The Struggle

As the more accepting I get with myself, the more I feel the desire to pursue transition.  However it will bring many challenges for me and my wife.  My wife knew who I was before she married me.  I think she knew more than I did.  She has been very supportive of me, but I have had this fear of talking to her about how I feel about myself.  It is not that she is hard to talk to, it is that I have had many people that I have cared about leave me.  I do not want to loose her.  We have been together for 7, almost 8 years.  We just had our 5 year anniversary.  Over these years, she has become my world.  She means everything to me.  We are the perfect fit for each other.  If she were to ever leave me, my world would crumble and wouldn't be worth living.  I love her with all my heart.  I can't imagine a life without her.  I remember one dream I had where I was in an alternate reality where we had never met.  I spent the whole dream searching for her.  It was a nightmare that I couldn't be with her.  No matter how feminine my mind is and no matter how less attracted I become towards women.... I will always be attracted to her.  Her smile is the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen.  The way her eyes sparkle, just makes me melt.  I don't want to ever hurt her.  I don't want to make her frown or loose her sparkle.  I would give up my desires for her.  I have kept them bottled for 27ish years, and I'm willing to rebottle them for 50 plus more years.  Will it hurt, maybe a little, but it is a small price to pay to have her happy in my life.  I'm not saying that she is no longer supportive, I'm just saying that at any point she just wants me as I was... I will be that man.  Her love means so much to me.  I never want to loose that.  I never want a day to come where she is no longer with me.  Friends can come and go, but we are forever.