A Dream of the Heart

Ever sit and wonder what your purpose in life is.  Like what path to take.  What are you passionate about?  Are you passionate about anything?  Off and on I ask myself that.  Then not too long ago it hit me.  I felt a huge wave go over me.  I think I have finally discovered my path in life, my passion. Something my heart is telling me I need to do. It may sound crazy or impossible, but I think with a little support and a lot of heart, anything can be possible.  

I want to start a foundation and a private boarding school for LGBT youth.  A place where those who were kicked out of their homes for being themselves can go. Anyone who reaches out in need, no matter where they live, the foundation will pay for them to get to the school.  It would be a place to live and go to school.  A safe place where kids would have a warm bed, food, clothes, and get an education. They would have access to therapy and medical care, if needed. They will have a place to be themselves with no fear.  They would have a supportive environment.  

I would really like this idea to become a reality.  I read of so many stories where parents kick their kids out for being LGBT.  And they don’t have anywhere to go. They end up dropping out of school and living on the streets.  This saddens me so much.  I need to help.  This is where my heart is drawing me.

There are still a lot of details to work out and this is just beginning.  It will take a lot of time, but I really feel I need to do this... one way or another.

Through the Looking Glass

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with "Alice in Wonderland".  I used to love watching Disney's animated feature of "Alice in Wonderland".  I remember getting so excited in 1985 when there was a live action TV special of "Alice in Wonderland".  We recorded it and I would watch it over and over again.  Except for the part with the Jabberwocky.  The Jabberwocky really scared me.  To be honest the Jabberwocky still scares me.  I remember when I was around 13 years old, I started having a recurring nightmare about the Jabberwocky chasing me all around my grandmother's house.  (Interestingly, that is the age I started wishing I was a girl.  hrmmmm).  I'm not sure what about "Alice in Wonderland" hooked me.  Maybe it was the idea of escape to a wondrous land.  Or the colorful characters.  My favorite character was the Mad Hatter, but I had always wanted to be Alice.  I wanted to be the one having the adventure.  By the time I went to college, "Alice in Wonderland" faded into my past and the nightmares stopped.  It wasn't until Disney released it's latest telling of "Alice in Wonderland" did my obsession start again.  Not sure if obsession is the right word, oh well.  After it's release it seemed like there was an "Alice in Wonderland" frenzy.  The Syfy channel came out with their own interpretation movie and their series Warehouse 13 did an episode relating to Through the Looking Glass.  Jefferson's Airplane "White Rabbit" song became my new favorite song.  I downloaded a copy of the 1985 "Alice in Wonderland" movie, plus a couple others that I had not seen but had to download.  Since then I have had Alice on the brain.  I feel such a connection with it and the characters.  I began referring to my old drug days as "falling down the rabbit hole".  Part of me wonders if my infatuation with "Alice in Wonderland" has a connection with my desire to transition.  Maybe as I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and the more I transition it is like I am stepping through the looking glass to a new life and the nightmares of the Jabberwocky is the fear that is chasing me.  Hmmm.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't know.  Two years for Halloween I dressed up as the Mad Hatter and my wife dressed up like Alice.  I have started thinking about this years Halloween.  If I dress as the Mad Hatter I want to dress as a female Mad Hatter.  Or maybe be the Red Queen and my wife can still be Alice.  She makes such a good Alice.

Dreams, Fears and What Not....

Dreams....
Lately I been having dreams again that I vaguely remember.  Last night I had two.. the first I dreamed that I failed my Real Estate exam again and I got fired because of it.  That scared me as in less than a week I retake the general section of the Real Estate exam.  Then I had another dream where I was turning into a bear.  Really weird.  I don't remember much of it but I do remember I was slowly changing.  I woke up as I was growing bear fur.  I wonder what that dream means.

Fears....
This morning as I was getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror.  I was only wearing a bra and panties.  As I looked in the mirror, a fear came over me.  As I have not started HRT yet, I am still very male.  And my reflection was just of a man wearing a bra and panties.  It was saddening.  I started to worry that even when I start HRT that I will never look feminine.  I'm afraid I will always look as a man in woman's clothes.  I want to be a woman so bad.  I want people to look at me and have no doubt of me being a woman.  I fear that it won't happen.  It has got me in a funk this morning.  Yesterday I watched some YouTube videos of people's transition slide shows.  Showing how they looked before HRT and then the progression of each month on HRT.  A majority looked amazing.  Like you would never tell now that they were ever male.  I want to be like them.  I want to be a pretty woman.  I hate dysphoria.

What Not....
I have been out to a lot of people in the last month or so.  I'm a little disappointed that I really haven't gotten any questions.  I know that many transgender people don't want people asking them questions, but I actually do.  I'm surprised my parents or my sister hasn't asked me anything about being Trans*.  They don't have the links to my blogs so they can't read about what I'm going through.  Maybe they just need time to process it.  Or maybe they are ignoring it.  I don't know.  I welcome the questions.  I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become with myself and being able to express myself.  Granted, writing is so much easier because it gives me more time to think, but I want to be open about everything.  The more open I am, the less I hide.  The less I hide, the more I can be my true self.  On my tumblr blog, it gives people the option to ask questions.  I get none.  I watch others get asked all sorts of questions, me nothing.  I want to talk to people.  I need to talk to people.

Now a happy note....
My new clothes should arrive today.  I hope they fit.  I look forward to the day when I can actually go into a store and try on the clothes I want instead of ordering online and not knowing if they will fit or not.  Also I got my new woman's watch last night.  It's cute.  Much smaller/sleeker, more feminine.  I wore it to work today.  I wonder if anyone will really notice I'm wearing a woman's watch.  Probably not.  Oh well.

Dreams

Yesterday I had a work event where I was unable to smoke all day.  So I put on a patch to get me through the day.  I forgot to take the patch off last night so the dreams started flowing.  It felt like I had about 12 dreams last night.  But only one of them was long and really vivid.  As usual it was weird....

I dreamt I was at my parents house with my wife and my parents were out of town.  For some reason they had a boarder living at their house.  It was a distant family member and his girlfriend.  He was not around but his girlfriend was.  Throughout the whole dream she was naked.  Not sure why.  As the dream progressed she mentioned that she was hearing weird noises at night.  We decided to stay up and investigate.  We discovered a smuggling ring that was using secret passages in the house.  I confronted the leader and she was threatening me, so I tried calling 911.  For some reason, there was a contest that you could win if you were a certain caller to 911.  *Like I said "weird"*

All of a sudden there were a bunch of people at the house setting up staging and lights.  They were very loud making it difficult to talk to the 911 operator to explain the situation.  Finally I got through.  The police arrived and stopped the smuggling ring.  By that time there were a bunch of people at the house having a party.  One of the people at the house was a friend of mine from High School, Kara.  She was depressed because she felt that she would never date anyone and lose her virginity.  I always found it difficult to believe that she had issues dating people because she was so beautiful.  She then told me that she had always admired me and wish we had gotten together.  I tried consoling her and as I did she kept kissing.  It felt so good to kiss her, but I was married.  She pulled me on top of her and she continued to kiss me.  At that point my wife walked in and pulled me aside.  I explained to her that I was trying to stop her and that I was only consoling her because she was depressed about never dating anyone and having not lost her virginity yet.  My wife then told me to fulfill Kara's wish and sleep with her.  I being surprised, went to Kara.  I told her my wife has given me permission to be with her.  At that point she pulled me on top of her again and started kissing me again.  She opened her shirt to expose her breasts.  Then she started to hike up her skirt.  I removed her panties as she unzipped my pants.  As I kissed her breasts, she started stroking my penis.  Then she positioned herself and guided my penis into her vagina.  As soon as I started to insert my penis, my alarm went off...  It felt so real.   I wonder why I dreamt about her.  I have never had a dream about her before.  Hmmmmm.   Oh well. 

Dreams

I had two dreams last night... one scary, one interesting.

The first dream was really short.  I was driving out to some woods crying.  I got out of my car.  Grabbed some rope and climbed a tree.  I put the rope around a limb of the tree and around my neck and I hung myself.  Luckily I woke up.  It was scary... I'm not sure what has caused this dream, why it was so short, and why I would dream of hanging myself... I have never had the urge to hang myself, slit wrists or overdosing on pills.. yes, but never hanging.  Scary.

The second dream, thank goodness, was not depressing or scary.  I dreamt my wife and I were visiting my old boss.  But I was naked though out the dream.  I don't remember many details of it, but it was weird that I was walking around naked though out it.  Hmmm.... maybe I'm feeling vulnerable about something.  I was also searching for something again.  Still don't know what I was looking for.  I really wish I could figure that out.

Dreams Last Night

So it was a rarity that I had a dream last night that I remember.  Usually no nicotine patch, no dreams.  But I had one last night.  It was very weird but again all my dreams are weird.  I was searching for something again.  Not sure what it was.  I was in a high school.  I was with my wife, but she wasn't my wife.  In my dream I was married to my friend Erin.  But we were both girls.  Not surprising.  I remember running up and down the halls searching every locker and class room, not finding whatever it was I was looking for.  Then the dream shifted to us being at a BMX arena.  As we entered there, I woke up because I was sleeping in bed with my wife and she woke me because I was snoring.

I moved to our spare room and went back to sleep.  I actually started dreaming again.  This time it was like a what if dream.  I dreamt that my life took a different course and I dated & married my friend Erin.  She never joined the army.  I never went to work in North Carolina.  It seemed we gave into her families pressure for us to get together and get married.  We had two kids, both girls.  She was very supportive of my desires to be a woman and convinced me to actually go through the change.  My dream skipped a few years and we were very happy together.  I had completed my transformation and was amazingly passable as a woman.  It didn't bother Erin at all.  In fact we were about the same size so it worked for us sharing clothes.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up.  Very interesting.

Not much to say

Quick post today as it has been a busy day.  Being 3 days back as a smoker, my emotional state has leveled out.  I am sleeping good as of last night.  No dreams but restful.  I hope to right more tomorrow.

Maybe the Last 2 Dreams for awhile

We it is official... I have quit quitting smoking.  Without a vice, I was becoming emotionally unstable.  After an argument with my wife, we both decided it would be better if I stopped trying to quit right now and try again later.  The upside is I will hopefully balance myself back out.  The down side is no more vivid dreams.  These were the last dreams I will probably have for a while. 

The first dream centered around a zombie apocalypse.   We were held up in a high school.  There were seven of us in the group held up in the high school.  4 girls (I was one of them) and 3 guys (the monsterman from the new syfy series was one of them).  We were wiring up the school with sensors and electric fences.  We thought the school hadn't been breached.  Unfortunately some of the details had faded since this was dreamt on Saturday night.  I remember running and screaming.  And as we were about to be over run by the zombies I woke up to a noise in the house.

Finally falling asleep again, my dream shifted.  I dreamt I was at some camp.  I was involved in some contest similar to a scavenger hunt.  Most details of this dream are gone except I was a shemale.  I remember being mostly a woman, but I still had my penis and I was trying to keep it concealed.   That's all I remember.  I wish I would have written these down yesterday.  :(

Lasts Nights Dream

So I am said to write that my dream last night was very boring.  Nothing exciting, no body swaps, and I was my normal self.  :(  I dreamt that I was back working for a lighting and sound rental company that I worked at about 7 years ago and I was setting up for a gig.  That's it.  Nothing crazy happened.  I am very disappointed in that dream.  Maybe tonight's dream will be better.  Fingers crossed.

Interesting Dream

Last night I had a dream very similar to the movie "Chances Are".  I dreamt that I had died in a car accident.  When I died, I went to what I think was heaven.  I was moved to a huge white waiting room.  When my name was called I headed to the counter.  The person there told me it wasn't my time to advance yet and I would be going back.  I really wanted to get back and see my wife.  They told me I wouldn't remember anything after they gave me a shot, but I wasn't paying attention.  All I wanted to do was get back.  I was shuffled into a line and told it was time to go.... not wanting to not remember I jumped the line and got sent back without the shot. 

To my surprise I was born a girl.  The memories of my past life soon faded after being born.  I grew up like the average girl.  I lived in California and was really into theatre and costuming.  I decided to go to college at the State of California University.  It was there that I met the man of my dreams.  He was wonderful.  There was something very familiar about him.  He was from Connecticut.  We started dating my sophomore year.  At the end of the spring semester he convinced me to fly back to Connecticut to meet his family.  As we got off the plane I was getting a very deja vu moment.  Like I had been in that airport before, but it was impossible as I had never been to Connecticut.  As we walked out of the airport, his parents were there to pick us up.  As we turned the corner and they were in view, I got a rush of memories.  I was starting to remember my past life and who I was.  I tried to compose myself and pass it off as being weary from the long flight.  But things got worse.

As we drove and his parents talked I couldn't get over the feeling that I knew them.  As we pulled up to their yellow house that sat atop a slight hill, I got more flashes of memories.  As I had been there before many years ago.  A dog greeted us as we went to the back of the house around the hot tub.  I got more flashes.  Somehow I mentioned to my boyfriend that I was having major deja vue.  I asked him if he ever had a dog named Beisley.  He was shocked.  He asked how I knew that.  He hadn't mentioned Beisley to me before.  I said somehow I just knew.  We walked in the house and I was getting more odd feelings.  I could picture myself there before.  Making cookies, parties, and other random events.  I walked over to their fridge and they had a picture of man on there that took my breathe away.  I suddenly realized that I was looking at an image of myself from my last life.  As that realization popped into my head, my alarm went off and I woke up. 

Ugh. 

Why do I always wake up just as the dreams start getting real good.  This would be a good one to continue if I could re-dream dreams.

New Dreams

The dreams are starting again.  Last night was a little weird, of course which ones aren't.  I dreamt I was a waitress at some hoity-toity party.  I was serving some expensive Cognac.  We ran out and I had to go get another bottle from the basement.  As I walked down to the basement, it turned into a library.  I kept searching for a bottle, then there was a fire and I was searching for a way out.  Everyone was panicking.  I couldn't find a way out.  Then my first alarm woke me up.  I hope I remember more of my dreams as the nights go on.

Quitting Again

I am attempting to quit smoking again.  As of yesterday, I have started Step 1 of the patch again.  I must of had about 20 dreams last night.  Everything was splintered due to the first night on the patch causes me to toss and turn so I woke up every time I tossed.  But soon I will be able sleep the night and begin the vivid dreams again.  I look forward to writing about them.  I learn so much from them.  It's also fun to see who I'll be and where I'll be.  Stay tuned for some more dreams.......

Dreams of Being Other People

So I vaguely remember my dream last night.  A group of friends are heading out on a road trip this weekend.  I dreamt I was one of the girls that was going.  She is the youngest of the group and really cute.  I'm almost always jealous of her outfits.  In the dream I was her packing for the trip.  Unfortunately I don't remember the rest of the dream.  I wish I did.

This brings up something interesting.  As I have said in past posts, I have been dreaming more and more of that I am a woman.  I hardly ever dream that I'm a man anymore.  But what's interesting is which woman I am.  I have had many dreams where I am either my friend or her sister, now I'm had a dream of being another friend.  I wish I knew what it meant.  Why am I dreaming of being these women instead of being my own woman?  For one female friend, I like to think the reason I have become her in my dreams is because I respect her so much.  She is the one who convinced me to start writing.  She is the one who is encouraging me to be myself.  She accepts me for who I am.  She is an amazing person and an amazing mother.  She is the type of woman I would want to be if I were a woman.  So maybe that is why I become her in my dreams. 

Becoming her sister is maybe a way to show how close I want to be with her.  I want to be considered her sister in real life instead of her non biological brother.  So my dreams could have manifested that.  As for becoming the other friend.... that was a first.  No idea.   Oh well....

Quitting

For the past few months I have been attempting to quit smoking.  Thanks to Step 1 of the patch, I had some really weird vivid dreams.  After going to Step 2 of the patch, the dreams were not as vivid and not easy to remember.  Four days ago I ran out of patches and haven't had the time to go to Target to pick up more.  This has an upside and a downside.  The downside is I have started smoking again.  Only about 4 - 6 a day, which isn't back up to the pack I was smoking.  The upside is this weekend I'm going to restart the patch system, so back up to Step 1 I go.  I look forward to having the weird vivid dreams again. 

I also look forward to hopefully being done with smoking.  I have been a smoker for 15 years and have tried to quit about 4 times.  The last time I quit it was for over a year.  Unfortunately the job I was at got very stressful and I started smoking again.  Now that I have been at a new job for over a year, I think it's time to quit again.  I hope I make this time.  :)

More Dreams

On March 19th....

I understand that dreams reflect one's inner self, sometimes one's wants and desires.  But somethings are just getting over powering.  Last night I had another dream where I became a woman.  Since I'm writing so late in the day, the details are fading.  But I remember my desire to be a woman and to be considered a friend's sister.  Then in my dream I was her sister.  Instead of just becoming a woman and being referred to as like a sister, I actually became her sister.  That's all I really remember.  The rest of the dream is a blur.  I need to remember to write in the morning.  :)

Sunday Night's Dream

On March 18th....

Sunday night I was sick.  Still sick, but while I tried to sleep last night, I had body aches and I had a fever. Somehow those worked their way into my dreams.

I dreamt that two of my female friends and I were shopping in an antique store.  We stumble upon this odd looking fairy candle stick holder.  There was some weird writing on the base, that did not look familiar. Knowing that I loved fairies, they both convinced me to get it.  The store owner smiled as he sold it to me, but warned me to be careful when I used it.  It had the power to make my dreams come true.  We all laughed and went home.

That night I couldn't help think of what the store owner said.  So to test it out, I put a candle in the holder and lit it.  As I watched the flame dance I made the wish that I have wished for over 20 years.  I wished I could become a beautiful woman.  I sat their watching the flame flicker, but nothing happened.  I blew out the candle and went to sleep.  As I slept, I could feel my body changing.  My body ached and my body was getting real hot.  I tossed and turned.  I was in agony.  Then my fever broke and the aches subsided.  I awoke.  I looked down to see breasts on my chest.  I reached between my legs to no longer feeling a penis, but instead found warm moist folds of a vagina.  I was a woman.   I walked over to a mirror and as I was about to look upon my new body, I woke up.

Still sick.  Damn.

Same Dream Different Surroundings

On March 18th I had a similar dream but it had different surroundings....

Saturday night, I had the car accident dream again.  The one where my body is so mangled that my only chance of survival is a brain transplant into a woman's body.  But this time, my wife was not there and I wasn't rushed to a normal hospital.  Instead at the scene of the accident, I was loaded into what looked like an ambulance, but we did not go to a hospital.  Instead I was brought to some underground installation.  A doctor came in and told me I was the perfect candidate for a new experiment and that I had no choice but to participate.  The doctor told me they were going to put my brain into a body of a woman's who was brain dead.  I don't remember anymore of the dream.

Weird Dream

On March 12th I had another weird dream....

I dreamt that my wife and I went over to Liz's to roll one night.  She said she had gotten some new stuff that would change our lives.  She said it's like a candy flip but more real feeling.  Since I'm always willing to try something new and really needed to let go, I was all for it and my wife & Liz's husband were amazingly easy to convince.  We each popped our pills and then sat and waited for the effects to kick in.

After about 45 minutes, things started to get interesting.  As normal, we all started feeling tingly and had eye flutters.  Then we started seeing stuff, like the invisible bugs that Liz's dog tries to eat.  After about 15 minutes, we started getting all touchy feely and started talking very openly.  I had opened up more about wanting to be a woman and how I wish I could be experiencing this as a woman.  Jen mentioned that if I get to be a woman then she gets to be a man.  Then Liz joked that her husband Joe couldn't survive as a woman and he poked back that Liz that she couldn't handle being a guy.  As we all went back and forth, still all touchy feely, the room started to spin and we all were getting light headed and our vision was blurring.

We started feeling very funny.  We thought we were getting sick, but boy were we wrong.  We then noticed that each of us were starting to change.  Joe's and my hair were getting longer and our faces were getting smoother.  Both my wife's and Liz's hair got shorter and their voices were getting deeper.  We were starting to really freak out.  Joe & I were changing into girls and Liz & my wife were turning into guys.  After about 20 minutes the transformations were complete and we were still feeling the candy flipping effects.  So not only were we now opposite sexes we were still rolling and tripping.  This was leading into an interesting night.

Joe couldn't keep his hands off his new body.   He just stood in front of a mirror touching himself.  Liz was having fun peeing while standing up.  My wife loved feeling so strong.  Me, well I was in heaven.  This is what I've always wanted.  My female body was luckily about Liz's old body size, so I went up and raided her closet.  Finally being able to wear clothes that were designed for my new body.  It was interesting how all of us changed.  It wasn't like we turned into the opposite sex of ourselves, ie I didn't look the the genetic female of myself.  We all looked like new people, but we each had perfect fit bodies.  Which then posed another interesting situation: since the drug we were on had similar effects to E, we were all super horny, no matter what body we had.  Also our inhibitions were almost none existent.  We all decided to go skinny dip in the hot tub together so we could admire and explore our new bodies.  We had a difficult time telling who used to who since we were so high, but we didn't care.  It became an orgy in the hot tub.  Everyone was touching and kissing each other.  It didn't matter if it was Joe kissing Liz or Joe kissing me or Liz kissing my wife.  Gender didn't matter.  Guy on guy or girl on girl or girl on guy.  Everything thing was allowed.  Both Liz and my wife in their new bodies were each giving Joe and I lessons on giving head.  As we got hotter, we moved our escapades inside to the bed room.  We each took turns sleeping with each other.  At some point we all finally passed out.

When we woke in the morning we were all shocked to find out we were still in our new bodies.  Panicking Liz called the guy she got the stuff from.  He said "oh, did I forget to mention be careful what you wish for when you are on this stuff and never have sex or any changes that had occurred would be permanent.  Liz let out a loud "FUCK".  There was no reversing this.  We were stuck.  The plus side is reality re aligned itself to as if we had always been in these bodies.  We did try doing the drug again to see if it would change us back, but it only gave us the normal drug effects, no body changing, wish granting.  I guess we just have to get used to our new reality.

A month after the change, both Joe and I discovered we were pregnant.  At that point I woke up.

This is the first dream I've actually been able to remember in detail since I changed to step 2 on the patch.  This is also the second dream I've had about becoming pregnant.  Interesting.

Another Interesting Dream

 On February 22nd I had another interesting dream.....

So last nights dream was interesting and was based on a conversation that a friend and I had earlier this week.  However it did not play out as I had thought.  Background: My friend {call her Liz} and I were talking how we should get another friend (who is very inventive) {call him Cole} to invent a hormone shield for her and a sex change machine for me.

In the dream, we spoke with Cole about what we wanted him to try to invent.  He understood what Liz wanted and was shocked to my coming out to him, but said he would give it a shot.  It seemed like months had passed, then Cole invited Liz and I over to his house to unveil his inventions.  To our amazement, he invented nano bots that he would inject into our blood stream.  He said Liz's bots would create a force field that would protect her from other female's hormones so her cycle would be normal.  Then he said that my bots would slowly change my genes from male to female and that he programmed them to change me into my ideal female body.  He mentioned that we would not notice the effects of the bots for about a month as that is how long it would take for the bots to spread to our whole bodies.  After the month, Liz's would turn on as she was nearing her normal cycle and turn off once her period was done.  Mine would permanently stay on to keep my new form. Now was the waiting period.

A month went by and both Liz and I were eagerly waiting for the effects to happen.  About a week after the month was up, Liz and I went to bed like our usually selves.  When we woke up, we were in for the surprise of our lives.  I woke up all disorientated.  I heard her daughter's voice.  In my head I'm like WTF, how did I get to Liz's?  Then her daughter jumped on the bed and was looking at me saying "Wake up Mommy".  OMG.  What happened?  I quickly ran to the bathroom.  I looked in the mirror and I saw Liz's face looking back at me.  How did this happen?  I heard a phone ringing and realized it was Liz's phone ringing.  I grabbed it and saw my cell number, I answered.  It was my voice I was hearing.  Liz was in my body.  This is totally weird.  As we panicly talked we came up with the only thing that could have caused this..... Cole's bots.  Liz (in my body) said she would come right over once she convinced my wife of what happened.  Thank god it was a Sunday.

I felt so weird in Liz's body.  I was afraid to touch or look at myself as I respected Liz and didn't want to seem like I'd taken advantage of the situation.  I found some clothes to put on and headed downstairs.  Luckily her husband got their daughter dressed and wasn't home.  Maybe he went bowling?  I was passing back and forth waiting for Liz and my wife to get here.  Crap, I had to pee.  This was going to be interesting.  I actually managed.  Not too bad for the first day in a woman's body.  Finally Liz and my wife showed up.  We had to call Cole and have him fix this.  We went over to his place together.  It was so weird seeing my body from another person's view.

As Cole opened the door, he had a shit eating grin on his face and started laughing.  He calmed us down and said he was sorry, but he couldn't resist playing this joke on us.  He continued to apologize.  Finally he said he would fix it to the way it was supposed to work.  All he had to do was shut down the bots and upload the right programming.  He mentioned that the program that was running would activate every month on Liz's cycle.  Swap our bodies and then return us to normal after the cycle.  He thought we would have fun.  Liz could enjoy not having a period since she'd be a guy and I could enjoy being a woman.  He thought it was perfect.  We did not agree.

Cole started the process of shutting down the bots and uploading the correct program, then he uttered what you never want to hear "Crap".  The bots were not responding.  He couldn't shut them down.  We were stuck with the program he originally put in.  Good news it only runs for about 5 days a month.  Bad news is we have to pretend we are each other for 5 days a month.  At least until he can figure out how to fix it.

We went back to Liz's house and her husband was home.  We all sat down to discuss the situation.  Since there was nothing we could really do about our situation until Cole found a solution, we decided to make the best of it.  Luckily the swap only happens at night so no worries about swapping at work.  Liz and I agreed that we each could explore our new bodies so we could get used to them.  Since we both trusted each other, neither of us were worried.  We spent the rest of the day going over our daily routines at work so we could pass as each other.  Thank god for messenger so we could keep in contact so we could answer each others questions.  Since my job was a little easier and Liz's was harder, we decided to let my sister know the situation so she could help out.  The question of sex was brought up by my wife.  She wanted to know how we were going to work that.  After a long discussion, we felt we might as well see what it's like on the other side.  So if the situation arose, we could act on it.  Before we knew it the day was over and we had to get to bed to be ready for what the next day brought.  Waking up the next morning was a little easier.  Not as much shock.  But I was so nervous about taking a shower.  I'm sure Liz was too with my body.  I went into the bathroom and turned on the water.  Might as well get this over with.  I slowly undressed.  I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my life.  At first my eyes were closed, but I slowly opened them.  It was so weird looking down at my body and seeing a woman's body.  I got into the shower and it felt so amazing.  I wondered how Liz felt showering in my body.  Just as I was about to wash myself.... my alarm went off.

Again the dream felt so real.  It seemed to last longer than others, but that maybe because I cheated and had a smoke last night so I had more nicotine in my system.  Well, it will be interesting to see what tonight will bring.  If I ever feel motivated I should take some of the more vivid dreams and turn them into short stories (changing the names of course).  I also look forward to someday re-reading these just to see what I can learn from them.  :)

Very Very Disturbing Dream

On February 20th I had a very disturbing dream......

So besides the weird dreams that involve packing, I did have a very disturbing second dream last night.  I dreamt that I had gotten so fed up with my penis and getting erections that I actually grabbed a knife and cut it off.  The dream felt scarily real.  It started with me waking up in the morning having an erection (ie morning wood).  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I hated it. 

So I walked downstairs and went into the kitchen.  I grabbed a knife and just sliced my penis off.  I could actually feel how much pain it caused.  In my dream I screamed out in pain and started to pass out from the blood loss.  Before completely passing out I made sure to disfigure my now dis-attached penis so it could not be re-attached.  I heard my wife running down the stairs and as she reached the kitchen, she saw what I did.  Before she could scream, my alarm went off. 

I don't think I have ever had a dream this disturbing.  I would never actually do this to myself.  Maybe the more I open up about wanting to be a woman the more I destroy my self image as a man.  For 99% of my dreams I have been a woman, so maybe this was a way to put an end to the 1% when I'm either myself or a man.  I know I'm not ready to make the step to coming out and going through the gender change process, but this could also be a way of my mind preparing itself for if that day ever arrives.

I feel I am learning so much about myself right now with having the vivid dreams due to wearing the nicotine patch.  I almost don't want to ever step down to step 2 so I don't loose the dreams.  But I know soon I will have too.  :(