Planning

How does one plan for the unknown and the unexpected?  How does one know how they will feel in a month, a year, in five years, in ten?  The answer seems so hard.  It seems impossible.  But if you take steps, baby steps, and follow your heart it is not so hard and not so impossible.  Also take each day at a time.  Life will throw curve balls, but if you open up and discuss each step, you will be prepared for the unexpected.

My wife and I had a very long talk last night.  We discussed our fears, our worries, and our hopes.  She was afraid she was loosing the man she married.  She was afraid that I was going to become a different person entirely.  She worried that our lives would be turned upside down.  Those are valid fears and worries.  But I am not changing who I am on the inside.  I am not changing our lives, I am making it more truthful and open.  I will be able to look in the mirror and see my inner self on the outside.  I will still come home and make dinner.  I will still be doing dishes and laundry.  We will still lounge on the couch and catch up on our shows on the DVR.  Once I begin HRT, I will hopefully get the girlish figure back that I had when we first started dating.  And hopefully have a more of a feminine face so makeup won't be a necessity.   I will still be wearing my girl jeans, but I'll just look better in them.  I won't be walking around in foofy dresses and 5" heels.  I won't be dressed to the nines everyday or every week.  I will still be me, just a bit more feminine looking.  I'll get to wear the shoes I want without weird looks.  I may wear more girly shirts and a bra, but instead of wearing them at home I can wear them out.  I may wear a skirt on occasion, but nothing frilly or gaudy.   And we can plan each step so we are each comfortable and it's not a whirl wind. 

Being such an introvert, I have issues with spontaneity and going out of my comfort zone.  So planning for what will come next is a relief to me.  We can discuss various scenarios and how we can handle them.  As long as there is an open dialogue with how we feel and how we want to handle things, nothing will be impossible.  Will I change, yes on the outside but no on the inside.  Not who I am.  I will still make goofy jokes.  I will still take an hour to get ready in the morning (maybe more if I am going out as a girl and I need makeup).  But the core of who I am will never change.  Will this be difficult?  No doubt there will be challenges.  But we can face them.

And it is very important to remember that it is not just me going through this.  She is part of my life and is my life.  She will have challenges with me.  When I'm hurt, she's hurt.  This is a journey we are taking together.  And we will take the steps together.  It is my belief that this will only make us stronger.  We have dealt with tough times and persevered, this will be no different.