Emotional Wreck

This past weekend ended up being a perfect storm of emotions.  Unfortunately caught in the path was my wife.  As I have posted before, I have been quitting smoking.  I was doing really good.  I put on my last patch on this past Tuesday and then was nicotine for the first time in a very long time.  But part of me felt this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it was going to be this time.  I thought things were going great since I hadn't cheated on the patch like I have in the past.  But my emotions were reaching a boiling point.

A couple of weeks ago, I accompanied my wife to an OBGYN appointment.  As I had stated a long while ago in a post, she found out she had fibroids in her uterus.  For those that don't know, fibroids are non cancerous tumors.  First only one was found of a decent size but of not much concern.  Many women get fibroids and they can be easily treated or dissolve on their own.   At the time when it was found we were told it could be problematic for us to get pregnant.  And at that time we weren't going to try for kids anyway, so no worries.  Last year it was discovered that the fibroid had grown and now had friends.  Still not uncommon, but would make it near impossible for us to have kids, which we just started to think about having.  So with the near impossibility and me wanting to start transitioning we made the final decision to not even try for kids.  If we ever changed our minds, we could always adopt.  Fast forward to a couple weeks ago.  My wife was starting to feel discomfort from the fibroid.  Apparently it's growth has gone into hyper-drive. We went to her OBGYN and discussed our options with the doctor.  We had two options: 1. To do a bunch of tests to determine its full size and impact on her uterus and try to carefully remove it and any other problematic ones and risk the chance of damaging her uterus or 2. Have a hysterectomy and completely remove the uterus and no longer risk the fibroids coming back or turning into cancerous cells.  Since we didn't want to have kids we opted for option 2, the hysterectomy.  This means surgery and her being out of work recovering for anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months depending on which method they are able to remove the uterus with.  So my emotions are a wreck from worrying about her.  Its a surgery that she will be put under for and I don't want to lose her.  I love her so much and fear complications with the surgery, even though I know hysterectomies have become fairly routine with little risk.  But there is always risk even if it is a little.  Also I am worried about our finances with her being on short term disability for 3 weeks to 2 months.  That means she will only be taking home 60% of her normal paycheck.  Things are tight as it is, I have a plan to save before her surgery to offset the difference, but it is still stressful.

To add on to my emotions, work has sucked lately.  I work in Real Estate and the market hasn't really been that great.  I'm an Admin and Marketing person.  So I work for a bunch of brokers.  Since deals aren't closing, the brokers are depressed and upset and they have been taking it out on me.  They focus there issues on me.  I tend to adopt emotions that are around me and my past review reflected that when I was told I was being to negative in the office.  But it is really difficult to be upbeat when you are being shit on from all directions at work.  It is hard to keep a smile on your face when someone is blaming you for their mistakes.  I am supposed to smile and nob when I am bitched at for trying to fix their issues.  So that is stressing me mega time.

Also, just recently my father-in-law was laid off again.  He works in construction and unfortunately like the real estate market things have been slow.  So when projects end and other ones don't start for weeks or months, he gets laid off.  My mother-in-law doesn't work due to health issues she has been having.  So I am worried about them.  Then this past week, my father called me to tell me he has been laid off.  He works in thermal coatings and that is a tough business to be in.  He is really good at what he does, but doesn't really play the politics and that hurts him every time.  The weasels and suck ups always stay on no matter how bad they are at their job and my father gets laid off.  My mom isn't working.  She hasn't work since they moved back to CT after my father got laid off from the previous job.  So I am also worried about them.  I am so worried about both sets of parents.  I wish I could help them, but my wife and I aren't in a good financial spot either due to too much debt.

Then there's the stress of transitioning.  This is something I have really wanted.  To finally feel comfortable in my body.  Progress is slow but it has its fears.  My in-laws are talking about taking us on all these trips when my father-in-law goes back to work.  Mainly to Disney and the big concern I have is what happens when they want to go to one of the water parks.  I'm not passable now, but I am growing breasts.  How will I cover that.  How do I keep from the stares and fears.  By the time any of this happens I could pass.  It is a long time out, but still have the fear.

And finally with the hormones, I am going through a second puberty.  My emotions are already all over the place due to the hormones.  This all boiled over this weekend.  I was losing it.  I was snapping at my wife for no reason.  Getting pissed and angry for no reason.  The littlest things were setting me off.  I really wanted a cigarette but my wife didn't want to start back up again.  Neither did I, but I wasn't thinking straight.  We picked up more patches, just in case, but my wife didn't want me to use them either.  She wanted me to come up with another healthier vice to my emotional stress.  But all I could think about was having nicotine in my system.  Which caused more issues between us.  I was angry and sad and depressed.  I felt like a failure for wanting a cigarette.  I felt like I was losing myself.  Finally she told me to put a patch on.  I did and after about 2 hours, the emotions started pouring out.  I was crying.  I realized how much of an ass I was, how much I was hurting her emotionally.  The damage was done.  I treated her like shit.  I tried to apologize, but with how I acted it was hard to accept.  I know she has stress too and worries.  I felt like the worst person in the world.  We barely talked last night before bed and hardly said much to each other on our drives into work.  I feel so horrible for how I acted.  Why can't I control myself without nicotine?  If I go off the patch again I fear what I will become.  I fear I will become a bitter, mean, asshole who may risk losing his wife.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to lose my wife.  I love her so much, if I were to lose her, there would be no point to anything anymore.

Sorry for the long post, but I am still very emotional.  I should be writing more often so I don't keep all of this bottled up and have it boil over again.  I really hope my emotions normalize, I really don't like being on this roller coaster.