New Changes in Me

As I have been opening up about me wanting to be female, I have noticed some changes in me.  First of all I no longer hate myself.  I don't feel guilty for my feelings.  I am more accepting of who I am.  I'm a little more comfortable with who I am.  I'm not used to feeling this way about my self.  Not as much shame in me.  This of course is thanks to Hope.  Having someone to open up my soul to is an amazing feeling.  I don't feel weighed down by the chains of society when I talk to her.  I feel like I can talk to her about anything without judgement just love and acceptance.

Another change I've noticed is my dreams.  Before every now and then I would have a dream about being a woman, but it wasn't often.  The more I open up the more I'm a woman in my dreams.  Is my self image changing?  Am I no longer ashamed of who I am so my subconscious is more accepting of me perception of myself as a woman?

One interesting thing I've noticed is sometimes when I glance by a mirror I see a quick glimpse of me being a woman.  Is that also my self image changing causing my mind to play tricks on me?

I'm starting to believe in mind over matter.  It seems the more and more I want to be a woman the smaller a certain part of me gets when it's in the rest state.  Maybe in a few years it will be gone, who knows.  Or I'm just imagining it.

Another change just arose yesterday.  I'm going to be taking photos of a friends bare back for a tattoo design.  A typical guy would be like "woo hoo, I might get to see more of her" and be aroused.  I'm just like ok, taking photo for a friend.  No big whoop.  No arousal what so ever.  No tingling, nothing.  I guess I've become more like a woman that is not attracted to woman.  I bet anything if it was a guy friend, I'd be aroused.  WTF.  Sometimes I wish I were normal, but there is no normal so I don't know.

Am I loosing myself or finding myself?  Part of me is scared because I don't know what else will change.  I'm afraid that with loosing my sexuality towards women, I won't be able to please my wife anymore.  Parts of me are happy that I'm mentally becoming more and more female.  But there are parts of me that liked looking at a woman's body and being aroused.  But more and more, nothing.  I should be all tingly when reading some of a friend's responses to my questions about women but again nothing.  At least non of my friends husbands have anything to worry about with me hanging out with their wives.  Nothing would happen cuz I don't feel or think about them anymore in a sexual manner.  I just want to hang out, talk, and be one of the girls.  And that's what I'm becoming.  I want to learn what I can about being a girl.  Maybe my mind and body are prepping themselves.  Maybe someday I will go through the change.  I still have those societal fears of acceptance and rejection.  I still love my wife with all my heart.  I never want to loose her.  I want to always be attracted to her.  I don't want to loose that.  Please I can't loose that.  Ugh.