Lately I have been feeling a bit depressed and overwhelmed/discouraged. After the steam I had built up a couple of months ago, I seem to have stalled. I'm letting the fear and doubt get to me. I find that I just can't get myself to practice putting on makeup after the last time with my wife. I feel hopeless. I know that it takes a lot of practice, but I feel so lost with it. After two failures of doing it myself, I get myself so worked up that I convince myself not to practice. I try asking for help to show me how to apply makeup, but either people are too busy or I get the response of: it takes practice and we had to learn it on our own or no one showed us. I'm feeling that even though everyone is supportive and accepting of me, they don't want to deal with me or I've already put too much on them and I'm asking way to much of them. I'm in such a funk that I don't know if it is true or not. Part of me is thinking it would be better if I never bring up my transition to anyone again. Just never discuss it. I know transitioning isn't supposed to be easy. But part of me is thinking that it would be easier to just go back into hiding. This way I am no longer needing anyone's help. I can go back to helping others and not needing their help. I don't know. I'm just in such a funk. I really want to be a woman. That is who I am inside. I want to look like a woman, dress like a woman, and act like a woman. But the most difficult part of the transition besides getting over the fear is breaking all male habits. I've never been all that masculine, but when you spend 34 years being one way and only that way, it is very hard to change gears. I haven't had the growing up female years of playing with makeup or playing dress up. I haven't had the chance to be feminine. I haven't grown up wearing a bikini / one piece swimming to feel ok with it. Or grow up wearing skirts out to learn how to sit or walk. I know I can't learn this stuff over night, but I really think with help and support I can do it faster than another 30+ years. I really want to get my friends to understand. I would really love to be able to convince my friends to do a girl day every so often to get their help. Not a full day, but part of a day. Just my close friends... to help me. Help me with makeup. Help me with different hair styles. Help me with my walking and posture. Help me get over the fear of being dressed as a woman. Help me be comfortable being a woman. They grew up as woman and over many years had the time to develop into womanhood. I'm jumping into womanhood. I want to be who I am, but need the help. I just feel alone. Sorry, just been down lately. I feel like "the first rule of transgender is you don't talk about transgender." Hopefully I can get out of this funk. I'm just feeling lost right now. Maybe today will get better.
On a brighter note, I am up to 1046 page views on my blogger site and 45 followers on my tumblr site. I can't believe how many people are reading about me. I hope I am helping others know that they are not the only ones who are going through this.
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