A New Beginning

Sometimes you just need to wake up.  You need to be see from an outside perspective of who you have become.  You may not see it or allow yourself to see it.   I didn’t realize how I have spiraled.  I have let the negativity at my work consume me.  And I didn’t do anything to stop it.  I shut down and became complaisant.  I let the depression seep back in and was becoming who I was and lost who I was finally supposed to be.  I have become one who whines and bitches about situations without taking action.  I cared only about avoiding confrontation.  I became a “Whoa is me” person.  I let myself fall without a care.  But no more. My life will not fix itself.  There is no magic button that will fix anything.  I want to be that happy energetic full of life woman I was becoming.  

I hate my job.  I’ve made that clear, but I wasn’t doing anything to make it better.  I just hoped an amazing job would fall in my lap.  That’s not going to happen.  I have to work for it.  So this morning I applied for a couple of jobs and setup accounts on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com.  Every day I will apply to at least 2 or three jobs.  I will make this happen.

I bitch about being broke.  It’s by no one’s fault but my own.  My wife and I make great money.  But we allowed ourselves to live way beyond our means.  We racked up credit card debt without a care.  We took expensive trips to Disney. I always said sure, no problem, just put it on the card.  If we ran out of room on a card, we’d apply for another one.  We have racked up to $87,000 in debt.  That’s almost one full year of both our salaries combined.  We were stupid and irresponsible.  Now we are paying the price.  We are in a debt management program, but still barely seeing the light.  We are no discussing bankruptcy.  Like I said, we make great money but didn’t manage it wisely and it hurt us.  But I plan to work hard and get us out of this.  One way or another.

I’ve lost who I am.  I started this blog as an outlet to write.  To get things off my chest.  To share my journey of transition.  I’ve become a person that just writes two lines bitching about something and never doing anything to fix it.  I’m going to get myself back on track.  No more “Whoa is Me”.  I will share my successes instead of dwelling on failures.  Everyone fails every now and then. I plan to suck it up and fix my life.

I am also going to try to look at the positive of every situation instead of dwelling on the negative.  I get misgendered, but I’m not out full time.  That is my own fault.  If I want to be seen as a woman, I need to show them a woman.  Not just hope it happens.  I bitch about my parents always calling me son and he.  But they have tried.  I need to focus on that.  They have called me daughter from time to time and have called me Bibi.  I know it’s hard as they spent 34 years with a son and now have a daughter.  I need to give them more time and also talk to them.  Not just expect them to know what is going on without explanation.  

Today I am taking the steps to get back on the right path.  To where I’m supposed to be.  And if I falter.   Which I may, I hope I will receive another wake up call until it sinks in my thick skull.  

Today is a new day.  

Today I take back my life.

Becoming Bibi

After 21 months of blogging, today I decided to change the name of my blog.    ”Who Am I” no longer seems to fit.  I know who I am.  I know who I have always been.  It may have taken me a bit to realize it, but I know now.  

My name is Bibi and I’m a transgender woman.

The 12th Month

Today marks my 12th month on hormones.  I still can't believe how fast the time went by.  Tomorrow I have my quarterly Endo appointment.  I also had to get blood drawn to check levels.  Hoping everything looks ok.  Even with how fast time has been flying the changes have been slow.  I wish I was read as more female than male.  I may ask my Endo about progesterone.  I have had considerable breast growth.  I'm up to a B cup now.  And my butt is a bit rounder and plumper.  I have also become a bit more comfortable in my skin.  I've pretty much stopped hiding who I am except at work.  Even though I'm not out to my whole family, I started wearing nail polish on weekends and they haven't said anything if I see them.  I am so much happier now.  And I've become more out going.  I guess not hiding anymore is a big help.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for me.  Hopefully I get lose the weight I've gained from being on hormones.  I want to see curves.  I will post tomorrow on what happens at my Endo appointment.

Family

I have seen so many posts from people that have lost their family or risk losing their family for transitioning.  It makes me so sad and angry.  Family is supposed to be there for you.  No matter what. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally.  Families should care more about the members of their family that what other people will think.  They shouldn't let their fear of the unknown turn to hate.  No one should be kicked out of their homes, lose their parents, or lose their children.  No one should lose their jobs or their house for wanting to be themselves.  I wish I could take everyone in and show them what love truly is and what family is supposed to be like.  No one should be hurt for wanting to be themselves.  Embrace us, don't push us away.   Families think they failed us for us being who we are. But families are failing us by pushing us away and hating us.  I have been lucky to have a mostly accepting family.  Why can't other families be accepting?  The world needs to change.  It needs to stop living in fear and start living in love.

11 Months

Time seems to be flying.  I can not believe I have been on hormones for 11 months.  Not much has changed physically recently.  I did discover that moving my estrogen patch to a new location, may have not been an all to great idea.  It had it's pluses, certain body parts started working more efficiently again.  Unfortunately I think that was due to not getting as much estrogen in my system.  I think the less estrogen caused my increased facial hair growth and mood swings.  This morning I moved the patch back to the old position.  I'm going to try to keep putting it in the old position for a while.  Hopefully I can get back on track.  I've already noticed that I'm leveling back out, for the most part.  A little more emotional.

As for other happenings, most of my friends are using female pronouns more often.  Occasionally they slip, but it's at least they are trying.  Also they are calling me Bibi, more than my birth name.  Even though I'm not changing my birth name, as it can be used for both genders, I like being called Bibi more.

Not much else has been going on.

Dear Parents and Sister,

I know you said you love, support, and accept me when I came out to you.  But saying and doing are two completely different things.  Don’t act like I’m doing this to hurt you.  This was not a choice.  It’s either have me as a daughter or have a dead son.  Don’t tell me how difficult it will be for you when others know about me.  And don’t tell me how hard it will be for you when I come out to the rest of the family.  Do you not realize how hard this is for me?  Don’t add by reaffirming my maleness.  Please stop saying “You will always be my son.”  Please stop saying every chance you get, “son”, “brother”, “young man”.  Do you realize that is like stabbing me in the heart?  I am now your daughter.  I am alive, I am happy, I am who I was supposed to be.  Can’t you be happy for me?  Can’t you accept that?  I should not have to hide who I am around you and the rest of the family.  If they can’t accept me, then what kind of family are we?  I have another family that has accepted me with open arms.  If you are not careful, you will not only have lost a “son”, but a daughter.  I don’t need that toxic environment in my life.  For one of the first times in my life, I am truly happy.  I am no longer in pain.  I no longer sit awake at night thinking of ways to kill myself.  I love who I am.  I love the woman I’m becoming.  I wish you could love me as your daughter.

Halloween 2013

Amazing what a difference a year makes. Last night was one of my best friend’s Halloween / birthday party. Last year I dressed as the Queen of Hearts. I was so nervous and needed help with my hair and makeup. I was scared of what people would think.  I remember bringing my costume to the party to change into.  I got ready in the 2nd bathroom.  Anxiously waiting for the friend to show up to do my hair and then waiting to have another friend do my makeup.  I was shaking most of the time.  Once I was dressed and done up, it took another 15 minutes for me to get my nerve up to walk out for other people to see me.

This year I went as Vanellope from Wreck it Ralph. I did my own makeup and hair. I was able to put my makeup on in one shot.  No washing off and starting again.  I knew what I wanted to do with my hair and got it to look the way I wanted first try.  I was so proud of myself.  As we were getting ready to head out the door, I had no nerves.  I was comfortable being me and I had no fear in letting people see that.  I didn't think twice of walking in, all dressed up.   I was so so comfortable.  The night was amazing.  I got many compliments on my costume.  No negativity.  It was great.  And more feminine pronouns being used.  My friends have been great adapting to the new me.  I'm just one of the girls now.

I love the changes I have gone through this past year. I love finally being able to be myself.

Here is a picture of me... 

National Coming Out Day

October 11th, 2013 was national coming out day.  After a long internal debate, I decided to expand the circle of people I'm out to.  It took me about 3 weeks to think of what to write, and then 4 rewrites on the day to create the Facebook post that I made to out myself.  I am now out to 95% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook.  The only people left are some family that I'm going to tell in person after the holidays.  I was so scared writing the post.  Even though I've had nothing but positive comments and support from everyone else I have come out to, this time could have been different.  But I was in awe at the responses. It was all positive.  Everyone was so supportive.  I was taken back by all the love and support.  It felt so good. I still partially on cloud 9 and it's been over a week.  With that hurdle, I decided to also come out to a couple family members on FB messenger and also email one of my aunts.  Again, nothing but love and support.  I can't get over it.  Such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  People love and accept me for who I am. It still brings me to tears thinking about it.

10 Months

Today marks 10 months on hormones.  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by.  I am happy with the progress I'm making.  I do get a bit discouraged sometimes though.  I see so many woman post before and after pictures at less time than I've been on hormones and they have progressed so much further.  But even with being a bit discouraged, I'm happy with how slow it's going.  It definitely makes it easy at work.  Still haven't had to worry about coming out yet.  I know I have changed a lot in the past 10 months.  I am getting read more as female.  I would say I get read female 30% of the time.  That's better than nothing.  I have such a hard time seeing the results though.  And I hate hate hate how I look when my picture is taken so I still haven't taken any pictures of my progress.  As for other physical changes, my boobs are sitting at just about a "B" cup.  Getting harder to hide them.  Hair growth is still sporadic.  Sometimes I feel like I can go a day without shaving and others I feel like I need to shave twice a day.  Weird.  Other body hair has slowed in growing.  I don't have to shave my chest as much or my arms.  

The biggest change in my has been psychological.  I am more comfortable being my "authentic self" (as my therapist puts it).  I'm more talkative, outgoing, and happy.  I have really broken out of my shell.  It's scary but I like it.  

I'm so glad I finally gathered the courage to transition.  Can't wait to see what happens next month. 

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 30

30) Write a haiku about being trans:

I was scared of this one.  Not sure if I got it right or not but here goes:

The testosterone leaves the body
Estrogen swirls about
I am woman

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 27, 28, 29

27) What goals do you have?

My goals are to be comfortable in my body and be accepted for who I am.  I am starting to get closer to both goals.

28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it?

Hmmm.... I guess I would have to say right now it's wearing a bra everyday.  If I don't wear one, I feel off and uncomfortable.  Even in boy mode I still wear a bra.  Not one that accents my breasts, but just supports them.

29) Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy.

I'm going to use my nickname as I am slowly getting people to use that instead of my given name.

Beautiful
Inteligent
Bohemian
Interesting

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 26

26) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you?

I do feel comfortable answering questions about being trans from anyone.  Especially from people I know.  I feel that the more open and honest we are, the more informed they will become.  I don't get offended with the questions.  Many do not understand what we go through or what it truly means to be trans.  I have an open invitation to a group of friends on Google+ to ask any question they want, no matter how personal.  It has brought a lot of us closer.  I even share with them progress updates, like breasts aching, mood swings, any body changes, etc.  It's funny with the women, they sort of chuckle and say "Welcome to being a Woman."  They have all been uber supportive.  They offer advice from a woman's point of view.  All have offered to go shopping with me whenever I'm ready.  The more open I am and eager to answer questions, the more educated they are in what's going on.  And if this understanding can spread, there will be less ignorance and their shared knowledge could lead to less discrimination in the world.  People fear the unknown.  That ignorance fuels their fear and they let that fear turn to hate.  If we can remove that ignorance, that fuel, we can remove their fear, thus remove their hate.  At least in a perfect world.  But as we gain public understanding and support, I really think that we will be more accepted.  Will there always be hate, unfortunately yes.  But we can lessen those voices. Look how far we have come with marriage equality.  More people support it than those that oppose it.  Many have learned it is not a choice, but who they were from birth.  And I hope the world will realize that transgender people did not chose to be transgender.  Who would chose to go through what we all endure?  Through knowledge and answering questions, they will learn this was not a choice, and maybe just maybe be treated as equals and not a lessor class.  Now I'm not saying it is ok for a person to directly ask about genitals or other personal info without first asking permission.  The people wanting to know, need to have manners and ask permission to ask a personal question and need to do so privately.  But they need to be informed on the correct way to ask questions.  So if they go direct without permission, just tell them how they asked was inappropriate.  Tell them that they must ask permission to ask such questions.  Just like anyone asks another person.  Remind them that they don't randomly go up to woman and ask to see her genitals.  With knowledge comes understanding and with understanding comes support.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 25

25) Doctor visits?

Doctor visits started off scary.  Especially when I started hormones.  I was so afraid when they asked what meds I was on to mention estrogen and spiro.  But I am becoming more comfortable telling doctors that I'm transgender and currently on hormones.  The only doctor I haven't told and haven't visited since starting hormones is my cardiologist.  I'm not sure how to tell her since she has treated me since the day I was born.  And her echo technician is fairly discriminatory (which I have complained about).  But I do need to see a cardiologist regularly so I guess I need to come out to her soon.  Other than that I'm becoming a bit more confident coming out and being upfront.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 24

24) Who is your favorite LGBT actor/musician/director/artist etc and why?

I don't have just one favorite and for the why they are my favorite.... I just like everything about them.  They are great in their craft and I enjoy watching / listening to them.  In no particular order:

• Ian McKellen
• Neil Patrick Harris
• Jim Parsons
• Freddie Mercury
• Nathan Lane
• George Takei
• John Barrowman
• Zachary Quinto
• Ellen DeGeneres
• Anne Heche
• Lana Wachowski
• Laverne Cox
• And many more.  Just too many great LGBT actors/actresses/musicians/directors/artists etc.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 23

23) What stereotypes are put on trans people?

I've been thinking about this one and have been having a hard time getting my thoughts out correctly on this.  So I found this on Yahoo answers that seems to get some of the stereotypes:

1) Almost everyone seems to believe that transsexuals are gay pre-transition. That is, if a man announces that he wants to become a woman and will be transitioning, everyone assumes that he is attracted to men (and same for women who do so). It used to be impossible for straight (pre-transition) people to get sex changes; Lou Sullivan (a gay transman) fought very hard to change that, and won. In reality, there are roughly equal numbers of gay transsexuals (those who are gay post-transition) and those who were gay but, after transitioning, lead heterosexual lives. 

2) Nearly everyone, including some transsexuals, believe that you must adhere completely to gender binary stereotypes if you have a sex change. That is, if a man transitions to a woman, the new she is expected to be feminine to the nines; after all, what's the point of spending all that money unless you're going to really "be" a woman (or vice-versa, a man)? But the fact of the matter is that there are trans individuals who encompass a wide gender range; not too long ago, I remember reading a blog or some-other by a transsexual woman who was agonizing over the flak she got for being a butch woman, since everyone assumes if you're chopping off your penis, you should "look like a woman, too" (whatever that means; women come in all shapes and sizes). 

3) A lot of people seem to think that female-to-male transsexuals are "trying to get 'male privilege'" by transitioning. They are accused of 'taking the easy way out' and becoming men rather than challenging our gendered world and making it possible for women to have more power. I've heard people say that they are anti-feminist for this, and a lot of them get generally spat upon by people who see them as betraying their sex. In reality, of course, nobody is doing that at all; the brand of being a transsexual (not to mention the massive cost, both monetarily and physically, pyschologically, and emotionally) is far worse than being a woman in today's society. 

4) Similarly to #3, people seem to think that transsexuals aren't allowing themselves to be who they are. They seem to think that they are perpetuating the gender binary by wanting to transition their sex. For example, someone might think that a transwoman is a disgrace to the genderqueer cause, because rather than stay in a male body and help people understand that feminine males are possible, she cowardly switched over to look like a 'natural woman' so that she wouldn't get any flak for being different. This is, of course, completely untrue- there is lots of research out there showing that there are possible brain differences in transsexuals, and moreover, your sex/gender has more to do than with just how others treat you; it's also about how you feel in your body (and you'd be surprised at how much a difference male and female hormones can make someone feel; read a transsexual memoir and you'll understand). 

5) People assume that it's a choice, and not an actual disease (gender dysphoria), or if they think it's a disease, it's in a "they're sick" way, versus having an actual clinical, perfectly normal condition. Moreover, lots of lay people seem to think that the way to deal with this is not to change the body, but, since there is a mind-body discord, to change the mind instead. Of course, in reality, there is no (proven) way to change the sex of someone's mind; our brains are immensely complex, full of interactions between genetics, biology, personality, past experiences, formative childhoods, our feelings, our fears . . . the list goes on. You can't just go in there and say "Here, you're a man."; therapy is not going to work like that. 

6) People seem to think that transsexuals just decide on a whim to do what they want; few know that they have to go through tons of gender therapy to get permission to get hormones and to have surgery OK'd, and have to live as that gender for a year or longer. It's rigorous, and the people who transition are dedicated. 

7) That their bodies don't function correctly. I don't know how many questions I've answered on here from people wanting to know if transsexuals can orgasm. If surgery is done right, with a skilled professional, then transsexuals of both sexes can have ultimately wonderful, fulfilling sex lives and do so. 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070212220254AAAidK9

30 Day Trans Challenge - Days 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

17) What's your binding choice and why?

I don't bind.  I do plan on possibly binding my breasts as they grow bigger to hide from work until I'm out.  As for tucking, I rarely do that as I tend to be small at rest.  And with the hormones shrinking the testies, I don't tend to show a bulge.  However on rare occasions I do tape, just to get the feeling of nothing hanging between my legs.

18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live?

The trans laws are great where I live.  I live in Connecticut and we have some of the best trans laws.  Gender Identity was added to the Anti-Discrimination laws a couple of years ago.  I still fear losing my job though if I come out as transgender.  Even though they can't fire me for being transgender, they could always find other ways to fire me and I couldn't really afford to fight it.  I hope to someday get a job at my wife's company where they are very trans friendly.

19) If your religious how do your views effect being trans if your not religious what about your family religions?

Religion doesn't really effect my views of being trans.  I tend to believe that no one should judge and love thy neighbor.  However, my grandmother and great aunt are very religious and old school.  I am not out to them as I don't think they would be very accepting.  They are also ultra conservative and believe everything they hear on Fox News (whom isn't very trans friendly in reporting).  

20) Do you want to be a parent why or why not?

Right now I'm a proud parent of three wonderful cats.  My wife and I are happy with that at the moment. We briefly thought about having a baby, but then we discovered that she couldn't have kids.  We may adopt at some point, but it's not definite.

21) Your views on the cis-gendered community?

My view on the cis-gendered community is it is very uninformed / uneducated on the trans community. There is so much miss information out there.  This tends to lead to confusion and the unknown.  And people fear the unknown.  I think as time progresses and there is more information out there, the cis-gendered community will be less transphobic.  But it's going to take time.  

22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?

At the moment no, but I'm not out full time.  Like I previously put in an answer, I do fear losing my job if I come out.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 13, 14, 15, 16

Sorry these are a bit.  With everything going on with my wife, I just haven't had the chance to write.  

13) Bathrooms:

Bathrooms haven't been an issue yet as I am not out full time. 

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

The biggest tip is be confident.  If you show fear, you are more open to questioning.  Also take the time to develop a style, practice putting on make-up, and observe other women.  Learn the mannerisms and how other women carry themselves.  I don't pass at the moment, but these are what I will be doing.  I have had a few moments of passing without trying.  I think that's thanks to the hormones making my body more feminine and also I am becoming more confident in who I am.

15) How have you embraced your trans identity?

I started out struggling with embracing being trans, but I have slowly embraced it.  I realized that this is who I am.  I was destined to be the woman I knew I was.  Having the people around me who support and love me, has definitely made it easier to embrace.  And seeing the changes in me has helped too.  Feeling more confident, being more out going, if I hadn't come out, I would still be in my shell.

16) What's your rock anthem and why?

This is a tough one.  My wife and I were discussing this one.  After much thought, I think I'm going to stick with my favorite song: Dream on by Aerosmith.  It just reminds me that everyone struggles, but to live and learn, to grow and to sing, and to alway dream on.  Singing always cheers me up.  

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 10, 11 & 12

So the last three days have been occupied with ER trips with my wife and her having her gallbladder out. Now that she is resting in her hospital bed and doing well, I figured I would take the opportunity to catch up on the 30 Day Trans Challenge.

10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

My fears in regards to being trans are average.  I do fear that I won't ever fully look female.  But I am happy that I am feeling very feminine.  That is huge.  I also fear discrimination and hate, but haven't experienced much yet.  

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Mainly by crying or having mini panic attacks.  Since being on hormones the dysphoria has not been bad.  If I feel it coming on, I just try to breath and remind myself that I am taking the steps I need to and that I already feel very feminine.  Plus the support that is around me helps a lot.

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

For mental health I see my therapist every week.  She has been helping so much.  I look forward to talking with her every week.  To the point I count down the hours.  And I'm a bit sad after the sessions when I know I have a week until I come back in.  It also helps with writing on blogger and tumblr.  I wouldn't have made it this far with those who read and follow them.

As for my physical health that's a toughy.  For monitoring my hormone progress I see my Endocrinologist every 3-4 months.  However my diet pre hormones has caused weight gain after hormones.  I am trying to cut my portion sizes and watch what I eat.  I am also trying to get in the routine of exercising.  We have a rowing machine, treadmill, and exercise bike.  Just got to get motivated to use them more.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 9

9) What is something positive about being trans?

There is a lot of negative things that happen with being trans.  However, there are some positive things.  I discovered how many true friends I have that have stuck by me when I came out and even rekindled some that I thought were lost.  I am happier knowing who I am and accepting it. I have met so many amazing people through this blog and my tumblr blog.  People that have inspired me and in turn I have inspired them (hopefully).  I feel a part of something bigger.  I feel a sense of belong. I have strengthened my relationships with my bestfriends to being sisters.  I have tested my marriage and even though it has it's rocky moments it is becoming stronger.  I have broken out of my shell.  I enjoy sharing about myself.  I am finally learning to love myself.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship.  Some may say that being trans is a curse with all the negative things that can happen.  But I also find it a blessing, as I am discovering who I am and get to see the world in a new light and it isn't as dark as it appears.

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 8

8) How do you deal with being read mis-genderd in the beginning of transitioning by people?

As I am not full time at the moment and spend more time in boy mode, I don't really experience being read mis-genderd.  However with being in boy mode and called ma'am and miss really lift my spirits.  The only issue I sort of have is with my parents.  Since coming out to them, they seem to constantly re-affirm that I am their son.  I don't know if they are doing it more often than what they used to or if I'm just more sensitive to it.  Just seems a lot of "...my son"  "...that's my boy" stuff.  I know it is hard for them to get used to now having another daughter after having a son for 34 years.  I just hope when I'm out full time, whenever that will be, that they will be more sensitive.  And I know slips happen.  I was referred to as uncle by one of my friends and I know it was an honest slip.  That really doesn't bother me.  Maybe I'm weird that it doesn't get to me as much.  Do I hate being called sir at a store or restaurant?  Yes, but I can't blame them if I'm out in boy mode.  Maybe I will feel differently when I'm out full time.  Only time will tell.