The Middle

Taking the journey to accept yourself as transgender is a difficult one.  It can be hard on your emotions and your mental state.  But this journey can also be hard on the ones around you, especially if you are married.  My wife, as I've stated before, knew who I was before we got married.  She has always been accepting and supportive of me.  Also knowing how introverted I am, I believe she didn't ever think I would be ready to move on and take the next steps.  I didn't ever believe I would have progressed this far in my acceptance of myself.  I never thought I would come out to anyone, write about myself, or even talk openly about me being transgender.  I wouldn't have thought I would dress up and let one of my friends do my makeup.  But as I talk more about it and open out, I've moved forward in my journey.  This can add more stress onto a marriage.  It didn't help that I kept this blog from my wife for so long.  I was afraid to have her see what I've been going through and afraid I would loose her.  But I am not loosing her.  She is still very supportive of me. 

There are many challenges that come with being married and being transgender.  My wife and I are a perfect fit.  Not just emotionally, but physically also.  So when we discussed about my transitioning, I can understand her hesitance of me having gender reassignment surgery and loosing my penis.  But that day is very far in the future and may never come at all.  There are many challenges that not just impact me, but her as well.  How will our families take the news, what about my work?  In Connecticut, transgender is protected against discrimination.  It would be illegal for my company to fire me if I came out as transgender, but that still wouldn't prevent it being awkward or difficult.  Where we stand financially, we could not afford for me to loose my job if they found a way to let me go without it looking like discrimination.  For the time being we have reached a compromise that I am very comfortable with.  We have agreed to first go to therapy, which I need to do anyway before I can get hormone replacement therapy.  Then if my therapist clears me for hormone replacement, we agreed I can proceed with it.  But for now, that will be as far as I go.  I may not present as female all the time, but about 80% of the time.  I will still present myself as male at work and with family, but I will present as female when we are with my friends or go out somewhere.  I am fully fine with this.  With my introverted personality, I need these baby steps.  I know going through HRT will start making me more feminine, but if I mix that with exercise and diet, the changes won't be as noticeable as fast so I can still present as male when I need to, and present as female when I want to. 

Taking these baby steps, will also make it easier for us in the near future (1 or 2 years), to try to conceive a child.  When my wife and I first started dating, we both agreed that we didn't want children.  But soon after I had changed my mind.  I did want at least one child, but my wife still didn't want children.  As my friends started having kids, the desire to have a child grew.  Men don't have a biological clock, but I did and boy was it ticking.  After one of our friends just had a baby and my wife got to be around her, my wife had changed her mind.  If I was willing to put off having GRS or not have it at all, my wife was willing to have kids.  But it's not just putting off GRS that changed her mind, it was seeing how my friends kids acted with being brought up in a loving home and seeing how the fathers acted, her knowing how I would act, that changed her mind.  She could see how great of a family we would make and now she wants that too.  I know having a child with one parent who is transgender will be difficult.  It will be hard to explain to them why their daddy is different.  But we are ready for that.  As one of my best friends put it "You guys are gonna be the best moms ever".  :)