The Journey

For almost 27 years, I have traveled this journey to self awareness alone.  I don't know why I felt I had to do this alone.  Fear?  Afraid of loosing the ones I love.  Afraid they won't understand.  As I walked it alone, I festered depression and anxiety.  A darkness was present in me.  A growing self loathing.  One of my best friends convinced me to write.  That opened the flood gates of emotion.  All the self loathing and darkness flowed out.  But as I wrote I also began to heal.  I began to accept who I was.  Yet I still had moments of darkness and self loathing.  Then I talked openly to two of my best friends about me.  I began to heal more.  I could feel the darkness and self loathing dissipate. Over the past several months I have become more comfortable with who I am.  But I still had fear.  I was afraid to fully open up to my wife.  I was afraid of loosing her.  She is my world.  I would not be able to survive without her.  But through an inner battle, I decided to finally let her fully in.  First it was light conversation, showing her the picture of me fully as a girl.  Then I felt it was time to share this blog.  I should have shared it when I first started it, but again I was afraid.  Last night we had a more in-depth conversation.  She said she knew who I was before we got married.  She is very accepting of me.  She wants to walk this journey with me.  I was a fool for trying to hide myself.  I was a fool for not letting her in.  I was a fool for thinking I could make this journey on my own.  I know I hurt her from keeping this from her and not being open.  For that I am so sorry.  I look forward to walking this journey with her.  This journey is long and hard with many challenges.  No one should have to walk this alone.  I love you hun.