As I posted last week, me, my wife and two great friends decided to go to the pride parade in NYC. After some internal debate and very little convincing by my wife and friends I decided to go out as a woman. This was exciting, scary, and nerve racking all at the same time.
So many things were swirling in my head: What was I going to wear? I need to pick up makeup supplies. How was I going to do my hair? What if I'm not passable? What if I get outed and something bad happened? How was I going to handle the drive to the train station? How was I going to handle the train, the subway, the walk to the parade?
I also had so many emotions running through me: Fear for not being passable. Fear of being judged. Fear of danger to myself, my wife, my friends. But also excitement. Excitement for going out in public for the first real time as a woman. Excitement for being a woman for a whole day.
From Friday night to Sunday night it was a whirlwind. So much to do and so little time. Friday night my wife and I went with one of my best friends clothes shopping for an outfit for Sunday. It was very difficult trying to find clothes when I haven't developed a style yet. We guessed on my size for the clothes we picked out. No idea what would fit and what would look good on me. I didn't want to look like a man wearing women's clothes. I wanted to look like a woman wearing women's clothes. That was a huge challenge. I bought about 4 shirts and 4 skirts. After buying clothes, we headed to the mall. I needed to pickup some makeup supplies from Macy's MAC counter. I was so nervous. I brought my list with me and went to the counter to try to get the stuff. I forgot to write down the color I needed and could not remember it. After a couple of awkward moments of trying to find a way to get the makeup, I just opened up and told the woman that was helping me that the makeup was for me. After opening up, you to just feel the tension break and it was so much easier. The woman was so nice. She seemed so excited to help me. She was explaining what each color could do and she convinced me to let her try a few things. We spent about 20 mins going over what would work best and she explained how to apply it. I bought a setting spray and a powder. She also gave me a sample of liquid foundation (since they did not have any in stock). She gave me enough of a sample to help me make it through Sunday. After getting makeup, we headed to Claires to find accessories. I ended up getting a cute necklace and matching earrings. After that we dropped my friend at her house and headed home.
Saturday was a crazy long day. I got up around 6am to get my day started. Before I could leave the house to run errands I had to get dishes and laundry done since we were not going to be home the rest of the weekend. By 8:30am, laundry and dishes were done. Time to get errands done. First we had to drop my car off for an oil change. After that we were supposed to go to my friends house to show her the clothes I got and try to figure out what would work or if she had anything I could borrow. Our schedules were not matching up that morning so on to the next errand. We went to another friends house to try and fix my laptop. A couple of weeks earlier, one of our cats accidentally knocked over my glass of red wine all on my laptop causing the screen to go dark. So one of our friends offered to help me diagnose and try to fix my laptop. We spent about 3 hours pulling my laptop apart and trying to troubleshoot it. We discovered it was a part for the backlight. A $7 dollar part. So I ordered the part and put my laptop back together. Now it was time to go pick up my car. We got my car and headed home. By the time we got home, the friend I was trying to meet up with to go over clothes was home and we headed over. That was very overwhelming. We wear roughly the same size and she owns a lot of clothes. She kept tossing me a ton of options. It was kind of like being a kid in a candy store and being told you can have it all. My head started spinning. So we settled on a few outfits that would be good for the Pride parade and we headed home to try them on. The hardest thing for me to do is to try on clothes when I'm not wearing makeup. I really look like a guy in women's clothes. A sight that I have issues seeing. I was starting to feel defeated. I just wanted to give up and cry. But I pulled myself together and decided to pack up all the options and bring them with me to my friends house that we were going to stay over at before the parade. So I packed up all the clothes and got my makeup kit together and headed to my friends house. She is the one who suggested going to the parade. When we got there, I was very nervous to try on clothes and practice my makeup. But by 10pm, I got up the nerve and first tried doing my makeup myself. That was such a fail. I did great on the foundation and powder, but (as my wife put it) made a rookie mistake with the eye shadow and lipstick. So I was feeling defeated again and wanted to cry. They convinced me to wash it off and try again. So this time I did the foundation and powder. I stopped there and then tried on clothes. This way I didn't have my male face looking back at me in the mirror. We settled on a cute yellow shirt and brown skirt. Now it was time to finish up my makeup. My friend and wife were trying to explain to me the best eyeshadow color and lip color for looking natural and being out during the day instead of the night. We settled on a greenish eyeshadow and a like pink lipstick and a light pink blush. It looked really good. By this time it was midnight and we had to get to bed. We had to be up early to get ready and head to NYC for the parade.
Sunday, the day of the parade. I could barely sleep the night before (nerves and excitement). My alarm was set for 6am, but I was mostly awake from 4:30am. I got out of bed at 6am to start my prepping for the parade. I was first up so I was first in the bathroom. First thing to do was a really close shave on my face. So I opted for a straight razor instead of electric. I kept hoping I wouldn't cut myself. No cuts, so onto the shower. I had to also do touch up shaving on my legs, arms, and pits. Luckily I did a full shave the previous morning so it didn't take to long. Now onto getting dressed. I was so nervous. Not from really putting on the clothes, but from having my friends husband and daughter see me dressed as a girl for the first time. But I sucked it up and got dressed. Had to have a cigarette after that to calm my nerves. After calming down my nerves it was time to get the foundation and powder done. Amazingly I'm getting good at the foundation and powder. Must be all those years of doing makeup in theatre ;) After getting the foundation done it was hurry up and wait. Had to wait for the other friend going with us to get there to do my hair. She blew dry and flat ironed my hair. It looked really good. Then she did my eye makeup. I put on the lipstick and my wife did my blush. Now for the final touches, earrings and necklace. Now I am complete. Just have to wait for everyone else to get ready. The waiting was the hardest because it gave me time to think and get nervous about driving as a girl and just in general being nervous about being out in public as a woman. 8:45am came and it was time to hit the road. Four of us piled into the car and headed to the train station. It took us about an hour to get to the train station in Stamford. I was very nervous getting out of the car. This was a big big step for me. We got out of the car and started walking to the platform. I was trying so hard not to think as I walked. I tried to have confidence and not worry about people seeing me. Getting to the train was successful. So far so good, no weird looks or confrontations. I was starting to think I could pull this off. We boarded the train and it was already packed. One seat open for the four of us. So my wife and one of our friends took turns sitting while the other two of us stood the hour train ride to the city. Another success, no one was staring or giving weird looks. I was pulling this off. Just can't talk or it will give me away. Good thing I'm normally very quite so it wasn't hard to just not talk. We arrive at Grand Central Station and now it was time to find the subway to head to the parade route. After about 5 mins we found which subway to take and headed to Union station at 4th Ave and 14th St. As we stepped onto the street, again the nerves hit me. Was I ready for this? Am I ready for the world to see me as the woman I am inside. I sucked it up and hit the street. We headed up a few blocks to the corner of 14th St and 5th Ave. We found the parade route. My wife and I stood and waited for the parade to start as our two other friends went and got food. The parade was coming. I was overwhelmed at the amount of people. I could not believe all the people here to support such a great cause. My emotions were in overload. All these people supporting the LGBT community. I felt so at home. The nerves went away. The fear was gone. I could be who I am. I wanted to cry happy tears. The parade was amazing. I could not get over the number of sponsored floats: Coca Cola, Delta, AT&T, Universal, and so many others. It was amazing that these large corporations supported the LGBT community. I was awe struck. I only had one uncomfortable moment. We were standing next to a line of people waiting to cross the street and in one of the groups was a guy that was just staring at me. He made me nervous. I started to get worried. But then after a few moments that seemed like an eternity, he turned around and watched the parade. Then it was time for him to cross the street. Thank god he was gone. That was the only uncomfortable moment the whole day. A few hours into the parade we decided to head to the Stonewall Inn to watch the rest of the parade. I don't know how many blocks we walked, but I felt so comfortable walking around NYC as a woman and didn't have to worry about being myself. It was amazing walking through Greenwich Village. This was my wife's and mine first time walking through there. It was such a loving happy atmosphere. No weird looks from people, I fit in. We made it to across from the Stonewall Inn. Many emotions flooded in me. Watching the parade from this spot was great. The atmosphere was so emotionally charged. A great moment was when my wife and I wanted to have a cigarette. We backed up to a fence to sit down and a woman next to us moved her bag and said "She can sit down too". She as in me. She called me a she. This was the first time I had been called a she. I was so happy. I fit in and I can be myself. By 5pm we were all tired and decided to head back to Union Station and head home. Again I felt so comfortable walking around the streets of NYC as a woman. I really felt I had nothing to worry about. We got to the subway and made it to Grand Central Station with about 7 mins to make it to the train to head home or we'd have to wait an hour for the next one. We ran through the station and made it to the train just in time. Luckily we were able to get seats this time. God my feet were killing me. It took us about an hour to get to Stamford. Then we got in the car and headed back to my friends house. I was said for the day to be over. When we got to my friends house, I had to remove the makeup and change clothes. It was a little depressing looking in the mirror to see my male face again and putting on my male clothes. But I was back to my male self. My wife and I made it home by about 9:30pm and ate dinner and passed out in bed.
The whole time I felt so lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive wife. I know how hard this weekend was for her. There were no slow baby steps for her. We were moving a lightening speed. It was a lot for her to process in such a little time. I know she wasn't ready to do this and go to the parade. But she knew how good it would be for me to do this, so she encouraged me and agreed to go to the parade. We did agree to slow down a little bit just so we have time to process everything. She was so amazing all weekend. Staying up late, standing and walking for as much as we did for the parade. Trying to protect me while we were in NYC to make sure nothing bad happened to me. I am so blessed. I love her so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment