anniversary reunion party for an outdoor theater I used to work at.  I was hoping to go but it was too expensive for us to travel to NC for it.  I understand that we can't afford it, it's just hard when watching all my friends post on FB how they are looking forward to seeing everyone and I won't be there.  Luckily one of our theater techie friends is holding his annual weekend birthday bash that weekend.  It's the 25th anniversary of that, so my wife and I will be going.  I haven't seen many of those people in a long time either.  None of them know about me so I will again have to hide it.  Not sure how some of them would take it.  Most likely they would take it like everyone else saying they have always known and would be supportive.  But who knows... damn fear... I really wish I could duct tape fear's mouth shut.  Of course who knows... maybe I'll get buzzed or drunk and let it slip.  Guess we shall wait and see.

I've also been getting very anxious to start HRT.  In some ways I can't wait to start, but another part of me is ok with waiting so my wife and I can try to have a baby.  I really want a girl.  I want to make her a princess. I look forward to taking her shopping and getting her all dressed up.  But then as I get excited about that, I also worry about raising a child in a household where her father is a transgender woman.  I worry about what her friends would say or do.  Again... damn fear talking... it really needs to stop.  I know it is trying to protect me, but I also know this is the correct path for me regardless of the risks.  So I look on the bright side and think that by the time she is old enough that society will have finally caught up and be more accepting.

On a happier upbeat note... my new woman's watch should be delivered today and the new clothes I ordered should be delivered tomorrow.  I can not wait.  Guess that's all for now.