Number 100

This is officially my 100th posting.  I have 54 posting on Live Journal and now this is the 46th post on Blogger.  I never thought I would ever write this much.  But all this writing has helped me.  It has given me an outlet to talk of my desires to become a woman.  It has given me a place to share my journey.  It has given me the opportunity to write down and analyze my dreams.  It has helped me deal with my emotions.  I have become more honest with my self. 

I hope that someone who is also struggling with gender identity will read these post and realize that they are not alone.  There are many of us out there.  Some with the strength and support to correct their gender identity and others like me who struggle with it, not having the strength to come out to everyone and pursue the full change. 

I have had many ups and downs in this journey.  I have been giddy as a school girl when friends I have shared my secret with have accepted me.  I have been close to ending my life due to my inner demons. 

Life is a roller coaster ride.  I just try to remember every time I hit a low, I can always climb up.  If I'm not strong enough to climb up on my own, I have friends that will pull me up.

I just want to thank one friend in particular for helping me by convincing me to write.  She has endured a lot from me through this.  I know I have burdened her a lot with this secret.  She has stood strong by my side.  She has saved me more times than I can count. 

Thank you.

Certain Men

What is wrong with some men??  They are giving other men a bad name.  The other night I was watching "Hardcore Pawn" on TruTV and in the episode was a young guy that was treating his girlfriend like property.  Making her stand behind him.  Yelling at her when she tried to speak, saying men are talking.  WTF.  And the way the guys I work with talk about women like they were made to serve them.  Again WTF??  Hearing and seeing men act like this, just makes me want to be a woman more so I won't be associated with them.  Why do some men feel they need to be superior to women?  In my opinion woman are stronger, wiser, and more superior.  They bring life into this world.  They put up with stupid discrimination and still persevere.   Every time I hear a man put down a woman and treat her like property, I just want to hit the man.  You don't treat women like that.  Without women, society would fall apart and die off.  I am just sick of macho womanizing men.  Ugh.

Hating a Part of Me

There is a part of my body that I hate.  I only hate it because it is a part of me.  I do not hate this body part on other people.  It is my penis.  I hate it.  It is a constant reminder that I am a man.  I hate it to the point that I've had dreams where I've cut it off.  There are times that I will tape it up inside me so I can experience what it is like to not have one.  But unfortunately after a while the tape makes my skin raw.  I hate having it between my legs.  I hate when it gets hard.  The only good thing about having a penis is peeing standing up.  That's it.  I would give that up in a heart beat for it to be gone. 

Dream On by Aerosmith

*This song helps get me through some tough days*

Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
Is books written pages
Live and learn from fools and
From sages
You know it's true, oh
All these things you do come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.

Vice or the end

I have been trying to quit smoking for about 2 or 3 months.  I was mentally in a very good spot to be successful.  Unfortunately my wife was getting stressed.  As I started to quit...she was begging for a smoke.  This made it very difficult for me.  I'm weak.  Even though my body was getting the nicotine it needed to not have a cigarette, I still had the urge for the habit.  Every time my wife asked for one, I had one.  I was poisoning myself with nicotine.  This was causing me (I think) to be emotionally unstable.  I really think it was one of the causes.  This Saturday the unstableness came to a head.  My wife and I started arguing.  She had been pushing my buttons all afternoon.  By dinner time I got pissed and was being an asshole.  Not being able to take it anymore I almost slit my wrists in front of her at the dinner table.  I almost couldn't stop myself.  I felt like I was on auto pilot, watching myself, but unable to stop.  My wife luckily talked me down and took the knife.  We decided I was no longer stable enough to quit smoking at this moment in time.  That I should try again in a month or two.  Just need to get stable again. 

Difficulties

I struggle everyday with my desires to be a woman and my natural appearance as a man.  I truly feel that I have a woman's mind, a woman's soul, and a woman's spirit.  I'm just stuck in this man's body.  I wish I could make my outward appearance match my feminine mind/soul/spirit.  I unfortunately can only do so much before I draw attention to myself.

And being as introverted as I am, I don't like drawing attention to myself.  I feel odd always wearing pants and dress shirts.  I want to be wearing skirts and blouses.  I feel exposed if I'm not wearing a bra.  I feel hideous if my legs/arms/chest aren't shaved.  I love leaving my hair down.  I hate the smell of men's deodorants and body sprays... I want to smell pretty.  I hate men's footwear.  I want to wear heels, wedges, flats, etc.  I wish I could wear makeup.  I wish I could paint my fingernails.  I wish I could show off my painted toenails.  I would be such a girly girl.  I would dress up to the nines.  I feel so exposed when I just wear men's swim trunks.  I feel I should have my breasts covered by a bikini top.  It is so hard feeling this way.  I wish I could just be the true me.

Maybe the Last 2 Dreams for awhile

We it is official... I have quit quitting smoking.  Without a vice, I was becoming emotionally unstable.  After an argument with my wife, we both decided it would be better if I stopped trying to quit right now and try again later.  The upside is I will hopefully balance myself back out.  The down side is no more vivid dreams.  These were the last dreams I will probably have for a while. 

The first dream centered around a zombie apocalypse.   We were held up in a high school.  There were seven of us in the group held up in the high school.  4 girls (I was one of them) and 3 guys (the monsterman from the new syfy series was one of them).  We were wiring up the school with sensors and electric fences.  We thought the school hadn't been breached.  Unfortunately some of the details had faded since this was dreamt on Saturday night.  I remember running and screaming.  And as we were about to be over run by the zombies I woke up to a noise in the house.

Finally falling asleep again, my dream shifted.  I dreamt I was at some camp.  I was involved in some contest similar to a scavenger hunt.  Most details of this dream are gone except I was a shemale.  I remember being mostly a woman, but I still had my penis and I was trying to keep it concealed.   That's all I remember.  I wish I would have written these down yesterday.  :(