Taboo

So there is a topic that I've noticed is rarely discussed.  What if a transgender woman decides to keep her penis.  It could be for various reasons: can't afford surgery, scared of the surgery, or they have a significant other whom they love and they like that body part.  Whatever the reason, one thing that is hardly talked about is performance after starting hormones.  Don't let any porn fool you, it is not that easy to get an erection if you have been on hormones for a while.  Yes you expect the morning hard on to go away, but what about if you want to have sex?  And use your penis?  It's not as easy as one would think.  With lack of testosterone in your body, you suffer erectile dysfunction.  It will take a lot of work to get an erection, and even more work to keep it.  Is this the same for everyone?  No.  Each person can experience varying degrees.  Also, think of your penis as a muscle.  If you don't use it, you are going to lose it.  As much as most of us do not like our penises, we tend to not touch it.  The blood vessels constrict and forget how to stretch and bring in blood flow.  It will also become painful if you try.  Trust me.  Ow ow ow.

And if you really love your significant other, like I do, you do not want to disappoint in the bedroom.  Mostly they will understand it takes a bit more work to get the penis up.  But not always can you hold the erection and it may not be as big as it was pre-hormones as again, if you don't use it, you lose it.

So if you want to keep your significant other happy in bed, I suggest every so often, a few times a week, exercise that muscle.  I know it can get dysphoric, but it gets easier.  And for that extra push, you could always go the route of Viagra.  Which my doctor just prescribed to me yesterday.  I have not tried it yet, as I won't be able to afford to pick up the prescription until next weekend.  They are expensive.  10 pills for $50 (if you have insurance).  No insurance 10 pills will run you about $167.  But again, if you love your significant other with all your heart, it is worth it.

My Reach

I have 106 followers on Tumblr and over 3200 page view on my blogger site. When I started writing, I hoped to reach a few people with my transition story.  I can't get over how many people I have reached. I hope that some of what I am sharing is helping people.  Making them feel like they aren't alone. 

Fear

I remember when I was younger, like very young, I had no fear.  I was out going, energetic, very extroverted.  But that fearless kid vanished and has been replaced with an adult full of fear.  Over the years, series of events kept adding on the fear.  I acknowledge that I have fear, but I can't keep it from running my life.  I know how I got some of my fears:

• Fear of heights: I fell off a ladder and a genie lift I was in tipped and fall over with me hanging on to pipes above me.  Now heights terrify me.

• Fear of public speaking:  In sixth grade I had one of the male leads in Anne of Greene Gables the musical.  Kids whom I thought were my friends made fun of me constantly for singing and being in a play.  Since then I hate being in the spot light.  I hate speaking in front of groups, no matter the size.  I start shaking and stuttering.  It terrifies me to the bone.

However, I'm not sure where my other fears come from:

• Atelophobia= the fear of not being good enough
• Social fear
• Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
• Clautrophobia=the fear of enclosed spaces

I know I have been bullied my whole life.  Well not my whole whole life, but since sixth grade.  I don't know what happened in middle school, but I lost all my friends.  Most of them were into sports and since I wasn't, I was no longer good enough to hang out with them.  They started making fun of me for no reason.  Most of my middle school life, I had no friends.  No one to hang out with, no one to eat lunch with, no one to talk in class with.  I was so alone.  The only attention I got was being bullied and picked on by kids that used to be my friends.  I had hoped the bullying would have ended in high school, but no.  The same kids and some new ones continued the bullying and picking on and name calling.  When I found the drama club, I finally had a refuge, but even there I didn't feel like I totally belonged.  With so much bullying, I thought no one liked me.  I started to fear letting people in because I thought they would eventually turn and hate me and become another bully.  It got so bad that most nights I would lie in bed with either a bottle of pills or a knife wanting to stop the pain.  I was never able to take the pills, but I had learned to cut, just to feel something.  Never deep enough to kill myself.  I just could never bring myself that far, even though I had thought about it so much.  I kept thinking the world would be better off without me.  

I did develop three really strong friendships in high school, but I always felt like I had to buy their friendship.  I know that wasn't the case and they wanted to be around me for who I was and not what I did for them, but I couldn't let myself believe that.  As I am older, I know so much better and I consider two of them my sisters and one my brother.  To think back of what I thought I had to do for their friendship... I was a fool.

I went away to college in hopes to leave the bullying behind me and start fresh.  Instead I found a new group of bullies.  Never physical bullying, but constant verbal abuse.  Even after joining a fraternity in hopes to have a group to protect me, the bullying continued.  You know the phrase "I wouldn't pick on you if I didn't like you"?  Those who say that are still bullying you and don't realize how much their teasing and picking on really hurts.  I can take a joke, just not when I'm constantly attacked.  I've had bullies around me for a very long time.  I think the longer I heard their words, the more I believed them.  They destroyed my self esteem.  I feel so little of myself.  I always have this sense of worthlessness.  I never feel good enough.  I feel I don't deserve the wonderful wife I have, or the amazing friends I have.  I think people just put up with me instead of actually wanting me around.  This has all crippled me socially.  I get such social anxiety.  I hate going to parties.  I feel so alone.  I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting made fun of, or doing the wrong thing to get made fun of.  It gets so bad that I fear even spending time with my friends.  There are people I would love to go see and spend time with, but the fear takes over and I never do it.  One of my best friends, she lives down the street from me.... literally down the street and I let fear keep me from seeing her.  Another best friend lives just in the next town over, and I let fear keep me from seeing him.  I don't want to impose on any of them.  I don't want to feel like I'm putting them out.  It's destroying me.  I let the fear twist everything in my head.  I just can't stop it.  And most of this, I kept bottled up.  This is the first time letting this all out.  I just bottle up and make excuses like I'm busy with plans, when I am really just too scared to go out.  And god forbid anyone come over.  I never have people over because it just scares the crap out of me.  What if the house is a mess?  What if I missed some cat fur and they are allergic?  What if the house smells?  What if I don't have food to feed them or drink to offer them?  What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I say the wrong thing?  It just overwhelms me.  Deep down I would love to have my friends over to our house, but I can't get over the fear to do it.

I hate feeling this way.  I hope my therapist can help me with this.  It is not healthy and I can't keep living like this.  And being transgender just adds more fear of bullying and people not liking me.  I hope to one day over come all of this.  One day.

The In Between Stage

Starting to hate this in between stage.  Tomorrow we have a party to go to at a friends house whom I'm not out to yet.  Normally ok I can be in boy mode, except there is a pool and everyone goes swimming. It's gonna be hard to hide my growing breasts.  Cuz they are noticeable as breasts now.  Not sure how they will take it if I come out to them.  Either they could be like everyone else and be like "yeah we knew that" or they could not accept me.  It's so hard to know.  Ugh. We're still going to go, but I'm just worried. I know that if they can't accept me for who I am then they really aren't friends, but I don't want that pain if they can't accept me.

This is worry and stress is also weighing down on my wife.  I hate doing this to her.  Why can't the world be more accepting?  Why does it have to be hateful and ignorant?  

Ugh.

Quick July Update

So it's been 7 months on hormones.  I would love to say I'm getting a handle on my new more emotional state, but I'd be lying.  I mean I was emotional before starting hormones, but now I cry at the drop of a hat.  It takes everything in my being to hold back from crying about things at work.  As for physical changes, my breasts keep growing... slowly, but they are growing.  I'm about a B cup.  I find I need the support of a bra more and more.  This past weekend my wife and I were in Disney World for her birthday and I went 4 days without wearing a bra and it got painful at times. :(  But I survived.   Oh speaking of Disney World something exciting happened.  My wife and I were going to ride the new attraction Journey of the Little Mermaid at the new Fantasyland at the Magic Kingdom and the attendant called me and my wife Ladies.  Like I wasn't wearing makeup, and wasn't really all that femininely dressed... ok I was dressed a bit feminine... pink & powder blue hat, girl shorts, girl tank top, but still subtle to be kind of androgynous and he called us Ladies.   That just made the rest of my day.  Thank god I didn't open my mouth as I haven't really worked on my voice and it is definitely male sounding.  That might have really confused him.  Oh and also the day after that as we were entering Epcot, the cast member at the turnstile called me miss.  Seems like I'm starting to pass a bit without trying.  But I just don't see it when I look in the mirror.  :(  I wonder if I will ever see the changes. How long until I see the reflection I am supposed to see???  Oh well, two great moments at least.

And happy 30th birthday to my wife.  We were both worried about this journey of transition and we have grown so much closer.... closer than we ever thought possible.... and each day we get closer.... yay!!!!!

6 Months and Counting

I can't believe it has been 6 months since starting hormones.  Time is flying.  I never thought I would ever get to this point.  When I first admitted to myself that I was transgender, I never thought I would actually transition.  I didn't think I had the strength and courage.  But here I am, 6 months on hormones and going strong.

Not much to report in changes.  Some really really minor facial changes.  Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's).  I have gained some weight.  Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time.  Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight.  The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian.  For some reason my body is rejecting most meats.  Like eating meat makes me physically sick.  This has happened once before about 17 years ago.  That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time.  So here's hoping it works the same way.

My emotions have been all over the place.  It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years.  Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor.  Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it.  FYI it was the size of a small watermelon.  Yikes.  But I cared all that stress for two years.  Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender.  Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year.  It's been a ride.  But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.

I am very thankful for our support system.  My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle.  We call it Famylie.  We are very close and supportive of each other.  We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned.  They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through.  Always supportive.

That's all I got for now.

Hormone Levels

My first hormone level check results came in.  They are looking great according to my doctor.  I find it interesting when they tested me before they put me on hormones to transition I was on the low end for male hormones.