Been Awhile

I know it has been a while since I have written.  Life and work have been busy for me.  Now to try to remember what has happened since last I wrote... hmmmm.

I've talked to my mom more about my transition.  Tried to explain it better for her to understand.  She is slowly understanding.  She is still fearful of my grandmother and great aunt finding out.  They are very religious and very old school.  Showed her the picture of me standing at the train station on my way to the pride parade in NYC dressed as a woman.  She seemed to handle it ok.  She made me show my father, he was hard to read on what he thought.  She also told my sister about the picture and so I showed her the pic last week.  She thought I looked cute.  She loved the shoes I had on.

A couple of weekends ago I got to hang out with my friend M.  We haven't hung out in several years but have been chatting on Google+.  My wife, myself, her and her fiance went out to dinner and then hung out at their place.  It was nice catching up over dinner.  This is the first time I got to really talk with her fiance.... he is really nice and easy to talk to.  After dinner we went back to their place to hang out.  M had me bring my makeup stuff with me so she could help me with some makeup techniques.  She was a big help.  We took the lesson nice and slow.  She had me apply the makeup while she explained how to apply it and why to do it a certain way.  I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.   I haven't had a chance to practice since then, but it is still fresh in my mind.  But if I forget she has offered to show me again, any time I need it.  The makeup techniques she showed me were more of a natural everyday makeup instead of a going out at night makeup. The makeup came out good.  She didn't have me apply much foundation or powder, which I think I need to apply more than normal right now since I have such a heavy five o'clock shadow.   Can't wait to practice more.  After the makeup lesson we sat and talked.  Getting caught up from the years apart.  Can't wait to hang out with her and her fiance again.  I hope we don't lose touch again.

January 4th is approaching quickly.  That is my first appointment with an endocrinologist to see about starting hormones.  I am scared and excited about this.  Excited that I'm taking the next step in my transition to be who I really am.  Scared that once the hormones start working and I start having visible changes that I will have to be fully out and still not sure how work will react.  Technically they can't fire me over it since we are in CT and there are anti discrimination laws against firing someone who is transgender.  Still scary, but I need to take this next step.

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I will probably not get a chance to write again until after my endocrinologist appointment.  If I don't Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.

Anything Other Than Straight (Link)

http://www.danoah.com/2012/11/anything-other-than-straight.html

A Year in Review

It has been a little over a year since I had admitted to myself that I was trans*.  It was a year two Sunday's ago that I came out to one of my best friends.  Looking back I don't think I would have believed how far I have come.  And it has been a roller coaster ride.  Starting off slow with just talking about how I felt and starting to write about it.  Getting myself to be comfortable with who I really am.  It has been a long journey and no where near the end of the journey.  There have been good moments and bad.  Some of the good was having one of my best friends dressing me up for the first time and her doing my makeup.  Going to the pride parade in NYC, fully dressed as a woman.  Starting therapy to help me communicate with my wife and be able to slowly face my fears.  Some of the bad was hiding my blogs from my wife and being made fun of by random people outside of a Pizza Hut.  But every journey has it's highs and lows.  So I will enjoy the highs and work through the lows because this journey is worth it.  I need to be me.

I still can't believe how far I have come in a year.  Starting with no one knowing and me being ashamed of who I am.  Now more people know than don't know and the circle keeps growing.  I have embraced who I am.  I'm getting more daring of wearing more woman's clothes out of the house.  I am more comfortable talking to people about it.  I look forward more and more to being able to be out as myself and dread more and more of having to hide for work and certain family members.  I have made an appointment for a consult to start hormones.  I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

New Clothes

So this past weekend I really needed new jeans, so my wife and I went to Old Navy and I actually found some cute jeans that fit perfectly.  These are the ones I got:

After I got them and of course worn them the rest of the weekend, I thought I really need some new tops.  Cute tops.  So I went online to Old Navy and looked through their shirts.  These are what I ordered and plus some purple tights (everyone needs purple tights ;P):

It all arrived yesterday afternoon.  I could not wait to get home and try on the clothes.  Of course there were two accidents on my way home that delayed me getting home.  But I finally got home and immediately went into the bedroom to try on my new clothes.  Everything fit great and looked great.  My favorites are the plaid shirts.  They are so comfy.  Took me a bit to get them on.... I got to get used to buttons being on the other side of the shirt.  

I decided to be daring and I am wearing the red and white plaid shirt with my new jeans to work. I think today is the first day I have worn all female clothes and not a stitch of male clothing to work.  They are not overly feminine so I don't have to worry about getting weird looks from the guys I work with.  I am just so excited that I am slowly building my new wardrobe.  I can not wait until I have more girl clothes than guy clothes.

Transition Update

It took me a bit to get up the nerve, but I called and scheduled a consult appointment to start on hormones.  My appointment is January 4th.  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  My wife is going to come with me for support.  Yay!!!

Mixed Emotions

I know it is has been awhile since I have written and I'm not writing as often as I was.  Life has been very crazy.  And until recently things were getting kind of stagnant.  Up until this weekend things were going very slow in regards to my transition.  Besides the Halloween party where I was out to everyone at the party and got to be the "Queen of Hearts", not much progress was happening with my transition.  I hadn't been practicing makeup or going out anywhere dressed.  I'd still put on a skirt at home, but that was it.  Just had been too tired to put in the effort with craziness at work and too much to do around the house.  But things are going to start picking up again soon with my transition.  Unfortunately it is due to some bad news my wife and I received on Saturday.

My wife had her annual OBGYN appointment Saturday morning.  Before her annual she had an ultrasound.  Last year her OBGYN had found a Fibroid.  At the time it was nothing to worry about, just something to monitor.  In February, my wife had a follow up ultrasound and they saw the Fibroid had grown.  Not by much but a little.  Again no huge concern, just monitor it and we were told that depending on if it grows more it could impact her getting pregnant if we decided to have kids.  Still at that time she hadn't changed her mind so it was no real concern.  This past Saturday they discovered that her Fibroid has grown a lot (it is almost 10 centimeters) and that she now has other Fibroids.... so instead of one large one, she has one large one and a bunch of little ones.  Due to the size of the large one it will definitely impact her chances of getting pregnant.  If she doesn't have it removed, the chances are slim that she could get pregnant and if by miracle she does, it is highly unlikely that she could carry to term.  Now if she has it removed via surgery, depending on how deep it is, there could be a void left that would also impair her ability to get pregnant or carry to term.  So if she did get pregnant, she has a high chance of miscarrying.  This means we may never be able to have a baby.  It is too risky at this time to even try.  Neither of us could handle loosing a baby.  So we have decided that nature doesn't want us to have kids at the moment.

With that news, it also means that I don't have to wait as long to transition and start hormones.  So instead of waiting another year, I can start in the beginning of next year (if I can find an Endocrinologist).  We are thinking of having some of my sperm frozen, just in case we can have kids.

I am very sad that at this time we just can't have kids, but also happy that I can start hormones much sooner.  I am very conflicted emotionally.  And to put it on the record, I don't blame my wife or hate her or feel any differently towards her.  I love her no matter what.  It is not her fault that nature decided we shouldn't have kids.  Maybe some day we still can.  Who knows maybe someday in the near future science could catch up and they could find a way that I could be the one who gets pregnant.  One never knows what the future holds.

After Halloween Party Update

Saturday was one of my bestfriends' Halloween party.  As I posted before, I was going as the "Queen of Hearts" from "Alice in Wonderland".  The plan for the evening was to be at the party at 6pm to have my hair done and then get my makeup done.  As 6pm was approaching, I was getting very nervous.  I knew that most of the people at the party knew and would be supportive, but I was afraid about the people I didn't know and how they would react.  I was trying very hard to suppress the fear.  My wife and I arrived at the party at 6pm.  As we got there I got a message from the friend that was supposed to be doing my hair.  She was running late.  She didn't arrive until 7:40pm.  That gave me an additional hour and 40 mins to either muster up the courage or let the fear take hold.  Luckily I mustered up the courage.  Thanks to having such thick hair, it took about an hour for her to do my hair.  Here are a couple pics of the process:

Once my hair was done, it was time for makeup.  That took about a half hour.  We decided to go a bit simpler on the makeup than originally planned.  Here is a pic of the completed makeup and hair:

Once the hair and makeup were done it was time to get dressed.  Once I was dressed the nerves and fear started to get to me.  I didn't want to leave the room I was in and join the party.  I was scared.  My wife went and got one of my friends and they both dragged me out of the room to the back porch.  No lights were on the back porch so we stood in the darkness for me to have a cigarette.  So I was outside, no one could really see me so I could get my courage back up.  Once I was done with the cigarette, I was dragged by another friend to the bonfire around other people.  As I was being dragged, people saw me and I was getting praise at how good I looked.  We ended up stopping and having pictures taken.  Here are a couple of those:

After a bit, I started to become more comfortable being me.  I was so overwhelmed by the support and acceptance of everyone at the party.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that I am so loved by my friends, that they accept me for who I am, no matter what.  We stayed at the party until midnight.  It was such a great night.  Now I can't wait until next year.