The Loss of a Friend

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night.  It’s so hard losing a friend so young. Even though we only worked together for three summers and then became FB friends, he made such a huge impact on my life.  If it wasn’t for him, I would have never discovered my passion for Lighting and Light Design in theater.  Back in 1999 we both applied to work for an outdoor theater in NC (The Lost Colony).  He applied for lighting and I applied for sound.  Somehow they mixed up our resumes and I got put in lighting and he got put in sound.  We didn’t discover the mix up until a couple weeks into the rehearsal of the show.  But I discovered my love for lights and he discovered his love for sound.  

He was also the first guy I ever kissed.  We were at a party, everyone doing “e” and he kissed me.  I had always been attracted to guys, but had never done anything.  So he gave me that first experience. 

After I had moved back to CT, we lost touch for a while until finding each other on Facebook.    That was about 2 years ago.  Unfortunately he was already diagnosed with brain cancer and had tumors growing.  It was so tough watching him deteriorate these past 2 years.  He had such a beautiful soul.  He always had a positive outlook.  Even to the end.

Now he has taken his final march to a better place.  No more pain.  No more suffering.  He will be remembered.

11 Months

Time seems to be flying.  I can not believe I have been on hormones for 11 months.  Not much has changed physically recently.  I did discover that moving my estrogen patch to a new location, may have not been an all to great idea.  It had it's pluses, certain body parts started working more efficiently again.  Unfortunately I think that was due to not getting as much estrogen in my system.  I think the less estrogen caused my increased facial hair growth and mood swings.  This morning I moved the patch back to the old position.  I'm going to try to keep putting it in the old position for a while.  Hopefully I can get back on track.  I've already noticed that I'm leveling back out, for the most part.  A little more emotional.

As for other happenings, most of my friends are using female pronouns more often.  Occasionally they slip, but it's at least they are trying.  Also they are calling me Bibi, more than my birth name.  Even though I'm not changing my birth name, as it can be used for both genders, I like being called Bibi more.

Not much else has been going on.

Dear Parents and Sister,

I know you said you love, support, and accept me when I came out to you.  But saying and doing are two completely different things.  Don’t act like I’m doing this to hurt you.  This was not a choice.  It’s either have me as a daughter or have a dead son.  Don’t tell me how difficult it will be for you when others know about me.  And don’t tell me how hard it will be for you when I come out to the rest of the family.  Do you not realize how hard this is for me?  Don’t add by reaffirming my maleness.  Please stop saying “You will always be my son.”  Please stop saying every chance you get, “son”, “brother”, “young man”.  Do you realize that is like stabbing me in the heart?  I am now your daughter.  I am alive, I am happy, I am who I was supposed to be.  Can’t you be happy for me?  Can’t you accept that?  I should not have to hide who I am around you and the rest of the family.  If they can’t accept me, then what kind of family are we?  I have another family that has accepted me with open arms.  If you are not careful, you will not only have lost a “son”, but a daughter.  I don’t need that toxic environment in my life.  For one of the first times in my life, I am truly happy.  I am no longer in pain.  I no longer sit awake at night thinking of ways to kill myself.  I love who I am.  I love the woman I’m becoming.  I wish you could love me as your daughter.

Halloween 2013

Amazing what a difference a year makes. Last night was one of my best friend’s Halloween / birthday party. Last year I dressed as the Queen of Hearts. I was so nervous and needed help with my hair and makeup. I was scared of what people would think.  I remember bringing my costume to the party to change into.  I got ready in the 2nd bathroom.  Anxiously waiting for the friend to show up to do my hair and then waiting to have another friend do my makeup.  I was shaking most of the time.  Once I was dressed and done up, it took another 15 minutes for me to get my nerve up to walk out for other people to see me.

This year I went as Vanellope from Wreck it Ralph. I did my own makeup and hair. I was able to put my makeup on in one shot.  No washing off and starting again.  I knew what I wanted to do with my hair and got it to look the way I wanted first try.  I was so proud of myself.  As we were getting ready to head out the door, I had no nerves.  I was comfortable being me and I had no fear in letting people see that.  I didn't think twice of walking in, all dressed up.   I was so so comfortable.  The night was amazing.  I got many compliments on my costume.  No negativity.  It was great.  And more feminine pronouns being used.  My friends have been great adapting to the new me.  I'm just one of the girls now.

I love the changes I have gone through this past year. I love finally being able to be myself.

Here is a picture of me... 

National Coming Out Day

October 11th, 2013 was national coming out day.  After a long internal debate, I decided to expand the circle of people I'm out to.  It took me about 3 weeks to think of what to write, and then 4 rewrites on the day to create the Facebook post that I made to out myself.  I am now out to 95% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook.  The only people left are some family that I'm going to tell in person after the holidays.  I was so scared writing the post.  Even though I've had nothing but positive comments and support from everyone else I have come out to, this time could have been different.  But I was in awe at the responses. It was all positive.  Everyone was so supportive.  I was taken back by all the love and support.  It felt so good. I still partially on cloud 9 and it's been over a week.  With that hurdle, I decided to also come out to a couple family members on FB messenger and also email one of my aunts.  Again, nothing but love and support.  I can't get over it.  Such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  People love and accept me for who I am. It still brings me to tears thinking about it.

10 Months

Today marks 10 months on hormones.  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by.  I am happy with the progress I'm making.  I do get a bit discouraged sometimes though.  I see so many woman post before and after pictures at less time than I've been on hormones and they have progressed so much further.  But even with being a bit discouraged, I'm happy with how slow it's going.  It definitely makes it easy at work.  Still haven't had to worry about coming out yet.  I know I have changed a lot in the past 10 months.  I am getting read more as female.  I would say I get read female 30% of the time.  That's better than nothing.  I have such a hard time seeing the results though.  And I hate hate hate how I look when my picture is taken so I still haven't taken any pictures of my progress.  As for other physical changes, my boobs are sitting at just about a "B" cup.  Getting harder to hide them.  Hair growth is still sporadic.  Sometimes I feel like I can go a day without shaving and others I feel like I need to shave twice a day.  Weird.  Other body hair has slowed in growing.  I don't have to shave my chest as much or my arms.  

The biggest change in my has been psychological.  I am more comfortable being my "authentic self" (as my therapist puts it).  I'm more talkative, outgoing, and happy.  I have really broken out of my shell.  It's scary but I like it.  

I'm so glad I finally gathered the courage to transition.  Can't wait to see what happens next month. 

30 Day Trans Challenge - Day 30

30) Write a haiku about being trans:

I was scared of this one.  Not sure if I got it right or not but here goes:

The testosterone leaves the body
Estrogen swirls about
I am woman