Wishful Thoughts

During my lunch today I had an interesting/wishful thought.  What if time travel were possible?  What would I do if I could time travel?  Two thoughts popped into my head.

1.  Travel back to when I was a lot younger and convince myself that I should go with my feelings and tell my parents that I want to transition into a girl.  I'd go back to pre-puberty so that way the physical transition would be a little easier.  I wonder how much my life would be changed by that.  Would I have the same friends?  Would I of had a happier time growing up? 

2.  Travel back to when I was born.  Force an accident during my circumcision that would have forced my manhood to be removed and maybe brought up as a girl instead.

Not sure which would be better.  I just hate being male and now at 33 years old to come to my senses to want to transition into being a woman.

Exercising

Yesterday evening I finally set up the treadmill my parents gave me.  While my wife was in the shower, I changed into shorts and a t shirt.  I went down into the basement and turned on the treadmill.  It felt so good to start exercising again.  However I noticed two things:  1. my shorts were way too long and chaffing 2. my boobs were bouncing and hurting.  I know I don't have much in the sense of boobs (about a 38B), but they were bouncing and hurting.  After I finished exercising, I decided I needed exercise clothes, especially a sport bra to keep my boobs from bouncing around.  I went on to Victoria's Secret site and ordered my self a cute sports bra and exercise shorts.  I can not wait until tomorrow when they come in.  The only fear I have with exercising is that what boobs I have may go away as I loose weight.  Fingers crossed that doesn't happen.

Not a Real Girl

This past weekend was an amazing time with good friends.  At least until the end of the weekend.  As I went to pick up breakfast with one of my friends, she made a comment that bothered me.  We were sitting in the diner waiting for our large to go order and she started talking about a camping trip.  She said it's an all girls weekend and my wife could come, but it is only for real girls.  I know that I am not a real girl.  I know I still look like a male on the outside.  She knows that I desire to become a girl, but that comment really hurt.  It's like, gee thanks for pointing out that I'm still male on the outside.  I wanted to tell her that if there is an event that is all girls and I'm not invited... please don't tell me about it.  I wish she knew how hard it is for me.  Growing up a majority of my friends have been girls and it hurts when I get excluded because of me being male.  It's not my fault I was born in the wrong body.  It just eats at me.  Comments like that and being left out makes me want to pursue going through the transition even more.  But it does have me wonder too.  If I went through the transition and became a woman, would I still be included?  Would I be treated as a "real girl" by them for these types of things or will they still exclude me because I would have been once male?  I'm a little terrified to know that answer.  I don't know why this is eating me up inside so much.  I just want to find a place to belong.  The more I become comfortable with my desire to be a woman the more I feel lost and no longer have a sense of belonging.  I don't fit in with the guys because I don't really like doing guy things.... ie fishing, playing video games, etc.  But I don't fit in with the girls either, I am male and they just see my outward appearance.  Argh... it is so frustrating.  I like girl stuff... shopping, shoes, clothes, makeup, etc.  I like talking about boys and such.  I wish I could just fit in.  I wish......

Drinking

Tonight I have realized why I don't drink much anymore. It's not that I'm drunk, because I'm not. I get into a funk. Get more in my head. I retreat. I hide. Why? I wish I didn't. Oh well.

Ups and Downs

As I become more accepting of myself wanting to become a woman, I have noticed that I have highs and lows of the urges.  There have been times when the urge is not as dominant.  I let the masculine side show through and I am more attracted to women.  But then there are times like I am going through right now.  The urge is very high with me wanting to be a woman.  I am praying and wishing almost every hour for some "magic" (which I know is unrealistic) to change me into a woman.  I look at women and think its not fair that they are female and I am not.  I want to dress more feminine. I can't get the thoughts of being a woman out of my head.  As time has been progressing I have noticed the highs are lasting longer and longer and the lows only last a brief time.

A Night to Remember

Friday night was a night filled with emotions.  I had looked forward to that night for some time.  I was to be one of the girls.  Two of my best friends, a close friend, their friend, my wife and myself went to a casino to see Florence + the Machine.  There were 6 of us going in our group.  I was the only "male".  But I was treated like one of the girls.  We had a dress code theme.... jeans and an interesting shirt.  Knowing I was surrounded by friends and it was to be a girls night, I had enough courage to wear all girls clothing.  I wore my heeled boots, my flare jeans, my favorite bra, and my Pirates of the Caribbean 1/4 sleeve girl shirt.  I also carried my purse.  I was not judged by my friends, but accepted.  It was amazing.  I hope they know how special that night was for me.  I think next year they want me to go full out as a girl.  Hair, make-up, heels, skirt.... the whole 9 yards.  I'm a little nervous and excited for that.  I have gone full out as a girl in about 7 years.  I've got to start really exercising to get back my girlish figure. :)

Knowing

As I was running errands for work, I started thinking.  What if I had accepted earlier in my life what I have accepted now about wanting to be a woman.  How would that have changed my life.  Say I had accepted wanting to be female at say 10 years old.  Would I of had the courage to tell my parents?  Would they have accepted me?  Would they have allowed me to go through the change?  How would my life have changed?  I wish I would have.  I could be the woman I want to be by now.  Taking hormones before puberty would have made things so much easier.  I'm afraid that if I start taking them now, I won't progress as I envisioned.  Would I still have the same friends?  Would I still be working where I am now?  Would I of had some of the same experiences?  So many questions.  I try to stay away from "What If's", but sometimes it's hard.  If anyone reading this is young and contemplating going through the transition, don't hesitate.  Be strong.