Dreams, Fears and What Not....

Dreams....
Lately I been having dreams again that I vaguely remember.  Last night I had two.. the first I dreamed that I failed my Real Estate exam again and I got fired because of it.  That scared me as in less than a week I retake the general section of the Real Estate exam.  Then I had another dream where I was turning into a bear.  Really weird.  I don't remember much of it but I do remember I was slowly changing.  I woke up as I was growing bear fur.  I wonder what that dream means.

Fears....
This morning as I was getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror.  I was only wearing a bra and panties.  As I looked in the mirror, a fear came over me.  As I have not started HRT yet, I am still very male.  And my reflection was just of a man wearing a bra and panties.  It was saddening.  I started to worry that even when I start HRT that I will never look feminine.  I'm afraid I will always look as a man in woman's clothes.  I want to be a woman so bad.  I want people to look at me and have no doubt of me being a woman.  I fear that it won't happen.  It has got me in a funk this morning.  Yesterday I watched some YouTube videos of people's transition slide shows.  Showing how they looked before HRT and then the progression of each month on HRT.  A majority looked amazing.  Like you would never tell now that they were ever male.  I want to be like them.  I want to be a pretty woman.  I hate dysphoria.

What Not....
I have been out to a lot of people in the last month or so.  I'm a little disappointed that I really haven't gotten any questions.  I know that many transgender people don't want people asking them questions, but I actually do.  I'm surprised my parents or my sister hasn't asked me anything about being Trans*.  They don't have the links to my blogs so they can't read about what I'm going through.  Maybe they just need time to process it.  Or maybe they are ignoring it.  I don't know.  I welcome the questions.  I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become with myself and being able to express myself.  Granted, writing is so much easier because it gives me more time to think, but I want to be open about everything.  The more open I am, the less I hide.  The less I hide, the more I can be my true self.  On my tumblr blog, it gives people the option to ask questions.  I get none.  I watch others get asked all sorts of questions, me nothing.  I want to talk to people.  I need to talk to people.

Now a happy note....
My new clothes should arrive today.  I hope they fit.  I look forward to the day when I can actually go into a store and try on the clothes I want instead of ordering online and not knowing if they will fit or not.  Also I got my new woman's watch last night.  It's cute.  Much smaller/sleeker, more feminine.  I wore it to work today.  I wonder if anyone will really notice I'm wearing a woman's watch.  Probably not.  Oh well.