Fear

I remember when I was younger, like very young, I had no fear.  I was out going, energetic, very extroverted.  But that fearless kid vanished and has been replaced with an adult full of fear.  Over the years, series of events kept adding on the fear.  I acknowledge that I have fear, but I can't keep it from running my life.  I know how I got some of my fears:

• Fear of heights: I fell off a ladder and a genie lift I was in tipped and fall over with me hanging on to pipes above me.  Now heights terrify me.

• Fear of public speaking:  In sixth grade I had one of the male leads in Anne of Greene Gables the musical.  Kids whom I thought were my friends made fun of me constantly for singing and being in a play.  Since then I hate being in the spot light.  I hate speaking in front of groups, no matter the size.  I start shaking and stuttering.  It terrifies me to the bone.

However, I'm not sure where my other fears come from:

• Atelophobia= the fear of not being good enough
• Social fear
• Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
• Clautrophobia=the fear of enclosed spaces

I know I have been bullied my whole life.  Well not my whole whole life, but since sixth grade.  I don't know what happened in middle school, but I lost all my friends.  Most of them were into sports and since I wasn't, I was no longer good enough to hang out with them.  They started making fun of me for no reason.  Most of my middle school life, I had no friends.  No one to hang out with, no one to eat lunch with, no one to talk in class with.  I was so alone.  The only attention I got was being bullied and picked on by kids that used to be my friends.  I had hoped the bullying would have ended in high school, but no.  The same kids and some new ones continued the bullying and picking on and name calling.  When I found the drama club, I finally had a refuge, but even there I didn't feel like I totally belonged.  With so much bullying, I thought no one liked me.  I started to fear letting people in because I thought they would eventually turn and hate me and become another bully.  It got so bad that most nights I would lie in bed with either a bottle of pills or a knife wanting to stop the pain.  I was never able to take the pills, but I had learned to cut, just to feel something.  Never deep enough to kill myself.  I just could never bring myself that far, even though I had thought about it so much.  I kept thinking the world would be better off without me.  

I did develop three really strong friendships in high school, but I always felt like I had to buy their friendship.  I know that wasn't the case and they wanted to be around me for who I was and not what I did for them, but I couldn't let myself believe that.  As I am older, I know so much better and I consider two of them my sisters and one my brother.  To think back of what I thought I had to do for their friendship... I was a fool.

I went away to college in hopes to leave the bullying behind me and start fresh.  Instead I found a new group of bullies.  Never physical bullying, but constant verbal abuse.  Even after joining a fraternity in hopes to have a group to protect me, the bullying continued.  You know the phrase "I wouldn't pick on you if I didn't like you"?  Those who say that are still bullying you and don't realize how much their teasing and picking on really hurts.  I can take a joke, just not when I'm constantly attacked.  I've had bullies around me for a very long time.  I think the longer I heard their words, the more I believed them.  They destroyed my self esteem.  I feel so little of myself.  I always have this sense of worthlessness.  I never feel good enough.  I feel I don't deserve the wonderful wife I have, or the amazing friends I have.  I think people just put up with me instead of actually wanting me around.  This has all crippled me socially.  I get such social anxiety.  I hate going to parties.  I feel so alone.  I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting made fun of, or doing the wrong thing to get made fun of.  It gets so bad that I fear even spending time with my friends.  There are people I would love to go see and spend time with, but the fear takes over and I never do it.  One of my best friends, she lives down the street from me.... literally down the street and I let fear keep me from seeing her.  Another best friend lives just in the next town over, and I let fear keep me from seeing him.  I don't want to impose on any of them.  I don't want to feel like I'm putting them out.  It's destroying me.  I let the fear twist everything in my head.  I just can't stop it.  And most of this, I kept bottled up.  This is the first time letting this all out.  I just bottle up and make excuses like I'm busy with plans, when I am really just too scared to go out.  And god forbid anyone come over.  I never have people over because it just scares the crap out of me.  What if the house is a mess?  What if I missed some cat fur and they are allergic?  What if the house smells?  What if I don't have food to feed them or drink to offer them?  What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I say the wrong thing?  It just overwhelms me.  Deep down I would love to have my friends over to our house, but I can't get over the fear to do it.

I hate feeling this way.  I hope my therapist can help me with this.  It is not healthy and I can't keep living like this.  And being transgender just adds more fear of bullying and people not liking me.  I hope to one day over come all of this.  One day.