Thinking

Since my last post about two hours ago I have been thinking about what I wrote.  About why I have slowed down.  Was it really because I've been busy?  Or was it because I've been stressed.  The more I thought of it, I think those reasons were just masking the real underlying reason.  Deep down I think I was starting to think I was putting to much stress on the people in my life.  I think I felt like I was asking too much too quick from my wife and my friends.  I felt like I was drowning them in Trans* this and Trans* that.  Was I just putting so much out there and asking so much that they were getting sick of hearing it?  Was I pushing too hard and asking too much?  Were my friends tired of hearing about me and what I am going through?  Most of my life I have been the person who would drop everything to help, always be the ear to listen and never speak back.  Some part of me always felt that my troubles were never worth vocalizing.  Fear has made me think that no one wants to hear me complain or whine or express myself.  So I would just internalize and not bother anyone.  Then the freight train of my accepting and coming out as a transgender woman came and I didn't have time to worry about internalizing.  Was I just dumping too much on the people around me?  And of course being me I end up going from one extreme to another.  Instead of being open and my myself.. I go into hiding and internalizing.  I want to find a happy medium.  I do not want to stress any friendships or be a bother to anyone.  I just want to be me.  But I do need help, but I've hit the other extreme and too worried to ask for it.  I'm all in my head again and twisting everything around.  I want to find a balance.  This journey is so hard, I just need to remind myself that it is worth it in the end.  I don't want the depression and self loathing anymore.  I want the happiness and self content.