Like One of the Girls

This past weekend my wife and I went with a group of friends to a local festival.  It had live music, rides, and crafts.  While the guys took the kids to the rides, the girls were going to look at the crafts.  Not liking rides and loving crafts I went with the girls.  While we were walking around they made me feel like one of the girls.  It was so great.  They were getting hair ribbon crowns and were going to get me one too.  Unfortunately I was worried about what people would think so I declined.  But the offer was amazing.  They treated me like one of the girls.  It was a great day.

Dreams

Yesterday I had a work event where I was unable to smoke all day.  So I put on a patch to get me through the day.  I forgot to take the patch off last night so the dreams started flowing.  It felt like I had about 12 dreams last night.  But only one of them was long and really vivid.  As usual it was weird....

I dreamt I was at my parents house with my wife and my parents were out of town.  For some reason they had a boarder living at their house.  It was a distant family member and his girlfriend.  He was not around but his girlfriend was.  Throughout the whole dream she was naked.  Not sure why.  As the dream progressed she mentioned that she was hearing weird noises at night.  We decided to stay up and investigate.  We discovered a smuggling ring that was using secret passages in the house.  I confronted the leader and she was threatening me, so I tried calling 911.  For some reason, there was a contest that you could win if you were a certain caller to 911.  *Like I said "weird"*

All of a sudden there were a bunch of people at the house setting up staging and lights.  They were very loud making it difficult to talk to the 911 operator to explain the situation.  Finally I got through.  The police arrived and stopped the smuggling ring.  By that time there were a bunch of people at the house having a party.  One of the people at the house was a friend of mine from High School, Kara.  She was depressed because she felt that she would never date anyone and lose her virginity.  I always found it difficult to believe that she had issues dating people because she was so beautiful.  She then told me that she had always admired me and wish we had gotten together.  I tried consoling her and as I did she kept kissing.  It felt so good to kiss her, but I was married.  She pulled me on top of her and she continued to kiss me.  At that point my wife walked in and pulled me aside.  I explained to her that I was trying to stop her and that I was only consoling her because she was depressed about never dating anyone and having not lost her virginity yet.  My wife then told me to fulfill Kara's wish and sleep with her.  I being surprised, went to Kara.  I told her my wife has given me permission to be with her.  At that point she pulled me on top of her again and started kissing me again.  She opened her shirt to expose her breasts.  Then she started to hike up her skirt.  I removed her panties as she unzipped my pants.  As I kissed her breasts, she started stroking my penis.  Then she positioned herself and guided my penis into her vagina.  As soon as I started to insert my penis, my alarm went off...  It felt so real.   I wonder why I dreamt about her.  I have never had a dream about her before.  Hmmmmm.   Oh well. 

The Mirror

So I have been obsessing about my image lately.  I have been on a diet for a few months now.  I keep looking to see if I have lost any weight.  My wife says she notices a difference.  I keep hoping to get down to my girlish figure.  When I met my wife, she said I had such a feminine figure.  She was right.  I had an almost hourglass figure.  I wore a size six.  I had a "girl's" butt.  I so want to get back to that.  I look forward to the day when I get mistaken for a girl again.  I keep looking in the mirror to see if the dieting is working.  It appears to be.  I'm down from a size 14 to a size 10.  Still have a bit of a ways to go.  But as I obsess in front of the mirror I can't help but stress about my face.  All the men in my family have thick facial hair.  This means no matter how much I shave, I have a five o'clock shadow.  The older I get the worse it gets.  I shaved at 6am this morning and already feel the stubble on my face.  This will make it difficult to be more feminine.  At some point when I can afford it, I would love to go get laser hair removal on my face.  I want to be more feminine looking.  I may never go for HRT but I still want to look feminine.  Hmmmm. I love having feminine hips, butt, arms, legs, hair, just need my face to catch up.  Someday......

Dreams

I had two dreams last night... one scary, one interesting.

The first dream was really short.  I was driving out to some woods crying.  I got out of my car.  Grabbed some rope and climbed a tree.  I put the rope around a limb of the tree and around my neck and I hung myself.  Luckily I woke up.  It was scary... I'm not sure what has caused this dream, why it was so short, and why I would dream of hanging myself... I have never had the urge to hang myself, slit wrists or overdosing on pills.. yes, but never hanging.  Scary.

The second dream, thank goodness, was not depressing or scary.  I dreamt my wife and I were visiting my old boss.  But I was naked though out the dream.  I don't remember many details of it, but it was weird that I was walking around naked though out it.  Hmmm.... maybe I'm feeling vulnerable about something.  I was also searching for something again.  Still don't know what I was looking for.  I really wish I could figure that out.

Afraid

Why are we afraid of our thoughts?  Why do we over think everything before we speak?  I know some people always speak with out thinking, but there are some of us that are always in our head.  We over analyze and censor ourselves.  We rethink everything.  We rerun events in our head until it becomes twisted and we get depressed or miss read. Why are we so afraid of what people are going to think?  Has society done this to us?  We should be able to speak to our friends, our family, our loved ones without worry of judgement.  If someone loves us.... truly loves us... they should love us no matter what.... unconditionally... without judgement.  But we stay silent.  Fear of judgement, fear of being abandoned, fear of loosing that love.  I wish we could change.  I wish we could speak without fear.  I wish we could just get out of our heads.  We all know that no one is perfect.  Most of us cling to each other due to our similar imperfections.  So why is it so hard?

I message with a friend/coworker at work everyday, and everyday I start typing something to tell her and delete because I'm afraid of what she will think.  She is the one I have opened up to the most.  She knows almost everything about me.  Yet there are things I still am afraid to tell her.  Why?  I want to tell her that as weird as it is I would love to have tan lines from wearing a bikini.   But I can't.  I don't know why.  If anyone can find a fix for this over thinking silence, please share.

Down the Rabbit Hole

In my past I have done a few extra curricular activities.  I have been thinking about some of the times I did them and figured I would write about them.

My first experience was with acid.  My best friend from High School convinced me to do it when I was on break my freshman year of College.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, but I figured what's the harm in a little experimentation.  I do not remember all the events of that evening but a few.  I remember putting the acid paper on my tongue.  Then as we waited for the effects to start we played 1080 (a snow boarding game on the N64).  As we played the effects of the acid started.  I remember thinking the snow was coming out of the TV.  It was an amazing feeling.  My friend showed me the true reason for black light paintings.  They were moving.  I felt like I could see the music and taste the colors.  He put on a Homer Simpson mask and I could have sworn he had transformed into Homer Simpson.  It was wild.  I remember not wanting to look in the mirror.  Not sure why... I think my friend was trying to convince me not too.  I remember looking out the window into his back yard and seeing 9 naked women dancing around a fire.  I convinced him to go outside with me and try to find them.  They disappeared.  I don't remember anything else from that night.

When I started working at an outdoor theatre in NC, ecstasy was popular and my second summer there, I was convinced to try it.  I was surrounded by friends and felt it was safe.  Everyone was giving me tips to make the most out of the experience and to be safe.  They also made sure there were a few sober people to make sure everyone was ok. I remember being handed the pill and taking it with a glass of water.  I was sitting on a couch and was told to relax and let it start.  I remember starting to feel it work in my hands.... like a warm wave.  Then my eyes started fluttering.  I felt warm and happy.  I couldn't sit still.  I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time.  No matter where I went there was always someone making sure I was hydrated.  I went out of the house onto the beach and felt the sand beneath my feet and in between my toes.  It felt so amazing.  Everyone was hugging each other and it felt so good to give and receive hugs.  One of the guys told me that frosting tastes amazing on the tongue.  He put some frosting in his mouth then kissed me with it and massaged my tongue with his.  This was the first time I kissed another guy.  It felt so good.  I didn't want to stop, but I did.  As the night progressed, all the water made me have to pee.  So I went to the bathroom to pee and there were 6 people in the shower, all naked.  They invited me to join them.  I had never been in a shower with other people before.  I was trying so hard not to stare at their naked bodies.  Most of them were dancers, so they had amazing bodies.  My hand grazed one of the guy's penis and I got shivers up and down my spine.  It was too much for me so I got out of the shower and dried off.  Soon after that a bunch of people decided to walk to the theatre and walk around it naked.  I figured hay why not.  So off to the theatre we went.  We stayed there until just before sunrise.  As the sun was coming up, I walked back to the house and then headed back to my apartment.  That was an amazing night.  I was hooked.

I became addicted to ecstasy.  I loved the feeling it gave me.  I remember almost all the times I "rolled", but some just come in flashes of one part of that night.  Here are a few more nights that stand out:

One summer at the outdoor theatre, my best friend came down to visit.  He brought some "e" with him and a couple of tabs of acid.  He sold the "e" to my normal rolling group and the acid was for me and him to candy flip (ecstasy and acid).  This was my first time candy flipping.  It was crazy.  The events of the night didn't seem to be sequential.  It was like one second it was 9pm at night then 3 am then 11pm.  Time seemed to just jump around.  I remember when the effects started.  I was sitting on the porch and all of a sudden the grain of the wood started pulsing.  The best part of candy flipping is not only do you see things because of the acid, you have the energy to go after the things due to the "e".    I remember walking down to the beach and thinking I saw a bunch of people having an orgy.  It was just rocks, but it seemed real.  Most of the night I couldn't think straight.... I was like a 5 year old again... it was so fun and I had no worries or inhibitions.

When I was in college, I used to roll with a girl and her boyfriend a lot.  They were the first ones I sort of outed myself to.  It used to be great times.  We would listen to Sublime and play Uno waiting for the effects to start.  FYI it is so hard to concentrate on playing Uno when you are rolling.  It was interesting rolling with them.  I felt very comfortable with them.  She showed me how she used a back massager to masturbate.  We would all get naked and play cards.  I would play dress up in her clothes.  One night, when my now ex wife was visiting we rolled with them and my friends sister and husband.  That night was very sexual.  That was the first time I had sex in front of anyone.  My ex made out with my friends sister.  My ex couldn't get enough of going down on me.  Stupidly we left before I realized we could of had an orgy. 

Another rolling night happened at Boo Bash in 2003.  A bunch of us decided to go and roll.  We dressed up as catholic school girls.  Out of all of us, I was the most passable as a girl.  To the point I was able to go into the girls bathroom without question.  I almost got in trouble for being in the men's bathroom because one of the security guards thought I was really a girl.  That was a great night.  I felt free and felt like a woman.

Another interesting night was rolling with my best friend's daughters mother.  They lived together but were not together.  I ended up sleeping with her that night.  I unfortunately did that because I wanted to be closer to my best friend.  I think that was the only time rolling that I did something I regretted.  I almost destroyed our friendship.  It took years to get our friendship back.

There are many more nights I could write about, but I will stop for now here.  I hope to soon roll again with my wife and one of my best friends.  That will hopefully be a fun night.  We shall see.

Thoughts

So I'm sure I have mentioned this in a previous post, but I have been noticing a significant change in the way I look at people.  For example, yesterday on my way home from work I saw a very cute girl crossing the street.  She was wearing a tank top and short shorts.  The first thought that popped into my head was "So not fair, I wish I had her body."  Then last night as I was walking to class, I was behind another cute girl.  I looked at her butt and again the first thought that popped into my head was "I wish my butt looked like hers."

Am I getting less sexually attracted to women?  The more I look at women, the more I want to be them than be with them.  Here is my sequence of thoughts when I see a cute/pretty/beautiful woman:

1.  Wow, I wish I had her body
2.  Cute outfit, I wish I could wear that.
3.  Cute shoes, so jealous I can't wear those
4.  Love the hair style, I wish I could do that.
5.  Nice butt, I wish my butt looked like that
6.  Nice breasts, I wish I had breasts.

That's it.  Not once do I think that I want to be with her.  I don't think about having sex with them.  I want to be them.  I just really want to be a woman.  I hate being a man.  I get jealous of women for being women.  The softer features, the cute clothes, the cute shoes, the ability to wear makeup and paint their nails, the ability to give birth and bring life into the world.  I'm envious of how woman to woman friendships are so much closer than any man to man friendships.  I just wish I were a woman.

Warm Weather

So the weather is turning warmer.  It's supposed to be in the high 80's today.  I love the warm weather except for one thing.  I can't wear a bra.  Too noticeable if I'm not wearing my fleece and too warm to wear a fleece.  I feel so naked not wearing one.  It feels weird.  I wish I had the courage to not care what people think.  I like the support they give and how it accents my breasts. 

Oh well what can I do?  Just grin and bear it.  I feel as exposed as I do when going swimming.  I hate just wearing swim trunks.  I also feel exposed then.  I want to be wearing a bikini top, but can't because I am still male on the outside.  If other men only understood how supportive and comfortable they can be.  I think clothing should all be unisex and I wish people weren't so judgmental and cruel so people like me can feel comfortable to wear what ever we want.  Maybe someday.

Dreams Last Night

So it was a rarity that I had a dream last night that I remember.  Usually no nicotine patch, no dreams.  But I had one last night.  It was very weird but again all my dreams are weird.  I was searching for something again.  Not sure what it was.  I was in a high school.  I was with my wife, but she wasn't my wife.  In my dream I was married to my friend Erin.  But we were both girls.  Not surprising.  I remember running up and down the halls searching every locker and class room, not finding whatever it was I was looking for.  Then the dream shifted to us being at a BMX arena.  As we entered there, I woke up because I was sleeping in bed with my wife and she woke me because I was snoring.

I moved to our spare room and went back to sleep.  I actually started dreaming again.  This time it was like a what if dream.  I dreamt that my life took a different course and I dated & married my friend Erin.  She never joined the army.  I never went to work in North Carolina.  It seemed we gave into her families pressure for us to get together and get married.  We had two kids, both girls.  She was very supportive of my desires to be a woman and convinced me to actually go through the change.  My dream skipped a few years and we were very happy together.  I had completed my transformation and was amazingly passable as a woman.  It didn't bother Erin at all.  In fact we were about the same size so it worked for us sharing clothes.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up.  Very interesting.

Inspiring

I found this video awhile ago on youtube and was inspired that such a manly looking man could go through with HRT and look so good as a woman.

Born This Way

Lady Gaga is very inspiring to me:

"Born This Way"

[Intro:]
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were born this way, baby

[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag ‒ just be a queen [x3]
Don't be!

[Verse:]
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

[Repeat chorus + post-chorus]

[Bridge:]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

[Repeat chorus + post-chorus]

[Outro/refrain:]
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

[Fade away:]
Same DNA, but born this way.
Same DNA, but born this way.

Double Standards

I don't seem to understand the double standards in gender.  Why are certain things okay for women, but not for men and certain things okay for men and not for women. 

Okay for women not men: Why is okay for women to wear men's clothes, but not okay for men to wear women's clothes?  If women can wear pants then men should be able to wear skirts.  If women have the male equivalent of underwear, why can't men have the woman's equivalent of underwear?  Women can wear just about any type of footwear and men are limited to flat shoes (either dress, sneakers, boots, boring sandals).  Heels were originally worn by men, but now we can't wear them.  Also how come the lower back tattoo is mainly only for women, why can't men get them too?  Why is okay for women to shave their legs, but not men.  Why is makeup okay for women but not men.

Okay for men not women: Why is okay for men to go topless, but not women?  It's okay for woman to show their breasts as long as their nipple is covered.  Why?  Why aren't men's nipples considered sexual but women's are?  Why are certain jobs okay for men, but not okay for women?  Women are just as strong and just as smart, if not more than a man, but they are frowned upon.

Society seems really messed up when it comes to gender equality.  Especially when it comes to clothing.  I don't think it's fair.  Many fashions that women wear today used to be men's, but somewhere in the past someone decided it was only to be a woman that could wear those items.  Men used to wear skirts, heels, make-up, carry purses, etc.  When did this change?? Why did this change?? It seemed easy to switch from being men's fashion to women's, but nearly impossible to change back.  WTF.  Why?

I want to be able to wear heeled shoes, skirts, make-up and carry a purse without getting made fun of, looked at weird or ridiculed.  I find heeled shoes to be easier to drive in and fashionable.  Skirts are more freeing, especially since men have a body part hanging between their legs.  Make-up would help cover up blemishes and nail polish would allow us to express ourselves more.  And purses are very practical.  It hurts having a wallet in my back pocket.  We carry much more stuff these days and a purse would be so handy.  Carrying wallets, business cards, phones, keys, check books, sunglasses, iPods, etc.

Why are men so afraid to wear these fashions?  Why are they scared of what people think?  When did it only become okay for men to be manly men and chauvinistic.  Ugh.

New Clothing

On Saturday my wife wanted to order some sport bras and exercise shorts from Victoria Secret.  She usually lets me get something for myself whenever she orders.  I had a hard time picking out something.  It is very hard feeling like a woman but unable to wear women's clothes.  There is only so much that could be passable for a man to wear.  After about a half hour I decided on new bra's.  I have a couple that have worn out.  I looked through the ones on sale and finally settled on two.

I picked black for the color and my wife wouldn't let me do that.  She said that black was too boring.  So one is burgundy and the other is bright purple.  The burgundy is a T-shirt push-up and the bright purple is a demi.  The pushup was a new style that I haven't gotten before.  It had pads in it to give additional lift.  When I wore it yesterday, I was a little self conscious that someone would notice that I had breasts or was wearing a bra.  Luckily it appeared no one noticed.  But boy did I notice.  This bra really lifted and pushed up my breasts.  It gave me a nice cleavage.  I was amazed.  I wear a size 38B.  At least to Vicki's standard.  I fill most bras but never with noticeable cleavage.  This was amazing.  If I unbuttoned the top three buttons on my shirt and looked down I actually had noticeable breasts. 

Also on Tuesday I had to go to Walgreens to pick up aloe for my wife.  While there I saw they had the new Axe body spray for women.  I have been dying to try it.  So I picked that up.  I have used it the past two days and I love smelling pretty.

So just a style recap, here is what I'm wearing / doing to sort of indulge my womanly desires.  I shave my legs, arms, chest, stomach, and butt.  I paint my toe nails.  I wear woman's socks and underwear.  I wear bra's when it's cooler out to be hidden under my fleece.  I keep my finger nails fairly long.  I wear women's dress boots.  On the weekends I wear women's jeans.  I am growing my hair out and keeping it styled down.  Sometimes when driving into work, I will wear heals and change before I get out of the car.  It's these little things that help me stay sane.  I hate being male.  I hate my male appearance.  Any chance I get to feminize, I take it.

I'm currently looking for girlish sunglasses and woman's sandals that can pass as men's.  I would love to find some woman's dress shirts and dress pants that could be passable as men's.  I hate men's clothes and hope to someday not wear a stitch of it.

Here are the two bras I got:

Not much to say

Quick post today as it has been a busy day.  Being 3 days back as a smoker, my emotional state has leveled out.  I am sleeping good as of last night.  No dreams but restful.  I hope to right more tomorrow.

Number 100

This is officially my 100th posting.  I have 54 posting on Live Journal and now this is the 46th post on Blogger.  I never thought I would ever write this much.  But all this writing has helped me.  It has given me an outlet to talk of my desires to become a woman.  It has given me a place to share my journey.  It has given me the opportunity to write down and analyze my dreams.  It has helped me deal with my emotions.  I have become more honest with my self. 

I hope that someone who is also struggling with gender identity will read these post and realize that they are not alone.  There are many of us out there.  Some with the strength and support to correct their gender identity and others like me who struggle with it, not having the strength to come out to everyone and pursue the full change. 

I have had many ups and downs in this journey.  I have been giddy as a school girl when friends I have shared my secret with have accepted me.  I have been close to ending my life due to my inner demons. 

Life is a roller coaster ride.  I just try to remember every time I hit a low, I can always climb up.  If I'm not strong enough to climb up on my own, I have friends that will pull me up.

I just want to thank one friend in particular for helping me by convincing me to write.  She has endured a lot from me through this.  I know I have burdened her a lot with this secret.  She has stood strong by my side.  She has saved me more times than I can count. 

Thank you.

Certain Men

What is wrong with some men??  They are giving other men a bad name.  The other night I was watching "Hardcore Pawn" on TruTV and in the episode was a young guy that was treating his girlfriend like property.  Making her stand behind him.  Yelling at her when she tried to speak, saying men are talking.  WTF.  And the way the guys I work with talk about women like they were made to serve them.  Again WTF??  Hearing and seeing men act like this, just makes me want to be a woman more so I won't be associated with them.  Why do some men feel they need to be superior to women?  In my opinion woman are stronger, wiser, and more superior.  They bring life into this world.  They put up with stupid discrimination and still persevere.   Every time I hear a man put down a woman and treat her like property, I just want to hit the man.  You don't treat women like that.  Without women, society would fall apart and die off.  I am just sick of macho womanizing men.  Ugh.

Hating a Part of Me

There is a part of my body that I hate.  I only hate it because it is a part of me.  I do not hate this body part on other people.  It is my penis.  I hate it.  It is a constant reminder that I am a man.  I hate it to the point that I've had dreams where I've cut it off.  There are times that I will tape it up inside me so I can experience what it is like to not have one.  But unfortunately after a while the tape makes my skin raw.  I hate having it between my legs.  I hate when it gets hard.  The only good thing about having a penis is peeing standing up.  That's it.  I would give that up in a heart beat for it to be gone. 

Dream On by Aerosmith

*This song helps get me through some tough days*

Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
Is books written pages
Live and learn from fools and
From sages
You know it's true, oh
All these things you do come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.

Vice or the end

I have been trying to quit smoking for about 2 or 3 months.  I was mentally in a very good spot to be successful.  Unfortunately my wife was getting stressed.  As I started to quit...she was begging for a smoke.  This made it very difficult for me.  I'm weak.  Even though my body was getting the nicotine it needed to not have a cigarette, I still had the urge for the habit.  Every time my wife asked for one, I had one.  I was poisoning myself with nicotine.  This was causing me (I think) to be emotionally unstable.  I really think it was one of the causes.  This Saturday the unstableness came to a head.  My wife and I started arguing.  She had been pushing my buttons all afternoon.  By dinner time I got pissed and was being an asshole.  Not being able to take it anymore I almost slit my wrists in front of her at the dinner table.  I almost couldn't stop myself.  I felt like I was on auto pilot, watching myself, but unable to stop.  My wife luckily talked me down and took the knife.  We decided I was no longer stable enough to quit smoking at this moment in time.  That I should try again in a month or two.  Just need to get stable again. 

Difficulties

I struggle everyday with my desires to be a woman and my natural appearance as a man.  I truly feel that I have a woman's mind, a woman's soul, and a woman's spirit.  I'm just stuck in this man's body.  I wish I could make my outward appearance match my feminine mind/soul/spirit.  I unfortunately can only do so much before I draw attention to myself.

And being as introverted as I am, I don't like drawing attention to myself.  I feel odd always wearing pants and dress shirts.  I want to be wearing skirts and blouses.  I feel exposed if I'm not wearing a bra.  I feel hideous if my legs/arms/chest aren't shaved.  I love leaving my hair down.  I hate the smell of men's deodorants and body sprays... I want to smell pretty.  I hate men's footwear.  I want to wear heels, wedges, flats, etc.  I wish I could wear makeup.  I wish I could paint my fingernails.  I wish I could show off my painted toenails.  I would be such a girly girl.  I would dress up to the nines.  I feel so exposed when I just wear men's swim trunks.  I feel I should have my breasts covered by a bikini top.  It is so hard feeling this way.  I wish I could just be the true me.

Maybe the Last 2 Dreams for awhile

We it is official... I have quit quitting smoking.  Without a vice, I was becoming emotionally unstable.  After an argument with my wife, we both decided it would be better if I stopped trying to quit right now and try again later.  The upside is I will hopefully balance myself back out.  The down side is no more vivid dreams.  These were the last dreams I will probably have for a while. 

The first dream centered around a zombie apocalypse.   We were held up in a high school.  There were seven of us in the group held up in the high school.  4 girls (I was one of them) and 3 guys (the monsterman from the new syfy series was one of them).  We were wiring up the school with sensors and electric fences.  We thought the school hadn't been breached.  Unfortunately some of the details had faded since this was dreamt on Saturday night.  I remember running and screaming.  And as we were about to be over run by the zombies I woke up to a noise in the house.

Finally falling asleep again, my dream shifted.  I dreamt I was at some camp.  I was involved in some contest similar to a scavenger hunt.  Most details of this dream are gone except I was a shemale.  I remember being mostly a woman, but I still had my penis and I was trying to keep it concealed.   That's all I remember.  I wish I would have written these down yesterday.  :(