With today being 9 months on hormones, I thought it might be good to do the 30 Day Trans Challenge.
1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?
From a young age (5 or 6), I never really felt comfortable being a boy. At 13 I had started a nightly ritual of wishing I was a girl. I didn't realize the term transgender referred to me until around January 2012. My life seemed to be spiraling out of control... at least internally. I had for the longest time, worn certain feminine clothing, like girls jeans, girls underwear, and occasionally a bra. I had always rationalized them as just being more comfortable to wear than men's clothes. But it got to the point where I knew I was lying to myself and others. Every night I turned the wish into begging and pleading with the gods or whomever might be listening to be a woman. I was losing it. I disliked seeing my male self in the mirror. As I was trying to find myself and stop the spiral, I discovered Gender Dysphoria. After reading the description, I knew that is what I had, but I had not yet accepted that I was transgender. Then as I began writing my emotions down and doing major soul searching I realized then that I was transgender. I am a transgender woman. But realizing and accepting don't always go hand in hand. I knew who I was, but it wasn't until May 2012 that I began to accept that I am a transgender woman. By the end of 2012 I fully accepted who I was. It still is hard. Even after 9 months into my transition. 9 months on hormones, it's still a battle. Internally and externally. I know this is the right path, no matter how hard it is and will always be. I will have my doubts when I am weak and beaten down. I will threaten to stop the transition when I fear my world collapsing around me. But each time, I scrape up the strength to stay the course. It is a tough balancing act, to stay happy and keep those in my life happy. But we will make it through. Just got to remind myself that. We will only be stronger from this journey.
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