Self Worth

Why is it so hard for us to see greatness in ourselves?  Why can’t we believe we are good enough? Why is it hard to believe when others say they love us?  Why are we so broken? Has society beaten us down to have no self worth?  When my friends put themselves down, it hurts because I know how amazing they are. But when they try to tell me how good I am, I can never see it.  I can’t see why they love me.  I can’t see that I’m worth it.  But they can’t see it in themselves either.  We tell each other how great the other is, in hopes of them believing even when we don’t.  I want to believe.  I want to feel the love.  I want to see greatness within.  And I want others to see the greatness in themselves.  Everyone I’ve met has greatness in them.  They are amazing parents, the bestest of friends, great singers, great dancers, amazing artists, just down right amazing people.  I try to praise my friends as much as I can because I do see greatness in them even if they can’t.  I hope some day it will finally sink in.  

To steal and modify a quote from Doctor Who: In my 35 years of life, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.

A Dream of the Heart

Ever sit and wonder what your purpose in life is.  Like what path to take.  What are you passionate about?  Are you passionate about anything?  Off and on I ask myself that.  Then not too long ago it hit me.  I felt a huge wave go over me.  I think I have finally discovered my path in life, my passion. Something my heart is telling me I need to do. It may sound crazy or impossible, but I think with a little support and a lot of heart, anything can be possible.  

I want to start a foundation and a private boarding school for LGBT youth.  A place where those who were kicked out of their homes for being themselves can go. Anyone who reaches out in need, no matter where they live, the foundation will pay for them to get to the school.  It would be a place to live and go to school.  A safe place where kids would have a warm bed, food, clothes, and get an education. They would have access to therapy and medical care, if needed. They will have a place to be themselves with no fear.  They would have a supportive environment.  

I would really like this idea to become a reality.  I read of so many stories where parents kick their kids out for being LGBT.  And they don’t have anywhere to go. They end up dropping out of school and living on the streets.  This saddens me so much.  I need to help.  This is where my heart is drawing me.

There are still a lot of details to work out and this is just beginning.  It will take a lot of time, but I really feel I need to do this... one way or another.

Becoming Bibi

After 21 months of blogging, today I decided to change the name of my blog.    ”Who Am I” no longer seems to fit.  I know who I am.  I know who I have always been.  It may have taken me a bit to realize it, but I know now.  

My name is Bibi and I’m a transgender woman.

The 12th Month

Today marks my 12th month on hormones.  I still can't believe how fast the time went by.  Tomorrow I have my quarterly Endo appointment.  I also had to get blood drawn to check levels.  Hoping everything looks ok.  Even with how fast time has been flying the changes have been slow.  I wish I was read as more female than male.  I may ask my Endo about progesterone.  I have had considerable breast growth.  I'm up to a B cup now.  And my butt is a bit rounder and plumper.  I have also become a bit more comfortable in my skin.  I've pretty much stopped hiding who I am except at work.  Even though I'm not out to my whole family, I started wearing nail polish on weekends and they haven't said anything if I see them.  I am so much happier now.  And I've become more out going.  I guess not hiding anymore is a big help.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for me.  Hopefully I get lose the weight I've gained from being on hormones.  I want to see curves.  I will post tomorrow on what happens at my Endo appointment.

Family

I have seen so many posts from people that have lost their family or risk losing their family for transitioning.  It makes me so sad and angry.  Family is supposed to be there for you.  No matter what. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally.  Families should care more about the members of their family that what other people will think.  They shouldn't let their fear of the unknown turn to hate.  No one should be kicked out of their homes, lose their parents, or lose their children.  No one should lose their jobs or their house for wanting to be themselves.  I wish I could take everyone in and show them what love truly is and what family is supposed to be like.  No one should be hurt for wanting to be themselves.  Embrace us, don't push us away.   Families think they failed us for us being who we are. But families are failing us by pushing us away and hating us.  I have been lucky to have a mostly accepting family.  Why can't other families be accepting?  The world needs to change.  It needs to stop living in fear and start living in love.

Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I write.  I know that one of my best friends convinced me to start.  And I began writing on Live Journal.  Just for me to see.  I needed to get my emotions out.  And as I wrote, I felt better.  But something was missing. What is a story without an audience.  What if there were people out there who felt the same way and needed to know that they weren't alone.  So I moved my writing to Blogger.  As my audience grew, I felt the need to touch other people.  I needed to share my story, my life.  I needed a community where I could open my heart.  Where I could share the best of times and the worst of times.  A place where I felt a sense of belonging.  And I found tumblr.  At first I was scared of it. Over time, with the people I touched and those that touched me, I found it to be one of my safe places to be myself and share my story.  Now I am planning on putting my story down into pages of a book. The next chapter of my writing life. Again I feel scared, but to have someone read my story, to feel moved by my words, to feel like they are not alone gives me the strength.

Writing has saved my life.  Getting my emotions out and acknowledging my demons, kept me from bottling up and ending my story, my life.  I have discovered how amazing life can be if you set your words free.  There will always be pain and struggle, but just knowing that you are not alone, gives hope that you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Loss of a Friend

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night.  It’s so hard losing a friend so young. Even though we only worked together for three summers and then became FB friends, he made such a huge impact on my life.  If it wasn’t for him, I would have never discovered my passion for Lighting and Light Design in theater.  Back in 1999 we both applied to work for an outdoor theater in NC (The Lost Colony).  He applied for lighting and I applied for sound.  Somehow they mixed up our resumes and I got put in lighting and he got put in sound.  We didn’t discover the mix up until a couple weeks into the rehearsal of the show.  But I discovered my love for lights and he discovered his love for sound.  

He was also the first guy I ever kissed.  We were at a party, everyone doing “e” and he kissed me.  I had always been attracted to guys, but had never done anything.  So he gave me that first experience. 

After I had moved back to CT, we lost touch for a while until finding each other on Facebook.    That was about 2 years ago.  Unfortunately he was already diagnosed with brain cancer and had tumors growing.  It was so tough watching him deteriorate these past 2 years.  He had such a beautiful soul.  He always had a positive outlook.  Even to the end.

Now he has taken his final march to a better place.  No more pain.  No more suffering.  He will be remembered.