I can't believe it has been 6 months since starting hormones. Time is flying. I never thought I would ever get to this point. When I first admitted to myself that I was transgender, I never thought I would actually transition. I didn't think I had the strength and courage. But here I am, 6 months on hormones and going strong.
Not much to report in changes. Some really really minor facial changes. Breasts are still growing (I am outgrowing A cups and moving onto B's). I have gained some weight. Way more than anyone would want. So it's diet and exercise time. Now I have 60 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight. The diet part will be a bit easier as I am going 95% vegetarian. For some reason my body is rejecting most meats. Like eating meat makes me physically sick. This has happened once before about 17 years ago. That caused me to go vegetarian for a year and I lost almost 60 lbs that time. So here's hoping it works the same way.
My emotions have been all over the place. It has been a roller coaster ride the past couple of years. Two years ago it started with my wife having a fibroid tumor. Which I have been stressing and worrying about since day one until 2 weeks ago when she had a hysterectomy to remove it. FYI it was the size of a small watermelon. Yikes. But I cared all that stress for two years. Then the added stress of last year coming out as transgender. Then the stress and happiness of starting hormones this year. It's been a ride. But things are looking up and hope the next couple of years will be a little less stressful.
I am very thankful for our support system. My friends I grew up with have developed this close circle. We call it Famylie. We are very close and supportive of each other. We are very accepting of new members to the group, but burn one of the core and you will get shunned. They have been there for my wife and I, by our sides through all we have been going through. Always supportive.
That's all I got for now.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Hormone Levels
My first hormone level check results came in. They are looking great according to my doctor. I find it interesting when they tested me before they put me on hormones to transition I was on the low end for male hormones.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Who Am I? I Am Me!
A friend convinced me to start writing as a way to get thoughts out. I needed to figure out who I really was. I named the blogs "Who am I" not because I didn't know, but was afraid to know. It has been about a year and a half since I started this journey. It has been a journey of self discovery and truth. It's been an interesting journey so far. Many dark moments in the beginning, struggling with who I was. I was confused, I was lost. With the answer of who I was always with me, but hidden. It was in plain sight, but a secret to me. Maybe not a secret, but I was scared to admit it. After 6 months of writing, I was finally ready to accept the truth and take the next steps.
Fast forward a year. A year and half since the first words were written and a year since the first big steps were taken. I have come such a long way. I have friends and family that know, love and support me. I have been on hormones for 6 months. I help run social media for "GenderFest" a Transgender Social Network. Amazing progress, at least in my mind. If you told me 2 years ago, that this is where I would be, I would never have believed you. But I am blessed for where I am and for how far I have come. I have wonder friends who love me for who I am. Ever their kids love and accept me, calling me Auntie Bryce or Bibi (Aunt in Indonesian). One of them stopped a kid a school from making derogatory comments about the transgender community by telling them about me and feeling he needed to stand up for me. It brings me to tears thinking about it.
I know this journey is far from over. It will continue to have it's ups and downs. There will still be unsure moments of what the future holds. I pray every day that both me and my wife with have the strength to tackle whatever comes next. But there is one thing I know.... I know who I am... I am a women.... I may not have been born with a woman's body, but I am a woman. Some day my outer self will reflect that, no matter how long it takes. It may take years, it may take decades, but some day. I am taking the slow path, but at least I am on the right path.
I may change my blogs name at some point, since I know who I am now.
Fast forward a year. A year and half since the first words were written and a year since the first big steps were taken. I have come such a long way. I have friends and family that know, love and support me. I have been on hormones for 6 months. I help run social media for "GenderFest" a Transgender Social Network. Amazing progress, at least in my mind. If you told me 2 years ago, that this is where I would be, I would never have believed you. But I am blessed for where I am and for how far I have come. I have wonder friends who love me for who I am. Ever their kids love and accept me, calling me Auntie Bryce or Bibi (Aunt in Indonesian). One of them stopped a kid a school from making derogatory comments about the transgender community by telling them about me and feeling he needed to stand up for me. It brings me to tears thinking about it.
I know this journey is far from over. It will continue to have it's ups and downs. There will still be unsure moments of what the future holds. I pray every day that both me and my wife with have the strength to tackle whatever comes next. But there is one thing I know.... I know who I am... I am a women.... I may not have been born with a woman's body, but I am a woman. Some day my outer self will reflect that, no matter how long it takes. It may take years, it may take decades, but some day. I am taking the slow path, but at least I am on the right path.
I may change my blogs name at some point, since I know who I am now.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Some New Changes to Report
Ok so there are some new changes to me I thought I would share:
Physical:
Physical:
- Breasts fill an A Cup and I'm starting to fill a B Cup
- Thighs have gotten bigger and curvier... I now need new jeans
- Butt has gotten rounder and fuller... another reason for new jeans
- Skin is slowly getting softer
- Hair is still a roller coaster ride... slow growth some days... fast growth others
- I've become more modest... like I used to have no issue being shirtless or naked around the house, now I always need to be covered... weird
- I keep craving chocolate and I'm wasn't really a chocolate person
- I'm way more emotional... I was emotional before, but now... I can cry at the drop of a hat... my mood swings are off the charts (wife not so thrilled about that)
- I feel a bit more loquacious and happy/giddy
- I'm even more self conscious than I was before
Monday, May 13, 2013
Overdue Update
Ok, I know I have been MIA for a while. Sorry. Things have been crazy. Especially at work where I normally write my blogs in the morning. I usually can't write except in the mornings, because that is when my inspiration and what I want to talk about comes. I spend an hour in my car every morning commuting to work. During that time, I think. And that's when I develop my blogs in my head. If I don't write it in the morning when I get in early to work, then I forget what I wanted to write.
I'm trying to write at lunch time, when limited people are here at work and hopefully I remember everything.
So it has almost been 5 months on hormones. Where is the time going? I had a check-up with my endocrinologist this past Thursday. So far so good. My potassium was a bit elevated from the blood test a week prior, so we have to monitor that. I have also gained 10 lbs since my last appointment. Ugh. My goal originally was to loose 30 lbs, but now it's 40 lbs. Yikes. I am trying to get myself in an exercise routine. I have been trying to get up at 4:45am each morning to run on my treadmill for a half hour. And then before going to bed run an additional half hour. So far I could do 20 mins each time. Guess I need to work my way up to 30 mins. Also due to a head ache this morning, I didn't exercise. Hopefully I can get it in tonight. Also I was told I was a bit dehydrated. She told me I need to drink more water. I am going to try, I rarely feel thirsty so I always forget to drink water. Maybe I should set an alarm to remind me to drink water.
Now on the the changes. Physically, not too much happening. Which is kind of sad, but slow is good so work doesn't notice changes as easily. My breasts are still growing. I am starting to fill a B cup. Not fully but they are getting there. My wife has definitely noticed that they have grown. Body hair has slowed again, but that's been a roller coaster of slow growth and fast growth. It needs to make up it's mind. I haven't noticed any facial changes yet. My wife has noticed my hips are filling out more and becoming curvier. I have noticed that I've started swaying my hips without meaning too, like they are naturally swaying. I now have to pay attention to if I'm doing it, so I don't do it at work. I think my butt is getting rounder/fuller. My undies are starting to fit differently, like the way they are supposed to fit.
Psychologically, I am more emotional. I could start crying at the drop of a hat. I tend to have more bitchy moods, according to my wife. I feel more feminine. Like I feel like I'm sounding more feminine in the way I structure sentences. More than I used to.
I still have fears as I go down this process. One is the in between stages. Like having breasts, but still noticeably male. How will I go swimming this summer? Do I try to bind and hide my breasts and wear t shirts and swim trunks? With friends, do I wear a bikini top and swim trunks or full woman's swimsuit? I don't know how I will feel wearing any of it. Maybe I'll just avoid water all together.
Other fears are that things are not going well at work. I am not out to anyone at work. I am trying to keep it hidden for as long as possible because I fear losing my job, even though it is against the law to discriminate against gender identity in CT. I have gotten two warnings for appearing negative at work. Which is total BS, but my concentration or stress face is being construed as negativity. Also the way I breathe when I'm really focused is being interpreted as huffing and annoyance. AYFKM?!? Well I have tried to give off a more positive appearance. I try to smile as much as I can. I try to talk more cheerfully. I listen to happy music at my desk and change my breathing to a breathy whistle to the music. Now I've gotten a complaint that I'm too happy. Ugh. Really?? I'm starting to think there is some suspicion about me and they are trying to keep throwing me under the bus until they have enough to fire me. I hope that isn't the case. If so, that is really shitty. I'm afraid to find another job somewhere else as I know I won't be making as much as I do now and we can't afford for me to take a pay cut. I really need to win the lotto. ;) So for now I'm trying to be the model employee and not be online with social media, get in early and stay late to get everyone's work done. I don't want to give them anymore fire.
That's about it for now. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm fine, just can't get on to write or when I can I can't think of anything to write.
I'm trying to write at lunch time, when limited people are here at work and hopefully I remember everything.
So it has almost been 5 months on hormones. Where is the time going? I had a check-up with my endocrinologist this past Thursday. So far so good. My potassium was a bit elevated from the blood test a week prior, so we have to monitor that. I have also gained 10 lbs since my last appointment. Ugh. My goal originally was to loose 30 lbs, but now it's 40 lbs. Yikes. I am trying to get myself in an exercise routine. I have been trying to get up at 4:45am each morning to run on my treadmill for a half hour. And then before going to bed run an additional half hour. So far I could do 20 mins each time. Guess I need to work my way up to 30 mins. Also due to a head ache this morning, I didn't exercise. Hopefully I can get it in tonight. Also I was told I was a bit dehydrated. She told me I need to drink more water. I am going to try, I rarely feel thirsty so I always forget to drink water. Maybe I should set an alarm to remind me to drink water.
Now on the the changes. Physically, not too much happening. Which is kind of sad, but slow is good so work doesn't notice changes as easily. My breasts are still growing. I am starting to fill a B cup. Not fully but they are getting there. My wife has definitely noticed that they have grown. Body hair has slowed again, but that's been a roller coaster of slow growth and fast growth. It needs to make up it's mind. I haven't noticed any facial changes yet. My wife has noticed my hips are filling out more and becoming curvier. I have noticed that I've started swaying my hips without meaning too, like they are naturally swaying. I now have to pay attention to if I'm doing it, so I don't do it at work. I think my butt is getting rounder/fuller. My undies are starting to fit differently, like the way they are supposed to fit.
Psychologically, I am more emotional. I could start crying at the drop of a hat. I tend to have more bitchy moods, according to my wife. I feel more feminine. Like I feel like I'm sounding more feminine in the way I structure sentences. More than I used to.
I still have fears as I go down this process. One is the in between stages. Like having breasts, but still noticeably male. How will I go swimming this summer? Do I try to bind and hide my breasts and wear t shirts and swim trunks? With friends, do I wear a bikini top and swim trunks or full woman's swimsuit? I don't know how I will feel wearing any of it. Maybe I'll just avoid water all together.
Other fears are that things are not going well at work. I am not out to anyone at work. I am trying to keep it hidden for as long as possible because I fear losing my job, even though it is against the law to discriminate against gender identity in CT. I have gotten two warnings for appearing negative at work. Which is total BS, but my concentration or stress face is being construed as negativity. Also the way I breathe when I'm really focused is being interpreted as huffing and annoyance. AYFKM?!? Well I have tried to give off a more positive appearance. I try to smile as much as I can. I try to talk more cheerfully. I listen to happy music at my desk and change my breathing to a breathy whistle to the music. Now I've gotten a complaint that I'm too happy. Ugh. Really?? I'm starting to think there is some suspicion about me and they are trying to keep throwing me under the bus until they have enough to fire me. I hope that isn't the case. If so, that is really shitty. I'm afraid to find another job somewhere else as I know I won't be making as much as I do now and we can't afford for me to take a pay cut. I really need to win the lotto. ;) So for now I'm trying to be the model employee and not be online with social media, get in early and stay late to get everyone's work done. I don't want to give them anymore fire.
That's about it for now. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm fine, just can't get on to write or when I can I can't think of anything to write.
Friday, April 19, 2013
4 Months
Just a quick note:
I just realized it is officially 4 months today that I have been fully on hormones. January 4th, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist. January 9th, my blood work came back and prescriptions were called in for spiro and estrogen. January 10th, started spiro. January 19th, finally started estrogen. I can't believe it has been 4 months. Still gonna take the slow path and wait as the hormones do there thing.
I just realized it is officially 4 months today that I have been fully on hormones. January 4th, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist. January 9th, my blood work came back and prescriptions were called in for spiro and estrogen. January 10th, started spiro. January 19th, finally started estrogen. I can't believe it has been 4 months. Still gonna take the slow path and wait as the hormones do there thing.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Weakness & Anger
For the past few months I have been trying to quit smoking. I have mostly been successful. I made it all the way through step 3 of the patch without cheating once. But, I can not get off step 3. I have tried twice now and each time I end up getting anxious and angry. Angry for no reason. Every little stupid thing sets me off. The wind could blow and I'd get pissed. I'm not sure what is going on with me. Why can't I function without any nicotine in my system. Why as soon as there is no nicotine in my system do I get mad and pick fights and get depressed. Why am I so weak????????? Since being on hormones I have felt a calm come over me, but as soon as I don't have a patch on that calmness goes away. Each time I go off the patch I end up arguing with my wife for no reason, hurting her feelings. I feel like I can't control myself. Like I'm watching this happen and hearing the words come out of my mouth without being able to stop them. I can't calm down. I ended up having to go get more patches last night and put one on again. It took a few hours, but I calmed down. Today I have another patch on and I feel normal. Why won't my body/mind let me be nicotine free. I want to be, I really do, but I also don't want to feel that random stupid anger. I don't want to hurt my wife with my words. I feel so lost. Maybe I just need to go away from people and just go off the patch and just let the stupid anger out. I don't know. I don't want to always be dependent on nicotine. I fear my quitting smoking is slowly tearing my marriage apart when I go off the patch. I just don't get it. Maybe in 2 more weeks I'll be ready to go off the patch again. I hope so. I hope in two weeks I won't let the anger get to me. Maybe in two weeks I won't feel weak. I want to just be able to deal with situations calmly without nicotine. I want to be the loving spouse with nicotine.
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