A New Beginning

Sometimes you just need to wake up.  You need to be see from an outside perspective of who you have become.  You may not see it or allow yourself to see it.   I didn’t realize how I have spiraled.  I have let the negativity at my work consume me.  And I didn’t do anything to stop it.  I shut down and became complaisant.  I let the depression seep back in and was becoming who I was and lost who I was finally supposed to be.  I have become one who whines and bitches about situations without taking action.  I cared only about avoiding confrontation.  I became a “Whoa is me” person.  I let myself fall without a care.  But no more. My life will not fix itself.  There is no magic button that will fix anything.  I want to be that happy energetic full of life woman I was becoming.  

I hate my job.  I’ve made that clear, but I wasn’t doing anything to make it better.  I just hoped an amazing job would fall in my lap.  That’s not going to happen.  I have to work for it.  So this morning I applied for a couple of jobs and setup accounts on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com.  Every day I will apply to at least 2 or three jobs.  I will make this happen.

I bitch about being broke.  It’s by no one’s fault but my own.  My wife and I make great money.  But we allowed ourselves to live way beyond our means.  We racked up credit card debt without a care.  We took expensive trips to Disney. I always said sure, no problem, just put it on the card.  If we ran out of room on a card, we’d apply for another one.  We have racked up to $87,000 in debt.  That’s almost one full year of both our salaries combined.  We were stupid and irresponsible.  Now we are paying the price.  We are in a debt management program, but still barely seeing the light.  We are no discussing bankruptcy.  Like I said, we make great money but didn’t manage it wisely and it hurt us.  But I plan to work hard and get us out of this.  One way or another.

I’ve lost who I am.  I started this blog as an outlet to write.  To get things off my chest.  To share my journey of transition.  I’ve become a person that just writes two lines bitching about something and never doing anything to fix it.  I’m going to get myself back on track.  No more “Whoa is Me”.  I will share my successes instead of dwelling on failures.  Everyone fails every now and then. I plan to suck it up and fix my life.

I am also going to try to look at the positive of every situation instead of dwelling on the negative.  I get misgendered, but I’m not out full time.  That is my own fault.  If I want to be seen as a woman, I need to show them a woman.  Not just hope it happens.  I bitch about my parents always calling me son and he.  But they have tried.  I need to focus on that.  They have called me daughter from time to time and have called me Bibi.  I know it’s hard as they spent 34 years with a son and now have a daughter.  I need to give them more time and also talk to them.  Not just expect them to know what is going on without explanation.  

Today I am taking the steps to get back on the right path.  To where I’m supposed to be.  And if I falter.   Which I may, I hope I will receive another wake up call until it sinks in my thick skull.  

Today is a new day.  

Today I take back my life.

Self Worth

Why is it so hard for us to see greatness in ourselves?  Why can’t we believe we are good enough? Why is it hard to believe when others say they love us?  Why are we so broken? Has society beaten us down to have no self worth?  When my friends put themselves down, it hurts because I know how amazing they are. But when they try to tell me how good I am, I can never see it.  I can’t see why they love me.  I can’t see that I’m worth it.  But they can’t see it in themselves either.  We tell each other how great the other is, in hopes of them believing even when we don’t.  I want to believe.  I want to feel the love.  I want to see greatness within.  And I want others to see the greatness in themselves.  Everyone I’ve met has greatness in them.  They are amazing parents, the bestest of friends, great singers, great dancers, amazing artists, just down right amazing people.  I try to praise my friends as much as I can because I do see greatness in them even if they can’t.  I hope some day it will finally sink in.  

To steal and modify a quote from Doctor Who: In my 35 years of life, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.

A Dream of the Heart

Ever sit and wonder what your purpose in life is.  Like what path to take.  What are you passionate about?  Are you passionate about anything?  Off and on I ask myself that.  Then not too long ago it hit me.  I felt a huge wave go over me.  I think I have finally discovered my path in life, my passion. Something my heart is telling me I need to do. It may sound crazy or impossible, but I think with a little support and a lot of heart, anything can be possible.  

I want to start a foundation and a private boarding school for LGBT youth.  A place where those who were kicked out of their homes for being themselves can go. Anyone who reaches out in need, no matter where they live, the foundation will pay for them to get to the school.  It would be a place to live and go to school.  A safe place where kids would have a warm bed, food, clothes, and get an education. They would have access to therapy and medical care, if needed. They will have a place to be themselves with no fear.  They would have a supportive environment.  

I would really like this idea to become a reality.  I read of so many stories where parents kick their kids out for being LGBT.  And they don’t have anywhere to go. They end up dropping out of school and living on the streets.  This saddens me so much.  I need to help.  This is where my heart is drawing me.

There are still a lot of details to work out and this is just beginning.  It will take a lot of time, but I really feel I need to do this... one way or another.

Becoming Bibi

After 21 months of blogging, today I decided to change the name of my blog.    ”Who Am I” no longer seems to fit.  I know who I am.  I know who I have always been.  It may have taken me a bit to realize it, but I know now.  

My name is Bibi and I’m a transgender woman.

The 12th Month

Today marks my 12th month on hormones.  I still can't believe how fast the time went by.  Tomorrow I have my quarterly Endo appointment.  I also had to get blood drawn to check levels.  Hoping everything looks ok.  Even with how fast time has been flying the changes have been slow.  I wish I was read as more female than male.  I may ask my Endo about progesterone.  I have had considerable breast growth.  I'm up to a B cup now.  And my butt is a bit rounder and plumper.  I have also become a bit more comfortable in my skin.  I've pretty much stopped hiding who I am except at work.  Even though I'm not out to my whole family, I started wearing nail polish on weekends and they haven't said anything if I see them.  I am so much happier now.  And I've become more out going.  I guess not hiding anymore is a big help.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for me.  Hopefully I get lose the weight I've gained from being on hormones.  I want to see curves.  I will post tomorrow on what happens at my Endo appointment.

Family

I have seen so many posts from people that have lost their family or risk losing their family for transitioning.  It makes me so sad and angry.  Family is supposed to be there for you.  No matter what. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally.  Families should care more about the members of their family that what other people will think.  They shouldn't let their fear of the unknown turn to hate.  No one should be kicked out of their homes, lose their parents, or lose their children.  No one should lose their jobs or their house for wanting to be themselves.  I wish I could take everyone in and show them what love truly is and what family is supposed to be like.  No one should be hurt for wanting to be themselves.  Embrace us, don't push us away.   Families think they failed us for us being who we are. But families are failing us by pushing us away and hating us.  I have been lucky to have a mostly accepting family.  Why can't other families be accepting?  The world needs to change.  It needs to stop living in fear and start living in love.

Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I write.  I know that one of my best friends convinced me to start.  And I began writing on Live Journal.  Just for me to see.  I needed to get my emotions out.  And as I wrote, I felt better.  But something was missing. What is a story without an audience.  What if there were people out there who felt the same way and needed to know that they weren't alone.  So I moved my writing to Blogger.  As my audience grew, I felt the need to touch other people.  I needed to share my story, my life.  I needed a community where I could open my heart.  Where I could share the best of times and the worst of times.  A place where I felt a sense of belonging.  And I found tumblr.  At first I was scared of it. Over time, with the people I touched and those that touched me, I found it to be one of my safe places to be myself and share my story.  Now I am planning on putting my story down into pages of a book. The next chapter of my writing life. Again I feel scared, but to have someone read my story, to feel moved by my words, to feel like they are not alone gives me the strength.

Writing has saved my life.  Getting my emotions out and acknowledging my demons, kept me from bottling up and ending my story, my life.  I have discovered how amazing life can be if you set your words free.  There will always be pain and struggle, but just knowing that you are not alone, gives hope that you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel.