Decided To Be Daring

This morning my wife had to go in really early to work.  So I got her up at 5:15am.  I tried to roll over and go back to sleep after waking her, but my mind turned on and wouldn't let me.  Since I was up really early anyway I figured it would be a good day to stop by and check on a friend's house on my way into work (she's on vacation and I have been stopping every other day to get her mail and make sure the house was ok). Seeing how I was not going directly to work and was going to be going somewhere with no one around, I decided to be a bit daring and go to her house dressed in a skirt, my new teal tank top, heels, hoop earrings, hair down, and push-up bra.  I was all girled out.  Leaving the house my heart was racing as I hoped not to be seen by my neighbors.  They are young redneck grease monkey types and I have no idea how they would treat me seeing me dressed as a girl.  But I got in the car with no one seeing me and headed to my friend's house.  It felt so comfortable being dressed the way I was.  I wish I could dress like that all the time, but still not out at work (may never be out at work due to the type of company I work for).  I got to her house and got out of the car.  I mustered up a lot of confidence to walk to her mail box and get her mail and go in her house.  No cars passed by so all was good.  Not getting many chances to dress like this, I figured I'd enjoy a few more moments and went out to her back yard and had a cigarette.  I caught a glance of my reflection in the sliding glass door.  I nearly fell over.  I thought I really looked good.  Very passable, especially since I couldn't see my ever so present five o'clock shadow.  Finished my cigarette and it was time for me to change into my normal work clothes and head to work.  Kinda sad, but at least I had a few moments as myself.

Pinterest

I am so addicted to the women’s apparel category on Pinterest.  I see all these cute outfits I wish I could wear.  Hopefully some day I can wear them.  For now I just repin them into my Fashion for Friends board so people don’t know that they are for me.

The Debate

This weekend even though I will not be in NC for a reunion, my wife and I will be going to a friends house for the weekend.  For the past 25 years, this friend has held a weekend party to celebrate his birthday.  I have been going for the past 7 years.  He is a theater techie and most of the people that will be there are people I used to work with when I was in theater.  The debate is whether or not to come out to them.  They are friends, but I don't see them much anymore.  Most theater people are very open minded, but techies are very hard to read.  It could go over well or it could not.  I acknowledge the fear is talking when I'm worried it won't go over well.  But is this the right setting to come out to them?  Does it matter if they know?  Maybe like everyone else, they know and are just waiting for me to say it.  Should I go with my toes painted or should I remove my nail polish and just be the old reserved me.  I'm not sure.  Part of me thinks they won't care, another part of me worries they will make fun of me.  Ugh.  I hate when I have this debate going on in my head.  Maybe I should just go with my toes painted and if someone says something that could be the ice breaker?  At least I have till Friday to decide.

Feeling a bit sad

As this weekend draws closer, the sadder I get.  This weekend marks the 75th anniversary of an outdoor theater I worked at.  I spent four summers there.  It was like a home away from home.  Over those four summers I grew as a person.  Learned many things about myself.  I also made many friends who I consider family.  For the past 10 years, I have tried to go back to visit.  Every year I let life get in the way.  This year was supposed to be different.  This year I was going and many of my friends were going to be there for the huge reunion celebration.  But as plans for the reunion were finalizing, life was getting in the way again.  There was no way I could afford to go down for it.  It would have cost about $1000 for hotel, gas, food, etc.  So I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going.  Now as the weekend draws closer, my facebook is lite up with hopes from friends to see me, and I have to tell them I won't be there.  It's hard.  I miss them so much.  Many of us are spread across the country so getting everyone together is usually not possible.  I hope when the 80th anniversary comes around, I will finally stand up and not let life get in the way.  Not sure if anyone I know will be going to that one.  I hope so.  That will be 15 years without seeing many of these friends.  Those four years will always be in my heart.

School forced to allow transgender pupil, 16, to sit exam in a skirt (Link)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/9419577/School-forced-to-allow-transgender-pupil-16-to-sit-exam-in-a-skirt.html

Camp Aranu’tiq: A place where transgender youth can be themselves (Link)

http://sdgln.com/social/2012/07/20/camp-aranu-tiq-place-transgender-youth-can-be-themselves

Dreams, Fears and What Not....

Dreams....
Lately I been having dreams again that I vaguely remember.  Last night I had two.. the first I dreamed that I failed my Real Estate exam again and I got fired because of it.  That scared me as in less than a week I retake the general section of the Real Estate exam.  Then I had another dream where I was turning into a bear.  Really weird.  I don't remember much of it but I do remember I was slowly changing.  I woke up as I was growing bear fur.  I wonder what that dream means.

Fears....
This morning as I was getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror.  I was only wearing a bra and panties.  As I looked in the mirror, a fear came over me.  As I have not started HRT yet, I am still very male.  And my reflection was just of a man wearing a bra and panties.  It was saddening.  I started to worry that even when I start HRT that I will never look feminine.  I'm afraid I will always look as a man in woman's clothes.  I want to be a woman so bad.  I want people to look at me and have no doubt of me being a woman.  I fear that it won't happen.  It has got me in a funk this morning.  Yesterday I watched some YouTube videos of people's transition slide shows.  Showing how they looked before HRT and then the progression of each month on HRT.  A majority looked amazing.  Like you would never tell now that they were ever male.  I want to be like them.  I want to be a pretty woman.  I hate dysphoria.

What Not....
I have been out to a lot of people in the last month or so.  I'm a little disappointed that I really haven't gotten any questions.  I know that many transgender people don't want people asking them questions, but I actually do.  I'm surprised my parents or my sister hasn't asked me anything about being Trans*.  They don't have the links to my blogs so they can't read about what I'm going through.  Maybe they just need time to process it.  Or maybe they are ignoring it.  I don't know.  I welcome the questions.  I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become with myself and being able to express myself.  Granted, writing is so much easier because it gives me more time to think, but I want to be open about everything.  The more open I am, the less I hide.  The less I hide, the more I can be my true self.  On my tumblr blog, it gives people the option to ask questions.  I get none.  I watch others get asked all sorts of questions, me nothing.  I want to talk to people.  I need to talk to people.

Now a happy note....
My new clothes should arrive today.  I hope they fit.  I look forward to the day when I can actually go into a store and try on the clothes I want instead of ordering online and not knowing if they will fit or not.  Also I got my new woman's watch last night.  It's cute.  Much smaller/sleeker, more feminine.  I wore it to work today.  I wonder if anyone will really notice I'm wearing a woman's watch.  Probably not.  Oh well.