Very Very Disturbing Dream

On February 20th I had a very disturbing dream......

So besides the weird dreams that involve packing, I did have a very disturbing second dream last night.  I dreamt that I had gotten so fed up with my penis and getting erections that I actually grabbed a knife and cut it off.  The dream felt scarily real.  It started with me waking up in the morning having an erection (ie morning wood).  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I hated it. 

So I walked downstairs and went into the kitchen.  I grabbed a knife and just sliced my penis off.  I could actually feel how much pain it caused.  In my dream I screamed out in pain and started to pass out from the blood loss.  Before completely passing out I made sure to disfigure my now dis-attached penis so it could not be re-attached.  I heard my wife running down the stairs and as she reached the kitchen, she saw what I did.  Before she could scream, my alarm went off. 

I don't think I have ever had a dream this disturbing.  I would never actually do this to myself.  Maybe the more I open up about wanting to be a woman the more I destroy my self image as a man.  For 99% of my dreams I have been a woman, so maybe this was a way to put an end to the 1% when I'm either myself or a man.  I know I'm not ready to make the step to coming out and going through the gender change process, but this could also be a way of my mind preparing itself for if that day ever arrives.

I feel I am learning so much about myself right now with having the vivid dreams due to wearing the nicotine patch.  I almost don't want to ever step down to step 2 so I don't loose the dreams.  But I know soon I will have too.  :(